felt you
ooze in
heard your soul
scratching and jangling
as it shuffled in
behind me
inserting yourself
into the nothing left between me and the door
and you just hover
a spectre
seen but unseen
felt your form
flick of hair
the false nails
and cigarettes barely disguised with gum
with bag stylishly slung
I don’t need to see you
to know you are there
inserting yourself
into the nothing left between me and the door
and you just hover

@journeyofdays

how is possible
that you are still here with me
after what I say and what I don’t
the way I act with the fear I see
that story on loop
and the illness that grips me
how

@journeyofdays

how was your day?
so, do you want the version where
I fought the dragons just after you left
fell off the cliff before coffee
was paralysed by fear after lunch
sweat an ocean
didn't speak to anyone all afternoon
curled up and waited for you to come home and ask...

how was your day?

fine. yeah, it was fine
how was yours?

@journeyofdays

racing through conversations
planning through scenarios

seeing endless possible outcomes to a present that has not eventuated,
may not...
probably will not happen...
processing

constantly processing
analysing faces
check out the body language
looking for nuances
shifting positions
seeing endless possible outcomes to a present that has not eventuated,
may not...
probably will not happen...
processing
constantly processing

where is the off switch? this is ******* exhausting

drifting
hold my hand
stumbling
take my arm
paralysed
wrest me from this torment
fearful
turn may face towards you
scared
hold my face
prisoner
don’t let me look into the fire
suffocating
breathe for me
dazed
**** out this choking smoke
confused
deceit still lingers
shifting trees roots
grabbing
why
suffered all for you
empty
more desolate than void
help me
now I need your strength
infusion*

@journeyofdays

vacuum of light
a dark so still it has no sound
profound dark
deep time
breathe
slow now
there is no linear logic to this
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

unregulated yet ordered
power prevailing and insinuating into all
forming intimate unions across boundaries that make our reason
breathe
slow now
there is no physical logic to this
it is
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

draws on the eternal
it has a future
impacts on now
a brain cannot fathom
the past is still to come
breathe
slow now
there is no epochal logic to this
it is
deep time
in saecula saeculorum

energy
it moves through and within
whispering around the edges of the quiet mind
enfolded
in those spaces between thoughts
breathe
slow now
there is divine logic
immerse
in this
deep time
in saecula saeculorum


#thisjourneyofdays

don’t you find it interesting
you cannot meet my eye
hide, look but don’t look
body language is beyond awkward
twist and turn to keep me in your sights
wring your hands and nervously twitch
I am finding it very interesting
maybe, finally, you cannot outrun your guilt

@journeyofdays

so you feel a little unwell
tight throat and your mouth a touch dry
that stone in your chest has started sinking to your gut
the flush of colour on your face ...
that is the wash of guilt dawning
the enormity of what you have done
isn't this an interesting place
the place you find yourself in
and this is only first tide's turn

@journeyofdays

it is just a gift
that keeps on giving
my personalised pithos of
things wrapped up in tears
reopening stories I had put away
discovering new chapters
combining short stories into weighted tomes
pressing down my heart
with unexpected plot twists and feedback loops
that keep crashing around in my head
oppressing my wins with blinding migraines
because I tried too hard and reached too high
did too much
it is just a gift
that keeps on giving
my personalised, Pandora’s pithos of ...(fill in your preferred ending)

@journeyofdays

how temporary can this insanity be when
it keeps bumping its way back
into my days here and there
******* up normal so hard
won this moment but what of the
next time it chooses to haunt
my dreams at work and my thoughts
at night when I  desperately want to
sleep and not wake up
to this temporary insanity that keeps
hanging  around

@journeyofdays

just because you can
whisper untruths
ruin faith
seek to bring down
shred up reputation
go unchallenged
see chaos as your right
…does not mean you will not run out of road

@journeyofdays

from a wandering sleep it will rest my brain
centres and fires up my heart
gentle
soft
meaning something ... only to us
marking me as yours
private moment and public declaration
our farewell morning kiss

#thisjourneyofdays

so you think you know me?
there are parts of me that even after all this time, i keep
not forgotten over this journey of days
tucked away, sometimes woven into the fabric of emotion and choices
never more important than now
in this struggle to get back
to find me, the whole of me

put it behind me? that’s your advice?
it is still my reality, it isn’t going anywhere


you really want to know me?
are you ready to see it all?
do you think you can deal
as the parts become unhinged and fall off
as i show you the parts of me you have never seen
the raw, the angry, the parts that make no sense
are you ready for that?

