I hate the way I think about you constantly
Even when I shouldn’t.
I hate it when you don’t text back
Even when I know you’re busy.
I hate the way your smile lights my soul
Even when you aren’t here.
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate the way you’re not around
Even when you can’t be found.
I hate it when you hid you feelings
Even when you’ve already showed me a glimpse.
I hate the way I act right now
Even when I should stand my ground.
I hate the way I despise you
Even when I am falling for you deeply.

Spinning, gninnips, spinning, gninnips, spinning….
The world keeps spinning…
Out
      Of
          Control
While I am standing
                                   STILL.

Some people
Cut you
Just to
Watch you bleed…
So why
Can’t bandaids
Fix
Bullet holes?
They are
All you
Leave behind.
Now I
Know…

I used to think the moon followed me everywhere I went.
Like a beacon of light guiding me to where I needed to be.
Now as I sit in this car looking a the man in the moon asking,

Where to next?

That weekend was unlike anything else.
The music.
The sights.
The touches.
The laughter.
The feeling.

My lips still tremble at the thought of yours pressed against mine.
They stretch in a smile when I think about oatmeal now.
They burn when I think about your skin.

My hands trace this keyboard like they are tracing your skin; lightly and hungry.
They tingle when I think about your hands in mine.
They crave for more. More.

My eyes search for yours in the night, to see your peaceful face.
They roam the skies looking for a glimmer of you.
They gaze into the future in hopes you'll still be there.

That weekend was unlike any other. I cant wait for many more with you...
but now I wait and long for you, yet I feel like I am the only one yearning for the other...
still uncertain of your feelings but I know mine and that gives me hope.

As it came for me to leave this place,
All I could think about was your loving embrace,

You were growing further and further apart,
Shattering my heart,

So I decided to put my love on the line,
But I guess I was out of time,

I left and you stayed never knowing how I felt,
How you made me melt,

So I wrote a letter,
I should have known better,

Yet I wrote that letter and hit send,
Hoping that my heart could mend,

You left me questioning,
Everything unanswered,
Always wondering how you felt,
Never knowing the possibility of us.

Before I met you “love” was just a word to me. A word filled with false hope and lies. I was never the little girl that prayed every night for her perfect prince to come along. Even at a young age I knew better than to believe that there was such a thing as a “perfect” prince. In middle school, I gagged over the romantic movies that my friends were constantly obsessing over because I knew that I didn’t need anyone but myself and that a love like those in the movies just didn’t exist. In high school, I began to convince myself that I didn’t need anyone but myself and my family. And then you happened.
Somewhere in between the chaos that’s called my life, fate brought me to you. I fell in love with the fact that you were far, far, from perfect yet in my eyes you came pretty **** near close. There was something about your flaws that fit so perfectly with mine and I fell in love with all the things that you hated about yourself. And just like that, my opinion of love and how I should live my life changed.
This is the part of the letter where I pour my heart out and try to explain how I feel and what your love means to me. I keep finding myself writing a few words and then deleting them over and over again. I now realize that love simply cannot be explained. It’s so much more complex than that. But then again what in life isn’t more complex than what we think. Hell, even the smartest group of chemists and philosophers cannot explain what I feel. I can sit here and try, yet I would never be able to accurately describe the butterflies I get when I’m with you or how time seems to slow when you’re not. How my heart races at the mention of your name or the way I hate to say I love you when I know you don’t love me the same.
Back then love used to be such a blurry concept, and now it’s the only thing in this crazy world that makes since. You make me crave something that I didn’t believe actually existed. And suddenly every song was about you. I couldn’t escape the through of you no matter where I went. I heard you in the wind, on the radio, in the rustling of the leaves, and in between the gasps of my breath. Honestly you’re still not a perfect man or a prince, but your something better than that; you’re real. Perfectly imperfect in all the right ways. So thank you for changing my views on the world, for understanding my flaws, and for being the only person who can send me to new levels of utter happiness.
When I speak to my future daughter about the one that got away I’ll immediately think of you. You are the man I will be talking about when I am 80 years old. They boy with stars for eyes and the devilish smile. She will ask me why I never married you and I will tell her that I never had the courage to admit my feelings for you because I was afraid that in your eyes I was just your kid sister. I will tell her no one has ever intimidated me as much as you did and that the more I fell for you the more steps backwards I took. Till eventually I had lost you. You are the man I will tell her about when I encourage her to go all out for her love and tell the boy she loves how she feels before it’s too late. To wear her heart on her sleeve because life is too short to be scared of her feelings. You are the man who has always been everything I ever wanted and needed when I did not know what I needed. You are the man I will forever carry in my heart and soul.
But I don’t want to always be wondering “what if…” 10 years down the road. All I know is I am here and this is now and I’d rather give it a shot and tell you my heart now than to sit and think wistfully about this moment when I am 80 years old like I stated above. So finally after five crazy years here it is, I love you, and I think a part of me always will.

The song Not In That Way by Sam Smith explains what I cannot.

