and it slowly began to less be about being someone but being
Me.
because that's end goal for me.
i want to be Me,
always.
i wanted to paint and write and love,
just ******* love everything and everyone because that is
Me.
i am a physical embodiment of what love is.
i am creative and beautiful and no,
no, i'm not useless or disposable.
i am meant to be here.
i was made to love and be loved.
i was made to create and to be heard and to listen.
now,
it isn't about getting you to read between the lines of my words,
it's about sharing my peaceful pain and tears of joy.

i think i'm going to die soon.
dad, why am i waking up at four in the morning wanting to die?
is there something wrong with me?
for i'm taking the moonlight shining in my bedroom as a sign that i belong up there.
guilt, shame, and embarrassment filled my lungs and i breathed the breath you called me "strong" for.
i sure as hell don't feel strong.
i feel like the universe loosened the noose.
i think i'm going to die soon.
maybe physical,
maybe spiritual.
it felt my head was being banged up against walls made of steel as i tried to find my reason and worth again.
i feel like i won't be here anymore.

for the longest time, i believed i wasn't meant to be here. living without a reason, walking through these streets with feet that dragged like chains were attached to them.

things now are different. the sky may not always be clear but it'll always be there and i find comfort in that.

it's love. what's always brought me back was love. i was meant to love and to be loved. i am here to love immensely and although that's a simple meaning to my life, it's more than enough for me.

i think i just wanted my innocence back.

i can't get my first kiss back.
i've been touched and approached and pursued in ways i didn't want.

i just wanted my first times to Anything to be special.
i wanted my first, real lover to stroke my cheek with their hand and i wanted to kiss them for the first time under the stars,
i want butterflies and no doubt.
no doubt, no fear,
just butterflies.

i can't unfeel his hand on my leg.
i wanted the first person to touch me in Any way to be someone who i love, who i trust.
not a ball and chain, not a push and pull.

growing up in a shaking, rumbling home,
i've seen people come and go.
i've heard the cries through closed doors and the yelling on the lawn.
this was love.

i prayed when i was young that maybe i could get something different.

and they keep asking
"when? you say you need time but until when?"
time is all i can say now.
my hands shake and walking feels like a maze.
under the sea,
it's shining and bright,
and that's the most confusing part.
i just need time for something,
anything.
i need time to convince myself and pull an okay
version of myself out of my closet.
anything for you,
anything to make you feel like the friend you have
isn't lost,
i'm right here.
i wish i could tell you when.
as if my soul returning would be a deadline.
"i'll be back in time for your birthday,
i promise."

- moon

i spend my saturday with the curtains drawn,
covers over my head.
i pushed myself as deep into my mattress as i could,
in hopes that maybe i'd push myself deep enough to fall into another dimension.
one where i didn't cry as i stepped inside my house after the end of a day.
i wanted to sleep and wake up as someone else,
that's all i wanted.
for the first time in months, i've thought about taking my life.
planning to go for a walk and never come back.
i wanted to get lost and somehow disappear
and inside my head,
i was half way there.

i sat there as my world spun.
all i could do was breathe and somehow
the universe was telling me that was Enough.

why am i here?
people keep lying to me,
saying that this will all pass and before i know it i'll smile again.
i've tried everything to get better,
to be better.
but another year has passed and i wish it hasn't.

i wondered where your eyes went when you would look outside,
or when you, yourself, went when you touched a tree.
it's like you went somewhere else,
or where so grounded that you were that somewhere else.

i've outgrown myself many times over the past few years.
i've felt like a snake shedding it's skin,
revealing a new, hopefully better one.
the golden sky above me makes me feel like i have a chance,
like this New Me will last and all the hurt,
all the bad things will just be washed away.
but they aren't.
they follow me and hover over me,
telling me that i will always crawl back to there,
to that horrible and dark place.
i've never faced myself.
i see my inner self as a villain,
as the boss.
facing myself is something i have to do but i don't once what i'd do if i did.
would i finally accept that that isn't me anymore?
people tell me that my soul seems softer and kinder,
but i can't see it,
they can't see the darkness that follows my every footstep.

