you can't freeze a fire
but you can melt the ice

here it goes again
another few months
of listening to these stupid ******* sad songs
that remind me of you screaming with me
and the lyrics are ******* killing me
im crying im crying im crying again
i've been here before because
whenever I lose you all that matters
is you
because i swear on everything
i will never love
i will NEVER love unless
i love you

she smells like
smoke
3 day unwashed hair
sitting still for hours
melting clock ticks
lighter fuel and dry hands
blood shot eyes
stuck to a screen
a scratchy throat that mutters
but can't speak a word
you'd think she tastes sour
but she's actually quite sweet

im growing into butterfly wings
that you've shaped with scissors
and dew drops that fall from your waterline
that looks like where the ocean meets the sky
you're a horizon of time zones that always pass by

it's like the sun is afraid of me
and the crickets are my friends
ive brought them here
so you can hear my favorite instrument
it's soft, and sweet
but dark and cold
i promise with them, you can never be alone

the oceans are too wide
for my shaky, achy bones
but i would swim until the days grew thin
to feel your warmth and light,
my sunshine

I can see the words you write
hop off the tip of your tounge in
tired melodies
springing from an empty boy
but god, does he fill the world
you fly between my temples and
tip toe down my spine
walking forever
you'll find,
won't take you anywhere but away
but maybe that's
just fine

getting on a scale
used to be like payday
but if I did good,
the numbers went down.
If I did bad,
well thats another story
something is missing
and it's not my symptoms
a sense of satisfaction,
ripped from my hands
slipping through my fingers
like fine grain sand.
I no longer look to scales
or numbers when judging
my self-worth
but something is still missing
and i'm starting to notice myself asking
"where did you go"

i crave something different
this time around
i'm not searching for answers
or creating the questions
my shell has eroded
plain to see
leaving a pale-skinned lamb
to bake in the sun
whether its 8 in the morning
or a quarter to 2
the mornings are vacant
without you
while i might be hiding
my craving for touch
at least i'm not hiding
a closeted lust for everyone
who shows you fabricated trust

words and whispers
are just the same
im numb again
like the number
on the scale
that rises and falls periodically
i will never be enough

I am hungry
and no longer safe
the feeling lingers
in the stomach
the habit is in the heart
wanting more than anything
just to be loved
the inhale and exhale
is never enough
i'm holding my breath
i'm simply selfishness
hollow-rib-cage-rattling
desire

i wonder if you're hungry
for what I crave
dangerous love that feels out of place

you spent your whole life
wishing you were a butterfly
when you're simply a caterpillar
who has a lot of growing up to do

a walking poem,
that's what you are
complete with your eyes
that form sentences
beneath my skin
your words crawl through my spine
and lie on my wrist
i think you're forgetting
i'm good at this.
i can see your metaphors
when your bones stay still
and i can feel your similes,
as deep as the ocean
all i've got to do is swim
the water's never clear
and it's never very warm
but i'd swim across the sea
just so we could be free
if words are your vice
then write me an ending
our love was **always worth defending

im numb to the way
my heart spins around
you
i forgot the feeling of butterflies
and the heaviness inside your eyes
an eager glance into your heart
is just enough for me to fall apart
and this isn't right
this filthy life
where ghosts hide
their wasted lives
you're what makes me feel alive

how do you bury sunshine
and keep it in a crowded box
it's just a shell
but it's enough for the wind to blow
and the cold rain to fall
a reminder,
as if we needed one,
that even sunshine dies,
after all

I know you half expect me to smile
when you tell me to
and you think that it doesn't burn
to rub away your beating breaths
when i'm constantly wrapped up
in off-white polyester
weathering alone between the sheets
you'll probably forget the shape of my mind
when you tried relentlessly to mold it into
something you could hold
i promise you're no monster
but you're not from this world
you're out of place,
this town always had a bitter taste
for you

you probably don't care
but someone does
you probably never asked
but then again,
no one did.

I get a kick out of the inhale
the exhale even more so
my pockets never overflow
i'm a victim of the system
if you say so
load me up with pills
until my pupils turn to dust
you can't see it, but I can feel it
as far as you're concerned,
a filthy lucre is all you need
to watch me fall into
an inhale and an exhale of a hollow life
where both sadness and happiness
come in the form of indifference
because if you're telling the truth,
the pills aren't doing their job

it's no surprise
that my once tiny waist
filled up too much empty space
and air to breathe
would scarcely be
enough for me
to fall asleep
but now that it's over
I guess i'm never really sober
you told me wasted space
can never be replaced
I guess i proved you wrong

i'm following a script of what to do
what to say, how to think, how to not think
because you tell me to
but i'm burning pages and setting fire
to all that I had felt before

but see
my lips are a little chapped
and my eyes are bloodshot
my mouth is a little dry
and there's blood running down my nose
i'm flipping pages
i can barely breathe

like always
the ink is bleeding
literally bleeding red
and scribbles turn into cuts
i open my eyes
but all i can see
are crushed up pills
in the Rx bottle I used to be

words
it was all words
because you repeat them
over and over and over again
but not to me

I hope you meant it to someone.

