I still write you love letters.
Love letters to your ghost.
Somebody that I might have known once
but view only as a stranger in a crowd of familiar faces.
I still write these love letters for nobody.
All about you.
The nothingness.
The emptiness.
An untitled painting.
An overused quote.
Unattributed.
Maybe I still write about the girl that I fell in love with in the sixth grade.
Or maybe I still write about the girl I cried about in high school.
Or maybe I'm writing about a girl that shares miles between me in the same bed.
Some small thing with fiery hair. No. Maybe brunette.
Tall. Definitely. Thighs and an ***.
Tired eyes. Green.
No. Brown.
I'm still writing about you.
A love letter for somebody that cares.
Somebody that realizes my words are all I have.
That doesn't brush them away.
Annoying. A crowd of gnats.
My words are for you.
For whomever will take them.

You are an annoying insect
Slithering into my space
Swarming around me
Ticking off my patience
Crawling up my nerves
Buzzing in my ears
Infecting my happiness
Bugging me more each moment
Yet I cannot bring myself
To **** you

Don't get me wrong,
I'll hold your silence
That you gave them.

It's not my noise to
Expel, knowing dams
May release a torrential
Frond that I now choose
Not to facilitate.

You needed me,
But I needed you
Much more, but
If I wasn't awake

This might be too familiar,
All the lights are on, it's my fault.
I fell asleep again, too awake,
Leaving lonely sheets to bake
In a morning light no one appreciates
We're both gone, and there's no one
Who knows your power unfolding
Across hapless subjects of your
Own design.

We will be erased.
At least to me, every new innocence broken,
Crashing against rocks of jealousy, tied to
A dock built out of false promises to myself
Begging the question, how do I begin again?

I'm not sure I'm even sad anymore by the technical definition of the word-
I think I just am tired of waking up to the same smells, the same sounds, the same loneliness that has become my best friend-

They say you get addicted to a certain type of sadness, but that could be just a lyric in a song I heard once-
I find myself dismissing the ideas of sunshine and wishing for the rain-
I find myself driving across state lines tossing my cell out the window and letting my darker than normal hair fly in the wind as I drive with no end goals-

I am sure I'm not sad anymore I just hate routine and want to disappear for a while-
My doctor wants to put me on anti-depressants but I flipped him off and screamed anarchy as I walked out that door-

One day I'll have the courage to say goodbye to everything I've ever known-
I'll color my hair and wear tight pants because I can do what I want-
I'll drink midori sours in the morning and sleep in my car-

My doctor called me reckless and insane -
My parents called me immature and needed to grow up-
My friends told me I'm depressed and keep trying to reassure me I won't die alone-
I say I don't give a **** anymore; let the wild take me and set me free-

Leave me be where I may stand
Of me, nothing you shall demand
My life you need to control, I understand
For in your own you have no hand.

Don't even think about it...
No. Don't say a thing.
It's stupid anyway and
nobody cares anyway.
Seriously. Shut up.
Your mind is too loud.
Your thoughts are annoying
to them. So. That's that.
If you speak your mind...
People will;  
Look at you strangely,
Think you are stupid,
Tell you to take your meds.
You worry too much.
Don't freak out.
Freak out internally,
but don't do that either.
Smile. Don't smile too big.
Worry. Don't Worry too much.
But do. But don't. But do.
Calm the **** down...

Running was our thing
My connection to you
Now I have to share with her
She who always is trying to best me
And is ruining the fun
And relaxation
That comes from so many of my favorite things

Reading was our thing
Something I could relate to

Our shared sense of humor
Is now being forced into stupidness
Because I have to share with her

We didn't have much in common
But the few things we did are gone
Because of her

My friends that are closer to my age
I'm gone one time because of a conflict
Now they're not my friends at all

They say I'm a role model
She looks up to me
She doesn't
She just sees it
As a competition

I try to be patient
But I can't
People say we are so similar
But we are nothing alike

She is loud and commanding
She wants attention
And has different sides to her
That no one else sees
Because she is so fake around others

People are disappointed in me
When I dislcude her
But when she does that to others
No one cares
Or is disapojnted in her

Because she isn't supposed to be mature
And I'm supposed to be setting the example

Beautiful dreamer
wake up and get me creamer
my coffee needs to be sweeter

Snoozing sunshine
it’s already morning time
and half the bed is mine

Dozing goddess
you’re not looking too flawless
just wanted to be honest

Sleepy prodigy
you are too close to me
it’s annoying please

Drowsy king
where is my coffee
that you said you’d bring

oh **** oh **** oh ****!
I missed the garbage truck
I have a bin full of trash
full of people I want to smash.
Pain is the only thing they give
a people plague that pollutes  
the life I live.
But when the garbage truck arrives
and it will tomorrow morning
I will throw these people out
without a single warning.