Darkness strikes
Nothing but a calamity
Anguish, sorrow, and grief sadly appear
What a major catastrophe
Through the hurricanes and earthquakes
Countries are in a state of ravage
Hundreds of lives have been lost
As a result of the massive damage

It was always a joke, phrase or idiom
It wasn't an analysis of what we did to them
The paralysis which was led by God or men
Who left a woman with a life condemned
And "he" is not found, but here I am.

I lost my arm to a waterfall
Fostered harm by something beautiful
A hand and forearm unmade musical
Water on land intersects not once, several
A band of storms lay down by that Neanderthal.

Waters splash like cymbals crash
Like whiplash from 3 cars smashed
Like fast paced life becoming past
Like a harassed female, never asked
And at long last... I'm unembarrassed.

Soft as water came, it became a hurricane
Pain blows through my veins and brain
I sound insane as I strain to explain
Doctors abstain and became inhumane
Riding the insane a-train to remain...
...a soft stream of water.

I never wanted to be a hotel room
and though you were always the only resident
the hotel coffee stained my lungs with estranged men
and the sheets smelled of hidden places and hidden people

we made love like it was a crime
latching on to emergency handles
hoping something would have the strength to pull us apart
but nothing human ever could

I wish I had never met anything as human as you
you turned my insides into a graveyard where our hotel love was buried
and now my hidden place is where estranged men go to die
resting their body on my body, last breath caught between my lips

you will always hate the room you felt could have been your own
I will always hate the man who left the door open when leaving
open to the hidden men in hidden places
now you are still complete

sometimes missing a room in France
I am infected with men who took your exit as a welcome and
parts of me that rot slowly with the guilt you left me to live with
I told you to leave, it is my fault

but you, you couldn’t understand that my skin was made of tissue and you were
permanent marker promising to tread lightly as you slowly started tearing
my childhood to shreds, and I looked like a city after a tornado
and you looked at me like you were an artist and I, torn was a masterpiece
and still I was so afraid to hurt you.

and every trace you left on my skin with your finger print
was another thing I would go home to hide from my mother’s eyes
I couldn’t sit in her touch anymore because it was wrong for anyone to touch me but you
you could not be my anchor and lover and mother and friend

I never wanted to be a hotel room
I was supposed to be a home
and I know you wanted that too
but how the **** am I supposed to be a home if my hotel sheets now
smell like you.

He calls for her in the night
From his place on the kitchen floor,
Broken bottles scattered about his feet,
He picks up a piece of one,
Holds it loosely in his closed hand.
She comes to him reluctantly,
Her footsteps whispers on hardwood.
He tells her to sit with him,
Amongst his shattered discards,
She lowers herself, silencing protests.
His hand brushes her leg,
Beckons her to come closer.
She swallows her fear, glancing back
In the room she'd left is her life,
Her joy in this nightmare of a house,
There is a wooden crib,
A small boy stirring inside it.
She's almost lost her boy once.  
She moves closer to the man,
Her body trembling with knowledge
Of what comes with their closeness.
His hand moves up her nightgown,
Grazes the marks he left before,
He was fond of leaving them there
Beleiving it claimed his territory.
She shakes, gives him her body
Only hoping it stops his anger,
That she can protect her baby
If only for one more night.

here to go from here?

Nowhere, is my greatest fear

Old habits die hard

Even harder for the emotionally scarred



Whom should I trust?

Will I know the differenence between love and lust?

Should I find 'that man', My Dad, the one I never had

Will it make me, finally, happy? or only, feel more sad?



What does my future hold for Kristie?

from ties that bind, will I finally be set free?

Will I ever meet a man I want to let close, & show him the real me?

Will I ever find true love? will it ever happen to this assertive, scary lady?



I feel as though I am in limbo

I don't know in which direction to go

Trying not to be inpatient, taking it slow

Searching for signs, for my purpose, I do not yet, know



said goodbye to some old faces

cya to some friends I thought I could trust

spend my time visiting lots of new places

keeping my head as ERIC free as I can, JUST!



welcomed into my life, Craig, Julie and Co

I love them like my family, I want the world to know

and from out of dark despair, when I thought there was no one there

Our Love, Respect, Appreciation for one and other, gets stronger and continues to grow



They chose me as their sister, a choice some others didn't get!

