she was as the smell of smoke,
clinging to my fingertips.
a linger of reckless abandon.
she was always the first ****,
burning my throat as i inhale.
fingertips, trailing constellations,
sweat glistening as the smoke coils.

i need fresh air.
but my lungs are black,
and i cannot breathe unaided.

I look for you in the sun rise,
Your face in cloud formation.
I feel your kiss as the light crests,
Your soul shining on the horizon.

Yet the sun does not warm my skin,
The way your breath warms my face;
You holding my head in your hands,
As we lock in our embrace.

crashing waves, a siren call
though i don't need it, not at all
i come to you, my black abyss
pull me under, as i dehisce

i won't see you mourn for me
as i become the salt of the sea

I want to be loved like the sea,
When I'm a tropical blue, and respected
For my tumultuous depths.

Love me like the sea.
Come, bathe in me when I am warm and
Gaze down into me when I am crystal.

Love me still when I am murky.
Come, find beauty in my roaring waves and
Keep your bow forward when I am stormy.

Love me like the sea.
Watch, see how I can kiss the shore or
See how I can beat my fist against it.

Yes, I want to be loved like the sea.
For the sun shines on my surface,
Yet darkness lurks within.

Extinguished beneath the pressure of stifling darkness;
the blackness a behemoth caressing me with oil slick fingers.
Bound with shackles of my own forging,
chained to the dank confinement of shame with iron bracelets made up of every hurt I felt, each sting I’d inflicted.

Comforted by the weight of my own disease, dragging me down deeper into the depths of myself;
swarmed by demons cutting slices of me for their devouring.
Blistered fingers claw at the dirt, broken nails taking insignificant strongholds in the battle.
New shackles being forced into place where old ones were severed, cutting new wounds where old ones were healed.

Then, a searing light burns through the airless tomb where I lay,
my sweat still glistening in the after hours of my latest debasement.
Eyes burning, unaccustomed to the phosphorescent glow after years of stapling them shut to the vision of horror I became.
A new tsunami of dishonour throws me back, twisting my shackles tighter around bound limbs.

Now I am free and live to feel the sun on my skin, no longer translucent and sallow.
Each sound and sensation sending ripples of pleasure through my soul, but still
I limp, and my wrists are scarred.

It started with a kiss.

A burn of acid across my cheek,
It's poisoned implication:
"Here, this is the woman you seek."

It followed with thirty pieces,

The weight cumbrous in hand.
Your wine and bread so exquisite,
Suddenly fell flat, turned to sand.

It climaxed with Damascus,

Truth a blinding light across my eyes.
I'd betrayed all I am for silver,
Cheered as you shaped my demise.

It ended with a field of blood.

My innards spilled onto the ground,
Blooded hands foraging:
"I was lost but now I'm found."

I do not know how she lived,
Nor how she came to die.
Was she fair, or strong as iron
I cannot say but I

Stand above her, pondering her history.

Caroline. Buried lovingly,
Under tombstone of ivory
Now here she lay, to rest a day
Covered in tangled ivy.

The land taking claim of the cemetery.

How could He not keep you, once He’d had a glimpse,
Of your incredible light and the supernova of your existence?
It would be selfish to think that we could hold onto you,
When your very heart was larger than all we know.

How could He not keep you, once He’d had you near,
Once he’d heard you sing His praises in reverence and joy?
It would be foolish to think that any being could know
Such a beautiful soul, and let it slip away.

How could He not keep you, once He’d seen your Grace,
Your gentleness and kindness, the way you showed us love?
It would be dishonesty to say that, all being said,
I wouldn’t have done the same.

How could anyone not love you, once they knew your soul,
The way you ran after Jesus, the way you inspired life in us all?
It would be a darker world had you not been in it,
If you had not walked alongside us, a breath of glorious sunshine.

We prayed that you would open your eyes,
But you opened them in Heaven.

There she stood delphic in the night’s mist,
Bewitching, with beauty not seen afore.
Hair black as the raven and thick as the forest;
Her emerald eyes glistening in the light of her mother.

For she is the daughter of moon and tide,
Forever purged of shackles and earthly ties.
Betrothed to the woods she wanders wild,
With the sounds of panting breath and ethereal cries.

Padding lightly now; through the night she’ll roam,
Extended claws gripping the rain drenched mud.
From her mouth secrets form in spit and foam,
Baring fangs – a wraith of white baying for blood.

Her cheeks flushed to the colour of damask,
Haunched on slender hinds for her nightly prowl;
Hunting down the sun, she would devour at each dusk.
For she was the wolf, and to the moon she’ll howl.

I’m trying to hold onto you,
Like rain in my hands.
But you slip, through the spaces between my fingers,
And the deluge is so heavy, and you sting my skin.
I cannot see through the rain in my eyes,
And my bones chatter with the chill,
But still I hold out my palms -
I try to fill them
I am so thirsty
I mustn’t spill
A single

Drop.

I began carrying my regrets with me,
stuffed into plastic bags.

A heavy drag on my shoulders,
handles digging into my palms.

At least it would be easy to suffocate myself with them.

tell me not to run
back to fields of daisies,
now scorched by the sun.

tell me not to mourn
the silken sky of night
now breaking into dawn.

tell me not to hold
the pieces of silver,
you’re turning into gold.

tell me to be quiet
and hear Your new journey,
whispered to me in private,

tell me to be still
basking in Your presence,
and bending to Your will.

i went to write, to spill
my soul onto the page.

word prediction stopped me,
dead in my tracks.

two words it gave me,
capitalised. full.

Depressive Disorder.

phones know too much about us,
these days.

You’re a force of nature.

I am the city that trembles and falls to your earthquake; you shake my core and leave me breathless -

It’s in the way I shatter and come undone, around the hurricane of you.
The most welcome frenzy; you lift me into the air and spin me.
My mind blown out.

You’re the tsunami that washes me away,
When your weight bears down on me.
My city falls to it every time; I am submerged in your every touch.
Soaking for you.

I am a tree ablaze, bending and crackling to your will.
Your touch leaves scorches on my skin; burning, heating me up on the inside -

I run to dance in you, to fall at the splendour of your storm.
Struck by blinding flashes of your beauty; thunder in my head under my skin.

But I am the volcano, I erupt.

A fire can roar and annihilate,
It flickers and fades into embers
Sometimes a fire needs to go out.

A fire can purge and cleanse,
It cauterises and sears into new life
Sometimes a fire needs to ignite.