The cold air
sends shivers
down my spine

The ghost of
yesterday,

Haunting me
again.

Every day passing,
feels like torture,

And I don’t know
what to do.

Moving on should
be easy, but

It’s hard to see
My life without you.

I know
Nothing last forever,

And it’s hard to sever
the ties of the past,

When I’m still not
over you.

Didn’t use to
hesitate for
a single second,

Jumping to
conclusions,

And headfirst
into all the
evidence.

I never doubted
a word you said,

Even if the words
I said weren’t so
clear.

I never
learned to put

trust
within
myself,

Lived my
life, hiding
in fear of
self.

It’s not an
easy thing to
admit,

And
I know all
the things
I’ve done.

Saying sorry won’t
make it all come undone.

Love is a boulevard,
Sometimes we're in different lanes.
If all's going well, then I guess it's the same.
But what of the self-imposed roadblocks,
Or closures for repairs?
Things never gotten round to, and now
Some roads lead nowhere

I found a slip of paper with your address
It didn't hurt to see it, not like it did when I tore it out of my notepad
I've justified keeping it for "revenge"
on who? your mom? it's her house; she didn't do anything
But, it didn't hurt this time
I crumpled it up and took a breath and threw it in my trash can
It was gone but not really
I want it to be gone, I want to move on
I lit an almost-burned-out candle, the small flame grew taller as it enveloped the purple paper ball
A delicate stream of smoke rose; the smell of burnt paper filled my room
I watched the flame dance while it slowly turned the paper into ash
The candle, now liquefied and exhausted, begged to be put to rest
But the flame desperately clung to the worn out wick, anything to stay alive; almost screaming "what if" and "but"
pitifully attempting to justify its needless existence
I want to move on
Why am I grasping at anything to keep this memory relevant?
I want to move on
Why is it so hard?
But seeing the paper didn't hurt this time
The smoke, like a Phoenix of catharsis, rose from the ash and melted wax
I can finally put it out
I gently place the lid on the jar
The flame that had been so tall and alive became meek and helpless
It's gone now
I am moving on,
So mote it be

i mourned
us
on the train back.
North East to London,
Norfolk into Suffolk into Home.

England,
a green, scarred patchwork,
blistering apart while i sit.
A woman opposite tries to coax the
context
out of me; the entertainment,
before we're pulled into Liverpool St Station.

to credit my memory -
it frames itself nicely, my mugged up
glasses.
a sunbeaten, reddened, ruddy face -
holding back.  swallowing the
outburst -

"i let myself believe for once."

we sit.
the quiet unbroken.
save for the sounds of me
steadily
getting further from you.  

the sounds of me steadily getting further from you.

i mourned us once again.
ten months in and now
six months out
filled with immeasurable moments later.
there was no woman this time.
and only without her
or us -
i found the truth to say

"i let myself believe, for once."

to hear the words, “i was scared” fall from your lips was all the closure i thought i needed.
but i have my answers now, and i don’t feel much better. maybe i feel worse.
closure is a ******* hoax.
my mind can’t leave something behind if it doesn’t make sense to me,
and no explanation will ever make this make sense.
there will always be more questions, more questions, more questions…
i’ll live with the weight of it until they become background noise, like the videos i fall asleep to
until i know they’re there but i can’t hear what they’re asking or what it all means anymore.
but the thought that you couldn’t love someone who would have died for you
god, i wish that thought could leave me the way that you did.