the stars run away with me
(better than none for company!)
we'll hitch a ride on the last train,
then belt our hearts out in the rain!
we will be as we will be,
we will be as we are free!

i found myself
like an old photograph in the attic,
a portrait of me
trapped in time

i discovered the monochrome
light and shadow
that was born and remained
since the blinding white
of the camera flash

i studied my sepia eyes
and saw that, indeed
my eyes never lost
their luster

I’m in bed, half-asleep with the morning rays seeping through the blue curtains, and I'm holding you in my arms, you who I truly love. We feel warm and touch skins, our legs intertwined, eyes locked to infinity,

And I’ll be thinking to myself. Thinking how I finally made it. How I built myself, my own masterpiece, from the ground-up. How I grew, through the rough weather and poor soil, grew higher than anyone ever imagined – my leaves and petals reaching up to the sky, embracing the sweet, cool rain falling and baptizing me into a new life. And I'd feel truly, fully alive.

And I’d wonder just how lucky I am to have met someone like you who understands me and who I want to understand: I’d be the last actor to leave the stage, and I’d go down to meet you, my audience of one, and we’d remove our masks and see our true selves and we'd talk and fall in love until all the stars die and the cold takes us. And even in the dark, we'd know the other was there. And we’d be the only ones who knew each of our little secrets, and we’d hide them in our secret places: hidden between the wrinkles of our brains, behind our ears, sealed in the spaces between our fingers, and woven into the seams of our palms and knees.

And when our time has finally come, I’d let my ashes mix with yours, so not even death could separate my heart from yours. And we’d fly into a capsule rocket to the moon, and we’d circle the earth and see the stars until everything else has turned to ash.

And I'd slowly get up and make us breakfast – some eggs and coffee, just the way you like it – and I’d hear a precious murmur behind me, whispering, unexpectedly, with a smile:

*I love you.

this silence is evil. my demons don’t scratch, ****, or tempt. they place a sickly old finger to my lips with one hand and clutch my throat with the other, draining my face blue.

i suffocate in silence.

my voice, once big, is shrinking to a whimper. barely anyone hears me – barely anyone knows i'm here. i'm just someone to sit with, someone with a history, someone to feel sorry for for a few seconds, someone who'll shut up and listen to them talk about themselves all day, someone you brush off in a few words, someone not worth your breath.

and the worst part is, you don’t know me. no one does. and all my candles slowly die, one by one. darkness consuming the light, wretched invisible eyes smiling at me from the abyss.

and nobody cares. nobody listens. nobody asks why.

i'm terrified to the bone. i'm turning into someone i don’t want to. this cancer is eating me up, and it will eat until there is nothing left but empty thoughts and crushing regret. this pent-up anger, this introverted angst, not to others but to myself – i just wanna break something. rip it to pieces, burn it and throw it in a lake. punch it until my fist draws blood – until my fist becomes my ****** heart and my ****** heart becomes my ****** fist.

i am holden caulfield, but i don’t want to be.

if i'm rambling because nowadays i find myself thinking the same thoughts over and over – like clockwork that strikes at the midnights of my loneliness – but then they, my thoughts, never really materialize or transcend the barriers of my mind amidst the almost infinite space of opportunity before me, this unnerving vast reservoir of potential that surrounds me like an ocean does an island, like an ocean does a drifting plastic bag – though it may be important to add that salt water cannot be drunk, unless i find madness and thirst to be my choice of sweet self-destruction; but i, as a creature of this world, despite lacking fins or gills, know that salt water can be crossed, perhaps by a ship of my own design: wooden oars and planks, compass and sextant, my eyes on the guiding stars, my hope on the rising dawn.