december first and i'm reminded in a few weeks,
it'll be three years since you left.
there's been a part of me missing since you've been gone that i've tried to replace with other things.
these things have been other people or substances that made me feel like you were still here and like i felt before it all happened.
but three years,
time has gone by so fast yet i know i'll have to wait more until
i see you again.

the blue morning sky reminded me of when i used to religiously listen to twenty one pilots.
how i'd stay awake in utter sadness and fright.
i never realized the sun came up until the lamp in my room wasn't the only thing providing me light anymore.
anathema would save my life over and over again.
i remember feeling sad as i was asleep,
i'd wake up crying just like how i fell asleep.
i missed everything and nothing at the same time.
i wanted everything to end.
i hated seeing the morning sun,
i hated that i gave myself another chance at life,
over and over again.
my room is so different now,
looking around.
the only thing that's the same is my headboard.

me, moon, a 13 year old young boy who ate happily and had eyes filled with love and dreams,
had stretch marks.
me, moon, knew they were there but started feeling ashamed when someone pointed them out.
me, moon, a almost 17 year old boy who now passes on dinner and lunch and breakfast.
i ate two rice cakes a day and feeling the lemon water i religiously drank make it's way down my throat, splashing around in my stomach made the corners of lips turn upwards.
me and food have never held hands.
we never closed our eyes at the delight of the smells of cake and food made by my mother.
for when i was hungry,
i remembered my mother telling me how thin i look and how pretty i looked.
i wanted that all the time.
so,
me, moon, doesn't give into food.

all i wanted was to fall into your arms but looked at me like i was crazy.
my feelings inside grew smaller and it was like i was flicked off the earth for feeling sad.
it wasn't okay, and i was "crazy" for feeling like this,
right?

i looked behind me and you weren't there anymore.
the only thing that was left for me to fall back on when things got too hard,
when my head was too much for me,
was my bedroom wall.
i spent my childhood sitting against it,
looking at my bleeding wrists and wishing that maybe,
just maybe,
if i looked behind me you'd be there.

that's all i wanted.
it was like god took my parents away when i turned 10,
all the love i was supposed to get,
the love that was supposed to hold me and mold me was gone.
how can a 10 year old teach himself all of this?

i'm 18 but still not grown enough for this.
i'm not grown enough to call the police when things are scary again.
i'm not grown enough to hold my head up high, holding the world down for my family.

i can't comfort everyone again.
i can't be the rock that you're expecting me to be right now.

that night, i couldn't stop shaking.
i could barely form words to reassure my sister that no, she doesn't need to worry, it's all okay,
it's going to be okay.

the shaking brought me back to the me i was when my parents made my life fall apart for the first time.
i heard from everyone that things like that make you grow up faster than other kids but it was times like these were,
somehow,
i'm still that small, scared, shaking kid.

18 now and 19 later this year,
i'm still a kid.
let me be a kid, a normal kid,
just once.

tears filled my eyes looking at nothing,
thinking of everything.
every cork that filled a hole in my heart slowly popped itself out and i literally felt the rush of sadness through my body,
filling my veins,
intoxicating my mind once again.
is this what i'm meant to be?
sometimes i feel like a punching bag for everyone and myself.
i will beat myself down slowly then all at once.
i am not a best friend,
i am an enemy to myself.
this is how it'll always be right?
i wanted to slice open my skin and feel numb again,
i wanted to take a handfull of sleeping pills to feel numb again.
i can hear my parents fighting again.
i can feel how i felt when my own friends told me they never loved me.
i can see my older sister fighting my mother over everything again.
it all came back to me in what felt like a split of a second.
i was 12 again and as sad as i ever was.
i was 12 again,
sitting on my bedroom floor,
wishing that i would gather the courage through my sobs to finally end it.

and i should have.
i'm not meant to be here.

i wanted to go to school and listen to my third grade teacher read to us again,
how the stories she read made the corners of my lips turned upwards.
she read about a porcelain bunny rabbit doll, trying to find his way back.
the simplicity and heartbreak molded me.
i wanted to pass out valentine cards to my classmates again.
i remember putting an extra heart sticker on my crush's card,
hands extended out to him with my eyes plastered on the floor,
he gave me child stomach butterflies.
but most of all,
i wanted to go home.
i wanted to lay on our old couches and watch cartoons with my sisters.
i wanted to eat baked potatoes with my family at dinner time.
i wanted my dad to help me with my math homework.
i wanted to go to sleep happy and peacefully,
back when I didn't know what hurt and pain was.
i want to go home.

