Why is it that I write poetry?
Is it because of the self-torture in me?
Tell me, what is it you see when you read?
A light inside,
or a destructive me?
Have I wallowed so long in these allegories?
Or discovered the truth in a depressing sea?
Reveal-NOW
the truth to me?
Be I a gifted poetess,
or a pathetic sheep?

I want to remember-
Not the childhood I am largely unable to recall,
But the one I don't know I had at all.

I want to remember-
the changes I made previously, how I shaped the world.
Not what Kanye wore on his wedding day, or how his wife's hair was curled.

I want to remember-
Not how we met, or how you fell for a stranger,
But how we met for the first time on our journey, that spans back to the beginning of time and all danger.

I need to remember-
How we can be saved.
Not how to play the waiting game whilst I sit whispering, "I'm ready for change."

That path, by billions, has already been paved.

When life roars at me,
and my faith feels weak.
What will I choose to believe?
Oh, it's your face I seek.
Jesus.

When the cross seems far away
and I remember all my mistakes.
When I'm lost and feeling unsafe
You've already rescued me.

You come in like a wave
Sweeping away tomorrow and yesterday
You say come what may,
Cause you've already rescued me.

You've already rescued me
You've already rescued me
You've already rescued me
You've already rescued me

Now I have to choose to believe.
And if I want the victory
I'm choosing you not me
because you've already rescued me.

I am putting us
to Song and Dance.
A melody for pain,
A chorus of chance.

Your actions replay
in the refrain.
I see myself again,
crying in the rain.

We sit and have coffee,
I kiss your child.
But I relive the tragedy,
to put it mild.
Heartbreak and angst,
but we're healthy and whole.
What will writing this testimony,
do to my soul?

The day is coming soon darling
I'll be waiting right here
My heart will be changing
'Til the day you draw near

Help me, anyone...
I've got too much to lose.
I'm hanging on the edge,
of my own noose.
Do I like being this person?
Is this even new news?
I think I have lost who I once was,
I think I'm addicted to the blues.
I think I am so far off, what I should be
who I should be to you.
There's a monster in this story,
and well, it isn't you.

I can't even focus on the keys in front of me
Figuratively
Literally
I am suffocating.
I hate the feeling of having no chains
Because eventually, even that becomes one.
I know we're supposed to say we're never alone.
...But where are they now?
I know I have to be a rock
But I am made of softer things.
And every time I am dropped...
I break.
It's just gravity, but I feel a little smaller than before
My brain tells me I am infinite.
My heart argues this.
And I can't get into it.
You would never find me
Aokigahara

I'm not shocked
How saddened I can become
Yet the boat isn't rocked.

Sailing out beyond me
Expectations on the shore
I think we will live fully
Everything we want and more.

It wasn't me and you truly
That I could not ignore.
Sails adjusted to me.
Asking for more.
That's what really threw me.
There are no closed doors
Now everything is blooming
Better than before.

Walking in the world,
I have seen a lot of things.
Some things I wish I had not,
Some things that aren't really
what they seem.

But never have I seen
a love so beautiful and serene.
It captivates those who behold it,
and gives them things beyond
their wildest dream.

I want you to know,
Lover Most Supreme;
I don't want to take for granted
these gifts and miracles
You are blessing me with.
For I want
nothing to come
in between.

Don't ask me how you can obtain,
something you already know.  
If you seek a spiritual gain,
Only you can go.
Take in the love
Replace the pain.
Try breathing like you know,
The world won't be the same,
For any of us who let go.

There are so many dreams I've yet to share.
So many lives, I might never live.
So many times, I said it wasn't fair,
but then again...what really is?
I have nothing left to lose.
And everything to give.
I want nothing more than all the world.
Whatever that really is.

I guess this is just a case of the "Do Better Blues"
Because I don't want to be any better, than your best perception of you.

If I can dare to shine, you can too.
For that inner beauty pines to come out of you.

Release and let go,
of all that you think you know.
of all that haunts your soul.
of all that you give control.

It doesn't have to exist,
release yourself and focus
String your passion like Christmas lights across your soul,
For only this kind of shared love will make you whole.

I'm supposed to be studying for Sociology,
But instead I'm researching the best ways to affect change without having to learn political policies.

I should have eaten lunch,
But I chose a two hour conversation with an old teacher who thinks I'm a genius, but my hopeless cause can't be won.

