I can feel the words coming out of my mouth grasping towards freedom, but my mouth is open letting the words free and no sound will come out.
Its as if i am so afraid, i cant even voice my opinion. I cant even tell you how i feel. I am so terrified of the reaction i would recieve that i cant even talk to you. I might throw up, my hands are trembling with anticipation.
Then it happens, the words spew out of my mouth dropping like bombs and all i hear is a ringing noise from an explosion.
I cant even stand to look at you, knowing that when i do, your eyes will touch mine for a split second and shame me for what i have done. That dissapointed look will tear me to shreads.
I want you to know that i am sorry. But what's done is done, and nothing can be undone, you cant change life even of you wanted. You cant snap your fingers or wave a magic wand and everything be gone in the blink of an eye. So we should learn to deal with our mistakes.
Because our mistakes make us who we are, even if we dont realize that today, we will someday. They dont define us as a person, but they make us who we are because we learn from them, we change.
Thats all life is, full of mistakes.
Live with it,
Because i will live with mine.

Meet me at the river, so I can kiss my poetry into you're mouth. And whisper poems down you're neck to send shivers up your spine. Lay naked with me on rocks in moonlight so you can see just my naked silhouette. This way you make love to my darkness, so you can love me in daylight. I will kiss your fingertips one by one telling you all the things I've come to love. Just stare into my eyes until see yourself only smaller and upside down, tell me about it when it happens so we can giggle and I can fall in love with your laugh again. Hold my hand as we run and jump into the river in the dead of night just the two of us swimming and dancing under the stars surrounded by water. Gaze at the stars and point out all your favorite constellations and I'll show you mine. Meet me there, down by the river so I can give you me.

Soulful skies
Painful cries
All that surrounds me is your deep brown eyes

Skin to skin
Paper and pen
All i can do is kiss you again

Black hearts
Painted red
All the beautiful things scream in my head

Dandelions and roses
Pulled through your brown hair
All i can do is stare

Dont let go
Im deathly afraid to swim alone
All i want is to hold you close

Heavy breathing
Against my hearts rapid beating
All i need is your love to shelter me

Caring eyes
With promising lies
All i can see is clear blue skies

Sunsets and sunrise
We watch the sun as it dies
All i need is you and your soulful deep brown eyes

I love you very much and I appreciate you to your full potential and abilities. I will love you now, and tomorrow and I hope you let me love you forever. I am a lucky girl to be in love with you. I hope you know that. Whatever is happening with you right now, I hope to a god I don't believe in that it gets better for you, because I can't fix you. I wish I could but I can't. I just don't want you to leave this world without me, and it hurts me knowing that it doesn't affect you that way. But I get it, depression tears us apart and shows the world our scars and all our flaws. It shows them who we really are. Depression is a prison we are locked in and the key is in the hand of our enemies. But hope, hope will set you free, someday, maybe not today or tomorrow, next month or year. But one day, you will be able to look at the sky and smile, not because your forced to, but because you genuinely feel like smiling. That day will come, and you won't even realize it came. I'm in love with you for all the right reasons, and the wrong ones too. I'm in love with the thought of death too, it haunts my dreams as much as it haunts yours. But my being in love with you, anchors my feet to this earth, and I know I could never leave if i couldn't take you with me.

You make me ill
Like i cant feel

You make me sad
Like i did something bad

You make me break down
Like I'm beginning to drown

You make me want to sleep
Like i don't want my heart to beat

You make me feel lifeless
Like I'm heartless

You are depression.
And you control my life and the person i am.

At one moment, your depression is telling you that you don't care what happens. Then the next moment, your anxiety is screaming and clawing at you to do something. Having depression and anxiety is a constant war inside of yourself. Though, there are no winners.

I was 8
Mom and dad were always fighting
I'd run to my closet
And close the doors
I could still hear the yelling
I begged them to stop
A couple of times
But they tucked me in bed
As if everything was fine
Then one day
They sat me down
In my little pink chair
They sat together
But farther apart than normal
On my bed
Starring at me
Just a little girl
With pigtails in her hair
Looking back
At mommy
And daddy
Everything got quiet
And then dad spoke up
He said baby girl
Mommy and I
Can't live together anymore
You'll see me every other week
And I'll be moving out
You can have a new room
With new toys
And it will all be okay
I didn't cry
I didn't say
I hated them
I just sat there quietly
Mom started crying
Saying it wasn't my fault
Or my big brothers
That there just comes a time
When you aren't happy anymore
And dad walked out
Mom soon followed
Dad moved away
I saw him every other week
They still fight now
When I'm 17
I realized I was always the reason
For the yelling and screaming

