chris: Favorites

Sep 2018 chris

anon

as a young girl
I told my mother
I would never get married
and I stuck by that
for years

I got a boyfriend
but I knew
I was never
going to
actually
marry him

but as time goes on
and I get older
and people around me
are getting married
and starting lives
I keep listening to love songs
and noticing
what I want
in a husband

and I am not one
to settle
or settle down
but I made a
google doc
devoted to songs
I want played at my wedding
even though
I've never wanted
a wedding

my loneliness keeps creeping
in
watching me
but
I've finally
succumbed to it
and I want
to make it go away

and for the first time
in my ever expanding
life
I want to stop being alone
and can't stop pondering
childlike
dream wedding
fantasies

****

#wedding #love #settling #lovepoem #poem #sad #lonely #marriage #husband #alone

Sep 2018 chris

forget me (not)

Sep 2018 chris

halle

forget me (not)

i've been drained of any and all emotions

i hope you have the good fortune
of making new friends wherever you
go after this place.

i hope your heart is always filled
with love
instead of empty, aching pain.

i hope you meet someone sweet
who laughs at all your jokes.
these upon these
are my sincerest hopes.

i hope they captivate your thoughts
and cause you to forget all about me.
i hope you can move on

because i know i won't be as lucky.

Sep 2018 chris

stars vanish in the night & you're a star

Sep 2018 chris

pri

stars vanish in the night & you're a star

we are like stars, like dying embers,
clusters of us and only one
explodes.

my dreams have turned me into desire,
and i wonder where my desire will take me,
i wonder what my desire will make me.

will i be like star, or ember,
or will i be like the fireworks at night,
the ones no one notices until they explode.

that boom sounds like my heartbeat
-it’s still looking for a beat.
hasn’t found one yet.

hasn’t found one yet,
but it seems to beat for you.

darling, you know i love the stars.
at night, they light up the sky,
they’re brilliant and i can’t not love them.

you’re a star of mine,
brilliant,
but do you fade?

in the morning, will you still seem
bright,
or beautiful?

are you even there?

i’m scared you only glow at night,
and that my eyes will lose you,
and my heart will just beat somewhere else.

will you stay in the morning,
or will you be gone
like the fireworks last night?

#firework #night #star #ember #darling #dying #morning #crush #girl #beautiful

Sep 2018 chris

summer nights

Sep 2018 chris

pri

summer nights

summer nights are best spent with you.
greedily scarfing down ice cream,
watching our feet touch the sky from old playground swings.

and the ones in your mom’s car
-the soft music, the hard music
singing to melodies that we’ll never know.

each night, we feel each’s wishes.
i, i want to give you fairs, and cotton candy,
and hold your hand as we walk along the sidewalk.

i want to twirl you around,
because though we’re very summer friends
i want to keep you forever.

our feet scrape the gravel,
toes tap the sidewalk,
noses breathe in the air.

distinctly, i remember something
-us in a concert,
our shoulders brushing as we danced.

i remember laughing with you in the water,
because i hated being short,
so naturally i had to climb you.

i remember every year
we laugh away these nights,
until they become memories.

they, were, definitely,
polaroid worthy.
you’d give a blank look.

and then spring would come again,
and we’d be sitting in your mom’s car,
watching the sunset again.

remember this?

for my friends (keekya)

#friendship #summer #night #polaroid #concert #friend #friends #music #playground

Sep 2018 chris

she fades away

Sep 2018 chris

pri

she fades away

it’s getting cold.
her work begins to pile up on her desk,
paper cascading around her off the table,
sitting ignored as she thumbs through a book,
humming softly.

and she feels ever colder,
because though she knows the sun will touch her face one last time,
she feels the impending sense of everything changing.
her freedom, her sleep, and all those books
-piling up around her in dizzying towers she can’t seem to hold upright.

each poem has become an ode.
no longer does she right those summer love poems,
notes of dreams and pining and romance.
she’s grown lonely,
and grown up.

each ode is to who she was
-the kind girl with the widest eyes and strong opinions,
this new girl with no focus,
drifts and watches the ink run down the page.
she’s so worried, because she doesn’t care.
and doesn’t care about that.

tomorrow will be better,
she says, sighing with tiredness repeating over and over again.
tomorrow.
tomorrow.
tomorrow.

but the pounding in her head won’t go away,
and all the doubts sink in
-you’ve lost your edge.
-you’re not doing enough.
-you’re never going to do enough unless you break.

her heart seems to beat colder,
slow down and she’s not that old.
she’s young, and she feels herself,
the brightness and ambition disappearing,
and they’re replaced by content and a sense of emptiness.

i was feeling depressed yesterday. luckily i'm feeling better today!

