It's my fault, daddy
I gave my all
I gave my soul
I wore my heart on my sleeve
I kissed the poison
The damage is done

wrote lists but my standards are drowning
my rules have disappeared
words from God turned to lust for desire
I am weaker and desperate

I want to tell you
how you slowly became the tree
that guards me from the happiness and sadness
of the world,
and let me create my own.
How it was lovely to see you grow.
How it hurt to love you.
How beautiful you were even in the worst of your moments.
How I selfishly wanted to be the only scar on your heart
and only smile on your face.
How,on days that I desperately
looked for a reason to stay,
yours was the only name
that anchored me in this world.
I will tell you how I always lived
dreaming of death,
dreaming of release,
and how thankful I am that
you kept me alive.
I will tell you all this.
But not today.
Some other time.

I have written many sad poems.
I have run out of sadness.
I spent it all desperately.
Like a drunkard on another shot of whiskey.

I've spent all my sadness. Now only happiness remains.

I walked on a rainy muddy road this morning.
I nearly cried from sadness.
Then a woman with a baby stopped for me.
I got in at the back and just then, I saw it.
It looked at me and struggled successfully to sit next to me.
It held my cold hand and gave me all its warmth.

I realized I couldn't be sad. Happiness and warmth filled my heart.

I will sit at my house tonight.
Open that coconut whiskey and dance to any song on my TV.
I will take time looking through every room and drink to it.
I will text my best friend and tell her I love her.
I will celebrate this newly found happiness.

I've run out of reasons to be sad, now I will look for happiness.

Where is happiness?
Where were they found?
Were they found from the times
you made me smile?
Were they found from the times
you gave me your warmest embrace?
Where? Where? Where?
It is because today becomes yesterdays.
And tomorrow becomes todays.
I’m living in this cell,
There I counted the days...
And I had written it at the walls.
There I drew your face out of stones.
Remembering the last time I saw you.
Cause it was so long back then...
And I was waiting, but you never came.
Will you hear me right now?
I forgot that you never felt me
Like you used to do before.
Never even heard me
Like I used to believe
That you’re one call away.
These cold walls I kept touching,
Sensing for the warmth of hope.
But, it’s all gone. All gone.
These bars got colder,
Frost covered the walls.
I was wondering,
Why would I get locked up
It burdens me and it kills me.
Somewhere I had to feel so much?
Why would I live in this bitter prison cell?
Another place where I had never been so well,
Maybe this is the sentiment when you’re gone.
Locked up in your heart, yet had been forgotten.
Do you still have my photographs?
Do you still keep them in your pocket?
Do they still remind you of how we used to be?
Do you still have the letters I sent you before?
Do you still read them back and back again?
Do they remind you of me?
It told you how much I miss you...
Also how much I love you.
But, I don’t have to await
If you show me how I should walk away.
Were our promises kept?
Promises were just strong words
That motivated us up there,
However, had dragged us down.
Where were your letters? In my hands.
Where were your pictures? In my phone.
Where were you? Lost but found in my heart.
Where was I? Lost and never found,
But living in a dark and bitter prison cell.
Is it still us? Or became you and me?
No matter how cold, I’ll stay.
But, save me. Look for me. I need you.
Seek for me. Seek for me. Seek for me.
Darling, my love, find me in your memory.

A young woman stands on the sidewalk
in front of a vape shop.
Her long red hair is the dream
of desperate men
that flutters in the cool spring breeze.
She fiddles with her smartphone,
her thumb quickly scrolls screens
in an attempt to fight boredom.
She's waiting, waiting, waiting
for her next adventure,
but those skin tight yoga pants
and her filthy sneakers tell me
she has a long wait.

Once upon a time
your name was the first thing that
i'd think of
when i needed to smile
it'll dutifully bring color to my cheeks

Now, your name is still the
first thing that i'd think of
but only when i needed to sober up
it'll chase the joy away without fail

What frightens me the most
is that what if this is a modern fairytale
no more "happy endings"
no "wind in our sails".