Before
I** leave
Please know I
Only
Loved you when I
Absolutely knew
Reality was long gone

Don't believe
In much
Since you left
Or how to cry
Really it's just too
Difficult to
Even
Recognize your face

you tell me to jump
and call me stupid for hitting the ground
you tell me to swim
then push my head under the water
because the bubbles hide the screams
you tell me to speak
while you choke me breathless
you call me crazy because words don't come out
and i'm ugly as my skin turns purple
you tell me i'm pathetic
for "forgetting" how to breathe
and you can call me crazy for pretending it's okay
that the blood running from my nose
is simply stage makeup
and you're merely acting
but there are no curtains
and there's no one watching
cut my throat, slam the door
cry a little, come back for more
i'm not dead yet, but i am weak
and i'm just watching my skin
slip off my fragile, achy bones
*i was never crazy

what happens when it finally happens?
and days after
you're thinking "what could I have done?"
you could've come to me
asked me how I am
asked me how the rain falls
but I know you couldn't give a ****
so when the rain is falling
and you think of me
know that you've done nothing
and let that sink in
let the raindrops be a reminder
that i'm no longer real
just a dreary drop of water
falling from the sky
look up and watch the clouds roll on
and stop wondering why

**** you
you're a pawn
knocking down porcelain pieces
like you're a king
how dare you dance circles
around vulnerable hearts
let her go, let her breathe
i'm a selfish broken heart
but you're an ocean of heavy waves
i'm just merely drowning in you

i look up from the chess board
you sit opposite me, nervously
*check mate

ive come to terms with the fact
that a brilliant boy
can hide behind a nearly lifeless body
determined by white powdered bars
and a beautiful girl
can cloak her sadness
in an exhale of smoke and a few tabs

i do believe
it's hard to hide
when a black cloud
hangs over
his shiny blue eyes

and i do believe
she hears me
from underneath those cries
get out of there sweetheart,
it's like you're sun-bathing
inside a burning building

don't stop to smell the flowers
they're already dead

i'm a dizzy dreamer
with lightning bug eyes
floating around in dense air, bringing
foggy glasses and dewy lips
you tell me to pick my poison--
so my eyes fall onto where my heart is set
the corner of the room, a vile of red and pink
cyanide filled to the brim
laced with an exceptional dose of formaldehyde
I wonder if you tell her to pick
I wonder what she chooses
will it be the knife
does she take your gun
or will she drink your sins mixed into ***
you dug me a grave then pushed me in  
then wandered off with the shovel in hand
it doesn't matter how far I melt into the ground anymore

you're a liar
and i'm a malignant juror
how are you turning my shame
into a hungry beggar
nibbling at my heart
a decomposing mess of raindrops
in a sad, sad city i'll never forget

i refuse to let this bother me

waves of pain
crash against my skull
with each collision shaking my insides
and every thundering bolt
pushing me closer and closer
to grabbing the forty-five
in a desperate attempt to stop
my head from shaking and screaming
to be set free
breathe in, breathe out
to a cold barrel against my temple
pull the trigger, count to three
we were "so nearly free."

and in that instant, you were gone
like a puff of milk white smoke
crashing against a wall of wind
i can smoke until my lungs turn grey
i still won't be able to smoke you away
but just when i get used to the thought
that you are going to stay
just like a puff of milk white smoke
whistling through my teeth.

