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Jan 2018 · 261
Grieving
Shirley J Davis Jan 2018
Did my voice haunt your memory?
Did you see my face at every turn?
When you held her, did you call my name?

Did you make love fervently with her or me?
Did the sound of rain remind you of my beating heart?
Why didn’t you look for me when I it ended?

Did you ever ache for my touch?
Did you weep silently in the night?
As the moon rose in the sky, did you wonder?

Did you ever feel hurt, wondering where I might be?
Did you yearn to come and find me?
When you became ill did you wish for my caress?

Did you crave my presence near your death?
Did you die with my name on your lips?
Why did you have to leave me alone, grieving?
Jan 2018 · 148
Conundrum
Shirley J Davis Jan 2018
The waves of the sea crash ashore
Like the emotions of the human heart
Hard, unforgiving, not caring
So powerful they shape our world

The sea, so vast, so deep, and so unfamiliar
Life giving, in control of all existence on earth
Like emotions, forever changing and molding
The landscapes of a millennia

The sea, like emotions, cannot, should not answer
For their power it wields, be it for good or ill
For the great influence they hold over us  
They simply exist, there is no more

The tides of humanity, are pulled to and fro
By the touch of circumstances and woe
Like the pull on the ocean deep
Kissed by the moons caress

Humanity has dived into the abyss
Found deep beneath the ocean waves
Daring to seek out the secrets
Mankind was not meant to know

Yet we hide from the rip tides and currents
From the depths in our own souls
Shivering with the fear of discovering
What we might find hidden there

Like our exploration of the sea we are virgins
Seeking with curiosity secrets we do not understand  
Adventurers not completely appreciating
The power over the depths of our inner worlds

We are tossed about in our efforts
We buck violently in our ships, and yet
We sail out into the pit of our emotions
Seeking knowlege we may never comprehend

What have we found in our adventures?
More questions, more fear, more grief
Our own emotions frighten us beyond
What a human’s heart may be able to endure

Will we ever complete our mission?
Will our exploration never cease?
Will all our questions be finally answered?
Will we find all that we seek?

Like the exploration of the ocean
There are places we simply cannot go
We can wish, and hope to visit this vastness
But our fragile bodies weaken us

Like the deep abysmal oceans of our world
Humanity needs to seek the truth out in our soul
And finally accept that the human heart like the sea
Is a vast conundrum we cannot fully know
Jan 2018 · 280
Trapped in a Mirror
Shirley J Davis Jan 2018
I stood before the mirror
Transfixed by the image
Staring back at me
I knew her

The woman’s hair was long and brown
Her face lovely and long
Her eyes were light blue
She smiled knowingly at me

I knew she was me

I had seen her in my mind
I had heard her soft voice
At one time I had loathed her
Now I loved her deeply

Bianca looked knowingly
Into my tired eyes
It was like she was a non-corporeal lifeform
That I couldn't touch with my hands

A specter perhaps?

I smiled back wishing
With all my inner being
That she could leave the reflection
And we could embrace

But I cannot truly touch her
She is encased in my mind
Far from my consciousness
Separated from my life

Only part of who I am

I hated to turn away
From the smiling fresh face
I didn’t want to see
As her vision faded away

I stood a moment longer
I reached out my hand to feel her face
I gently stroked the cold glass edges
Of the mirror

The image reached back

Suddenly I felt so overwhelmed
Knowing I could not touch her
Hot tears rolled down my cheeks
The agony of our isolation swept over me

I brushed my tears away
Smiling one last time I turned to go
Behind me I could hear her sobbing
She was so lost, so lost

The pain was almost unbearable

How terrible is the loneliness
We must suffer in the world
How much more so it must be
For the images we have formed

I wept for the soul
I had created in my mind
The image of who I wished I could be
Forever separate, yet one

Trapped in a mirror
Bianca is an alter in my dissociative identity disorder system. She is indeed a part of me whom I dearly love.
Dec 2017 · 199
Stephen
Shirley J Davis Dec 2017
My life was full of pain
I had lost you to another
Now you had died
No one cared that I hurt
I felt anguished
I sobbed myself to sleep

I saw you in my dream
Just as I remembered
Warm and inviting
Protective, loving, caring
My heart felt full
I craved your touch

You stood still for a moment
Looking deep into my eyes
Caring for my feelings
Then I felt your warm arms surround me
I melted into your embrace
Time ended and we began