I should not smoke,
But I love the relief it brings me in this world that thinks humanity is a joke.

I should have grown up happy and well adjusted,
But my parents were not in love with each other, just the "American Dream" they naively trusted.

I should feel love in every atom on this earth,
Instead I feel the vibrations of energy that puts itself into greed, power, and lust to determine self-worth.

Missing:* an angel of heaven.
Found: inside your eyes.

Hitting my own nerves,
I subject myself to the reading of words
Before the curve,
Unheard
Does anyone take the time to heal
all the other wounded birds?

Aren't both sides gathering the nerve?
Weaved into the world,
Darkness
Clutched round their hearts and necks to preserve
like strings of pearls
A world breeding monsters
out of innocent little girls.

Real-
is the courage to wake everyday.
your heart refusing to not play
its song.
with a bountiful, limitless forte.
No mezzo, no piano.
Life is the finest concert hall and stage.
And I will never
ever
refuse to play.

Sometimes I think
You won't want to hear
What I think
What thoughts are near
And then I lean
into your heart
and let your love
wash light into what once was dark.

And this is where we all belong.
Singing out our worries in the form of song.
Spilling out our secrets, not because he wants to know
But because it brings Him into somewhere
we weren't allowing Him to go.

Body feels like its first breath entered
Zen like state, spirit centered
Happy is here with someone new.
Blurred features tease me, could it be you?
Did you come back? Will you find me?
So used to telling these thoughts no, you could actually surprise me.


I keep falling in love with the most inconvenient of things
Do I appreciate too much, or is there too much that makes my soul sing?

When you plant a seed in a broken garden,
Results are flowers that have grown guarded.

Apprehension to explore territory uncharted
Departed
We are weeds jealous of flowers
Parted.

No matter how many random children pluck us, make a wish, and blow our spores around
We are still weeds struggling.
We will never infiltrate that rose bush,
We will never leave the ground.

People flock to us cause the word drops through us.
Now we're all either Buddhas or barracudas.
Lookin' through our maneuvers,  
try and out do us,
just a tumor nothing to us.
And I've been breathing so long,
lettin in light.
Try and discern when they began confusing wrong with what is right.
Wondering still how long I remain out of sight.
Perish or ****,
I just wanted to be with life.

Everything in my universe keeps tells me to erase you.
Like an interception, in the form of a phone call
From a minister just before I began writing this.
And I've considered it, tried to...but I keep getting rid of it, that idea.
I could never erase you...even if the desire were truly there.
I have been so dedicated to God lately, every second has been
like open dialogue. Where I'm babbling on to Him like I used
to do to you. I wonder if I haven't been using Him as a distraction,
like I also used to do to you. But that is neither real nor a bad thing. Just a thing I think, I guess.

So they keep telling me to erase you. Teachers, mentors, pastors,
friends, spiritual mothers, and sometimes strangers.
It just makes me feel alone mostly. How could they understand at all
if that's their conclusion? But I guess they see things through better eyes
than mine. After all, my eyes are what caused all this trouble for you and I. I mull what they say over. I really have had a good time, I promise...But there is always this thing. Snapping me back into the world that I exist in...the world you no longer exist in...Like a parachute giving me whiplash when I was floating along beautifully without it.
It's a thing like the sheet music to "What A Wonderful World" appearing out of thin air. Or pulling in to church to find you right there. And I run from these things! Hold them close...shove them in the closet under piles of things I no longer use. But they always surface.
Like someone telling me the first time I meet them about Rebecca's cheek bones. Or Don Draper's face, which I swear will be yours in about ten years or so. Even a dinner with friends can't make you disappear because inevitably they'll ask me about you at some point. Or someone won't know you've gone away. Or I'll walk through the woods...after traveling by boat, after smiling until my heart explodes to hear a whisper on the wind...of your voice. But I can't complain.
Twould be far worse a fate to suffer never hearing, seeing, thinking, or dreaming of you again.

I never thought banging on these keys until my emotions subsided would matter.

I never thought it would result in things as sweet as this.

I never thought I would ruffle feathers

I never thought I could change the world.

I never thought anyone, anywhere would read my words.

-but if you are,
Take something from it. That's why the words are there. Take hope, love, redemption, but be careful, there are those out there who don't take kindly to your happiness, sometimes I think they're everywhere.