They truely love me, no matter, whatever the test results said

I think of them and they of me, each and everyday

Always honest, forever true, they never push me away



So some good has come from the bad

Happier times now begin, following on from the sad

Smiles returning slowly, but surely, look carefully

Starting to feel better, finally, and less poorly, Thankfully

Be gentle with my heart
It's fragile
Be careful with your words
The voices in my head do enough damage
Be kind with your actions
I've already hurt myself too many times

To my ex-girlfriend's rebound,

I was the one who told her you were gay,
so, in a way,
your experience was my fault
and for that I am sorry

While she did not cheat on me with you, you still served a purpose to her in a time of loneliness,
Those moments where she led you to believe that she cared for you and that she wanted something more

And I'm not mad at you for falling for her.
You've seen her,
you've heard her,
felt her touch and
the fire she lit inside when she looked at you

But you also felt the burn of her
leaving you.
You felt the prospect of having time with her tomorrow being ripped away like an old band aid

I know that feeling all too well,
See
I was not quite angry at you for kissing her-- or rather, letting her kiss you and falling for her inconsistency--I felt betrayed

Seeing as I knew you from class where
We'd shared deep poetry with one another,
and though we never spoke individually,
you heard the words that bled from my paper,
you could undeniably feel my devotion to her,
my undying love,
her unbearable significance in my life.
And then you had to rip a band-aid off of me too,
Simply to make yourself feel better

While I'm more than grateful that you disclosed your relations with her,
Trying to guilt trip me and hyperbolize the experience?
That is from where my problem grew

You made it out like I stole her from you when my biggest sense of pride in that relationship came from the fact that I
NEVER
Not even once
Tried to contact her after she broke up with me

Yes,
in the moment I begged for her back

But once I left her bedroom,
That was it.

Yes,
every inch of me cracked under that pressure caused by the sense of drowning that came with her letting me go

And **** right I cried myself to sleep every night
Dreaming that she'd come back

And,
for the second time,
She did.

When she called me that night,
at 3am balling her eyes out
Though skeptical,
I was there for her
She begged for a chance at forgiveness
And I gave it to her

Little did I know that
that same night
You had peeled yourself from her pillows when she asked you to leave
After all the
"kissing"
"cuddling" and
"compliments"

And yet
She.
Called.
Me.

So while I still hold resentment toward you for your vengeance toward me
I thank you for being honest with me, even with the intended malice behind your disclosure

And I shouldn't hold on to this anger any longer:

I heard the pain in your voice when you came for your shoes and found me in her bed instead

I felt your anger as you flaunted your experience with her

And I know your pain at the realization that she lied to you and it all meant very little to her

She did it to me too

Then again, this grudge may be one of the last things still connecting me to her
And maybe I'm not ready to let that go

The Art of Subconscious Illusion is an elusive tendency towards the averse,
             or rather,
the act of lying to oneself

        Oft times you’ll find yourself wondering how...
             …how you lost her…how you lost love…

                            how you lost yourself

         Your mind a jumble of
               spiral static,
         coils of confusion, twisting malevolently,

                             failing and falling,
                   flawed and faulty,
          feeble and fading,

you slowly begin to yearn for a second chance,
        wish that you had performed more charmingly in the blistering tragedy of feelings lost...

but there are few second chances in the misfortunes of life.
      the damage is done, and now you must live with the consequences
       of a dying will to persist in this journey,
                              the ups
                                                the downs
                                the laughter
                                                        ­ the pain
after endless days of convincing yourself you’re not to blame you finally see it for what it is...
                    You made the choice
     you made your bed, and now you must lie in it…

and as you slowly make your way towards the reclining ***** of the soft satin covers you’ll begin to see….

it was not a bed your actions relayed....
                                                                       ....it was a coffin

Out of the blue
And into the black
A thought passed through my head
It was you who crossed my heart
And went right out
The exit wound