You held me tight
Telling me I was not alone
I began to weep bitter tears
You cuddled me tighter
Not judging me
Understanding my pain

I awoke to the bitterness
Of knowing you were only a fantasy
I wiped new tears away
Calming myself with the knowledge
That you await me in my slumber
I lay down and spoke your name

Stephen
I will forever mourn my lost love, Stephen
Nov 2017 · 222
The Abyss
Shirley J Davis Nov 2017
With arms flailing
With heart dying
I fell into the abyss

No light there
Only darkness and gloom
It left my spirit crying

Spiraling, spiraling
Out of control
My soul dead within my chest

No one could save me
Except God, who was silent
Help is not coming

So, I fall, ever falling
Into the depths few can fathom
Deeper into the abyss
The abyss I am speaking about in this poem is the abyss of depression. Everyone experiences depression in some form at least once in their lives. The kind of depression I am speaking of is major clinical depression. The pain, hopelessness, and helplessness of this disorder are overwhelming.
Nov 2017 · 565
Last Words to My Therapist
Shirley J Davis Nov 2017
I have sat for many hours
Opening my soul to you
Listening with my heart
To your wisdom, wishing you were my mom

Now you are gone
And I am alone again
The pain is still hurting
But I can no longer listen to your voice

I didn’t want you to go
I wanted to be your child
Although I understand
You needed to retire to find a new life

The children inside my mind
Weep for you every day
I sit alone in my room
And allow their despair to wash over me

After all the years
Of telling you my heart
I can no longer reach out to you
And that hurts me to the core of my being

You could die
And I would never know
I could die
And you would not care when or why

I wish I could see
You just one more time
To tell you how I hurt
But I know you would never allow that

You told me once
I would not owe you anything
When we parted company
That I would be free to go my own way

Now that it you’ve gone
I must forward without you
I must remember what you taught me
But my soul is pain and so **** confused

You were the mother
I never had
It is like you’ve died
I’ll never see you or hear your wisdom again

I know I can say
All these things
Because you will not know
I would never impose upon your professionalism

I just wish
Oh God I wish
You were my real mom
Then you wouldn’t be out of reach forever  

I have one more thing
I would like to say
Before I end this poem
I love you Paula, and I miss you very much
Paula was a fantastic therapist. She and I walked the long road to recovery from severe childhood trauma together for 27 years.
When she retired, she left me utterly alone. I survived though, because that's what I do. I miss her, and I wish her luck.
Oct 2017 · 231
I Am Becoming
Shirley J Davis Oct 2017
I am becoming
Not what others want me to be
Not what the professionals say I should be
Someone I want to be

I am becoming
Through the turmoil and tears
Through the anguish of my years
Someone unafraid of life

I am becoming
A force to be reckoned with
A powerful witness to power
Someone who enjoys life

Yes, I am becoming
Shirley J Davis Oct 2017
I love you
You're mine
I have needs
It's your fault
Don't tell anyone
I'll **** you if you tell
You're my special girl
I'll go to prison if you tell
Nobody loves you like I do
You shouldn't dress like that
Doesn't it make you feel special?
Please come play the game with me
This is because you were so good today
Don't do this with any boy or I'll **** him
All the grown-ups know you are a bad kid
These phrases are used by pedophiles of all types to lure children into their depraved worlds and to keep them there. We MUST as a society begin have open dialogue about the tragedy of child abuse if we ever wish to end it.
Oct 2017 · 312
A Mystery to Myself
Shirley J Davis Oct 2017
I am a mystery to myself
I don't know myself at all
One moment I am me
The next moment I am someone else

I wish I could get a grasp on life
Climb out of this imprisoned mind
To see the world as others see it
Not through the pain in here I find

Being a mystery to yourself
Isn't as wonderful as it may seem
You may have some wonderful fantasies
But you can never live out your dreams
Sep 2017 · 226
The Abyss
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
With arms flailing
With heart dying
I fell into the abyss

No light there
Only doom and gloom
Spirit crying

Spiraling, spiraling
Out of control
Soul dead within my chest

No one could save me
Except God, who was silent
Medications are no good

So, I fell, ever falling
To depths only I can fathom
Into the abyss
Anyone who has ever suffered from depression will understand this poem very well. It was written from the abyss about the abyss.
Sep 2017 · 988
I Am Not Afraid
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
I Am Not Afraid  
Many years I have fought the fight
Crying silent tears into my pillow at night

But a miracle has come to pass
I have begun to reap healing at last

It has been a long hard road with many pitfalls
I wasn’t sure I would survive at all

But I am a strong woman, full of power
I grow have grown in my lust for love of life by the hour

Has it been painless, an easy process I went through?
No, it’s hurt like hell, but what else could I do!

