I think my heart is starting to decay without you.

I can't even pass by your house without feeling this emptiness in my chest.

Sometimes I think I can see your name written in the stars
Spelling the sound of your voice
That lingers in my mind
Stars align just perfectly enough to tell me that your still here
When a gust of wind brushes the hair out of my face
I can feel that it's you trying to tuck loose strands of hair behind my ear
Everytime it rains the drops on my windowsill play the melody of your favorite songs
I said goodbye to you when they buried you deep under the earth
With the dirt and all the flowers
But you never said goodbye to me
Instead you said I'll be there soon

I'm afraid of not being enough
Of laughing to loudly at corny jokes
Of reeking to much of the cigarettes I smoke

I'm afraid of not smiling as much
Of crying and black tears staining your sheets
Of giving you everything

I'm afraid of a broken heart
Of never being able to put back the pieces
Of lying helpless on your chest unable to speak cause my lungs have finally collapsed

I'm afraid of that spark I feel when your lips are on mine
Of that sudden electricity running through my spine
Of all the butterflies in my stomach turning to spiders

I'm afraid of loving you
But I'm tired of being afraid

I did the thing I'm not supposed to do again
He said he'd leave if I did it again
Well I did it again
And maybe he won't find out again
But he will leave again
He'll find another lame excuse to leave again
I'm falling apart again
Thrown on the floor again
Breaking down again
I'm drowning again
Please don't leave me again
I can't take this again
He's gone again

It was the first party she was invited to, she knew that the only reason people wanted her to come was because she was having a fling with one of the popular kids. One of the guys who wore the short shorts and southern tide shirts with his hat flipped backwards. She didn't even like the sight herself, but she had just been broken up with from her previous boyfriend and she was feeling lonely. He came onto her about one month after the break up, it was the middle of summer and he was always around hanging out with her brother. She remembered the time when she first really noticed him, they were picking up her brother from work late and night and she was switching from the driver’s seat to the back seat. She was moving things out of the seat when suddenly her brother pulled forward in the car and the wheel was on top of her foot. She was screaming to the top of her lungs and as Brandon leaped out of the car Andrew finally drove forward and the tire slowly released her foot. Brandon picked her up like a husband picks up his wife when they first get married. He placed her in the seat and untied her shoe trying to relieve the pressure. It was the size of a cantaloupe. She was crying from all the pain and her brother raced home to get her mom. They pulled up beside the house and Brandon came to the side and picked her up again cradled in his arms, he placed her on the couch and sat beside her to wipe away the tears streaming from her face.

Brandon taps her shoulder and she realized she was day dreaming of a better time, he motioned forward to the table and she realized that someone had poured shots. "Great" she thought, "the last thing I want to do is drink ***** with all these people around me." She took one and all the sudden everyone was cheering. Thinking to herself she wanted to get as far from here as possible but she didn't want to be the "loser" everyone thought she was. "You look stunning tonight." Brandon said when he was close to her ear. "Thanks, it's kind of a stupid costume thought don't you think?"
"Not at all, you look nice as a **** Santa." She felt so uncomfortable in that stupid costume, she went shopping two weekends ago to the Halloween store next to the mall. She couldn't decide what to wear so her friend picked out a "**** Santa" costume and said that all the guys would notice her in this. She felt her stomach turn. She didn't want people to notice her but she didn't think she could look at these ridiculous costumes any longer.