i knew you wouldn't stay for long
and in that instant, you were gone

you are an ocean
i'm simply swimming
through waves of
"i miss you"
and
"where did you go?"
a heartbeat mutters
if it can't be heard
hopefully someone
is swimming, too
finding ways to drown
in your calming eyes

darling, i love to swim
but not if you drown me

blood stained fingernails
hollow eyed
intestine pasta
with a beating heart side
you don't need it
but i need it
a swig of ipecac
to polish off your favorite shade of wine
a kick of copper and regret

but i am eating
her stomach grew smaller
she drowned a little deeper
a nasty lie beneath gritted teeth

come back darling,
dinner is served

i don't feel like crying
and pitying my poor, poor soul
now i'm screaming ****** ******
begging you to come home
and make everything okay
little did you know
that everyone's world would fall apart
when you made the decision
to swing in the sunlight
and take away ours
with tears in my eyes
i'm praying to a god in the sky
pray for me, take care of you
thought I was crazy then?
well wait until they see me now

people and things are
sometimes
not what they seem

remember when you told me
you'd never fall apart?
now you're just a fish out of water
flopping around to the pretty sound
of no one there to save you

your word is your bond
our bond is blood
leaves on a tree
like birds of a feather
you promised me you'd be here forever

come crying back to your little girl
tell me everything you're sorry for
how you never meant to hurt me
you're a half-baked conundrum
and I am too
if this is all we have, then
I guess we're left to reconcile
and settle the waves

i'm exhausted
of Rx bottles and diagnostics
of appointments and waiting rooms
confusions and delusions
of crying on the bathroom tile
and losing track of time
inhaling and exhaling just to stay alive

life's a crowded room if you ask me.

we are oceans apart
and i won't let you in
i'm gonna make you swim

there's no way out of these weary eyes
and crystal bones
just outside the hospital
the cab is waiting
to take you home to me

your pride is just too big
to fit inside my skin these days
to me, you're just
shriveled on a the concrete
a waste of space
just another side walk to clean

Beginning
In a craving
Never reaching the
Goal, never making it to the
E**nd

"take a breath and let the rest come easy,"

you think i don't know how you're so **** greedy
taking all I've got because you're just so needy
and this is hard
because i love you so deeply
but all things aside
why wouldn't you leave me?

i undress my words and dissect my thoughts
we all know this building is just made from blocks
so play me like a game of jenga
pick me apart and polish my pieces
find out their stories and all of their reasons

plant me like a seed,
we could grow with the trees
we'll finally find a way
to live our lives freely

"take a breath and let the rest come easy."

It was fun, playing with diamonds.
Nice to look at, too.
But at the end of the day
my hands are cut up and burning
from salty tears and disappointment
at the end of the day
I needed a rock.

it will always be you and me
with tear stains and coffee breath
and pale blue eyes
always another reason to stay
when all your love has gone away
and i miss the way we felt alive
like butterfly kisses and adrenaline highs
we tried, we tried

i miss the way we felt alive.

they caught me
lying in the corner cradling my body
crying for help and praying for a god that didn't exist
they caught me with my chest split open
a still picture of my beating heart
vulnerable and gasping for human touch
finding love in places it doesn't belong
to feed my constant loneliness
with constant attention and fake affection
they caught me
with makeup stains on the pillow
at 3 in the morning
with gritted teeth and puffy eyes
that lay empty on my face just begging for relief

they told me they could save me
and take away my fear
they told me that there's a place
where I could disappear
they brought me to a rabbit hole
hidden deep inside my mind
that led me to a wonderland that was only mine

*I could stay here forever.

Some people will ask, "why smoke ****?"
In the world of drugs and a sea of speed
they'll say "the acid and ecstasy are all we need."
But there's something so pure
about burning a plant and inhaling life
I'm not looking for a party
and that's the thing about smoking
it will put you in a good place
where you could rest your tired head
from the travesty of reality
and a positive mentality
i'm myself here.

you are only a dream
resting on top of wonderland
dancing with the waves
and salty kisses floating
in a sea of people

make my body a piece of your art
so you can put me on display
as one of your prized pieces
write me a song that syncs with
my heartbeats and connects
me to yours

you wrap your fingers around my heart
and shake me until i'm awake
you are only a dream

i want to be with you.
i want to spend my mornings staring into your eyes
i want our bodies to make sparks just like we used to
i want to listen to your laugh and see you smile
i want to fall asleep to the sound of your voice
and your soft kisses at the nape of my neck
i want to listen to your favorite songs
dance like idiots and smoke underneath a blanket
i want to grow old with you
and see you change into the man
i always knew you were
more than anything,
i want you to be happy
i want you to live
i want you here
you're my sweet sweet sunshine.

numb
my heart beats ring in my ears
with each beat proving that something's wrong
and i can't feel my bones
or my key strokes

my words don't roll off my tongue
i don't sound human anymore
i'm feeling my feet lift off the ground
i'm screaming your name
but it's a muffled cry, 1,000 miles of soaked eyes
and dried up tears on my cheekbones

my heart beats are sporadic
beating with my flickering eyelids
my footsteps are heavy  
and i don't have you
to lighten my cloudy vision