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When I was a child,
I acknowledged what happy means,
It was all when I was younger,
Hugging a bear in pink pajamas,
Mom and dad would kiss me goodnight
Mornings used to be brighter and sunny
Afternoons would remind me of playgrounds,
And at night, stars would pierce through the dark.

I grew and grew and grew,
The months and years passed.
And I'd knock at the door in noon,
Kiss my mom's cheeks, "I'm home, mom."
We read books together and I learn a lot.
And learning as I walk through my path,
It seemed strange, really different
As they let go of the grip I used to hold on.

Maybe it meant freedom, I thought...
Was to be "on my own" real freedom?
Is this the solitude that confuses everyone?
Joy is far cry from despair, this is being content,
Now I comprehend, wish I really understand.
And I was a young bird taking off from her nest.
Here I am trying to fly as time flies, too.
And I'd get a little lonlier everyday...
Thinking where would I fly if this ain't home
And all I know is I'm lucky.

Little did I know now,
I have grown a bit from yesterday...
A little bit new from a new day.
I used to know what happiness is,
Did I really know what it meant?
I asked myself and heard no answer.
I thought it was much simpler than I thought.
I thought of dresses on me, cold weathers,
Thought of sweets, 12-hour heavy sleeps,
Thought of love stories and happy endings in books that never existed in real life.
Never did they exist as long as you live.

But those things will never be enough
to satisfy me forever.
I know, I have grown and I was younger back then.
I was the little princess who instantly gets
what she wants back then.
I was the little princess who never knew hard work until she strived hard for something.
Little did I realize how hard it is to take it,
The more I age, the more it slips out of my hands...
And there, I come to its reach.

Happiness isn't something you buy,
But darling, it is something you earn.
It is something you learn from and gain.
A little time with your favorite company is
The first thing that would pop in my head.

Freedom isn't being happy but being right.
It is something worth fighting for,
Until your voice is heard through the people's chaotic and rebellious screams.

And love, a word I have never known when I was young... Until it taught me to smile truly.
Love is something you can't define.
As they define, they just got closer to it its meaning.
Never did they get to touch the word itself.
But, they felt it with it alone.

Ten years ago, I cried over stolen toys I'm tired of playing at my age now.
And now, I cry over things that I knew really matter and I'd never get tired of forever....
I'd cry over bad decisions, trying to get up from my fall as I tried to clean all scars...
Knowing there are more that matters and are worth saving...
Knowing there are things I'd better let go.

And little did I know I grew when I learn,
Little did I know the years as they passed by.
And, happiness is a choice, they'll tell.
And if it was yours, pass it on.

May 21, 2019
Edited version
Being happy isn't easy like you thought it is. Thinking it'll be easy to find, not really...
Pacing back and forth
All in empty space
Going in endless rounds
Can be my nightmares
Can be your daydreams
Can be sad beautiful fears
All the dreams, all big things
All the thoughtful prayers,
Wishing countless blessings
The little voice I owned,
I wish you would hear.
Crowds would scream your name,
Trust me, millions love you.
The crowds are your sea,
Sparkling in glee...

And I know, I know...
You might not return.
Hardwork equals to victory
That keeps me happy, too...
Right? I should be, I thought...

Difficult are the days
As I get space
Tighter it gets
To suffocate,
You're a ghost
Haunting me everyday,
Thinking I might mess up
But I'll tell you,
"Don't worry, it's okay.
I'll be just okay."
Fearlessness, I will show.
I fooled the world,
Worse of all, I fooled myself...
Of masks and shiny smiles

Perfect masks never match broken hearts
Cause I just miss you and I wish you know.
Repeating to myself,
" I know you'll come home.
I know you'll wait for me."
Hardly could wait for your return,
As this pain will vanish into air
As I get to meet your eyes once again.
Darling, it's 11:11pm...
And all I wish for everyday is you.
Before the sun sets,
I'll find myself right beside you.
My closest friend, this is for you.
I love you so much and I just really miss you...
There you are, three steps away from me
There our eyes met slowly in the middle
I hardly noticed your presence minutes ago
I’d turn away as if I never intended to do this

There you are, three steps away from me,
Denying I felt something when we were in the room
I sat at the corner of this crowded place
You came in as if something has to bloom.