I know thats my face
Those are my hands
They move when I move
Her eyes blink when I feel mine shut
I know that is my body, bird like and thin
That is my nose that hooks at the end
Those are my clothes I remember putting on before bed
My eyes are darkening and the walls are starting to cave in
Breathing is harder, worse than smoking a cigarette
My body is numb
I cant tell if this is reality
I hear my voice saying
Come back
Im escaping, leaving, running away from all the fears I am forced to face
I feel my knees grow weak
And my body sinks
To the floor and my cheeks grow wet
With makeup covered tears
I don't remember wanting to cry
Reality is no more
A dream is all I can see
With dandelions
And trees
With bare feet
And a cool breeze
The floor becomes softer and all I do is sink
Like a dead weight in the sea
An anchor tied around my ankles
Letting ocean water drown my sorrows
But this cant be true
Im standing in the bathroom
With wet cheeks
Trembling hands
And clothes I put on before bed

Its been eight months and three days since i last saw your face.

I've been dreaming about this day since then.

I felt something in the pit of my stomach, bubbling to the surface, similar to butterflies. Im not quite sure. It felt more like my organs decided to burst at that very moment. And my lungs caved in, as if somehow in that two seconds of blindly staring, I was brought out to sea.

And you walked right through the front door.

My expression was dull, and blank. But inside it was a hurricane, rain storming from my eyes, blood tsunamis flooding my insides, my thoughts twisted and turned until they formed tornados, my finger tips charged with electricity, my heart was thunder pounding harder with each beat until it was ready to explode.

But my face was slack, completely untouched.

You lifted your head, the way you sometimes do, as if to say hello.

I was completely numb.

Its been eight months and three days since i last saw your face.

Everything here looks dead, and dark
Theres no love filling the air, its just worn out faces
Everyone's pale like life itself has been taken from their bodies,
The trees look like bones,
No flowers grow here,
Only fields of gravestones
It reminds me of a rainy day, a sky with no color
Here, there is suffering sadness printed upon beautiful things
Who knew hell could be so black and white.

A love story isn't worth just a thousand words, or a single sentence. Its worth millions of memories and untold secrets.

A love story isn't just a story with a beginning and end. Its every sentence and word in between.

A love story isn't the first hello and the final goodbye. Its the time spent together and the moments that felt like they lasted forever.

A love story is the complicated moments, the ones that hit you and took your breath away. Its the ones that knocked you to your knees waiting for another word.

Thats all we can ever wish for in this world, just another word.

Im tired of writing how beautiful it all was, yea there were flowers growing in the pits of our stomachs. But those flowers are dead, liquor isn't water. Yea we had stars in our eyes, but the galaxies are gone, replaced by a black hole. We had wind in our hair and sun on our skin, but the sun has been gone for awhile now, and my skin is pale. The wind died and its just stale air. We had locks over our hearts but we both had a key, I threw my key into the ocean, watching in wash away in the waves just as our love did. It was beautiful, but beauty doesnt last forever, soon your hair will turn grey, your skin will wrinkle and the beauty fades away.

Her world is falling apart
While they are falling asleep
She's crying in her dreams
Her heart has broken
And she hasn't spoken
In months
They watch her walk around the street
Following her eyes down to her feet
Her lungs are black
From the cigarettes burning the back
Of her throat
She lights fires to everything she touches
Listening to everyone's soft hushes
Falling into the darkness in her heart
Her world is falling apart

Fall in love with the words dripping out of his mouth while his lips are pressed against yours and his hands are caressing your face. Fall in love with the way he walks and hangs around his friends, fall in love with his voice that speaks softly when he's whispering in your ear about how beautiful you look today. Fall in love with his fear of losing you, because your as scared as he is. Fall in love with the moments not the days, fall in love with the nights full of drunken laughter and all the smoke you share in your lungs. Fall in love with his hands and the way they can caress your body or smack your ***. Fall in love with his angels, but don't forget to love his demons.

As the air left my lungs, I new this was the end. As I laid there starring into the sky above my ceiling I knew that I was happy with the choices I've made and that life would go on for those who weren't me. I knew this day was coming, the water was drowning my lungs and as I was drowning I saw a light that was so white I thought I was going blind, but then I saw his face and I knew we were meeting again for the first last time.