I feel so out of place, she thought to herself as the drinking went on and the music was growing louder. I don't belong with these people. Brandon wrapped his hands around her waist and she could smell the alcohol coming from his mouth as he tried to kiss her, he was beyond wasted. "Don't you think you might want to slow down a little bit?" She said to him. "What's wrong, this is a party you should be as drunk as I am." He laughed so loud, if she was deaf she would have been able to hear him. It was past midnight and she was getting sleepy, she figured she needed to slow down so she could actually drive back home. She was staying at her mom’s place so her mom wouldn't care if she came home wasted. Why not right? It's a party. So she drank until the room was spinning and she couldn’t stop giggling. She grabbed the bottle and chugged, “Woah, look who was telling me to slow done, how about yourself?” She laughed, “Well I thought you said I should have fun, this is what fun looks like right?” “Do you want to get out of here?” As soon as the words came out of his mouth she headed for the toilet and threw up whatever she was drinking and the dinner she ate before the party.  Brandon had sobered up overtime and drove her car home to her place, with her head hanging out the window so she didn’t throw up everywhere in her car. He pulled up outside her house and she already knew the words that were going to come out of his mouth, “Can I stay?” She felt her stomach turn to knots, and as she worked up the courage to say yes, she threw up right outside her front door in the bushes. He helped her up the stairs to her room, and she told him he could stay if he wanted. So he did. She wasn’t feeling as dizzy anymore so she finally changed into shorts and a tank top for bed. Brandon was laying in his boxers, and although she liked the sight she wasn’t sure this is what she wanted, but her thoughts were all jumbled together anyways she couldn’t think straight. Laying down, the dizziness came back and her stomach felt uneasy, she didn’t know if it was from the ***** or because an eighteen year old boy was basically naked lying beside her. She wanted to tell him that this was a bad idea and he should just go home but she knew he wouldn’t listen, he never did.

The clock turned to three am, and she felt him push against her, she looked over at him wondering what he was trying to communicate to her, and that’s when she realized he wanted to have ***. All she could think was no. There was no way she was losing her virginity on Halloween night when she’s still drunk and can barely see straight. Her thoughts couldn’t make their way to her mouth. She felt like a mime, only able to speak with her hands, but she couldn’t even move. His hands were now on her stomach forcing down her shorts and underwear. All she could think was no. There wasn’t a sound able to escape her mouth. She was trying to wiggle her way out of his touch but his grip suddenly tightened around her stomach keeping her stationary. Her moved his body on top of her and began forcing himself upon her. Tears were staining her bed sheets but she wasn’t screaming for help, her mouth wouldn’t let her. Instead, she cried silently still trying to break free from his body encaging her like a prison. He forced himself upon her again and kept forcing himself until she started to wail. He acted as if he didn’t hear her. No, this is not what I wanted, this isn’t what was supposed to happen. Why is he doing this? She thought as he pushed harder unto her. He loosened his grasp on her arms and she broke from his prison and ran to the bathroom, there was blood, so much blood. Red marks covered her arms and thighs. She didn’t want to go back in there but she didn’t know what else to do, she waited thirty minutes before entering her room only to realize he was fast asleep. She noticed all the blood on the sheets and just cried herself to sleep.

It was sometime in the early morning when she woke up, and he was gone. She heard someone at the door and shot up wondering if it was him, she peeked out the curtains and let out a sigh, Thank god it’s not him, was all she could think. She walked down the stairs realizing how much her body ached. Opening the door, her best friend walked in and she lost it. She began crying in her friends arms telling her everything that had happened last night and all her friend could do was stand there in shock until she finally stopped crying. “You have to go to the police!” Amber said. “No, Amber I was so drunk and stupid they won’t believe me when I tell them what happened. They will tell me that it wasn’t ****. They will tell me that I didn’t say no!” she cried. “Michelle, if you don’t go to the police your just going to let him get away with this? I told you her was a horrible person and yet you still fell for his stupid tricks and look what happened. He ***** you Michelle, can’t you understand that?” “Yes, I do understand. But I didn’t say no, I didn’t scream to get him off of me I just laid there imprisoned and took it.” She said so quietly it wasn’t even a whisper. “I’m so sorry.” Amber said and she motioned for Michelle to come into her arms for an embrace. “It will be okay.”