i don't understand it
but i know, i feel
it's beautiful
like a foreign language
where the words dance in your ears
and jive to the music
then at night sneak off to bed
and make love
like how the sun
makes love to the moon
at every eclipse
which never fail to remind me
of the eclipses in your eyes,
twin spheres that brighten under their lids
on those rare, glorious perchance
when you see something
you don't understand
but know
but feel that
it's beautiful

you find yourself alone
slumped in the corner
your knees to your chest
curtains drawn so not even the dawn can ask you how you're doing

all these years, you've swallowed the tears
as if they were bitter pills that would banish your fears
one more beer, one more hour
three hundred minutes thinking in the shower
your heart racing at the thought that this will all be over

you find yourself in bed
not asleep but drifting in the middle
every word you know becomes a riddle
every motion feels like a chore
drowning in an ocean without a shore

you lie there to your side
nothing to keep
but everything to hide

the silence
is deafening
and you never do get used to it
and you find yourself
talking with the dog
because the dog won't leave your side

and you don't dare look in the mirror
because the mirror would only look back
your only solace is but the cold and black
of sleep
you don't want any dreams
you don't want to weep
you just want the darkness
all day
and only the darkness
you keep

underneath the blue ocean,
deep in god's eternal gaze,
inside a woman's emotion,
wandering the evergreen maze,

between a bird's beak and feather,
behind the ancient cellar door,
through seams of velvet and leather,
swimming the seas of salvador,

in the taste of honey sweet,
across the valleys of a face,
on the bottom of a lady's feet,
dancing on the clouds with grace,

beautiful worlds in beautiful words,
my true heart's pleasure,
beautiful worlds in beautiful words,
my true mind's treasure.

Dear Lord, I am here on my knees, crying,
For I have strayed and my faith is dying;
Holy Shepard, guide me back to God's route;
Make me pure and cleanse me as I cry out:
           Come, Lord Jesus, Come!

Lord, I undress my sinful soul to you;
I bare it all, everything's in your view;
And I feel your merciful eyes on me,
I get closer to you and say with glee:
           Come, Lord Jesus, Come!

Dear Lord, I can feel your holy presence;
In your embrace, I can taste your essense;
I can feel your passion, your fire, your heat;
And on this night I joyfully repeat:
           Come, Lord Jesus, Come!

Lord, I worship your body and kiss your feet;
Our hearts come together and share one beat;
You opened me and entered me with love,
And to this blessed act I shout up above:
           Come, Lord Jesus, Come!

Dear Lord, you cleanse me and ****** out my sin!
You penetrate my soul and place God in!
You reach to the darkest regions of me,
And instill the comfort of Christianity:
           Come, Lord Jesus, Come!

Lord, you erase all my mistakes and woes;
I can feel your power from my head to toes;
Like a white horse, you are pure and perfect;
As you work your miracle, I loudly inject:
           Come, Lord Jesus, Come!

Dear Lord, you release me from damnation,
And pour on me your holy salvation,
And I am again innocent and gay;
And as you depart, I thank you and say:
           Come, Lord Jesus, Come!

the sun shot with an arrow, bleeds out
blotting the sky with red

running up the blood-stained stairs
hairs raising, hell-raising
your feet racing
a stampede, a cacophony of undead
crazing, blazing
groans groping your tail
fire-breathing zombies

a glitch in the matrix
déjà vu

me behind you
in a floor of mutants
high up in the tower
they overun, overpower
i'm hit, bit
i die on the ground
and watch you crash into the glass
and freefall
explosions on your back
supernova attack
you, a reverse icarus,
the sun on your back
falling, a comet,
destination certain,
curtain of darkness

a dream within a dream
gigantic war machines on the horizon
indigo sky, devil angels cry
it's the end of the world

awakening, i see
ancient swampland ruin
trudging through the green river
i see kids skipping on stones
and they lead me to a fountain of bones
and a black horse in its reflection

i see you behind the doric column
i reach out and call your name
but you walk right through me

and so i weep in the fountain
and from the blackened waters
i find an arrow
which i place in my bow
to bleed out the sun

for a millisecond,
where they see nothing,
i see *infinity

will i be noticed
like a single note removed
from the melody of a song?

or will i be faceless
like a single blade of grass
in god's backyard lawn?

will i be missed
like a missing tooth?

or will i be forgotten
like a plaything from youth?