I was born from the trees
My roots grow for miles
I am a child of the sun
And i live be the moon
My friends are flowers
And i blossom with colors
I will grow throughout my life
And i will die amung the trees
They will cut me down like i was dead,
They will harm my flower friends
They will destroy my roots
And take away my sun, my moon
But i will still be here,
My leaves flowing through the wind
I will plant my seeds and grow again.

I look at you and I can feel the hairs on my skin standing up from the electricity building between us,
I look at you and I can see the stars in your dark brown eyes.

I look at you and I can hear the song we listened to in the car on our first date stuck on replay,
I look at you and I can taste the saliva drowning my mouth waiting for you to touch me.

I look at you and I can see your chest rising and falling to the same beat as my heart, saying that we not two, but one.
I look at you and I can hear your smile, saying that I am forever yours, and you are forever mine.

"If I told you I was fine, would you believe me?"
No, he said in a hushed voice I could barely take as a whisper.
He told me that everyday when he asks if I'm okay he is waiting for me to tell him I'm doing great, He said that he knows I'm not fine because of the way I say it, "the sadness in your voice is so painful to hear, it could make my ears bleed and my heart stop beating."

Ghosts will follow us into the dark,
They will roam around in our hearts,
They will tell us beautiful words,
Then tear us apart.
They will try drown us,
But we know how to swim.
We shall not be put in shadows by our enemies,
We will rise from the darkness with our black shadows
And we will shine the light in their eyes,
We will burn them to the hell they came from.
Because we are not worthless.

You are so stupid
You are so selfish
You are worthless
You are hopeless
And these people are screaming at me
Watching every tear fall
Wishing they actually cared at all
All these people screaming
And they are all
Me.
I'm tearing myself apart
Every corner of my heart
I'm falling
While everyone is calling
My name begging me to stay
But God, oh god I just want to go away
This life is worthless for me
They won't even miss me
Maybe if I left a note
Just to tell them why
Tell them about all the tears I've cried
Now I'm finally saying goodbye.

I am greedy in my self-loathing
And euphoric in my bliss

I am a half empty half full
Glass of bad habits

I stand until my knees give out
Because it all hurts until it doesn’t

And then, it hurts some more

I have hands that shake
And eyes that wonder
I have a heart made of glass
That people often shatter

I have fingers that fiddle
And thoughts that swarm my mind
I have a head full of lies
And a record stuck on rewind

I have friends that laugh
And friends that cry
I have pain stabbing at my chest
With a long dull knife

I have blood dripping from my insides
Pouring from my soul
I have droplets on my sheets
And ink stains turning into a poem

I have dreams that turned to dust
That blew in the wind
I have dandelions growing from my lungs
And black rose petals are my sin

I have oxygen that is actually toxic
And hate that turned into joy
I have burns that feel like relief
And love that is seen as a decoy

I have hands that shake

Everything so blurry
Nothing is clear
All my words sound slurry
My heart is still broken
They cracked me open,
Just like a bottle of beer
Raising a cheer
To the ******* new year.

Maybe my head is rushing into things but I can't stop thinking about him. The way his eyes slowly lifted to mine when he knew I was admiring him. The way his lips curled into a smile and he has just one dimple on the side of his cheek. The way his hand felt tangled in mine was a feeling that could cure cancer. The way his arms felt wrapped around my body like a blanket felt around you by a fire. The way I felt his heart beat so fast was a moment I can't even fathom to put into words. Maybe my head is rushing into things, but I just can't help it. I wanted to stay, not because he was beautiful in every way, but because his eyes were this soothing color of brown that made you heart melt into the palm of his hand. Because I couldn't stand the thought of going home to lay in bed alone. Because I wanted to feel his presence for so long that it would die with me and follow me to my grave. Maybe my head is rushing into things but I can't stop thinking about him.

I ripped out my heart
And served it for you on a silver platter
You said, "dont worry baby, it wont shatter."
You put it on the top shelf of the wooden glass case
You told me it was the safest place.

