It's killing my mind to watch him die. I'm barley alive and he's suicide.
I just keep crawling bakwards
Never gonna get you back
I can't handle the absence
I take the silence
I can't handle the absence
I can't take the silence
Oh the empty space you oocuppied
Is eating holes in my mind
Can't pick up the pieces you left behind
Oh my god I wish I could die

Ashes are left
Ashes and gin soaked pages
Ashes and shaking hands at breakfast
Ashes and bruised knuckles
Ashes and losing him
Ashes and the absence
Ashes and memories
Me hitting the floor vision clouded over with black
His hand on the back of my head lifting me out of shock and back into the world
His ashes and absence wears my mind thin
His arm draped around me, drunken stumble up the steps
His ashes and my flesh won't mix
His ashes and my heart won't mix
His ashes blow away in the wind every time

I wake up alone
It's a cold shock
Hands clutching the sheets where a few minutes ago I imagined that familiar warmth
His hands scarred from fights and glass
Wrists bruised from cuffs
"Sorry I didn't get back to you, I was arrested then hospitalized"
Gone
My hands ache
My chest aches
"You deserve sweet things"
He was wrong

I hear that bitter sweet voice
Sharp and cloying
She's so beautiful
But cold and spiteful
Leaving traces of her touch
"I'll take you away from this"
I won't listen to her
I reach out to something safe
No answer
She gains confidence with every ring
No anwer
"Remember my sweet release"
I try again stretching up clawing out of the pit
No answer
I stop reaching
She has my attention

He sprints across the field
Navigating obstacle after obstacle
Addiction, illness, depression
Bits of him flying off into the distance
His hope, dreams, will
He's falling apart, getting smaller
Propelling himself forward regardless of his destruction
The finish line is a bullet
There is no applause

Tight frayed nerves
Agitation lives in my veins
The pain in my hands keeps me awake
Begging the dark to put me at ease
Pushing consciousness away
Please make it go away
Relieve my tight skin and stifled breath
Panic clenching my lungs in its fist