Hell isn't as bad as it seems
Our only **Escape is a dream
Love was never A permanent solution
We thought it was Real
Time took away all our smiles
Breathing isn't an option
You were Ruthless for another word
But my days were slowly Ending
And you couldn't bear the pain
So you Killed my heart by not speaking

Im standing on a ledge
On a mountain
With a view as far as the eye can see
The wind is pushing me back
Toward safety
The urge to jump is
Clawing at me
All the secrets
And lies
Piled ontop of eachother
Overwhelm my mind
With thoughts of
Death
All it takes is one step
Off the ledge
That one moment of nothingness
As i fall
Surging toward the ground
But maybe death is safety
And whatever awaits in life
For me tomorrow
Is danger
Clouded by a lie of happiness.

It took me a long time to realize that not everything in life is meant to be a beautiful story. Not every person some deep connection with is meant to make a home within us, is meant to be a forever. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us not only how to love, but how to let go. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us how not to love, how not to settle for less than we deserve, how not to belittle ourselves for the sake of someone else.  Yes sometimes the greatest loves leave, but it’s because they weren’t meant to stay, they came to teach us. And their lessons always stay. That is what matters. That is all that remains.

If he loves me
He rarely shows it
I think he wants
To leave me
Why should he
Even stay
Every one
Leaves anyway

I crave you,
Your like an addiction
Like a pack of cigarettes
A small blue pill
A shot of Alcohol
You've crawled your way under my skin
You've dug a hole deep into my heart
Making it ache when your not touching me
Making it break when your not holding me
You've made my lungs squeeze for air when you grab my hair
You've made my insides burst with fire when you say my name
You've made my blood race through my body like an ocean wave
I crave you
Your like an addiction

There are many things i am happy to forget,
To wipe away
To a clean slate.
A new year,
A new beginning.
The start of something new
Compared to something old.
The lost soul,
Brought to be found again.
Light comes
And darkness fades.
A new year,
Is a new start,
A fresh place,
Happiness may come
To bring sorrowed pain.
Its a new chapter,
A different page.
You are the creator of your own story,
Walk your own path
A new road,
Twist and turns
Blurred lines
Shadowed trees.
Its a new year,
A new beginning
This is your choice,
Only you can decide.

As the night carries on
And the beautiful laughter comes to an end
The people who once filled my hearts with joy
Only fill my head with emptyness
The flowers that once grew
Are dead
And as I lay in my bed
Close my ears
Shut my eyes,
I cry
To another sleepless night.

Anxiety
Controlling my everyday life
Anxiety
Taking my heart and throwing it against the wall
Anxiety
Wrapping around in my head to consume my thoughts
Anxiety
Crying and screaming against my throat
Anxiety
Crashing and thrashing its way into my body making me shudder
When theres a knock at the door
Anxiety
Lighting fires to my insides
Anxiety
Making my hands shake so someone will notice im unbalanced
Anxiety

Have you ever thought about your life without the demanding concept of time? Chances are you probably can’t, one of the very first things we learn is how to tell time. You know the year, the month, the day of week, right down to the time of day. You have tiny clocks on your wrists, some hung on your walls, there’s one on your screen and even your car. It’s funny how man is so dependent on time. Surrounding ourselves with a paralyzing concept that only man endures. When all around us in nature time is simply ignored, the birds are  not late, and wolves don’t fret over the passing of birthdays. See the world around us lives free while man suffers from the fear of time running out.

There was no material, I was just a ball of thoughts,
My body was still but my soul was above me, there was nothingness but yet there was everything. I could feel all the molecules that make up my living body. I died, and came back within seconds. I didn't see a god, I didn't see a hell. There wasn't a light or darkness, it was just an empty space, full of all my thoughts, it's as if when we die, all we see and all we seem is but a thought within another thought. Nothing more, and nothing less. Thoughts and thinking processes, when we are alive we think, and when we die we continue thinking. Mindfilled nothing's, born to think. And born to die, thinking. We are a consciousness.

Life is a puzzle
Where everyone has to fit in,
Belong to society
And the walls they crowd us in
We are all just searching
For the place
That connects
Our empty spaces
To their whole places.
Piece after piece
We start to believe
That no one out there
Is our soul mate destined to be
We continue through life
Puzzled.
Till the day death flaunts our heart
We are completely
Troubled.