If I could just sing these words to you.
If I could use my voice to inform you on what I went through.
If I could oohhh and ahhh, and melodically coo.
I might be able to believe I can get through.
I might let my words convince me and you,
That I know in this moment,
Exactly what to do.

I'm so thankful you see my heart.
Thankful that the world can turn away from me,
but you will never depart.
I thankful there's a home for you
on the inside of me.
Thankful that for with me
you died to be.

Thank you that I don't have to write with any rhythm.
I don't have to sing in key or on pitch,
and never have to look a certain way for you to love me.

You just do.
And I'm really trying to do the same.
I'm trying to get to the basics again.
To remember there is only One
for me.
It is you. It will always be.
My Lord and God,
the maker of my soul.
The love of my life.
There is no other.
There is no other.

Here I lie, to write again.
It is so easy, my friends,
to write of agony and of the end.
But it is much harder to soldier on,
to begin again.

I rest easy in the breezes of wind.
I don't ask why, as often
and I try not to pretend.
That there is a rhyme to each question of when,
but face honestly a blow that has been softened
by the presence of Spirit
and absence of skin.

****.****.****.
what do you do when your water
has dried up?
What do you do when it isn't enough?
Don't I have other things than us?
Because I have been working.
Haven't I?
I have been dreaming...
haven't I?
Maybe I'm just not thinking
or am I?
There's a world in your eyes.
But what lies
within
mine?
I don't see time.
You feel sublime.
And frankly,
I am tired of my own rhymes.
I pray to the Divine.
And there's something I am doing,
or not doing,
right.
AND IT IS SOMETHING
I am scared
**I CANNOT FIND.

There may come a time in your life
where friends are slim to none.
and you've got no love-
but your own
and you're more than alone
with no place called home,
and a life that's always rough.

You've got a comrade in me,
A bird of the same feather, you see
at least you aren't truly alone.
I have never had anyone, but God
and you may think it odd,
but I was just born a lonesome
*rolling stone.

Your presence is perfection.
I'm happy to be here again.
When my mind was clouded and distant,
I couldn't feel you on my skin.
I'm so thankful for these moments,
you remind me of the life you put me in.
The very breath of Heaven,
living inside my skin.
Take my thoughts,
Take my heart,
and make them like You again.

There's a lot
I don't know
There's a place
I won't go.
To the territory of the evil.
Because they seldom let go.
they open their arms
They promise no harm
But when you're looking down
Trapped in a frown
Crying out loud
They've got you
And they won't let go

You think it's better than rules
You think survival is your tool
Worshiping fools,
Don't you know?
You're better off believing
With all your being
That's someone I'd like to know

Engulfing all my senses
Every other echo evaporates into the atmosphere up here
I can smell your breath singing
Taste your loneliness swimming
Mine dives in with yours to copy your stroke
The both of us learning together how to stay afloat
Close one set of eyes to open another
In this realm of consciousness we are both brothers
Floating here forever,
The real world can certainly wait
I've felt nothing on the other side of the gate
When the dogs begin to howl and all the bells toll
I'll know that is the time in which to return home
Until then I press repeat for another lap in my head
Just five more minutes, I'm not quite ready for bed.

I caught myself tonight
in a fit of ungratefulness.
Not the worst thing in the world,
but pretty loathsome, I imagine,
to our Creator.

I noticed I missed an answered prayer.
And another right after that.
My God, I wondered to myself,
if I missed those...
how many others could
I have had?

The moral is easy,
I share it here for both you,
and myself.
Be ever thankful for every breath,
every moment,
just because it
isn't spent
in hell.

I am blooming,
into a human.

And it's consuming
I feel ruined.

I am just doing
what everyone else is doing.

Or is it truly
that insecurity is looming
overhead and I'm stewing
a girl with potential
for brewing
potions of resentment
and wrong doings.
I guess it is just me
that I am *******.
Whatever it means,
I'm through pursuing
these fruitless things
I keep doing.

Mostly, I'm just mad today.
Sad, because I don't want to live among all this pain.
Crying, because I don't know if I can ever protect all of us
from the rain.

Mad because I cannot live a life more plain.
I've got to travel in the other direction.
On the road again,
I have to strive for perfection,
to benefit my fellow man.
If it means I learned a lesson,
call it what you will.
I just hope my voice is a blessing,
and does nothing for your heart but heal.

