i traverse life now
keeping precious mind busy
between cigarettes

wondering
do you ever wonder why,
as i drive by,
how i throw my cigarette out the window?
so violently..
it's because i dont want it..
to fly back in.
sometimes i think,
you're just like that cigarette.
you fly back in..
unbeknownst to me
and burn my carpet.
leaving another mark,
so subtle.
yet another reminder,
of my black lungs
and black heart.
no thanks,
to you.

why would you smoke a cigarette
but leave half of it dropped onto the sidewalk?

“our cigarette butts leave signs,”
you told me,
“I threw it there to
let others know that
I can control my bad habits.”

this is who you are.
you’re the type of person
who leaves cigarette butts on concrete
to scream “I was here.”

you’re the type of person
who purposefully lives an unfinished life
for the world to wonder
what you would’ve done
if you had more time.

this was the same way you left me.
halfway through our dreams and goals,
only to find out that I loved you
wholeheartedly, obsessively, and recklessly,
while you walked away
with a mouthful of tobacco smoke
and halfway love.

1.  Headlights glowed like cigarette ends in the twilight

2. As soon as they winked out in the warm, weedy field, and the harsh engine noise snapped into silence, I began to cry.

3. Father stepped quietly towards me and I sniffed as I smelled the earth I was digging, the sweat I was dripping, the carcasses I was covering.

4.  Beneath the distant moon Father paused, watching me sift dirt over the remains of two limp goldfish.

5. The morbid scene glittered as moonlight sparkled off my tears and the half-buried scaled.

6.  A small tribute to their salty home.

7.  As if on cue, the wind ruffled the tops of the grain in the neighboring unshorn field; the undulating stalks mimicked the ocean.

8.  Their grave remains unmarked.

They smelled of coffee and tobacco
          But not in a poetic way
          The way that makes me want to
          get away from you
I can smell the addiction in your breath

We all want change 
But we don't wanna change 

We say keep the change
Like we don't need the change
Like we've never counted out dimes to buy cigarettes or beans

We're 2000 miles over on an oil change 
We don't like to think about what we can change 

We change our mind
We change our hair
We change our *** 
We change our friends

We change the channel 

But we don't change

We don't wanna change 
How can you change what makes you the same

Winds change and we get blown away
Because we don't wanna change 

Isn't that strange

The air always smelled like cigarettes
And burnt denim,
Ripped and frayed
sitting on sharp hips
Tipped with attitude.

Our palms, always the color of dirt
Pressed against green glass
As we tipped,
laughed throatily at
The burn in our chests.

Our smiles always shined
Glossed lips turned up
With naive knowing
Sure shoulder shrugs
To hide the blush
Of falling behind.

Our voices were always loud
Looong syllables
Sang with solemn vows
Of seeing all our promises
Through to the end
Never bending
Against the break of the world.

Our sight was always far
Squinting at the sun-soaked unseen
Flicking cigarette butts
With perfect aim,
Watching the red smoulder
Flippant with the thought
That we would be the same,
never going out.

I've had enough stupid games,
enough of your ******* lullabies
to sing me to sleep
when you know I lay awake staring
at my ceiling wondering
whether or not I should say '**** it'
and throw my life away,
or to say 'oh well' and suffer through
another miserable ******* day
where I have to see your face and know
that behind that smile
is a mother who
cares more for her cigarettes
than her daughters.

So no-
I'm not lending you another cent for your satisfaction.
I'm not going to nod my head along to your half-baked opinions.
I'm not going to let you walk through my life,
ruining every precious thing I have left.

because the secondhand smoke has already destroyed my body,
your words have already destroyed my mind.
I won't let the shattered pieces be picked up and swallowed like the pills that you love shoving down your ashen throat.

The Lady Grace smiles down at me.
It's loving smile like no other
Brighter than stars and sun's
Beaming rays upon a child's face
As I smile back.
The smile of the lady grace lights my world.
Lady Grace lights her cigarette.

The Lady Grace smiles at me.
It's a loving smile like no other
Brighter than stars and sun's
Beaming upon her proud grandsons face
As I beam back.
I'm making strides in the world.
And she strides with me.
At her own pace.
The beam of the lady grace lights my world.
Lady Grace lights her cigarette.

The Lady Grace opened her eyes
She dragged herself off her side and propped herself up with her arm
She gasped for air.
She trained her eyes on me
Desperate and loving
Wishing to speak.
I look back.
Glazed to her pain.
She searches through.
I'm here for her.
Lady Grace lights her cigarette.

My eyes squint on the doorframe.
I drag myself to consciousness from dreams.
'your grandma is dead'.

Lady Grace left me today.
Her love and guidance vanished in the wind.
I light a cigarette.
And cry.