Thank you for being my friend, my person to turn to, my first love. I am leaving but I couldn’t leave without finally getting it all out there. Now I can finally be free and live my life.

Maybe it was all a dream,
Maybe you weren't what you seemed,
That I was lost in the translation,
That you were just ready to move on.

Maybe I was blinded,
Maybe your thoughts were jumbled,
That you didn't realize what you did,
That you never loved me,

Or maybe you are that guy,
Maybe it turned out to be the reality,
That I wasn't stupid,
That you cared and was kind,

Maybe you knew what your feelings were,
Maybe you didn't know how to communicate them,
That I was right on track,
That you actually loved me.

Maybe its just not the time.
Maybe we'll never get forever.
Maybe it'll be us against the world.
Maybe you'll realize that I love you.
Maybe I'll realize you love me.
Maybe we will go our separate ways.
Maybe we will find each other again.
Maybe you will die never knowing.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

This is where my journey begins. Where my life starts because the life I live now will define who I am. The scars in the past will never mean anything if I don't become something greater... If I don't become a fighter. If this was the end for me then I want to go in peace, content with the life I lived because it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I'm a girl who doesn't mind being alone, sometimes I crave it. I like curling up on the couch with a book, its away to be who I want and forget the world. I love having a good adventure and exploring. I have traveled the world and one day hope to do it again. Life is a beautiful thing when you make it out to be. I just hope my last breath is a sigh of relief.

People can be so complex given who they are, yet when you think about it we can be really simple. People just don't see the obvious or the good. A lot like love. You can be in a relationship for two years and feel absolutely nothing; you could be in a relationship for two weeks and feel absolutely everything. Love cannot possibly be measured yet it's so simple. You can choose to see the obvious or the good and you can choose to see the bad. You can also choose to see and accept both, because both the good and the bad are in everything. You can become blind and not see it at all but what would be the fun in that?

A percentage and a letter define you.
Your parents reprimand you for that one letter.
Your future is conceived from those percentages.
Life as you know it from ages 6-18 you are defined by a letter and a percentage.

**** percentages and letters.
Let YOU define YOU!

**** you. You give me that feeling. You know. The one they write about and make movies about. But you don't have that feeling and you have her. So why the hell do you make me feel this way? **** you.

Me, myself, and I.

I'm crazy, I'm dysfunctional, I'm me.
I am bubbly, I am loud, I am me.
I'm sassy, I'm rude, but I'm just me.
I am kind, I am loving, but I am just me.

I can be understanding, I can be stubborn, I can be me.
I can't be perfect, I can't be you, I can be me.
I can be pretty, I can be natural, I can be me.
I can't be a genius, I can't be Einstein, I can be me.

Me, Myself, and I.

I am not you, I am not her, I am not him. I am ME.
I am  not sorry that I'm not perfect.
I am  not sorry that I'm a ***** up.
Deal with it. I am me.

All my life
Been running from a pain in me
A feeling I don't understand
Holding me down

Rain on me
Underwater
All I am, getting harder
A heavy weight
I carry around.

Today
I don't have to fall apart
I don't have to be afraid
I don't have to let the damage
consume me,
My shadow see through me

Fear in itself
Will reel you in and spit you out
Over and over again
Believe in yourself
And you will walk
Fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
like you were never enough
I used to fall, now I get back up.

I'm up here
I'm looking at the way down there
I'm staring through the I don't care
It's staring back at me

The beauty is
I'm learning how to face my beast
Starting now to find some peace
Set myself free

Today,
I don't have to fall apart
I don't have to be afraid
I don't have to let the damage
consume me,
My shadow see through me

Fear in itself
Will reel you in
And spit you out over and over again
Believe in yourself
and you will walk
Fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
like you were never enough
I used to fall but now I get back up

I'm moving on
Oh god just move on
Today,
I don't have to fall apart
I don't have to be afraid....
Get back up
Get up

Fear in itself will use you up
And break you down just like you're
never enough
I used to fall

Breathe,
Ask for more
if you're bitter still
Ask him to help you carry on.

This dream is a dream that makes my heart ache. It hurts so much because deep deep inside of me I know it will never happen. He will never love me that way. This dream; well I want it to be my future, my life, my soul. I know its silly to love someone this much when you are just so young; but its the best kind of love. He is the light at the end of the tunnel, my sun, my air, my every being in my body. He is the reason why I carry on. I do not know why he came into my life and made me fall so madly, truly, deeply in love with him but it happened and I did. What is the purpose of him coming into my life giving me such love yet such hot searing pain? No matter who says differently he will always be my first real love; no matter what happens down the road we call life. I will love him forever and always; to the moon and back.

*"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep."

You  say you love me. You say you care. Then why do you do the things you do?Why do you change moods so easily then bring everyone down with you? Why do you brake what has been given to you? Why do you use these words?

When you say you love me, when you say you care; I can see it in your eyes. The secret lies and betrayals. You said you would stop; you never did. I want you to be there for my wedding in the future, I want you to see your future grand babies. Do you want to see them too? Or are you just too selfish?