Looking back I feel is important
'Cause in everyday life
        Things get distorted
Although I am trying to see
      Like I intend it to be
                 There
                   are
                     no
             guarentees

You wake me.
Invade me.
I am more alive
Than I have ever been
My entire life.

I used to hate oranges
Because of the mess.

I hated sticky nectar left behind on my skin.
I hated that I would wipe the excess on the clothing I was in.

I hate the peeling, ripping the orange's shell away.
I think I don't have time for all this, nor the cleanup today.

When you accidentally puncture the fruit,
another distasteful thing.

Yet I sit here today, chewing it's pulp as I type.
Realizing oranges sustain, refusing to take their characteristics as a reason to gripe.
I surrender to the orange, and all its metaphors for life.

Combined.
Piece by piece
To form something else

And something else is put
With another creation of
Something else

Which gives something
Else a meaning
Suddenly you have
Painted a picture
Of birds in the wind
Of where you've been
Of ships and pirates and
Princesses and captains

Then you build with these tools
It tells you about that boy
It tells you the state of our troubles
The world's dire need for change
Or how to bake a pie

You wonder what other
Mystical powers these things
Have. Put together on paper
Weaving imaginary battles
Incredible tales of triumph
Demanding action from political figures

A jumping heart in your throat
Remembering how good it feels
To feel you can do anything...
Remembering that doing anything
Isn't just for eight year olds
Who want to be a hero
But for the entire world to
Be reminded every now
And again

Your
          words
                    can
                        change
                                 the
                                            world.

Inhale, my world.
Try on my outlook, give it a whirl.
Break from rehearsal,
Try and be her all,
I've lived how they all fall
Never believed I would see waterfalls

And then I learned the art of climbing.

This is the thrill of sneaking into an open house,
The adrenaline you felt watching Indiana Jones,
The final frontier
And they keep it centimeters away from your finger tips, guised with fear.
Everything you need,
They will convince you you have.
Thoughts are untouchable.
Technology to make us unapproachable.
Turns us into sheep uncoachable.

I was wrong, I'm sorry, and I love you.
I hear this song, I worry, and I fear too.
That these letters I'm writing won't be well received,
that the good fight I'm fighting dies with me.
I know God has assigned me to brave these stormy seas.
Anything that finds me will have to face Thee.
And there you will guide me, Lord, your will- let it be.
I was wrong, I'm so sorry, and Lord please help them to see
I want the best for them, just like you have given me.
I pray that when they read my words it is only You they will see.
That heaven shines down and warms them through words you've given me.
Lord I have so much of Your love to give, just please do this through me.

I apologize for seeming so weird

Its just that fate has always showed me exactly I feared

If you thought that I enjoyed or reveled in the oddities

You’d be wrong, I’ve always envied the wannabees

Its the price I pay for being aware

I never cared to know this much about the truth, I deem it unfair

I feel like I’ve always wanted love

But as much as I’ve desired its not something I was made of

My life has been nothing on this side of typical

Growin up I felt my beliefs to be unsinkable

Then she broke all my understanding of reality

Mom showed me life was anything you wanted it to be

And I don’t know if that was for good or bad

I started pushing the envelope just to see what I really had

Could you love me if I really did this?

Probably but I would never tell you, keeping secrets balled inside my fists

They would only explode when they hit

But no one ever saw, I was my only friend when I had to get through the hell of it

Years have passed I may be getting over it

But I still feel as empty as the day I fell inside this ****

If my message couldn’t be anymore clear

I feel like its been a mistake since the day I got here

And I can’t emphasize how much I die every time I go to a lifeless job that leaves us more blind

I see the soulless look inside your eyes and I wonder if you could pinpoint which moment in your life you died

I’m not saying that I’m perfect in any shape or form

I often wish God wouldn’t have wasted this life on someone so **** to under preform

I don’t know what it is I’m living for

The jist of what I’m meaning is there has to be so much more

We have to believe that what we do matters

Because if it had no meaning we’d just be a bunch of unpaid actors

Going through the day to day, trying to grab as much pleasure that comes your way

And I feel sorry for those who think that’s what its about

Who feel that nothing happens when the light inside you goes out

And once again, I don’t pretend to know it all

But I know this much, there’s a lot of undiscovered life inside of ya’ll.