I still wish someone would save me.

He was a sunday evening sunset
He was the song of early morning birds
He was the light shining through windows in morning hush
He was the breath taking moments of life

&

I was the pooring rain on a friday night
I was the hushed tones of voices that carried throught darkness
I was the ocean with its constant crashing waves
I was the horrible scream of silence surrounded by a crowded room

His life was to beautiful to love a sad dark world like mine.

Be a writer who doesn't know where the next sentence will take her. A writer who focuses on her own self, studying her own brain. A writer whose heart is bursting with love and desire. A writer sly enough to give the clues to her secrets in the crevices of her pages. A writer whose words spread thought in others to give people a sense of purpose. But it's alright that she doesn't always know what she's thinking until she writes it. It's as if the words already exist somewhere and they just pour out of her thoughts. Be a writer whose mind is such a twisted place, crammed full of beauty, with darkness, the sun and a touch of madness.

How could you love a girl with a broken smile and a black heart. How could you say you love me when I'm crying on your collar bone. Why do you love me, when I have sad eyes and stories that dont end. You say it like your gasping for breath, that it took everything you had and shot it into thin air, waiting for me to grab your love and say it back. I promise you im trying to catch it, but my eyes have gotten blurry and my head has started to fell fuzzy. Somehow it fades, the tears have rolled down my checks falling on the curve of my nose as your hand glides along my face wiping away the pain. Then I say it, the words blurt out of my mouth like something in my mouth tasted like bile and i had to spit the words out. But I mean it, I love you. With my heart on my sleeve and my lungs unable to breathe. I love you with all the pain in my chest and the butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

Inside my body, its dark; almost black.

But everytime we kiss, I can feel the

colors of your mouth spilling inside

my dull black heart. Changing my

insides drop by drop, and when every

part of my insides are colorful again.

You will leave, just like all the others.

And my insides will be black, all over

again.

He is everywhere
The places I eat
The places I sleep
The cigarettes I smoke
The music that plays
The stars at night
The clouds in the sky
He is everywhere
But I can't see him

It feels like just yesterday i was

laughing and running through feilds of

wild flowers with friends.

But now im just in an empty room,

flipping through photographs of what

life used to be, it feels like it was just

yesterday, but sometimes it feels like

its been so long that my hairs gray and

my skin is so worn it should break

apart at any moment spilling my

insides all over this empty room, blood

droplets staining those past memory photographs.

I've lived so many lives
In the books that I've read
I am apart of their journey
And i take them with me
Every thought in my head
And words in my mouth
Are because I have died,
And i have lived
More life's than i could ever imagined
A book isn't just a story
Its everything
The creation of life itself
You fall in love with
Every page
Every chapter
Every sentence
And you carry them with you

No one tells you
How boys with pretty eyes
Who smell like smoke
Who taste like stars
Who talk like gold
Are the reason behind
Tear stained sheets
Broken dreams
And silent screams
They forgot to mention
How boys with sad smiles
Who smell like rain
Who taste like pain
Who talk like hope
Are the reason behind
Torn hearts
Sad eyes
And sleepless nights

I am far past my breaking point
Loving wasn't made for me
And life isn't what I thought it would be
Flowers die when I walk by
And trees loose their leaves
I am far past my breaking point
Mountains are a danger to my heart
Calling my name so I can step my foot off the ledge
Bridges are burning and I crave the jump into the ocean and let the water swallow my soul
Confinement seems like heaven so no one will share my sickness
Death is glimpse of hope through my grey colored eyes
I am far past my breaking point
Losing grip from my rope that has anchored me down for times on end
Crying is a constant and screaming in a definite
Cigarettes burns in my jeans and holes through my lungs is okay with me
I've come to love my darkness and be okay with my sadness
Because I am far past my breaking point

From the moment i met you
I knew that if i touched you
You would shatter me
To broken glass
And i didn't want to cut you
So i kept my distance
And ended up
Only cutting myself

What is it that you fear so much that you have to burry it away into the darkness of the unconscious?