every night i died i saw a new flower in my backyard.
my mind is wired to think that i am no one.
and it's true.
this world is too big,
too big to be living the way i am.
one day i'll be a star in the sky and i'll help make the flowers bloom and i'll sweep away the sadness from your eyes.
every night i saw the colors change from black,
to blue,
to whatever he paints the sky that morning.
the heavy feeling in my eyelids was another reason to stay in bed longer.
i lost myself in the sheets,
trying to run away from myself,
trying harder and harder to wake up as someone else or something else.

i've always wanted to. like ever since i was young. i've loved writing and writing about what i've been through, my opinions on things, my morals, just everything. i've even written short fiction stories, which i have deleted but i still did that. as i've grown and gotten older, i've found a love and passion for writing.

so yes, i want to write a book. i understand that i'm still young but i'm not letting that stop me. it's something i truly want to do. and i've (in my opinion) improved in my poetry compared to when i first started. and idk, it's been a long time since i've had my mind set on something 100% so this feels nice.

maybe i could even pursue in writing/poetry? please, if you want, give me feedback on poetry/writings i've put out so far on here.

thank you for reading my words. i know i only have a few people reading them but i'm very grateful, thank you.

i did it.
weeks of staying up and crying out of frustration,
taking classes online,
learning myself.
it all paid off.
for you.
i hope you're proud of me.

this is for you.

i woke up again.
this morning filling my glass with anxiety.
my limps swung, hung over me, and held me down.
i felt my heart turn into an anchor,
why am i feeling so much pain when i was okay yesterday?
i was laughing yesterday,
i was smiling yesterday.
those silent moments with both myself and my friends,
wiped my smile away as my sadness sat with me and sunk into me,
caught up with me.
"you're not supposed to be happy."
i don't want to be like this forever.
i'm banging my fists on the walls of my mind and on my walls,
in frustration.
i woke up again,
wishing i didn't.

i just wanted to feel here again.
i don't want to doubt that people love me.
i can't feel anything but this growing need to float away like a balloon in the sky.
i don't want to feel here,
i don't want to feel at all.

i physically felt my heart beat faster when our eyes met.
your smile made my face feel like the sun and i had a feeling you could hear my heart confessing their love to you for the hundredth time.
writing feels different,
my fingers tingle,
and my mind can't make up words that describe what you do to me.
i know for you it's all for fun
but i can't ignore the way our hands slowly make their way to each other.

i got used to writing sad things.
i would post my short stories and cry writing and rereading them.
for years and years, i let the blood run down my arms,
reopening wounds that i covered and tried to forget for the sake of making something.
i used to believe that the sadness that was woven into my existence was All of me,
the only thing that made me Me.
but i was wrong.
the way your warmth came into my sight and the way your hands gently covered my scars and wounds and bruises,
my sadness wasn't me.
it was until i met you that i began to remember what happiness and love felt like.
i still flinched at an open hand but you were the only one who reassured me that your hands would never harm me or anyone.
your love was never questioned by the dark clouds in my head.
on my darkest days, i would remember your love and i would open my box of Us and remembered that there are people out there,
there are people out there who love without the pain that "needed" to be inflicted.
everyone would say that they'd die for the people they love.
but no, not me.
i would Live for the people i love.
i spend most of my life wanting to die because of others but no, not you.
i would and will Live for you.

i just wanted you to hold me.
i just wanted to be held,
always be held.
there was nothing more important or on my mind when i was in someone's arms.
my head resting on the gape of their neck,
or buried in their warm chest.
there was something special about slowing my rapid breathing and matching it with someone elses.

an old friend would tell me that even on my darkest days,
the look in my eyes showed that i still had even at least a small bit of fight left in me.
he would always tell me that but i never believed him,
for when i looked into the mirror,
dark, glossy eyes looked back at me,
eyes that were filled with no hope left,
no fight left.
until now.
i see it.
i see the fight he's talking about.
i see it when i force myself to get up in the morning,
i see it when i speak up and
i see it when i write.