put it behind me? that’s your advice?
it is still my reality, it isn’t going anywhere


do you really want use the lens that filters the way i see the world now?
i think you should
then you will never say
put it behind you
you will honour this reality
holding my hand, holding the pen

know me

#thisjourneyofdays

because of this curse I strive to be unknown
yet the very thing that will heal me
is someone knowing my name

@journeyofdays

marked out
scars are deep
granulated
raised
hate designed this pattern of lace
body compensates for punches and kicks
pinned to soft pillows held with steel
bobbins twist and cross intricate designs
capturing events in delicate knots
infinite combinations
belying pain, tales, drama
to create a work of beauty
in silk and blood
triumph
you did not win
victory was mine
I wear the lace mantilla


@journeyofdays

oh God this is beautiful
shifting dunes of ice and water vapour
suspended above a tropical lagoon
dropping down into layers
bleeding colours
layers running off to the horizon
hanging out in lazy drapes over mountains tops
slow dervishes
ignoring the beckoning
obscured puppet master
sinking into the sea

@journeyofdays

anxiety is knowing I have laid landmines in my head

@journeyofdays

process in meaning
opens horizon to new landscapes
explains soul deep memory
meaning so subtle in colours from dreams
walking in footsteps only comes so close
intimate
hear soul’s intention
feel deep culture from  bones
own words fall short
breathe connection of place and time
transcends
speak my works
see life through my eyes

@journeyofdays

looking for the word
but will settle for a phrase
that adequately captures
the queasy but a little bit right and funny balancing act feeling
when you find yourself
agreeing with Mark Latham

@journeyofdays

if you can sing about it
will it become legend

@journeyofdays

starting small
the little parts fall away
nobody notices
the diminishing
barely perceptible
as we focus on the parts spinning around us
at speed

piercing gently
at first
nobody notices
the pain
barely perceptible
as we are jostled through gated moments
at speed


then it tips
the balance
ground is gone
storms unleash
deluge
giving way
to life in cascade

@journeyofdays

this analogous dance step we have happening
looks beautiful from above
we dip, parry, swirl and turn
creating marbled patterns across the battered and weathered landscape of other people’s lives

a progression for two voices
written together, but, we'll never meet
the same tonic
do you sing your part or play
I play, the other to create the chord,
a harmony, not seeing the instruments each other plays

we could be friends you know
share our story, the ones that looks so alike
at best we simply yell across the divide
warning each other about the things that are thrown at us from the sides
events and types that divert our paths and cause us to dance our river, cutting through the dirt

the bomb that went off in my life is coming to you next
you can see it from where you stand
helpless to stop it, unable to run ahead, we know it is going to hit….now
I feel your pain, understand, riding the the shockwaves tumbling through the aftermath
just like you did for me last week.

lives in parallel
destined never to meet
observing each across a plane
knowing the path each other treads
destined never to meet

@thisjourneyofdays

coffee cup trails you have left through the house
trace your steps
as you moved from the couch to your desk and back

the crumbs on the bench
speak of yet another meal
we have not shared this week

the towel on the rack
and smell of your soap
just missed you again

it’s still warm in the bed
that you left
just now without saying goodbye

because I wasn’t there
and neither were you
at the same time

unremarkable mementos
there are traces of us everywhere
one more week
and our life returns to normal

@journeyofdays

understand now
that I ask too much
there is love
yes, it feel that
need to believe that it is still there
keeping me here, keeping us

the need, I can't define
it sits just beyond rational thoughts
sending emissaries for occasional negotiations
they seem to know the plan
but only reveal little portions
leaving me to ponder implications


it is a madness
following its own rules
******* up normal to challenge safe
making me rethink
purpose and what I am now
what we are and if we can continue to be


beginning to think this situation
is too big for you to handle
a sickness too strong
brokenness just too far gone
searching for the pieces
for long enough now, what we have found will do

changed
hardly recognise myself these days
no more curtains shading our thoughts
the clarity of what we have become scares you
it frightens the hell out of me
limits, we are moving beyond now

@journeyofdays

I can hear little voices
they are in the garden next door
it has been such a long time
since that music
tinkled through the air

@journeyofdays

long time coming
this quiet in the soul and still of the mind
enveloped by zephyrs of cool calm washing in from the moss covered rocks
infused with wisdom and dappled in sunlight
and all at once silence no longer roars

