fear is a tiny seed
planted in my lower belly.
my thoughts fuel the seed
to sprout with gentle ease.
its roots are finally free,
wrapping around my feet,
never letting me flee.
it grows into a nimble tree
whose branches strangle me.
the tree wears prickly leaves
that sting my aching body
until my eyes succumb to sleep.

I wrestle with these thoughts of doubt
And all the hate I can’t get out
While you sit there and watch me in my pain

Imagine that this hurt will pass
That death for me is swift and fast
Forever in your heart you’ll feel the rain

I want to stay for me and you
But I’ll do what I want to do
This world has extinguished my bright flame

sometimes i wake up with the stars i mapped out
caught in my eyes,
other days its a silent panic-
how many times have i had to fear my friends?

sometimes, like you, i hate the pet-names;
the way they crawl under my skin
as an excuse to not butcher mine.
but i would melt like wax wings to be your ‘baby’
just once, won’t you let it slip off your lips?

like honey?
like amber i'm begging to be trapped in?

how long has it been since my soft skin has been touched?
how long has it been since i last felt compassion
in the form of exploring hands
and gentle whispers?

so beautiful, so soft, so willing to listen to me as i

fall
like putty
into your hands.
into a love,
no longer mine-
oh, what would i give to be a lover?

lips full, never kissed
eyes open, never seen
ready to listen, but no words are spoken
no sweet nothings, but arms wide open.

what would it mean
to be held,
as the sun began
to rise again?

if i’m doomed not to sleep,
might i do it
with your name in mind?

if i’m cursed to stay awake,
talk to me until
the sun is in our eyes?

i would melt like wax wings.

would you have me then?
would you take my hand,
with the sweat on my brow?

would you have me now,
so bruised and tired?
with dark circles to balance
my rose-tinted outlook?
won't you hold my weary hand?
don’t be shy.

don’t pretend;
we both know i’m caught between daydreams.
aren’t you nothing but a hallucination?
i’m certain i’ve made you
up in my mind.
don’t be shy… don’t be shy.

I am the **** you do not notice
next to the saccharine flower
the one that silently grows
in the others shadow
the one that spreads itself out
and declares its space on the earth
while others are preoccupied watching the ephemeral flower bloom

It’s so loud out here
my edges curl  
and shrivel inward until I am
quiet
the thick bones of my neck collapse
weary from holding up a head
that wants to bow over in despair
but there is a tug
on my heartstrings
and it leads me to the surface
where all the wars are fought
“this is not where you belong”
it whispers
and takes my hand
to guide me under again
“here, where roots are deep, this is the refuge you seek.”

Esther Krenzin

it is a slow awakening
that i crave
i thought i wanted you to fill me
with understanding
but lord, treat me with care
touch me in small ways
i know i have built a dam
to keep you out
but i have been drowning for so long
that i cannot tell help
from harm

Esther Krenzin

Aching,
I stood under the sun,
and for a fleeting moment I saw
death’s shadow aligning with mine