Don't know why I am this way
it's no surprise i have no friends.

I suffer from social anxiety.
It keeps me away from the world.
and I don't know if I can just be
another lonely girl.

I know you think I'm really really weird.
Hands sweaty the fear is too real..
I feel so weak but I'm still holding on.
Don'ts wanna speak I'll just say something wrong.

But what the hell that's just who I am.
An epic fail the everyone is better than.

But I can't explain it
in a way that you could relate.

but you wouldn't understand it anyway...

Stop saying my body is "goals"
stop saying i have mesmerising eyes
stop saying my smile is charming
Or that i'm a sweetheart
Stop calling me beautiful

Beautiful girls don't sit at home alone on saturday nights
Beautiful girls don't cry themselves to sleep
And they don't hate what they see in the mirror

beautiful girls get good grades
beautiful girls get a lot of attention from guys
Beautiful girls are friends with everyone
they're not shy
they don't get anxiety attacks over having to make a phone call

Beautiful girls don't obsess over not having washed their hands for an hour
And they don't count calories
beautiful girls don't smile at the ground when they get a compliment
They face the person who complimented them and compliments them back...

Beautiful girls know how to write a proper poem.
a beautiful girl is that girl in the front of the class, who gets straight A's  and doesn't even have to try
She has long blonde hair and blue eyes.
she has straight teeth and a killer smile and all the guys are always around her.
*and She's never alone on saturday nights

I breathe in until I feel like my lungs might explode. I tighten my neck muscels and before I can think - My entire body is tense.

I'm trying to supress it. It has ruined so much but I will not let it ruin another moment...
I grind my teeth trying to supress it further, not realizing that grinding my teeth ... was a tic too.

Letting my mind slip for a second; I come to find that I have failed - once again
I flick my head, blink my eyes violently - turning the day into a stop motion movie - Once again I already know the plot.

Everything is moving in slowmotion around me - my body moving too fast to hold it in I fail - once again my body is dancing to a beat that is not mine.

I feel the pain in my neck. It is sore from giving into the neverending urge - once again it is strained from constant twitching and has been for god knows how long.

I try to ignore the pain and focus on supressing what's coming next, but being distracted by the pain I fail - once again I flick my head and exhale as fast as humanly possible. The exhale doesn't come alone - it never does. A pallette of sounds escape my mouth.

It was not me making those sounds, but the lungs affected by the pain are mine.
I feel the cycle starting over - once again.

It goes through me like a wave of energy.
I have been robbed of the control over my own body - once again.
The power to fight back has ... vanished.

I go to bed early but sleep late; battling this force with every shard of energy I could possibly have left - Once again leaving me exhausted enough to finally sleep, despite the constant twitching.

They say it's a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Too much dopamine is released.
As far as I'm concerned dopamine is a "Feel good hormone", so why does it make me so miserable?

I lay here thinking about when this cycle will end?
And when it finally does end, when will it restart? - Once again...

you don't know me.
Maybe you think you do.

I'm that tomboy who loves videogames
and can solve a rubiks cube in a mere minute.

I'm that girl who talks a lot to boys.
Because that's just where i fit in.

I'm that ****
who flirts with every guy she sees.


But that's not the truth at all.
That's not me

Actually I love nail polish and videogames, but in this society you have to identify as either masculine or feminine.
You can't be somewhere in the middle.

Actually i don't fit in with the boys. they're just better
at accepting that I'm who I am.
I don't fit in anywhere.


I have a flirtasious personality.
But I've been in a realationship with a guy that i Love for a year now. And I haven't even thought about cheating.

I don't even know if that's who I am.. the only thing i know is that i'm not male, but I dont feel female either.
That I'm not alone but still feel so lonely sometimes.

*Who am I and who do I wanna be?

Fake smiles, but teary eyes.
Alone in my room crying at night.

i'm just gonna hide the scars with a sweater
can't tell them i don't actually feel better.

i'm so sad but i can't tell you why
"i'm just tired" is my favourite lie.

It's almost christmas and everyone's happy
But in winter time i just feel so ******

I don't know why i feel so bad
truth is i'm just another depressed sociopath