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As each day passes I hate myself more
Why does it seem like I’m always in the wrong?
“Know your place”, “you forgot your place” has become an axiom in my head,
I cannot help but think that I’m such a burden, inferior, useless, and shouldn’t live instead

I hate myself so much, everything is my fault no matter what I do
My character is criticised every single time,  the shadows on the wall chiding me for being such a fool
My heart’s so pain, I can’t breathe
With every breath, the more I hate me

The shadows haunt me, criticising every part of me
I need to change my entire self, the more wrong in myself I see
I hate every inch of myself, I don’t deserve to live
Why is it so painful to be criticised continuously, staying positive while taking all these in is a myth

The light casts on the shadows, bringing much happiness into my life,
My heart is full of joy during these times, the sadness and hatred becomes a lie
But when the shadows form and haunt me around at times,
I’m trapped - hatred for myself and depression hides in my cry  

“You’re weak and immature so you cry easily” was what I was told,
Weakness and immaturity adds on to my list - of the lowest lows
I can’t stop crying and wanting to self-harm, am I weak?
Or maybe those words has caused me to fail to accept any part of me

The shadows overwhelm me and engulf my sleep,
“You’re undeserving of anything”, is all the shadows have bestowed upon me
I always feel like I’m at fault even though I’ve tried, why is this so?
My character is questioned - I hate every part of my soul

I can’t help but wonder to myself…

Is the day that my tears dry,
Also the day that I die?
Behind every smile of mine hides a shadow which engulfs me, making me hate me
I shiver,
Goosebumps appear.
My hands quiver,
My eyes tear.

I talk to you with so much eager,
But you sound like a stranger
I tell you how hurt I am,
But all you reply me is with a “****”

A “****”.

No apology,
No empathy
No remorse
No sympathy

Hurt me intentionally,
Yet it’s “justified” because I hurt you more
Saying it nonchalantly with so much indifference coldly,
This is so painful, it hurts me right through the core

You seem like a completely different person,
It feels like I don’t know who you are anymore
It feels like I’m talking to a completely cold stranger,
It’s like I don’t know what I want anymore
"Faster!"
"Harder!"
Bright, red, fresh blood oozes out
From that small door, it tries to escape,
Unleashing a small bit of self-hate

"Stop now!"
"NO, CONTINUE MORE! YOU DESERVE THIS!"
My mind is in a constant debate

When will the pain stop, when can I hide this facade?
No one knows, maybe this pain will never fade
When I look into the mirror,
I am disgusted by who I see
-‘Pit-a-patter’-

Raindrops fall on the window pane before it slowly plummets,
Falling into a large, brittle, glass-made bucket
The water level in the bucket rises slowly but inconsistently,
The bucket never overflows— instead it waits for the raindrops fervently  

Your texts are inconsistent and you are slow to reply,
Each word is collected inside my heart to see what you imply
Our conversations and memories slowly build up inside my heart,
My heart is never full— it longs for more of you to impart

-‘Whoosh’-

A strong gust of wind blows by and the rain stops,
Objects picked up by the wind hits against the bucket nonstop
Each hit leaves a mark on the bucket like a merciless, sharp dagger,
The pressure builds up—the brittle glass bucket eventually shatters

Uncertainties and problems start coming our way nonstop,
Carrying along our insecurities and worries- we no longer talk
You start to waver, telling me your feelings for me are dying,
Each word pierces through my fragile heart which falls apart— I start crying

The broken pieces of the glass bucket are scattered all over the street,
Even within each piece, scratches are all over it- although many but discreet
The damaged bucket is replete and can no longer collect the falling rain,
The water it collected previously is released and spills all over the floor like paint

My heart shatters into a million tiny pieces with each piece lost and forlorn,
Even within each piece, scars are all over it— inconspicuous but not gone
All our shared memories that I collected earnestly is tainted in a second,
“Just forget everything, leave it all behind” is what you beckoned

The broken pieces of my heart are impossible to mend,
Your smile, your words, your presence causes my heart to rend
No matter how much I try, the pieces do not fit together like it did before,
Are you the glue? Should I walk towards or away from you? I don’t what to do anymore
----
12am
1/12/21
——————
METAPHORS USED:

1. Raindrops —> Texts, Conversations
2. Water in the bucket —> Memories, shared experiences, dreams and hopes
3. Bucket —> Heart
4. Wind —> Uncertainties, problems, temptations
5. Objects carried along by the wind —> Insecurities, worries
6. Scratches —> Scars
My first attempt at writing a more in-depth poem with many more metaphors and figurative language, it was more challenging to organise and create these metaphors and links but i enjoyed coming up with these! Will attempt to write more of these metaphorical poems and improve on it :)
“Sometimes the lines in a poem and song are lines you wish you could text-message somebody in real life”
It’s 2am and I’m wide awake,
I can’t stop thinking about what you said
Our past memories keep overwhelming me,
I ask myself: why didn’t I realise how much you meant to me?

Tears start rolling down my cheek,
I feel so guilty, so small and weak  
“Why couldn’t I just accept your love and stay?”,
This question has been haunting me everyday

I scroll through our past messages tentatively,
Realising how you had waited for me so patiently
Even after numerous night falls,
Why didn’t I ever give you a call?

I realised that maybe I was too selfish,
You were just right there- why didn’t I cherish?
“I will be here for you” was what you said,
Why didn’t I ever say this to you instead?

A crushing sensation pierces through my heart,
It seems as if my entire world is falling apart
“I deserve this, you went through this too”,
I will willingly suffer pain and sorrow just for you

It is selfish for me to say that I want you back,
I have always loved you- it just took time for me to realise that
It’s too late, you seem to have already moved on;
What else can I do, but to pretend to put on a strong front?

It’s too late, maybe your heart is somewhere else
You didn’t wish me on my birthday- I can infer from it by myself
We both made mistakes, but you tried to make up for it;
I did too, but maybe, I was the cause of our second split

You’ll never read this, but I want you to know,
I have always had feelings for you- it just didn’t show
I have always been terrible at texting and directly expressing my feelings;
My ‘pococurante’ over messages might have been what was misleading

There are so many things that I want to tell you,
One of it is that it takes a lot not to call you
If me contacting you brings you pain in any way,
Even if it means suffering on my own- I won’t do so; I’ll act like everything is okay

You are the kindest, most selfless and sweetest guy I know,  
Don’t let my mistakes affect you and become your shadow
You bring a ray of light and comfort to the people around you,
I hope one day, you’ll find someone who is like this too

“We’ll see what happens four years down the road” was what you said,
Four years have passed- what have we become instead?
From being friends, to lovers, to friends, back to being strangers;
Will this cycle repeat? Or is it too late for us

Every time I walk past you or see you from afar,
My heart beats crazily fast, it just adds on to my scars
It’s too late for me to apologise and reconcile, isn’t it,
My finger hovers above the ‘send’ button… should I click?

28/11/21
2am
The longest poem I've ever written 👀😳😯
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