Hope,
Faith.

The eternal dance of blindness and determination.
We seek that which we do not know,
We ignore that which we hope we don't.

Step helplessly into the dark.
Step Endlessly into the stars.

Here we are.
There we will be.
We are who we are.
And who we will become.

~Robert van Lingen

Every day I give up a little bit more.
I see the end so certainly.
There's nothing else to really live for.
It becomes easier to let go,
As I sit here alone
Writing about what I've wanted
And being worn of wanting more.
                                                           ­           Every day it gets a little easier
                                                          ­             To take another step forward.
                                                  Whethe­r or not I fall apart the later night,
                                                          ­           I still got through another day.
                                                            ­        I walk into a direction in which
                                                           ­                                 I can be proud of.
                                                             ­                 I have so much to live for.
                                                                   I've to keep opening new doors.
But I can't go without;
I can't lose it all again.
The pain is too much and it feels as if
I'd rather have nothing at all,
But the silence of death.
I would die where no one could see;
No one could know.
                                                  Every day I find love for the littler things.
                                            I appreciate so much more than I had before.
                                                         ­              I find brilliance in your smile.
                                                          ­   And I find motivation in your fight.
                                                          ­                 And inspiration in my soul,
                                                           ­                      So I keep taking control
                                                                ­            Of what I know I could be.
The world grows blacker every day.
People feel further and further away.
I used to belong--
I thought I did, anyway.
I never did though, and I know this the most.
I just wish I had chosen a better path so, so long ago.
Because people will not choose for you,
And it's okay if I go it alone.
                                                          ­       The sunrise still wakes me gently
                                                         And the small sound of your tugging.
                                                        ­                   I raise to a voice calling me.
                                                             ­                   When I go to it, I belong.
                                                         ­ Then I see the people around me too.
                                                         They've been waving this whole time.
                                                           ­         I didn't think it'd be so easy for
                                                                ­ The sleep to break from my eyes.
But the nights are the blackest of all.
I hear nothing but my thoughts.
They shake my shoulders violently.
They tell me, "Nothing is true
Nothing is sacred
Nothing is here for you."
And I am not here for anything.
The nightmares follow just the same.
                                                           ­              The morning still follows;
                                                        ­                      The sun will still come.
There is no love in those mornings,
But I am still here.
                                                           ­              The morning still follows.
But it does not matter anymore.
I can't be anything than what I am.
I cannot try anymore.
                                                        ­             But the morning still follows...
                                                      ­                                  And I am still here.

How is it possible
To feel two things at once?
    "Dichotomies."
        Atrocities
That sheer the mind like paper.
"I hate you,
                     I love you,"
Spoken so close together.
Every time,
Each some crime.
I'm b roKen then TRANSFORMED.


A swelling heart,
                              A burning rage.
Back     and     forth.
Don't turn the page.
Not again,
Not like this.
Please don't stop this thrilling chase.


"Stay with me,"
                           "Leave me be,"
If you know what's best for you.
I'm good for you,
I promise you.
"Don't look at me,"
                                  "Who is she?"


I'll isolate
Everything.



There is none,
I'm the one.


I am nothing,
This time it's final.
I'm sick of you,
So don't come back.
                                   Where are you going?
                                   Why am I sewing
                                   This new patch?

                                    Let me f
                                                   a
                                                     d
                                                         e
                                                            i n  t  o    b   l    a     c     k . . .

Waking,
The peaceful yet painful silence,

Breaking,
The shattered past,

Cast the mind to the broken surf,

The peaceful yet painful silence,
The accursed slumber,

The waking dreams realized,
Yet intangible,
The ineffable plot,

Waking,
Eyes ***** upon the ceiling,
The turbid lullaby resound,

The haunting end ever present dichotomy,
The peaceful yet painful slumber,
The forlorn cure,
My inescapable truth.

~Robert van Lingen

Alone.

So very alone.

The echoes in my mind

Reflect back, and I hear.

"Alone.

"So very alone."

-

I can't very well understand.

Why it is or why,

I cant.

But what I know is simple, im reminded very slow

I'm alone,

So very alone.

At days end im just the same as I was

Alone.

-

Off in the distance I see,

Those who are very near to me.

And yet I do not know them, or cannot grasp

Their clothing in these hands.

I hear the voice inside my mind,

Cry to itself as it weeps inside

It says:

"Alone!

"So very alone!"

"So where to go, shall we go?!

"That we might not be alone?"

There's this unspoken dichotomy
that exists in relationships
for those of us who struggle with their own minds.
And when I say dichotomy,
I mean there's absolutely no in-between
no third option
and no happy medium.
When you find someone who loves you,
and you love them equally as much,
this person will fall into one of two categories:
(because it can never be easy,
why the hell would it be easy?)

Category One -
they're mentally stable,
and you'll live in relative happiness,
but you'll never feel
like they truly knew you.
Or
Category Two -
They struggle just as much as you
and you'll always feel understood,
but you'll drag each other down
slowly but surely.

I don't know which is worse -
constantly living in fear
of scaring them away,
or learning to live in corresponding misery.
All I know is,
in the end,
everyone leaves,
so why wouldn't you?