What you failed to mention was that
You got angry,
And your vision got blurry.
You threw me against the glass
Making it crash
Against the hard wood floors
Each piece breaking and shattering

You pinned me against the wooden case holding my arms together tightly out of your reach,
Grabbing my shoulders, you slammed me again, easing your voice to a deep scream.
And as my still beating heart dropped to the floor
You picked it up with deft fingerings and starting picking away the pieces of shattered glass
Making your fingers bleed

You slid the glass against my skin causing small cuts where your hands should have been
Raising your fists in the air holding in your defending scream
You released me
As i caught air, i ran
For the door

And you pushed me making me squirm against the floor
Still grabbing the handle
Twisting and turning trying to escape
You picked up my heart
And threw it at my face

It was broken, torn up to shreds
And you left me.
Holding onto the handle, dead.

You held me as i cried
Telling me dont worry baby,
Its gonna be alright

As the tears strolled down my face
And my legs continued to shake
You laid your palm on my heart

Feeling its rapid beating
You kissed my lips
A soft taste of magic

With eyes full of hurt
You looked at me and said
Baby, I'm not going anywhere

And then I knew, you weren't the
Demon in my head
You were the soft lullaby my
Mother sang to me as a kid

You were the butterflies
In the wind
You are the flowers that never die

You are the sun that continues to shine

I thought you were the one who was going to stand by my side through our lifetime. I thought you'd always hold me late at night when the demons came. I thought you would laugh when I said something funny. Now we barely speak and your holding her at night instead of me. Your walking through life holding her hand instead of mine. How am I supposed to breathe now when your not breathing with me.

YOUR TAKING THE AIR FROM MY LUNGS
I CANT TALK
I CANT BREATHE
I AM SUFFOCATING
IN THIS DARK ******* ROOM
YOU CALL MY LIFE.
I AM WATCHING, I AM WAITING FOR THE PAIN TO GO AWAY.
SOMEONE BREAK ME FREE
I AM STUCK
I CANT MOVE
PLEASE, RELEASE ME FROM THIS HELL
SOMEONE REACH OUT TO ME
I AM ALONE
AND NO ONE IS LISTENING.
I AM SCREAMING
BUT NO SOUND WILL COME OUT
I AM BREAKING DOWN
I AM ON MY KNEES
BUT THERE IS NO GOD
THERE IS NO ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN DOWN HERE,
AND THEY DON'T GIVE A **** WHO YOU WERE
YOU BELONG TO THEM
AND THEY WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER.
NO ONE CAN SAVE ME
*BECAUSE ITS ALL IN MY HEAD.

I found love
Where it wasn't supposed to be
Right infront of me
And I can barely breathe
This ocean is drowning me
Taking my body down into the sea
I found heart ache
In a bottle full of ***
I can't feel my tounge
I never meant to make you bleed
I was just trying to burn myself instead
I found pain
Where it was supposed to be hidden
Our love was forever forbidden
Kept in secret places
In small empty spaces
As people watched with blank faces
I found love
In your darkest part
The smallest place in your heart

I have starred into the eyes of the unknown and there is no coming back.

I have met the voice of the devil and his sweet songs replay in my head.

I have seen the lies hidden in the bottomless pits of hell and the souls have swallowed me.

I have heard the cries of a thousand eyes and there will be no more tears left in me.

I have danced in the rain with the man in black and he has kept my soul.

I have walked with the woman who haunts me and she said that death will soon come.

I have slept with evil and darkness has consumed me.

"How could you do this?" She looked at him in disbelief. Tears forming in his eyes, he looked at her with love and said "darling, I love you but I have to set you free."

His words linger in my thoughts,
"I love you."
There on the tip of my tounge,
Trying to say it back
Maybe i feel it,
The butterflies when i look at you
All the breaths ****** away from my lungs when you say my name,
Maybe i love you,
But i cant say it back.
Now,
I think your going away.
Another leaving
Not even saying goodbye,
I think its easier that way,
This time i dont hear your last words,
So i cant have then replaying in my head
Over
And over
Love will set us free
Show us who we need to be
In the middle of the night
Birds circling in flight
It scares us to know the truth
Only to be let down by a lie.
His words lingering in my thoughts,
"I love you."

In every bottle
I swallow
Theres pain
Like a **** hurricane
In every cigarette
Theres regret
Every exhale
I feel pale
In every book i read
I feel like i should plead
On my knees
For the hurting to cease
In every look in the mirror
Theres terror
In every falling tear
Theres unimaginable fear
Im giving up
Because I've had enough.