It was stand up and fight the feelings I held down
Or allow the pain to win, and in the sorrow drown

I hope to this world to leave a legacy of hope
To use the pain of my history of life as a scope

That people can look through, and grow
The freedom I have found, I wish them to know

I will proclaim my gratitude for those who have seen me through hell
I have watched, listened and learned life’s lessons well        

I am marching into my future, boldly joining life’s parade
Facing all the uncertainties of my future, and I am not afraid.
Many years of psychotherapy have given me a new lease on life. I hope to pass on what I have learned and leave a legacy of hope behind.
Sep 2017 · 135
Walking Backward
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
Walking backward isn't easy
Something I used to try
If I did it would upset me
Actually, I would begin to cry

There is only walking forward
On into the future
New friends to make
New experiences to nurture

So, if you find life is hard
If you find it's awkward
Perhaps you may discover
That you are walking backward
Sep 2017 · 280
Time is Fluid
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
Time is fluid
There is no doubt
It ebbs and flows
I’ve been inside out

Time is fluid
It passes on its own
It has left me breathless
Feeling all alone

Time is fluid
By chasing today away
It kept me anchored
In yesterday

Time is fluid
My once worst enemy
Challenging my senses
My very sanity

Time is fluid
A flickering light
Against its flow
I once flailed in fight

Time is fluid
Yet I’m learning not to dread
I will have plenty of it
Before I am dead

Time is fluid
I fear it no more
I’m learning to run freely
Time has evened the score

Time is fluid
Yet if I slow down
I can become content to be here
To be alive and sound

Time is fluid
It is becoming an ally
I am sprouting wings
In time I will fly
Sep 2017 · 347
The Tears Will Cease
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
When I entered therapy I thought the grief
Would never ever leave me, would never go away
I felt I could never have any happiness
With the agony I experienced in that day

I feared I would start weeping
And that it would never cease
The truth is that with each shed tear
Has come enormous release

There once was a time when crying
Was a dangerous thing not then allowed
So all of my feelings had to be held inside
My yesterday’s became entangled with my now

Once I began to shed tears
There came to my insides
A deepening sense of inner peace
And I began really healing and learning besides
I implore you if you are a person overwhelmed by grief
To listen to what I say because I’ve been there
One day you’ll realize as you go throughout your day
That the tears have slowed and you feel more of life aware

Don’t be afraid to allow
Someone else to see your weep or mourn
For the tears will slow and to a reasonable flow
And you will find yourself reborn    

Fear not, the tears will cease
Sep 2017 · 249
Coming Out of the Dark
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
In deepest night my soul has traveled
Through many toils and sorrows
Leaving me many times wondering
If there would be any tomorrows

There have been traps set throughout my life
To keep me down you see
Evil men desiring my spirit
To totally destroy me

But I have traveled through the tears
My journey to embark
Others hands holding mine as I was
Coming out of the dark
Sep 2017 · 275
Awakened
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
I am awakened

I'm not sure I like it
Yes, it's better
But it is hard

I am awakened

From a long-drugged sleep
From not caring where I was
Not content any longer

I am awakened

And I long to go to another place
Longing to return to work
Even if only to volunteer

I am awakened
To craving new life in the world
A renewing of my soul
An awakening of my heart

I have awakened
Sep 2017 · 195
Apron Strings
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
About my neck, they choke my life
They make me fight for air
I am struggling to get free
From the one who put them there

She is sure I am hers
She’s tied me up and clings
I need to get them off me
These ******* apron strings
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
We have this one moment to live and no more. The past is dead and there is no guarantee that the next moment will ever come.

We have only this one moment and no more.  We must decide how we want to live in it. Will we live in regret of the past and fear of the future or in acceptance and confidence.

We have only this one moment and no more. We must stay in it as much as we can. We must pay attention to how we feel right now without worrying about the next thing we will do as it may never happen.



We have only this one moment and no more. We can choose to live it in hatred or love, anger or tolerance, as a bigot or respecting others and ourselves.

We have only this one moment and no more. We have this beautiful gift of time to make decisions about our lives. Life is a series of decisions good and bad. Since we are all human we will make both.