you stares down at your hands as if they would bring her back.
i remember vividly how you broke into sobs as you drove us home.
you cut out every picture of her and you wanted to forget.
you used me to forget.
the yelling and the silence between us was torture.
the smaller i felt as you blamed me for her leaving,
for your bad day at work,
for us not having money for food,
for everything.
and i let you.
i let you break me down over and over again
because i knew you needed it.
i knew you needed to let out every emotion for you to see the sun again,
to see your purpose again.
you left me with scars that won't seem to close when i write and memories that i can't forget.

it won't be a long while until i see you
but i hope you can see me now,
i'm loving and growing.
i didn't know i could without you here,
i thought that since you were gone
that was it, but it's not.
i still feel you around and i still talk to you like before.
do you see me?
did you see me stay true to myself?
did you see do that?
do you see me live?
i'll be with you in years and years and years, don't worry!
it may seem long but we'll see each other again.
i can't wait to see you again.

i looked up at you from rock bottom,
a place where i've called home more times than i can count.
i see everyone hugged each other,
where are my hugs?
the harder i tried to be present the deeper this well got.

you wrote my name on the fogged up window of your car.
after this, everything was supposed to be okay.
sitting next to you, everything was supposed to be okay.
i was supposed to be okay and feel okay,
i wanted to fall into your arms like i did before.
but i couldn't,
i didn't want to anymore.

i couldn't look past the deceit, the lies, the cheating.
i looked at you and didn't see the you i fell in love with.
i held your hand and didn't feel the warmth that you once had.
it just wasn't the same,
you weren't the same,
i wasn't the same.

she ate pop rocks on her first date.
i remember her coming home,
telling me how they laughed at each other because of the popping sounds and how it felt on their tongue.
i'm younger than her but i remember thinking,
"you're so young, girl. you're in love, girl."

if i never saw you again, i think i would be okay.
i hate myself for missing your touch,
the warmth of your hands in mine felt like the world spun for us.
i hate myself for missing your words,
they made me feel like we were the only people in this universe.
you are everything and nothing at the same time.
i could get lost in your eyes and i remember asking if i could.

you made me feel bad for telling you you hurt my feelings.
a side i've never seen before was revealed and the anger your emerald eyes held made you see red and i was afraid.
i didn't back down.
i let you go and sometimes i worry if i made the right decision.
but i think if i never saw you again, i would be okay.

i danced all night to songs that made my heart feel young again.
seeing the sun go up as i cried tears of pure happiness.
i like being alone like this sometimes,
i can see myself alive when i'm alone like this.
hearing their voices sing,
hearing the instruments made my knees feel like jelly.
i danced all night,
heart filled with euphoria.

i'm trying.

i think holding it all in, compressing it with everything in me,
hoping one day that if i press hard enough, it'll just
disappear.
and i'm here,
as anxious as i come,
hoping for the best like i always do.

i'm trying my best.

i wrote and wrote and thought and thought.
eventually i felt the tip of my nose sting and tears welled up in the corners of my eyes.
today, i don't want to blink them away.
today, i don't care if people see me and stare, whispering to their disciples asking who i am.
today, i don't care anymore.
i can't move two steps without wanting to fall to my knees.
my throat closed up and i didn't feel okay anymore.
am i destined to be like this?
is this the chemical imbalance?
is this because my mom left again?
is this the forever aftermath of three years ago?
am i not meant to be happy?
am i not meant to be okay?
is this a sign from the universe,
from your god,
from my god,
that i am not supposed to be here?

strawberry milk and the smell of elementary lunchrooms is so innocent,
so happy.
i can still hear my friends voices and see us standing in line.
cold classrooms and science rooms that smelled like yeast and vinegar.
backpacks filled with notebooks and folders of work that seems way too easy now.
you wonder where it went from friendship bracelets and recess benches
to
divorced parents and homework that makes you stressed to the point where running your hairs through your hair in the shower only to see how much hair you're losing.
those sweet berried flavored milks seem so far away.
you can't even touch food anymore,
it's not a "safe" food.
where did you go wrong?