I'm on my way to where I started
This lonely place I have found myself in
Has too many followers to a certain crowd
of society that only participlated people live in.
They surround themselves with what they call a feeling of being perfect.
We are not perfect people, no matter how hard we try to be. There will always be controversy over who's body shape is better than another's.
If life has taught me anything, is that we are all one being, one thought, all connected in nature. Falling in love with your spiritual being is one of the most important moments in ones life.
Accepting is something I as a person often struggle with. Accepting oneself is hard because people think they could read about it in a book or newspaper down at the local gas station. No accepting oneself is to be loving towards themselves by showing off all their beautiful features that people love about themselves. Being. Insecure is a normal thing that all of us go through but reaching acceptance is like another step towards ones path to enlightenment.
Expand the mind to its fullest capacity. Fill your brain with all the information in the world that you can read in the New York City library. Share a coffee with a complete stranger in a hole in the wall cafe down Main Street.  Tell them how you are on a journey to enlightenment and this is your stop along the way, meeting new people to truly find oneself. Taking notes of everyone you see with crazy colored hair like you. Tallying up the marks of girls you see walking in Central Park smoking American spirt cigarettes, cause you know you'd never quit.

He has this way about him, he flows like the river and sings like the ocean waves crashing into the sand on a winter morning at the beach
He laughs in colors that bloom flowers like it's always spring and he walks with such elegance that each step he takes is a new breath of life if he's walking in your direction. He speaks in sounds of church bells ringing in your ears with sweet songs of the universe. He was born from the cosmos shining like stars in a midnight sky. He puts the world to shame, when he says my name in the hushed silence of a nervous mess. He speaks softly but his words hold such power that you could believe anything coming out of his mouth.

I was born for leaving,
Not staying stationary for months at a time,
I need to keep going
Keep running
I need the air on my face telling me to go further
I need the rush of life that i get when i know im leaving everything behind.
Theres no turning back anymore
Its just a straight road whispering in my ear telling me that greater things are ahead of me but i have to keep pushing,
I dont know where im going
Or where im headed
But im almost there.

I need your love
Like I need the pills
My doctor prescribes me
I need all your kisses
Like I need the air in my lungs
I need your body
Like I need the heart in my chest
I need your mind
Like I need the feel of writing
To let my thoughts escape
I need your voice
Like I need the stars in the sky
And the sun and then moon
I need your eyes
Like I need you.

She was every star that lit up the night sky
She was the grass that grew over feilds of green
She was the moon that brightened the darkest hour
She was the rivers flowing over rocks like nothing touched them
She was the trees growing upon the forest
She was the ocean tides changing with time
She was the soul of a tiger with a heart full of fear and love
She was the love that filled the morning air

She will be in our hearts forever till death takes us over and brings us back to her.

I've always wondered what im afraid of exactly.
I know i have fears,
And that im constantly afraid.
But i want to be put in a room,
With my fears looking me straight in the face,
I want the racing heart
Shaky hands
Unstable breaths
Maybe im a little insane,
But aren't we all?

There's an old saying I like, "you don't know what you have until it's gone."
I didn't know I had the man of my dreams in the palm of my hand and I let him go, for a reason I don't care to admit. But a year later, somehow the universe is on my side, and he traveled his way back into my lonely life. Meeting me with deep brown eyes and a smile full of sadness I finally rested my lips upon his and the world grew silent. Fear of losing and fear of falling I walked slowly. He took my breath away with once glance in my direction,
I knew there was this deep intimate connection. It was love at first sight they might say, I would agree but love is uncertain unconditional unreal. I felt a pain of loss when I walked away from him the very first night, so I promised myself I'd never say goodbye. Because ****, I can't tear myself away.

Live the full life of the mind,
Fascinated by new thoughts
Your soul longs to find.
Intoxicated by the strange,
Find comfort in the unfamiliar
Get lost purposely in places that
No one knows your name.

He looked at me with eyes full of hope, waiting for something. A word, a sentence, anything.
He watched the way my hands were shaking and I saw his happiness slowly fade away. He could see the fear in my eyes, watching the way my chest was rising and falling like the ocean waves. I let out a sigh and said no. I think I could hear the buildings drop inside is chest. The volcanoes erupting in his head. And the earth blown to a million pieces before his feet. I saw the life fade away from his face.

Life
     Is
       All
          But
    A
              Lie

Death
          Is­
           Certain,
Inevitable
                      To happen

Living
          Is
            *Dying

We
    Are
        Born
              Only
To
                     ­ Die
                         Maybe
                                 Today,
Maybe
         *Tomorrow