You say that you love me, and that you care. But why do you want to leave us? Why do you think we will be better without you? Can't you see my heart is breaking? Or are you too selfish to see?

I love you
I've loved you all along
I needed you to stay
But I need to stay headstrong.

Not only for my siblings, but for me as well

I prayed, I prayed for you to stay alive...

Harper needs you
Dan needs you
Amber needs you
Deb needs you
I need you
We all do...

We drove all night
we didn't even get a bite
We drove all day
Just to see if you were okay
But... we brought you bouquets to say our goodbyes
I thought you would never leave us
When I see a picture of you I cry...

Inside or out I cry
I didn't want to say goodbye
But I did, and now you are in a better place
Still, it seems like I need  your embrace to help keep me up

But I still love you
I've loved you all along
I am staying headstrong.

I mess up, I don't fix it...
I loose it, I try to find it but don't...
I loved you, but you never did...
I try, you never notice...
I cry, you don't care...
I let you down, my heart breaks...
My heart breaks, no one is here to mend it...
I let you down, I let myself down...


I will never be good enough, you know that.

If you knew I love you, would your heart change its beat?
If you knew how many nights I have stayed awake thinking of you, would you think of me too?
If you knew how many times I reread the words "I will always hold you close to my heart, no matter what.", would you reread mine too?
If you knew I cry over the fact that you're gone, would you come back?
If you knew that I put you up on one of my highest pedestals, would you rethink yours?
If you knew I hear those five words in my head constantly, would you hear them too?
If you knew how many times I have longed for your embrace, would you say you long for mine too?

Our last days with each other were magical and filled with love for me, were they for you too?
       That move star hug, oh you know which one. The one where you were strutting down the senior walk out line filled with people and you just stopped about 6 yards away from me. Looked me straight in the eyes and opened your loving arms, not caring about your long time buddies on the side screaming your name. I booked it down that line of loud, sweaty, standing in shock teenagers and collapsed in your arms. You picked me up, spun me around, and with tears in your eyes you whispered those five words that changed my life forever... "I will always love you.". Do you remember now?
       At your graduation party I was a goner. My mother came and talked to yours while I went down and said my final goodbyes. "It's never goodbye Big Sean." You whispered in my ear as I gave you a final hug. My mother was behind me when you said that. And when we got back in the car the first thing she said was "That boy loves you, I can see it in his eyes." finally it seamed like I wasn't dreaming and someone else noticed it too. They way you look at me rather than everyone else, even your girlfriend.

So do you see why my heart aches for you to come back, to love me?
If you knew I love you, would your heart change its beat?
If you knew how many nights I have stayed awake thinking of you, would you think of me too?
If you knew how many times I reread the words "I will always hold you close to my heart, no matter what.", would you reread mine too?
If you knew I cry over the fact that you're gone, would you come back?
If you knew that I put you up on one of my highest pedestals, would you rethink yours?
If you knew I hear those five words in my head constantly, would you hear them too?
If you knew how many times I have longed for your embrace, would you say you long for mine too?
                                                            ­       Please say you'll do...

What am I doing?
Why am I here?
Can you answer me that?
What is my purpose in this life?
Why do you need me?
Can you answer me that?
What do I need to do to full fill my place?
Why can you never answer me?

When I am lost and don't know the next step,
Why do you feel the need to pick up my pieces?
Tick toc on the clock, time is running out
I'm already in my years where I need to decide.
So what shall it be?
Who shall I become?
Will I be worth wild?
Will I make the right choice?

So...

What am I doing?
Why am I here?
Can you answer me that?
What is my purpose in this life?
Why do you need me?
Can you answer me that?
What do I need to do to full fill my place?
Why can you never answer me?

Who will be my knight in shinning armor?
Maybe I won't have one...Maybe I will...
Will he have blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes? Or will he have brown flowing locks and chocolate brown eyes?
Will he be tall or short? Rich or poor?
            Will that even matter?
If I find my knight will he swoop me off my feet?
Will he stay with me forever? Will he be mine and I his? Will he come or will I have to save myself? Should I search for him or should he find me? Will he go to school with me or will we meet when I'm traveling the world...
Will he be my best friend? Will he save me from the darkness I feel inside? Will I meet him at all? Will we die in peace together?
             Do I have to change to find the love of my life?
Will he be my prince and I his princess?
Will he hold me when life crumbles down or will he be the reason I need to be held in the first place?

So where are you my knight? Where are you now? Can't you see I need you? That I need to be held, that I'm lost and need to be found?
I need to be brought back to life and that's where you come in...
             Will you come rescue me?
Do I have to save myself?
What if I'm not strong enough? Will I die alone and unhappy just because you never came? Will you break my heart? Can I be found... Can I be fixed? Can you mend this broken heart? Can you be here for me and I for you?
Will you EVER see me? The True me? If you really were my knight in shining armor wouldn't you see? My prince.. my love? Who will you be?

Will it be you?