you were ever rarely a good love
a bad love
an abusive love
a love that was never love
my first love

I feel odd.
No, odd couldn't possibly describe
how I feel at this moment. Its frustration
mixed with gleefulness. Tears paired with a smile.
My muted lips listening to my screaming mind.
I feel a joyous-sadness, like I could dance at wakes
or mourn for a birth. Beating hearts seem to have stopped
as I shriek for undying love. The stars glow a colourful darkness
and the planets rotate in a square. I ascend from
hell's cotton-candy clouds and climb from the depths of heaven.
To love is to sin and to hate is what they praise.
My trees uproot themselves to find a place to drown.
The weeds are what I desire and flowers are a disgrace.
You, my dear, have caused earthquakes to
shake my sturdy world
and nothing is as I thought it was.

{if only you could feel this unease too.
but alas, this cannot be.
even if the brazen skies overhead became a maddening red
with the ocean of darkness made from our galaxy's shadow
spilling between newly found holes in our atmosphere;

even if the laws of gravity made us fall from above
and down towards the dark soil of this earth
whose seeds are planted with the intent of dishonesty
plaguing the lives of all those who dance on the ground;

even if our bodies ceased to exist from this reality,
so that you could no longer see my nervous glances and flushed cheeks,
and the thoughts of each other were the only ideas that drifted
between the turning planets and flickering stars;

you will never love me.

i know that there is no love that you can give to me.
that there is no unease when you think of me.
kisses from my desperate lips will never smother yours
nor shall our fingers adore how they entwined perfectly
between the spaces of our rough hands.

yes, you bring a certain kind of wonderfulness to my life,
one that allows me to carry a radiant smile
but you have brought a certain kind of pain too,
one that is the cause of clenched hearts and
glassy eyed teens trying to keep the darkness from their minds.}

I wonder, {i wonder,}
is this what first love feels like?
{is this what an unrequited love feels like?}

I hope {i truly hope that one day}
you feel this love too. {you'll feel this pain too.}

As you guzzle down your emotions,
forcibly silencing yourself,
You’re actually drowning an addiction;
Rather than your sorrows.
the liquid that easily slides down your throat,
is engulfing you in its depressively, thick brew.
Your eyes are noticeably bloodshot,
while mine are hidden behind hands and muffled tears.

I don't know
what I'm feeling right now
but if loving you
meant riding the same roller coaster
way back then,

I'd gladly join you over and over again.

A life without a mother is like fighting a war

alone.

feelings of heartbreak explained in a simple quad.

one ; shock
panic. youre being left behind. even if you saw it coming, you never expected it. this is when you cant seem to tell yourself to stop and breathe. choking on tears that havent fell from your eyes yet. frozen in time. you will remember this moment forever.

two; realization
despair. youve been left behind. you know that for sure now. you realize what has been done. this is what makes you collapse into your sheets. this time you choke on real tears. you scream and scream into your pillow. you will do this for weeks.

three; longing
aching. youve been left behind for a little while now. your heart still aches for someone who has started to forget about you. this is what makes you yearn for the love of a person who you dont speak to anymore in hopes of the pain subsiding for just a minute while you hear their voice. this is what makes you act out in hopes of gaining their attention just one more time. this time you choke on words left unsaid. i miss you will repeat incessantly in your head. you will do this for months.

four; healing
recovery. youve been left behind for months now,
but it doesnt really matter anymore. you will never forget, but youve accepted that. this is what makes you feel strong. this is what makes life feel fulfilled even though that person isnt in it anymore. this time you choke on the words you speak as you explain why you spent so much time trying to gain a persons attention who tossed you away like a sheet of paper. their name will no longer ring in your mind. you will do this for the rest of your life.

slow mornings,
soft lights.
easy touches,
sleepless nights.
steady breaths,
messy hair.
heavy eyelids,
cool air.
side-ways smiles,
delicate skin.
hushed voices,
my morning sin.