baby you should know I cry better when I’m alone –
and I don’t really like to have to long conversations on the phone,
if it means I don’t see you by tomorrow, and try to hold you close…

but maybe I’m just so good at being alone –
that any time I’m banking on potential love, it’s just a loan

living so low – the hopeless romantic,
and their romantic feelings sitting solo… even when
I’m fearful of love, it’s much scarier being so in love,
but in love all alone
               no one really wants to be alone

I feel so alone, I feel nonstop confusion
Everyday I am spiraling, feeling like a nonstop delusion
I don’t know who I am anymore
There is a million different choices in life yet I can’t find the right door
I don’t know who I want to be
I want something that makes me feel like me

Do I want to be a teacher and educate our youth?
I feel forced into this position, no matter how hard I hide the truth
Do I want to be a writer and write stories that people will remember?
I love to write but it is not a dream that ignites like an ember
Do I want to be a photographer that takes photos people will cherish?
I feel like every photo I take is always doomed to perish
Do I want to design games that people will love to play
People tell me that my hobbies are only hobbies, no matter what I say
Do I want to teach English and help children learn to read and write?
I’m skilled at what I do yet I feel I fail when I try with all my might

I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do
I write out my feelings in some way to connect to you
I know nobody will read this but I have to get it out
People never seem to listen no matter how hard I shout
How do they expect me to choose when I am only 19
I have such a hard time, all I want is to be remembered and seen
Everyone else knows what they want to do
Yet I haven't a clue, I don’t know what is false and what is true

White so pure,
it's cleanliness sure.

Now soaked with dread
and flecked with red.

Heat of me melts into puddle,
my mind will fade and words will muddle.

Steel in chest and searing pain,
my face feels droplets of the winter's rain.

Fur of fire-blackened and bloodied,
as I lay with vision muddied.

No one will come though they look in flocks,
for I am just a simple fox.

i know this darkness.
it wraps around me
like an old sweater—
worn, frayed,
but familiar.

happiness knocks at my door
like a stranger with bright eyes,
offering sunlight,
offering warmth.

but sunlight burns.
and warmth fades.
and what if i can’t keep it?
what if it leaves
like everything else?

so i stay here,
in the shadows i’ve named home,
where sadness hums
a lullaby i’ve memorized.

because even pain
feels safer
than hope
that might shatter.

Indebt to the armor below par,

    I soldered myself a new one.

           I was enamored with the illusion,

                      But...

                        ­         Alone in my reflection.