Pad and pen,
here are Casey’s thoughts again...

Driving down the highway, Jason is strapped in because Casey’s in denial again. She doesn’t want to lose her little one.

Wake up Casey, you’re dreaming. He’s gone.
You drove under the influence.
What’s wrong with you?  
This is what you get. He’s never coming back.

Driving silent like a mime with its mouth sewn shut.
You’re just like a mime, living in a black and white world.
You’re gray matter Case.
You’re a nut-case.
Where’d you put your straight jacket?

You hit your brakes to assure Jason will be safe.
Convinced that at every intersection there’s a conspiracy against you,
sure to get hit.

But Casey, it’s too late. This is what you get.
He’s never coming back.

Why’d you have to reach for more?



Lock her up.
Strap her in.

Casey's off the deep end... again.

I don't know how I got here
Back in this head space
I tried to avoid it so many times
Yet I'm right back at the same place.
I don't want to fail
I don't want to break
I don't want to do something I'll regret
I don't want to make a mistake.
My days are slow
They are painful
I don't know how much time I have
I don't know how to be thankful.
Peaceful sleep never comes any more
Smiles don't brighten my eyes
I feel hopeless and stuck in the lows
Searching for the highs.
No I don't mean drugs
I mean the moments when I breathe
When I'm not stuck
Full of sadness that begins to seethe.
Bright stars I do not gaze
Friends I do not call
Never in my life
Have I ever felt so small.
I can't fix the problems I own
All the best parts of me
I've seemed to outgrown.
I don't want to gain
I don't want to loose
For all I can do is be still
In life I won't have to choose.
I'm not okay
I'm not alright
I am tired
I don't want to fight.
"Get up!" I scream inside
But I can not move an inch
As if I'm stuck in a nightmare
In need of a pinch.
This is not real
I have to move
Nothing's going to change
Nothing's going to improve.
All the space of life
The pain begins to take up
I can't stay this way
I have to wake up.

I look into the mirror
And hate my vacant stare
But paralyzing sorrow
Keeps me standing there
I have no strength to leave
No courage left to fight
So I study my reflection
But it’s such a painful sight
I forge a forced smile
Has it ever been so hollow
The corners of my eyes
Are now dripping in sorrow
I run my fingers through
My tangled, greasy hair
I don’t know if this smile
Can ever be repaired
And I can see the fear
Swirling in my eyes
Some things can’t be covered
By a simple smile disguise
Of all the tears from laughter
Seems just tears from sorrow stain
And my posture collapses
Under the weight of all this pain
I don’t know who I’m looking at
I don’t know where I went
My real face twists with joy
It’s not haunted by torment
And I just get more confused
The longer I stay here
I need to stop looking at
The imposter in the mirror

Another day goes by
Uneventful, fake
The happiness subsides
Leaving a cold, unforgiving world
In its wake
One day
I'll finally know what it feels like
To enjoy waking up
To enjoy life

Today isn't that day

I watch the candle flicker
Moonlight streaming through
My open window
A soft breeze dancing along my skin
This is it, I think
What happiness is
This serenity, calming feeling
Where nothing bothers me
And I feel nothing at all

I was wrong.

I’d like to

But my brain's response is sluggish
And the me you know is not
The me that I am...

Right now.

Tiny lion laid so low
Who cut your mane
Your glow
The brain-land took, synapses struck
then
lost you
and it your-self and soul

The savanna called home
smacked of a foreign land
we found you hidden and weaving
your paw-full feet
scratching
telescoping
your way through the
streets of castaways, vines, and fists
Catching you then in its
paltry honeycomb

What are those points of neurons
fabricating in your mind
feeding fears
with gesturing claws
devising and fantasizing
luring my felis Leo, oh sick cat
take our love
struggling to bridge the gaps

Companions you lost
drifting through the dust
of the city cement
and ****** watered drugs
in veins
used by demons
who take the souls of lions
are now in their own generation, generating
their continued demise
away from you in your living trust

Your crown of tresses matted in tassels,
we searched the grass and pavements
we feared you were lost.
adrift,
missing and gone.
Years past,
treatments were tried
you emerged
the clearing did rise
you could now greet the day
to the love songs you hear
sing them for you,
you are the love
     whose worth is waiting
Lead on

You
Your Highness, watching upon your hill
breathe slow
linger a bit
recognize the worth of time
know there is a strength
in delay
anticipate dear one
the sun rises
Standy by,
for the afterglow

Master through life
do not succumb
your homeland,
waiting
as new companions take shape
As long as there are
plenty of tomorrows  
upon tomorrows
to a pick a friend,
a quarrel,
a dandelion.
accept hope,
A day for Lions will come.

Salt the blade and lick the wound
my dear brother I'm joining you soon.
May the willows weep down
and look upon the riverbank
as they see the ******* dirt in my cut
as it mixes with mud
and then mixes with blood
Brother, mother, father, dear.
Do you not understand the words
I'm whispering to you here?
As I stand up upon my cross
looking down at you with
a bullet in my brain.

I don't have anything left to do.
There is nothing left to say.

The alcohol ***** me up every time,
And I just can't seem to find,
My sanity in the calamity,
Of my ever loving mind,
Because when it's drowning in tequila,
I just want sleep with a fella,
I'll invite over random people from Tinder,
Thank the Lord I haven't been murdered,
Or worse, yes there's worse,
Because I'm suicidal, find me a hearse,
I've been this way,
Since the fourth grade,
When my innocence was broken,
And now I'm just too woken,
To the ways of the world and the **** people in it,
And I just can't seem to find my place among it,

Relapse on the horizon,
If I can't find a way to survive this,
Please someone save me from my drowning before I die,
Because I don't know how to swim in my own mind,

I've been in pieces lately,
Crying sometimes uncontrollably,
And that's just not me,
I'm usually relatively happy,
Cracking jokes, to cover my hurt,
So no one knows just how far down in the dirt,
I really am these days,
How much I just want to fade,
Into oblivion, and never resurface,
Because I put a mask on my face,
And tell everyone I'm okay,
It's like an automatic reaction to say,
To never tell anyone how I really feel,
Which is like garbage if you can deal,
With the truth, but most people can't handle it,
Most people don't want the real ****,

Relapse on the horizon,
If I can't find a way to survive this,
Please someone save me from my drowning before I die,
Because I don't know how to swim in my own mind.