@journeyofdays

too sad, this passing
he has gone, but  will never leave your heart
they leave you alone
and cannot look upon your face
the torture they see is frightening
an illness and horror they do not want to catch
they do not know what to say
how to feel
what to do
racked with pain and confusion
condolences mesh with your tears
thinking and shuddering
that pain, could be mine
the madness of grief
bends minds creating meandering paths
what if
I did more
spoke out
reached out earlier
time has at once stopped and races beneath you
the agony
ages you, endlessly
nature upturned
mourning your child
let me hold your hand
sit with you through this night
yes, I will walk with you
now entering this new journey
emotional cartography
will take time to master
you will find a way through
a passage to safe harbour

@journeyofdays

not sure I can find the way back
permanently
lost

@journeyofdays

not sure I really want the way back
staying
lost


@journeyofdays

parts of me remain
other parts
well
they
are
lost

@journeyofdays

the parts lost
they
are
forgotten
no need to search

@journeyofdays

you held my name
then it fell away
into
lost

@journeyofdays

the impact of
not speaking my name
is
us
lost

@journeyofdays

well
if I am lost
do you feel
lost
too

@journeyofdays

compass busted
here
now
this
is
where
I
am
lost

@journeyofdays

hey
welcome to lost
maybe
we can do this together

@journeyofdays

you are here
I am here
are we actually
lost


@journeyofdays

rain stars before footfall
grow lightening in proximity
beat thundering hearts
and love as gods

@journeyofdays

meditate - ink -  pray
keeps me from
drink - cry - coma

think - draw - breathe
helps with
process - know - conquer


punch  - walk - yell
guards me from
fear - hate - intemperance

write - write - write
saves me from
myself


#thisjourneyofdays

I can see the path
the one that takes me...leads me
not back

time and events have changed me
there is no going back
but it does lead me to something, familiar
to where I am meant to be
I have felt the path ...not visible...near to where I am stumbling in circles
cruel  - hey?
right alongside me
just unseen
perhaps I was not ready to see
with lessons to be learned
the pain and suffering i need to endure ...in order to take the path
that leads me
not back

@journeyofdays

where have I been?
an alternate world
there but not here
here but not here

trying to make order of the chaos in my head...to control my heart’s erratic beat
sweating through replays
struggling with what if
seeking the reason why...but coming up empty ..except for self loathing for the lack of clarity

whirling around in a life ******* spiral of confusion and pain
emotionally and spiritually wrecked

I have nothing left to fight with
I am done being sick

#thisjourneyofdays

forgive because I must...because now I can
the last obstacle to my recovery
saying the words in prayer and speaking them from my heart

you no longer owe me a debt
He has taken that away
your restoration lies with Him now...no longer with me

forgive.. because it frees me from the bond of this sin
no longer do I seek your downfall...I have no heart for revenge

you are no longer accountable to me

He has that ledger now
make an appointment with Him

#thisjourneyodays

darkness is making me sick
keeping me ill

keeping me tied to ..
shackled to shadow...to anger and injury

smoky tendrils keep me in a half life of tears, regrets, pain

trapping me in memories I cannot flee

darkness is keeping me sick

#thisjourneyofdays


I forgive you

saying the words

feeling them in my heart

letting go of anger... pain...injury

still I cannot see you..face you...your person is too vile

you may never hear ...I forgive you... from my lips ...the intent is true nonetheless

my soul is freed now from the shackles of your torment

I wish you peace and strength to face your sin and the demons you unleashed on my life and make your account.

deep pain in my head and body
this throbbing cancer that wants to take me with it into oblivion

scratching my eyes
shredding my brain
stealing my mind
….not wanting to let me go

the roots poisoned by light are shaken loose and tearing away from my body…

excruciating pain ... penance this salve for the spiritual pain with a physical form

#thisjourneyofdays

throbbing cancer of darkness
shaken from its seat in my heart and head

hate ends now
there is no place for you here
you deceived me with your promise of justice
your form made me sick

go
leave this place
you no longer have harbour here

#thisjourneyofdays

agony of the soul
agony of night
this painful transition... spiritual reset

casting out the darkness
clearing away the grave around my heart

waiting for the rains of reparation to be begin

#thisjourneyofday


light now in the places that were hidden
...hidden from yourself but not Me. I still saw you in the dark places...tossed up on rocks and sinking into places you did not want to go
I still saw you.
I kept watch.

did I need to know why?

would knowing have helped me make sense of the trauma, the chaos?

deceived by those dressed in light pretending to be…

videri quam esse

the falsehood of your being…

my lesson humility

crushed and battered

shredded life and spirit

I am nothing

now I know why…

#thisjourneyofdays