you look like an angel from a renaissance painting.
you are love personified.
it's hard to believe that we're here together,
on this earth,
alive at the same time.
looking at you makes me feel both grounded and out of this world.
i don't why i want to text you all the time,
telling you how even my cereal reminded me of you,
wondering if you'd like the same kind too,
or how i'll call you when i'm laughing at something and i want to share with you too.
sometimes i'll look at you while we're walking together and it'll feel like i'm floating.
everything fits with us.
i'm convinced that we're meant to be alive at the same time.
oh how i don't know how i got this far without your hand to hold.

dear moon,

oh dear, what have we got here?
don't cry.
i mean, it might feel nice to laugh about it now.
so delete it all,
the pictures and messages and screenshots.
delete it all if it makes you feel better.
switch to another account and pretend like nothing happened,
if it makes you better.
you keep telling yourself that you wish he would just say what he means,
look at what you're doing.
do what you want until you feel better,
you might forget for a little bit.
you might want to fly away into the storm,
you might succeed in doing so.
anything to make you forget for a little bit.
you still have his message though.
untouched,
unread,
you're going to have to respond sometimes.
so many excuses, run away for a little bit, make yourself forget by putting the silk cloth over your face, tell yourself that no, this isn't real, just for now.
but he's still there.
it all still happened.
stop trying to run away, moon.

i dream of being free.
of being a bird or finally,
just finally,
be the me who is free.

i dream of letting go and letting my shoulders drop.
of running, not caring of being out of breath.
of closing my eyes and letting my emotions be me.

a few bad experiences.
okay,
a lot of bad experiences.
and Okay,
they were really, really bad experiences.

all left me on my knees begging for something i didn't even realize i didn't need.
for years, i wanted to hide.
i wanted to close my heart to everyone that bat their eyelashes at me.
i was beyond of afraid.
i don't want a really, really bad experience again.

but,
now i realize i won't.
okay, maybe i will
but i know it won't hurt as much as it used to or it would if it was past me.
that isn't me anymore and every person is different.

so,
i will let them in.
my hands may shake and the butterflies in my stomach may be a warning for me to flee,
but i won't.

you've given me love and showed me what love was.
i don't regret a moment that i was with you,
whether that moment be happy or sad,
we were together and i'll never forget those moments.

but i'm giving you your heart back,
every piece that you've given me.
i wrapped it up tight and snug
and sailing it off to you.

there's a letter inside that says everything i can't put into words.
thank you for loving me
and thank you for letting me love you too.

i used to write about scars i can't see anymore,
i would tear open and salt wounds in hopes of a piece that i could but would never fully be proud of.
these pieces i wrote held me down and made my feet drag throughout these hallways and,
i'm not doing that anymore.
i'm starting to remember who i was at birth,
who i am when i'm in my happiest state and not even my demons can drag me back down to the hell i used to light.
i love,
and i smile.
i used to write so much about who i used to be that i started to miss it when i couldn't write anymore.
my mind lived at more than four years back,
i relived my darkest days over and over when i couldn't see the sun in the morning.
i'm not doing that anymore.
last year, i lost my best friend,
my favorite person in this entire world,
my sun and my moon and my stars,
i believed the earth spun for him and solely him and i still do.
losing him made me lose my hope.
and for that time,
there were more dark days.
there were fresh wounds and igloos made of tissues and blankets.
i will miss him forever but i will live in his honor.
i'm holding my head up high and i will love and admire the earth until i meet my Everything again.
i used to write about the bad days,
the cloudy days,
the days where i cried on my bedroom floor,
the days where i burst out in tears during a normal day in class because i just couldn't do This anymore.
i'm not doing that anymore.
i've learned and seen how beautiful this world can be.

earlier, my friend diana called me crying. she told me about how she had surgery when she was younger and how it was life threatening. diana told me about how she could've died. and i quote, "i missed my chance.".

hearing this brought me to tears. i don't know what i'd do if she wasn't here. of course i didn't know her when she had the surgery for we've only been friends for a little over two years but hearing that, "i missed my chance.", that ****** me up. i comforted her and we moved on from it. throughout the phone call, we changed topics and laughed and smiled with each other.

after the phone call, i was in thought. i don't know what i'd do without her. she's my platonic soulmate, she got me through what happened with j. she's here and i don't know what i'd do without her. then i realized,

i do have to keep living. for my friends and my family. i have to be here for them.

