Self hatred was an on going battle for me.
It's been years and I'm still affected.
I tried so hard to love myself and at times I did.
I felt beautiful,
worth it,
I felt like me.
Which is weird because I didn't even know who "Me" was.
It never lasted
Time flew by and in a matter of seconds, I was fighting again.
Yelling, lashing, trying to eliminate the monster that lived inside of me.
That part of me that made me believe I was ugly
that I'm not gonna go anywhere, that I'm not worth anything,
It wasted so much of my life.
I spent so much time fighting that I was losing myself again and it scared me.
I couldn't find my way out of that maze I use to know like the back of my hand.
I did it a thousand times so why couldn't I then.
It's not that difficult and I understand that now but my brain had been so drained that I couldn't seem to follow the simplest tasks.

That Self-hatred came from society telling us how to live..
I was told how to live for so long,
Look like him,
Have grades like her,
Do this,
Do that.
It was only a matter of time till I broke and I wasn't gonna let that happen again.
Society told me how to live for so long that I finally decided to die.
I stopped fighting and when I did, I wasn't the one who died, the monster inside of me was.
Some see it as suicide but I see it as self saving.
How can you say you're living when you aren't even being you.
How can you live your life guided by guideline made from people that don't see imperfections.
Tell me that.
Do you even know?
I just hope you know that
It's okay to not be slim
It's okay not to have curves
It's okay to feel different
It's okay to want to die, I've felt that way many times, I'm pretty sure in the hell hold, we all have.
But I chose to live and you should too.
No, you need to!
Because I'm not ready to see you on the news tomorrow.

Stop letting others thoughts kidnap yours.
People behind computers are not our gods and until they can prove us that they're, I'm gonna live my life doing the things I love and you should too.
Live your life the way you want to, because you only get one.
Stop fighting and find yourself because once you do, it'll make everything worth it.

Just remember in this context.
It's not suicide, it's self saving.

I'm haunted by the thoughts that the fur ***** on my sweater will never meets yours again.
I might not show that I care but trust me I do
I probably shouldn't even say this because you won't believe it to be true
I don't want to as much as you but I can't hold my feelings back anymore.
I'm so sorry that I have to say this but I miss you.

Just hug me one more time so I can get it out of my system.
It ended in a flash so these chemicals haven't had their chance to leave.

I can't do it myself so please help.
I've gone weak and emotionless and I don't know what to do anymore.
I've stopped crying and it's weird because that use to be a daily routine.
Am I getting better? Or am I getting worse?
I use to be able to tell but now that I can't feel anymore, I'm not sure anymore.

So please hug me and help me so I can flush these chemicals and not feel clogged anymore.

Leading someone on was the leading cause of depression
I'm not saying this applies to everyone but it does to me
So listen up because otherwise what I do will come off as harsh

I'd classify myself as a gamer but the mind is something I'd never play with
If I get the slightest feeling something might not work
I'll change it

Get to know me while you can because when you're gone
You're gone
There will always be a next and thats something I'll never forget

Take the chance while you have it because it's not given to a lot
If you can't find it then keep trying
It might not be here tomarrow

I'm telling you this because I've experienced my fair share of depression
I'd rather not go down that hole again
So I'm sorry If what I do comes off as harsh

I've realized that if I want to care for some one else
I need to care for myself
So I'll go ahead and take care of that before I take care of you

I can never read you
You've written your book in a language only you understand
And I'm tired of being confused

I thought I liked being only a friend
Now I get that I don't
So take my hand and teach me

I've always wanted to try and fix things but no one can get you
Your walls are to high to see over and to hard to break through
You give enough to stay interesting because you love attention but not enough so people can get you
You have you feelings on a lock, you give the first two combinations away like they're nothing,
The last is your prize possession

You're like a gift that never gets opened, people get excited to see you but never get to see whats inside.
I've always been to scared to approach you and to scared to let go
I was never sure if you felt the same
I got tired of playing that game, so I stopped.

Tell us what we want to hear
If you don't know it, think because its something you fear
Don't lie, because I've heard it before

When you first told me you loved me
I heard music, musicians sang and danced in my head, I loved it
Not only because it was beautiful but because it made it so crowded
The deep dark thoughts became less tragic, it felt like magic
I became attached
Like a leech on skin and peanut butter smoothly slicked on jelly
I loved the get away

Those 3 words were the car outside the bank I was about to rob
They were the cape I used to fly away
And they were my escape from this hellish thing we call reality
but nothing last forever

After awhile you stopped telling me you loved me
You drove away from the bank, tore the cape into pieces, and brought me back!

You closed up
built walls, added extra layers and checked twice for flaws
You locked up your feelings and all I've ever wanted to say since is, Thank you.

Those magical words still linger in my head like warm air on a hot summer day
So thank you, for teaching me how to love others and myself
Thank you for being there for me and being someone I felt like I could always go to
And thank you for making me happy, because lets be honest, it's almost as rare as diamonds

You might not know this but I hope you the best
I just wish you believed in yourself just as much as I still do
I hope you go to college in Hawaii, have a small wedding and find someone who makes you feel special because you deserve water falls of happiness.

You probably think I hate you, so this all must sound a bit weird
but I don't, never have and probably never will
If anything I still love you, platonicly
I get I'm still young and people say I can't know what love is
But I know that I still think of you
I still cry every time I listen to our song
I still wonder what I could have done differently, and I clearly still write poems about you
So if thats not love then Ill just keep wondering what is

Honesty, you'll probably never hear this
Ill probably just delete this
Due to my fear lf this
But if I don't and you do, please understand that this next part is hard for me to say

Im sorry it's taken me this long to finally realize that apologizing isnt weak
I want you to know that I'm sorry for everything I put you through
I just wish that I knew it earlier, so I wouldn't have had to stay up till 3, on a school night, writing this poem to say Thank you and Im sorry.