Cigarette after cigarette,
Somehow i still can't get your taste
Out of my mouth
Nicotine should burn
But now its medicine
For your lingering name
Printed across my teeth
Now instead of your mouth pressed
Against mine
The only thing that touches my lips
Is this cigarette
Each exhale riding your face
From my burning lungs

My head rests on the root of the tree
Thoughts roaming through my head
Wind rushing through my ears
Clouds surrounding my pupils
Dirt slowly burying my body
Nature is calling me home
And I've been so lost
Every path just a wrong turn
With a dead end
I can't battle with life anymore
So I decide to give up the fight
And let the earth swallow me

I want to be the reason you can't sleep at night. Looking at the ceiling fan wondering why I came into your life. Watching the moon grow in size thinking about the way I walk towards you, the features in my face when I lean into kiss you. I want you to ponder in your thoughts about touching me in places no man can touch but you.

I asked him, "tell me your deepest secret."

"I don't have any secrets." He said

I told him that everyone has a secret or a lie bundled inside their chest.

He told me that no one has given me a reason to lie, or a secret to keep.

"Then I guess you must be perfect, because my soul is full of lies I've told. My heart is full of the secrets that have been left unspoken." I said.

"Can you tell me?"

I saw the moon
Peeking through the clouds
Trying to show the world
All of its beauty
The clouds covering
It's ever shining light
It is now coming close
To midnight
The moon watching me
Close my eyes
To drift to slumber
In the midnight blue
The darkness swarming
My celestial body
The planets are aligned
My head lost in the universe
Of all the stars
Gathering together in the galaxy

Its Christmas Eve,
My mom is screaming
My dad is loving
My family has come
Only to judge
They say we love you
But under their small breaths they whisper
"Because i have to"
They wont except our differences
My mom shouts
The alcohol a little to strong
She weeps
The tears fall on my shirt
Telling me Christmas is ruined
Shes drunk all the time now
Crying a little to loud,
A little too much.
She tells me shes sad,
The sadness consumes her body,
Maybe its spreading,
And i think im catching.
Christmas is ruined
Family means nothing
Being together just isn't important
Maybe life will end soon
And peace will return again.
Am i the problem?
Are you the solution?
Christmas is ruined.

Once comintment was on the table
He tried to push back his chair
And walk out the door
Before dinner was even served.

Connect with people you've never met, people you already know, and people you are destined to find

Protect yourself, your loved ones, and even a stranger walking down the street

Respect yourself, the people around you, and our earth we all call home.

This feeling is contagious
Spreading like wildfire
Burning everything in its way
Its not a sore nose, or a cough
Is a sickness deep in your heart
A constant aching pain
Like stubbing your toe
Its not a still beat,
Its just a loud throb
Aching for hands to hold
For arms to be carried in
And for eyes to linger at

Love is a scream into nothingness with hope strings like twine holding onto hearts full with lust.

Fallen into the crevices love is broken into tiny fragments breaking and shattering while people walk along its paths.

Hearts strug together with lust filling it's cracks and taking back the love we were given. Passion from love has left us barren filled with empty lungs and shaking hands.

Twisted lights
Dark orange glow
Street lamps
Glinted sparkles on the snow
Signs painted red
Starlight
Dancing in your head
Rain drops
Thunderstorms and lightening
Graffiti walls
Spray painted blue
Ocean colored sky
Clouds full of rain
Cigarette burns
And white filters
Black lungs
Dark souled hearts
Knife splits
And bandaged ribs
Blood stains
And rope
Handfuls of white colored pills
Blankets full of hope
Covered with dried tears
Of crying pain
Leaking from
Your eyes that constantly drain
One more pill swallowed down
Your throat
All that's left
Is twisted lights
Dark orange glow
Street lamps
And glinted sparking snow

These dark waters crowd the minds of soulless lovers buried deep in the ocean sea. Where love is breaking like ocean waves. Lovers stand in these dark waters, bringing knifes to there chests and dark waters turn red.