what scares me is that i cannot differentiate between true feelings
and the mere belief of some feelings

i love coffee- the taste, the smell, the energy it gives
yet i feel terrible after drinking it
i guess there are some things we will always love,
even if it hurts us

I'm tired of always being on edge
when it comes to you.
at one time,
for one moment,
someone else took in your mind
and i'm sorry i cant forget it.
im sorry i question you
about everything.

she makes me sick to my stomach
and the thought of you two makes me sicker.

yes you came back
on your hands and knees
and yes i forgave you
and yes i am stupid
but for once i wanted to believe in that unbeatable love
that is stupid
and crazy
with everything else in between
because everyone has that love at some point.

i smile everyday
at least the shower cries with me

we all want something or someone we can relate to.

what's difficult is that you can't tell the
difference
between
a prince
and
a toxin.

the toxin is dressed in bright blue eyes
and jet black fluffy hair.
he can sing,
write,
play drums,
and is troubled.
he drags you in with one smile.

he is everywhere
and tells you enough so you'll stay.
his words aren't followed by actions,
but you believe him anyway.
he drags you in with enough to hook you.

he makes you feel guilty
because you did something small that
one time,
yet
he has done far worse
he drags you in with your own flaws.

he says sorry like its a daily pill
and means it
as much as a used piece of gum, on the underside of a table,
means to a stranger.
he drags you in with a minimum performance

he wants your body
and your body only.
you say no for so long,
you finally give in.
he drags you in with hot breaths.

he is bad for you, and you know it.
yet you take another
spoonful
of the toxic waste he is and

you drag yourself in.

you reek of heartbroken goodbyes
and naive judgement

i think i have grown tired
of everyone
and everything.
i need something new
a change
something that wont disappoint
something that doesn't get old
i think i have grown tired
of me

and for once, she actually felt something.
she found someone she was afraid to lose.
yes, the tin man does have a heart.
she always looked for words she could steal to describe how she felt, but now... now she can use her own words because she feels them.

she feels the pull and the always-present urge to be with him. she feels a thousand, overwhelming feelings all at once that brings her to tears.

     "this can't last forever"
         "the chanes are slim"
              "he could leave any second,just like a blink and he's gone."

these thoughts swim in a mind that is always flowing, but she holds onto the red that fills her body; the image of his goofy smile and bright green-blue eyes keep her mind at ease while he's away and keeps her busy.

everyday it grows stronger, even after all the walls she's built and the things she thought she knew. it even gets better after she couldnt imagine it could. and she breathes deep and heavy thinking about how everything about him is perfect, even his imperfections.

it's crazy.
she's crazy.

and this is why she's afraid to lose him.

ive been blinded by dreams that i wish would come true,
words that dont have actions
and lies that dont speak the truth
all i wanted was a me and a you
but all that i got, was pretending too

There was a time I thought I loved you,

and to be honest,
I didnt.

I loved you the way a little girl loves a stuffed animal; an affection, comfort, something that could never amount to anything id actually want, but something I could play pretend with.

The stuffed animal could be anything, especially something I could believe in and while that is good for a while, it will never be enough. playing pretend gets old, and imagining fairytales will stop after the cruelty of the world butts in.

Im just glad I outgrew stuffed animals.

the poison seeds that are planted in people's minds since birth, grow more and more everyday. It is a strange thought to think about; the way that the poisoned ones think is different than the others. they are still good individuals

just poisoned ones.

no one can dig them out, there's a connection missing somewhere
  
"help"  their mind cries, and at the same time their mind tells them that they deserve this, they will never get better, and they better get used to it because thats how they will always be.

the seed is planted firmly in the soil of the mind, and the only one that has the right tools to dig it up, is the one that hosts the plant.

it is a sad and unfamiliar thought, to think about the ones that are poisoned, and why they haven't picked up the *****.

i just want to leave
to get away.
no one understands
I've tried to talk,
but no one cares,
or understands.
no im not depressed.
im trying to find myself


..or maybe im losing myself.


I'm so **** stressed all of the time
and the pressure keeps adding
more
more
and more.

soon my plate will be too full of weighted rocks
soon they will all crash down

burying me.

i just dont know what to do anymore.

its different the 2nd time around
after you have been heartbroken
and you finally recover
then he comes back
and this time he is the one that is hurting
when you finally put yourself back together
he comes back asking for more
this time he is different
but you lost your love you had for him the first time..if you even loved him
if anything you should love him this time around because he's finally doing what you wanted... kinda
he is better than he was
but there is still something missing
why do you continue this?
because its the easier route
easier to be loved than to love
thats how its always been
and the fact that the one who broke your heart somewhat wants you again
well why not only have only one foot in?
you dont know if you actually still like him or not, or if you ever truly did
but now, you hit the realization that he's not what you want and wont ever be
all you are is a helping hand for him
it's a strange relationship
considering you change your mind so much
and you cant tell between reality and dreams
you dream of the perfect relationship
and the day the one comes to you
because wont it feel different than it does now?
was it just an infatuation with him the first time?
or the fact that he was new?
you never did stay occupied for that long before moving on
you always push aside the nice ones because you feel you'll never love them
you grow bored of them to easily
yet it is the easier choice
will it be different when the one comes along?
maybe this is just you making yourself feel this way
maybe your feelings are true
but how would you know?
You are looking for something you just don't know what exactly
sometimes you find it in him, sometimes you find it in others
or are you just so low that you can't stay involved in one relationship without thinking of others?
maybe its not them, its you.
you find it difficult yet at the same time easy
you are polar opposites and maybe that's why you look at more than one person
you just dont want to regret anything
or make mistakes
because failure is your biggest fear
and you are a perfectionist
which adds to everything else
so what now

id like to be anywhere but here,
staring out the classroom window,
watching the traffic go by,
the colors of the painted sunrise,
the heater of the other building
puffing smoke out of the roof,
the bare boney trees,
this teacher lectures on pointless things
that looses my peer's attention.

I'd like to be anywhere but here
experiencing things,
not just dreaming about them.

i have great dreams,
dreams of being an artist,
a writer,
a psychologist,
a singer,
a chemist,
a business woman,
a high-end New Yorker,
a relaxed California beach-lover..

the list goes on
but most of all i want to be a success and have happiness in whatever i choose to do
maybe by experimenting with each one ill find my true calling
but until then the choices are in abundance and i am still dreaming

i will never be ready to let you go..




ever.

on the night we became one
he took me outside
where a birthday party was hosted
just hours before
he led me to a small place in the backyard
on the dark green grass
on a warm summer night
just between the pool and the driveway
away from everyone else
away from interruptions
and he pulled out his phone
he chose a song
i had never heard before
by City and Colour
under the stars of the night sky
and under the lights of the lanterns that draped all around us
in the trees


we danced.

the moon is full
it's below zero
and i want nothing more
than to be wrapped up in you
between cozy sheets