There you are, three steps away from me
We’ve been in this side before, lost in crowds,
The only difference a year and eight months from now is...
I was once the one beside you.

There you are, three steps away from me.
There I’d find you in a short long distance,
It’s hard to walk there at your place,
I’d rather run miles away from that smile I used to know

There you are, three steps away from me...
I am seeing an invisible wall
You’re painted on it
Oh hello, aren’t you the stranger I used to know?

There you are, three steps away from me,
Still can’t believe I couldn’t walk up to you.
Even just to smile and say a little hello
Even just to ask how you’ve been all this time

There you are, three steps away from me.
Can’t believe I’m writing ‘bout you
A year and eight months from now
Realizing you still mattered to me somehow.
Hey, this love is forbidden.
How lucky you are, darling, you are loved.
Loved by the universe, loved by the stars,
To only you, my only heart revolved.
A destined parting, written in mirth's scars.
A parting that never mattered to me,
Wishing you'd remember my votive love
has set thee broken, yet alive and free.

How lucky you are, darling, you are loved.
I chased you alone with a beating heart,
You cut my tongue and sadly felt unloved
Spent good times, instead it rips me apart.
I could fill a well water made by tears
Promises I say, only you shall hear.

How lucky you are, darling, you are loved.
As I discern cents weigh better than me.
Stood in a dark cloak, pretty and gloved.
And when gone, the universe would not see,
Oh, she was a ghost who loved me...
Oh a lesson learnt when she disappeared.

"How lucky you are, you have me,"
That is what they would tell to you.
But most of all, darling, smile.
Because how lucky you are,
You are loved.
How lucky you are, my dear best friend, I love you all my heart.
I wish you know even if you already hurt me alot of times.
If you are war,
Then I am peace.
If you are coffee,
Then I am cream
Love is sugar,
It makes us sweet.

When you are down,
I would dive to catch you.
If you heart crashes,
And breaks into pieces,
Then I would glue them altogether
Even if it takes time.

When the sun rises up,
All because of your smile’s trace
The roses would blossom
As the light colors your face
I would be purely happy
As you are,  too.

No matter how busy I could be,
I wanted to tell you,
“You are the one I value the most.”
Do not worry about me, I’m fine.
My pain does not matter much to me anyway.
It would be always for you.

Just wanting to give you something
Receive and keep it for me, love.
My heart is like the shining sun,
But my love for you
Reaches the ends of the universe.

These are the little things
You do for  love.
"This love is difficult but it's real."
by Taylor Swift
This night's been cold,
this night's been warm
bringing me back to a memory
of a summer's parting.

So difficult as it left a trace.
The sun could have risen,
Everyday, I become someone different,
Someone else, 'til I never realized...

How I've lost "me".
Thanks for talking to me last night, but unfortunately
I'm sorry, too. I can't give you what you want.
I’ve been hearing echoes in my head,
I walked and followed the trace,
Listening to them, the whispers said,
“I need you here... right now.”
They led me to a door, it opened.
I went in and there I sat.
They told me stories that were familiar.
Suddenly, the more I hear, the more I feel.
An emotion I can never conceal,
I finally remembered and shed a tear.
They waited me to say a word until I asked,
“Is he still there... still caring?”
Speaking like I had someone beside,
I woke up in my day dream.
I asked the girls,
“Oh, the voices, voices, and whispers
Did you hear them anywhere?”
They shook their heads in a silent no.
Confusion was what their faces show.
I finally recognized,
They’re the voices living in my mind.
At last I realized,
It was merely me.
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