I'm here not there and it breaks my heart
I hear new stories everyday
And I wish I was there
I left so many friends behind
Ones that stayed in touch
Others that stopped responding
How did we go from talking every day
To never speaking again?
I would ask you how you're doing.
Good. That's all I got. It's all I get.
Friends I'm worried about
That don't respond
And I can't ask others about them.
Because I was their confidant.
I was the one you could tell anything.
I regret the one time I was stupid.
The one time I didn't know
I didn't know what to say
How to handle your words.
I still love her.
I love everyone.
But I said the harsh ones too soon.
The understanding ones too late.
Instead of being the confidant I was the judger.
I wouldn't blame her if she stopped trusting me.
Whenever I think of what I said.
I regret it a hundred times over.
No matter how sorry I was.
You can't take back words.
Once they are out they are free.
I can't just erase them.
I'm not a judgmental person.
Maybe I once was.
A long time ago.
And maybe when I'm shocked
I revert back to my old self.
Maybe that's why
I said those things I said
Maybe that's why
I couldn't look at you
Not because I didn't like you
Not because I didn't love or trust you
Because I didn't know what else to do
And when you get scared
When you have anxiety like I do
You go back to being the old you.
Lately I've felt like I'm just floating
My home is here
My friends are there
And I don't know where I belong
I was never going to be that girl,
The one who wanted
What she obviously couldn't have.
The one who wished a boy like him
Would like her instead,
Of her best-friend who is perfect for him
I didn't want to be that jealous friend
But now look at me.
How does someone enter your mind so fast?
Consume your thoughts so easily?
Why is it, that after only a few days,
All I can think of is you?
Thrown in the garbage
Without a second thought
Years down the road
Found washed ashore on a small island
Among thousands, millions of other pieces of garbage
Poisoning and killing the native birds
Who have lived there their whole lives
Relying on the fish in the water
The bugs on the land
But without great sight
They can’t tell a lid from a squid
A wrapper from a fish
The trash ends up in their stomach
It doesn't go away
They can’t and won’t be able to get it out of their systems
Staying until the bird dies
Millions of dead birds
All around the island
Never moved, never touched
Dying and decaying
Their bodies turning to dirt
But not the plastic that was in them
It takes hundreds, sometimes thousands of years
For those pieces to finally break down
The few things that do decompose
As they’re floating in the ocean
Are still out there
Turning into microscopic spheres of plastic
Collecting toxins and infecting fish
Other plastic spheres making their way to land
Mixing in with the sand
Eventually instead of rocks
The sand will be made of plastic
And that will be considered normal
A prediction for 2030
Based off scientist’s studies
There will be more plastic in the ocean
Than there will be fish
The fish that we eat
And what’s going to happen to us?
Is the plastic going to **** us too?
All of these things
Just adding up
Like a big cycle
We throw it away
We **** the animals
Pollute the waters
And in turn
Our garbage will **** us
I lay in bed
Trying desperately to go to sleep
But the thoughts are running freely through my head
Like I'm watching someone fill a cup
But it's about to overflow
The liquid getting closer to the top
It looks like a cup of cocoa
I can't stop thinking
Ideas, worries, and just plain old thoughts
Mixed and melding
Until I can no longer focus
I tell myself to breathe in breathe out
Focus on the sound of the fan
Close my eyes and focus on nothing at all
And fall asleep
I slip in my ear buds and lean against the window
Remembering pulling on my coral and daisy rain boots
Pulling on my rain coat
Walking outside, rain dripping out of the clouds
Puddles splashing as I walk through them
The reflection of the tree’s in the pond
The birds flying low, staying under cover
A big puddle is in the middle of the sidewalk
I jump in it.
Drops of water fly everywhere.
A grin makes its way to my face “Watch it!”
And melts back off.
I continue to trudge to the bus stop.
Standing there alone amid all the people.
My bright colors stand out in all the dark.
I can feel the eyes burning into me, but I refuse to give in.
The bus comes, we get on and we go
I sit in the same seat
I unzip my bag, fish out my phone and earbuds
Preparing for another day of loneliness,
That the brightest color of boots will never change.