last summer
I met a boy of 6 feet tall
he is two years older than me
he listens to punk rock
has an alcoholic father,
and his kisses
are sweeter than honey
and softer than silk

we spent countless, long, dreamy
cold, rainy, humid
nights
in my backyard
with the smell of too much hairspray
which I can not bring myself to smell again
and mosquito spray which I never apply anymore
11pm
4am
the hours passed by like minutes, seconds

under the stars
telling secrets
I was scared
scared of losing him
even though he was already lost

fading
disapearing
slowly and then all at once

hallways
silence
stares
me alone
him and her

11pm
4am
hours seem like eternitys, milleniums
crying
flashbacks
thinking about the us that will never be
blood spills on the paper
spelling out your words, promises
do I even cross his mind
maybe  probably not  no

I'm sorry I wasn't
skinny
pretty
funny
admirable
good
enough

I'm sorry

we didn't even say goodbye

goodbye, Brandan

Do you want to keep your tears?
No, I want them all out.
I'll keep them for you*

~Love

Getting my thoughts together
I wonder what it takes
To bring together all the emotions that flood inside of me
That can barely scratch the surface.

When I see people able to pen their thoughts
I struggle to understand, how they can
Cause for me, words are puny translators
for they cannot even fathom, the burst of what I feel inside

Even though I close my eyes and try to remember
What I was going to write, Words clearly fail me
and I drift on to distant shores

It seems just like yesterday when you held my hand
And my eyes beheld your love so clearly
Deeply embedded within my heart
I could feel your tangibility though physically miles apart.

I struggle with words and this is something new
Cause I never felt a loss of words before
For something that I always knew.

Knowing you is still not sufficient,
cause I feel so much I need to know
It is funny how I know you inwardly
though externally, there none to show.

You may speak your words of pretense
And set up a strong defense
But I know you truly and what you are longing for

You want a word of comfort
You desire a moment of joy
You desire to find a friend
Who would comfort you day and night

You need someone to supplement
The burst of emotions you feel
You are so trapped because
you don't know how to heal.

Come walk into my arms
Cause I am waiting for you
Gather you tenderly and shelter you anew.

But you see, this is exactly what I fear
Cause my words may not be that clear
And betray my sense of helplessness
For the choice of words I use!

Somewhere inside of you
There is a small boy too

A boy who wants to be loved
A boy who wants his hair to be ruffled
Who lost his childhood
Only remembers his struggle

A boy whose eyes still hold
Dreams that he once cherished
Dreams that help him soar
Above his agony so un-bearish

He held on to that piece of sanity
Hoping his dreams would soon become a reality
Before long, the world and its wisdom came knocking on his door
Woke him out of his slumber
Shattered his tower and covered in fear!

So he now hides behind, doors made of steel
Reinforced with ideas that he's built his reserve
He doesn't need your love
He doesn't need your smile
You see his attitude is enough to suffice.

But catch him when he's down and defenseless
And you'll see the glimpse of a child so helpless
Who is longing and yearning to be accepted by you
With arms stretched out simply crying silent tears
One who'll never tell you his worst fears.

It takes that kind of woman to see through his facade
The strong walls of his towers are crumbling again
But he fears this loss, his control over his sanity
Its not long before, his succumbs to his frailty.