Kiss me to sleep
because I've tried everything else.

Nothing seems to work
And I've become so tired of being tired
So lay your lips apon mine and whisper "goodnight".

Maybe then I can finally take these little fake realities
and turn them into actualities.
I've forgotten how it feels to dream and I'm ready to remember
so kiss me and make this thing call Insomnia dissappear.

You've noticed their struggles and it called to you
They just naturally gravitate towards you

And it ***** because I can feel feelings filling my body and It confuses me
Not because I'm not ready
But Because it's been awhile
I've forgotten how to react and I'm not even sure if I want them

It's taken awhile but I've finally come to the conclusion
I'm only a friend and I like it
So I will continue to fight it
These feelings that are unwanted
Are far over due

Take me where the sun glimmers off the beautiful blue sea.
Where the kids splash and the adolescents surf.
Where the kids prance while the hula dancers dance.
Take me to the place where everyone goes.
The beautiful get away.

I've only been there in my dreams.
It's as magical as everyone said it to be.
Long board walk beaches that seem to go to the end of the earth.
Villages built in the 1800's filled with kids that know nothing but happiness.
I aspire to be one of those kids.

Take me there so I don't have to feel like I'm drowning when I'm not even in water.
Take me because I've come bored of this place I call home.
The people who I call friends have come annoyed with me
And I'm unhappy with the ones I call family.
So take me away where I can start a new life.
I'm done here.

I have read the poem you wrote for me late at night hundreds of times.
I read it when my mind is constantly doubting itself.
I read it when my eye sockets are continuously flowing waterfalls and I've been drained of my confidence.
I read it when I need it.

You see those little poetic words created by a beautiful mind are my reminders that I'm strong.
That this life is not as bad as it seems.
That I have what it takes.

When looking into your eyes I see a healer.
Somebody who fixes wounds with words.
A kid at heart who fixes minds with short phrases because he is to scared to encounter his own.
A healer who needs healing.

I'd like to thank you.
For creating a boost of confidence for me.
A beautiful piece of art that'll live in my head for years to come.
Something I can go back to without worrying it'll be gone when I get there.

I hope you find someone who can give you what you gave me.
Because I believe you need it too.
A boost of confidence that'll never fade.

I have a long road of lefts and right, curves and dead ends, *** holes and hills, life.

I still scream at myself hoping that I will be done growing.
But the cracks in my voice, keep reminding me that I'm no leader. I'm no independent grown-up. No matter how much I want to be.

People tell me to enjoy my youth while I can, But how can I enjoy something that's basically impossible to enjoy.

I'm tired of hearing that it gets better.
I'm tired of waiting for a journey that I've already packed for.
I'm ready to leave. I'm ready to go.
I'm looking for a "start over" or "restart",

life's not a game, you can't start over whenever you want. There's no cheat codes to make it easier.
There's no princess that needs to be saved.
If there was, I'd be it.
It'd be all of us.

I've always been a city boy
Loved the lights that almost blind you
And the sounds that'll make you deaf

I miss the long tall buildings on a daily
The random people you meet in a day
And the opportunities that never end

The constant rush on a daily
The people the never sleep
And the cars that never stop

These are the things that fuel me
The things that wake me up in the morning
And keep me living just one more day.

I want the unknown
The mysterious adventure
All the unexplained feelings
And the untitled relationship

I want to not know what we'll do
Not know everything about you
But just enough to actually know you

So take me
To a place unknown to me
Make me feel feelings I've never felt
And experience life beyond normal

You and I
Watching the almost endless stars
Staring at the beautiful blue skies
Until we have nothing left to do

You and I
Making memories that last life times
Creating love that never dies
And producing feelings that warm our cold bodies

You and I
Forgetting every second
Frozen in time
Feeling every little movement
Until the warmness of our hearts
Sets us free

These are thing I only dream of
Because in reality you don't exist
It's only me, my thoughts and my dreams.

Those are all I have now
Because I don't let anyone become you
I'm to scared from last time
So I've grown to this mystery man

I've fooled myself to recognize this dark face
The personality that isn't real
The humor that doesn't exist
And the person that just isn't really there.

He is my wall that keeps me safe
The locks that keep me secure
and the love that keeps me sane

Until whoever you actually are can fill his place.

I've always been scared of the new beginning that never comes.
The endless thoughts of "Is it time?"
Little Worthless hope.

Time passes dime by dime.
Age grows one by one.
Till time runs out and you think your last thought.
"Is it time?"

Date, February 10th, 2025.
Failed the promise I made myself freshman year.
"Promise me you'll make it till you're 30"

No one to blame but myself.
My journey had ended.
It was my time.

I've had many wishes in life.
They said they were to much to ask for.
So these are just simply some simple ones.
                                      
The feel of your luscious lips softly hugging mine.        

Our hearts completely in sync but still racing to see who can beat faster.    

A frozen tongue from over flowing nervousness.                              

And your soft fingers caringly curved between mine, creating a perfect pattern.                          

Is that too much to ask for?

That bottle was the treasure, those pills were gold and I was the dark blue lake that was going to consume them.  
One by one, week by week.    
The lake added to its gold.      
It multiplied until there was enough to fill the treasure that was once empty.  
The lake destroyed passing ships to acquire this gold.
Ships that loved and adored this lake.  
It did this because that was the only act it knew how to do.
It knew no other way.
This lake felt guilty for the actions it had committed.
It took the treasure it worked so hard to get and consumed it into the lowest darkest depths it could find.
The lake bashed and bashed at It's  restraints until they all broke down.
That lake flowed out until it soon dried out and the only thing left was the empty treasure.