only time will tell.

now that i'm floating away
from the one i love
i find it harder to breathe
from up above

now my honey
tastes like diluted tea
and my *******
barely tingle me

now my heart
rarely thumps or skips
and i feel nothing
on these lonely lips

now my blue roses
are fading to white
and my sunrise eyes
are dying with the night

now that you're gone
i can't
i won't say a thing
i want
i need you back
and all the life
that you bring

jokes, no limits
everybody needs to laugh, to dream
so let's rush and get away
spend the weekend with vampires
extroverts not needed

just need a friend to get by
(or i'd probably go insane)
read, write, listen with me
don't think i don't care about you:
of all the somethings and someones,
nothing compares to this, to you

my heart sleeps on a bed of fur
on bodies that snuggle up and purr
the warmth of your leg touching mine
i'm not drunk but i'm blushing wine

and i can hear the red parade
that marching drummer brigade
their warm beat showers and soars
drumming from my chest to yours

and i close my eyes
and see
              a million fireflies
like a million twinkling stars
like a million blinking cars
   little lanterns that decorate the air
like christmas morning

i lay there with you
and enjoy the view in front of us
and i smile
when you tell me
that you see them too

Wilderness their sight, her brown eyes contain the bright
Universe -- she is a graceful phoenix in flight;
Golems of the golden earth bow to this fire bird;
Two fiery wings spread -- she is the light of the world,
Prometheus's daughter, vanquisher of night:
Withered grass resurrect and bloom do flowers burned
Meaning rejoice! she comes with the warm dawn returned!

he sits in the corner
of his deserted mind
where not even he
wants to keep
himself company.
the smell of
broken dreams
pang the air.
he feels tired.
he feels wasted.
but most of all
he feels
        




                                                            ­           alone.





and all he wanted
was a sign
from someone
from anyone
just to know
that he wasn't
the only one
who felt this way.

i have
a birthmark
shaped like
a cloud
but then again
   everything
  is shaped
     like a
      cloud

Your eyes are lightning—
piercing, penetrating—
stunning.
with a gaze,
You turn me,
a mere mortal,
into stone.
Your presence is—
electrifying.

Your hair is brazen,
Your skin is gold.
Your body sacred oak.
the grace of a swan,
the heart of a lion,
the eyes of an eagle,
the mind of God—
is all Yours.

the sun has half Your warmth,
the sky a quarter of Your greatness,
and the stars an eighth of Your brilliance.

a huff of Your breath
could blow all the birds from the sky.
a flick of Your finger
could crush all the earth's mountains.
a crack of Your voice—
like thunder—
could make all men fall to their knees.

the world gravitates on Your inhalation
and shies away on Your exhale.
all of nature sings of Your glory,
for around You,
everything revolves.

on my chariot
riding on a bridge of brass,
torches in the air—
in imitation of Your celestial glory—
i wonder
if there be a place for me
on mount olympus—
by Your side.

**** me, ***** beasts!
Ravage my mountains
And drain them
—a million mosquitoes on my skin;

Burn me, wooden hearts!
Watch me as I am consumed
By toxic fire
—a million ashes in my eyes;

Choke me, my children!
Rob me of the air of my lungs
With your stranglehold
—a million claws on my neck;

And when you are done
And tired from your *******
I shall cover you in the darkness of your making
And you—
Like a forgotten dream
—shall perish.

I. the apparition

i don't fear death,
i fear never being born;
i fear not my last breath,
but all the breaths in between;
how do i know i'm alive?

II. the left foot

for what purpose is the sun without its light?
for what use are eyes without their sight?
for what good is a left foot without the right?
and for what joy is a string without its kite?
will i ever be complete?

III. father

as branches grow to the shape of their roots,
as vermillion bloodies every spring with a drop:
could i escape original sin?
could i become a better man--
could i become my own man?

IV. aneurysm

would lightning dare blaze up a tree
that has yet to bear fruit?
would the gods dare strike down an artist
with a painting unfinished?
fate is neither cruel nor fair.