#content #empty #illness #headache #fade #tired #tomorrow #ode #doubt #cold

Sep 2018 chris

Addict

Sep 2018 chris

Daisy Rae

Addict

I haven’t always been an addict
I remember a time when I judged those who clung to bad habits like their life depended on it
I used to think why can’t they just stop?
I used to wonder why people would risk their lives just to feed that desire
If my 14 year old self knew me now she’d be ashamed
I wish I could go back and tell her that those friends are going to get you addicted
They’ll introduce you to things that you’ve always wanted to try
And eventually they’ll become things you can’t turn down
She probably wouldn’t believe me, she’s always been naive and stubborn
I wish I could tell her that drinking only makes you forget for a little while
And that blurriness you feel only lets you escape for one night
And when you wake up the next morning the only thing you’ll look forward to is getting drunk again
you’re wrong she would say
I wish I could tell her that blunt won’t fix the loneliness in your heart
And that good feeling you feel right now is only temporary
And you’ll find yourself craving that again when your high is gone
You’ll blow your money that mom gave you on grams instead of what you told her it was for
you’re wrong she would say
I wish I slap that cigarette out of her mouth and tell her how addictive and deadly it is
And how mom would be so disappointed in her if she knew
And how stupid she was for allowing herself to succumb to all these things
It’s not that bad she would say
I wish I could tell her about the time she drank so much that she passed out in a strangers home and didn’t know where she was the next day
I wish I could tell her that she almost ran into a ditch and died because she was high while driving
I wish I could tell her how she couldn’t go a day without smoking at least 3 cigarettes and mom found out about it
you were right she would say when it was too late
Hooked on *****, drugs, and cigarettes
Crying alone in her room at 1 am, knowing that she couldn’t keep doing this
But not knowing how to stop
I wish I could tell her not to judge those people stuck on bad habits
Because one day that will be you too
And you still haven’t fully recovered
I can’t just stop she would say
And she still says to this day.

If I only could have warned my younger self

#addict #alcohol #drugs #cigarettes #young #teen #awareness

Sep 2018 chris

Stormy Angel

Sep 2018 chris

Brianna Love -aka Stormy Angel

Stormy Angel

She can walk
          between
             night and day
               never letting either
                  get in her way.
She learned this trick
                     many moons ago
                                by
                     going deep within
           and never letting it show.
Her soul is innocent
her heart is pure
she’s gone through more
than most could endure.
            She’s an angel of light
                 an angel of dark
                 you never know
              what you will spark.
                      You want to hurt her?
                         Please, go ahead and try
                           she’ll be the one to show you
                                  just how well she can
                                                              f
                                                                l
                                                                  y.
                                  Her soul innocent
                    her heart pure
      but never think for one minute
that she’s not secure.
                                Say what you will
                          please, do what you must
                       but your jealousy and hatred
                             won’t waver her trust!
~

Even Those Angels Out There Have Their Limits…..

Sep 2018 chris

high tides

Sep 2018 chris

witchy woman

high tides

even with oceans between us,

       I’ll swim against the tide
            to lie
               against
                 your heartbeat

once again.

#love #stuff #hope #baby

Aug 2018 chris

I've Been Contemplating Suicide

Aug 2018 chris

Neo

I've Been Contemplating Suicide

The other night
I spent all of my tears & paid all my prayers,
I had hoped it would end it all.

My pillows
cashed in the huge streaming check
from every drop my eyes spilled.
My blanket held me down
while both thought took turns
throwing hard punches & kicks
at every square-inch on my body.

Then
my bones crunched
with every attempt
to fully drain the hope-
-ful air in my lungs.
I could only lay there.
Twitching out breathless cries,
rubbing blood out of my eyes
& taking it all in for the whole night.

The following day
I brought these thugs to work
but no one else seemed to notice.
My doctor tried to numb me with pills,
& I must admit
although they did work at giving it all the cold shoulder,
it didn't take long
before I struggled to use my shoulder
With their knives & spears steaked into my skin.

Every night now, I sleep to their stories
& their bullying,
eyes-wide,
cut-throat,
focused on breathing all night.
I thought I could fake my way through it all
but now
these noices have started making sense
& I
don't know why I'm breathing anymore.

#mentalhealth #suicide #carnivorouscarnal #cannibalisticconscious #hope

Aug 2018 chris

when someone sees

Aug 2018 chris

nooneknoes

when someone sees

when someone sees your scars or cuts, do they really see?
do they see the metal pain, or do they see the physical pain?

when someone sees your blade do they see the metal that scars your skin, or do they see the words that scar your skin?

when someone sees your tears do they see your sadness, or do they see the demons running around your head causing pain where they step?

when someone sees your progress do they see you using coping skills and no cuts on your wrists, or do they see the feelings you fake and the cuts on your thighs instead?