i also hope, somehow, i can change diana's mind and make her believe that this life is worth living. the only thing i want is for her to be happy and feel like life can be beautiful. i don't know how to do that though.

i knew this already but after our conversation i realized how much she means to me. i love her so much. she's so important to me. i value my friends a lot. i would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat, without hesitation.

i just want them to feel happy. i don't know, i had so much in mind to write about, i was thinking of what i'd write as i was doing the dishes but now that i'm here, i'm just blank.

what am i supposed to do?
what do you want me to do when all i can do is rearrange my room and paint your skies blue
not only to come home with stained hands,
reminding me that i can't make myself as happy as i make you.
what am i supposed to do then?
i've been fighting my demons and eating lunch with them,
i've been doing everything i'm supposed to do
but no matter how friendly they are,

i'll only have peace when i'm gone.
they'll leave when i'm gone.
they won't haunt the hallway leading to my room,
they won't sing songs that sound like nails on a chalkboard to keep me up at night anymore.
what do you want me to do when it's obvious that i'm not wanted here?

i feel like how my father felt every time he came from running away from his mistakes and his garbage,
unwanted,
uneasy,
out of place,
wrong.

so what am i supposed to do?
will arranging flowers and setting up the dining table erase these thoughts?
will painting the house and writing structured words make them think that i am stronger than them?

what do you want me to do?

three pairs of eyes on me when i was asked the questions,
"are you going to college?
what are you going to do with your life?'
back to back,
and as if they mattered,
as if those question really mattered.
i shifted in my seat and pulled down my sleeves.
i felt my face heat up and my hands wrapped themselves around my waist.

i just want to be free.
i just want to be me.
i want to wake up in the morning and not feel like my life will be a routine.
i want to help people and give back everything that the universe has given me.
i want to help myself and do the things i love.

i want to read my tarot cards,
i want to take care of the animals in my animal sanctuary,
i want to pick fruits and vegetables from my farm,
i want to write books,
i want to write for magazines and newspapers,
i want to paint,
i want to take pictures of everything beautiful,
i want to film everyday life,
i want to live.

it was so weird.
i didn't doubt anything yet i expecting you to ask for my clothes,
you didn't.
i felt like a teenager dating another teenager.
two boys enjoying each other's company,
liking each other for our own self.
not because you twitched in your pants when i sat a certain way or dressed a certain way.
but just us.
teenagers, finally.

just another one of Those writings, not a poem.

it always happens. i don't know what it is but, i hide myself over and over again. (i forgot the word for shutting yourself out) but i do that to myself, without even noticing. one day i'm talking to my friends, and being okay. and by the next day, i'm alone. i haven't talked to them in a while, maybe one word replies about things we don't really care about. we're just making conversation because we're friends, right?

so now, right now, i feel alone. it's hitting me again that i did that Thing. sometimes my friends and i just send each other posts on social media  about funny things and i've been trying to find posts that i could send them so i could feel close to them again. but i can't find anything. there came a point, where i just stopped trying to find something.

i miss my friends and i feel alone but i know i do it to myself. i don't know how to fix this.

even though we aren't in each others lives anymore,
i will forever love you.
years after our departure,
i spent regretting and contemplating going back to you.
but i'm happy i didn't.
i'm happy that i let you go.
i remember feeling like a balloon floating into the sky on that day.
whenever i see plants at the store, i'll feel the corners of my lips twitch,
knowing and still remembering how much you loved them.
there are still times and i think there will always be times where i'll want to go back to you,
where i want you to hold me and tell me that it'll be okay.
but that can't happen.
too much has happened and we've out grown each other.
because that's what it was,
we outgrew each other.

i sat here thinking,
i thought about how i was beat with words and fists my entire life,
i thought about everything they used to tell me
"you're worthless.
i don't love you.
no one loves you.
you're the reason why you're alone.
you're ugly.
you're fat.
you're a burden.
disappointment.
unlovable."
i remember the bruises, the scratches, the broken heart that i used to believe was broken forever.
it's not.
how am i still here?
how do i still love?
how do i still forgive?
how do i smile?

i find love in everything,
i still find love and find things to love about myself.
i am love,
i am worthy.
they are wrong, they always were.
i am here,
i am staying.

i am love.
i am okay.
i am love, love, and love.