We have only this one moment and no more. Only we can make our lives what we wish them to be no one can do it for us.

We have only this one moment and no more and it is enough.
Sep 2017 · 259
Urgency
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
There is a feeling in soul
It plagues my days and nights it seems
A feeling I will not be able to complete
All my longings and dreams

I’m no longer young my body is worn
I’m approaching retirement age now
Yet there are so many things I want to accomplish
To make a difference in the world somehow

The urgency sometimes overwhelms me
I feel I will die too soon
And all my hopes and dreams
Will disappear like a deflated balloon

Will anyone even know I’ve been here
On this earth will anyone remember
There was once a person as myself
I ache inside as I this question ponder

Millions, no billions have come and gone
Down through the eons of time
Most have left nothing but dust
To show they lived, it’s a crime

To know one may pass into eternity
With no one knowing of their passing
Except through a passing obituary
To prove we had lived some day


I feel an urgent need to do something
To leave a legacy behind me
To say to those who come behind
She existed, she was here, a person called Shirley

I understand why the cave men
Left their handprints in the caves on walls
It was to scream down through the eons
I am here, I loved, I answered life’s call

In a hundred years when I am just
A pile of blowing dust
Will anyone remember my passion
For life, my hopes, my trusts

The urgency can be disruptive
I feel like my life will be incomplete
I just don’t want to go down with a whimper
Overcome and in defeat
Sep 2017 · 158
Star Dust
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
If each of the creatures, we call humankind their knowledge would share
Just think what our children could inherit, a world without care  

A future where there is enough food and the water is clean
Where we all finally understand the value of each living being

Where we have learned we are more alike than different, on our oasis in the universe
Perhaps the creatures of earth can then flourish, having overcome greed’s curse

Every young soldier that dies, every child that cries at night
Should fill us with shame, and entice us to hold them in warm arms tight




This planet is our only home, there is nowhere else to go nearby
Yet we call each other aliens we divide ourselves with imaginary lines unseen from the sky

I am afraid to try to think it through, men killing our future with hate filled cries
The Earth trembles with our blood, star dust as it dies

We have the means to destroy ourselves, but we have also great capacity to care
We can achieve so much together, this knowledge could take us anywhere  

It all comes down to choices, which legacy will we pass on to they now being born
A planet whole and without major conflict, or a radioactive wasteland of scorn

It is up to each one of us to remind ourselves and others, there is a better way
Life is too precious to be destroyed, avarice does not pay
  
We must open or eyes and look, all round the evidence exists and tells the story
Of how we are linked beyond unlinking, we are all part of the Universes glory

I am no Philosopher, but one thing I understand as few do
There is little, precious little, difference between me and you
A miracle has happened, in this small piece of creation
It is relevant to everyone, no matter your creed or nation

The atoms that make up our bodies, were forged long ago in a suns death flare
We are not the end of creation, we each one of us star dust become self-aware
Sep 2017 · 239
Eye Contact
Shirley J Davis Sep 2017
He was sitting alone
Not looking for romance
Carefully reading his menu
Not just giving it a casual glance

He smiled at a picture
Of a boy munching down
On a burger twice his size
It reminded him of his son

His divorce had been difficult
Causing him great pain and sorrow
But tonight he put it out of his mind
Not wanting trouble to borrow

Then he saw her

She entered the diner
Not looking for passion
She was in a relationship with a good man
On whom she had invested all her affection

She sat in a booth
Spinning the ring on her finger
Smiling secretly to herself
She on him her mind did linger

The waitress broke her revelry
Asking for her drink order
She took the menu and looking up smiled
Suddenly her heart began to beat harder
Because she saw him

His heart leapt within his chest
As he spied the most lovely woman he had ever seen
She sat in a booth not far away
Like Cleopatra, a beautiful queen

He knew he was staring
He couldn’t stop his gaze
He felt himself pulled to her
Like a rat caught in a maze

He stood to go to her

She gasped at the look in his eyes
She felt heat rising inside
She wondered if she should go
But his look filled her with pride

She saw him stand to join her
And quickly looked away
She thought to remove her ring from her finger
But decided it must stay

She stood to leave

His heart fell into the abyss
As he saw her gather her things to leave
He knew that the fire in his soul
Would cause him to forever grieve

She left and married her man
She had known before that fateful day
She often dreamed of a stranger in a diner
Who had stolen her heart away

They never met

— The End —