it began with eye contact,
it proceeded with a kiss.

turned into a mouth shut tight.
and a hand that didn’t want to write.
drowning in  d e n i a l.
knowing very well it could only spew the truth:

the you i painted in poems,
a truth that would never exist.

it eventually resurfaced with pain.
piercing sadness masked with a burning anger.

it continued with pain.

it ended with only more poems.
but not of you,
of hope.
of love for myself.
for my strength.
for rescuing myself.
and for finally realizing
that you never could.    

--

and yet here i am:
post-pain,
post-hatred,
post-you.
still writing poems about it.
just so that i can be free to feel something else.
there is still anger—
but only such that is reflected unto myself.
for trusting someone who never even earned it.
for loving someone who never even did.

i know now:
the poems i wrote about you
are better than you ever will be.
gave me more than you ever could.
a monster i painted as a savior.
one poem. at a time.

my words are pure,
& you could never take that away from me.
my words,
they only saw the best in you.
the small, minuscule sliver that shined brighter than the rest of you.
insignificant in theory.
but something my words could turn into beauty.

…painting you as everything i wanted you to be.
ignoring the thorns.
and the poison.
that you stuck me with.
which only grew stronger
and more prominent with time.
only to ultimately destroy me.
quieted my words.
because the sliver of you was now gone.
the thorns and the poison were all that were.
existing only to ultimately subdue me.
the savior finally revealed as a monster.
but i could not get out.

for three years you poisoned me.
dug your thorns into me deeper and deeper.
i was stuck and pricked so many times
my skin was permanently blood red,
covered in scars.
squeezing my bones
that could take no more.
shackled to a love that was never a love,
a person that was never a person.
a form of exile.
******* the beauty out of my name.
a voice that could only make my skin crawl.
my sense of trust ripped to shreds.  
a trust that will never be the same.

but from horror,
from trauma,
from violence,
from pain,
i gave birth to strength.
manifested a jail cell
into intoxicating
freedom.

kiss the loneliness your heart feels
the forever pain
that is really not forever
it’s okay
if you used to love a bed
a home
that isn’t there anymore
it’s okay
to feel small  
it’s okay
to hate yourself
the longing you feel
needs a smile
and your kisses
will make you realize
the different existences
that were once a broken home
sad and hurt
are not just an innocent human
a soul full of wonder
a moment moving slowly
that leaves your arms
not so lonely
anymore

it is better to forget the lonely
to stop holding the form’s presence
in sadness
in a hope that seems to be constantly
far from the surface
but comes in
tasting like water
instead of blood
looking like a lovely warmth
and perfection
that can only be found through tears
and a certain touch
aching fingers
outside the breadth of the home
reaching closer
to a new, sure death
changing into kind, sweet branches
that quietly beckon stronger reasons
for living
and finally
your bones will believe
that they exist to be soft
under their flesh
and that dreams are able to actually
exist outside of despair
outside of rain
and outside of fear and blood

in sleep,
you lay
open
letting the night sky
grow emptiness into
a joy
an infinite dream
an ocean of poems
an idea,
a voice,
falling from the stars
and kissing you on the cheek
laying flowers beside you
gazing lovingly at your faults
your love
and your presence
there is always a sorrow and a darkness
a sense with a constant wish
to sit on your chest
making it hard to breathe
toxic smoke
twirling around your nostrils
making a home out of your lungs
but if you listen
if you listen
there is a loving cleanliness
that is stronger
beating ever brighter
watching as you rest
and imagining the sunlight
that your eyes will create
whispering the safe word
and it is all going to be okay
breaking down the great walls that surround your heart
the room that holds the ways to no longer have to guess
the room that holds all of the answers you long to possess
finding dead parts along the way
signs of only having lived and survived
wandering around the room
realizing the walls really are gone
and oh no—what is going to happen to your heart now
the aching feeling in your stomach
is no match to the power and purity that is to come
meet me at the window
you will lose your breath
but there will be a true escape
full of a growing stardust
and stability
that will put shame to the label that reads “fragile: handle with care.”
and you will ask yourself,
but is this a window or a mirror?
and then you will realize that this question is the point of everything
alluring the tongue of the hidden rays
that shines onto a finally revealed trust
thrusting itself upon your shoulders
and you cannot ignore it now.
a deeply powerful realm
that you have fought so tirelessly to find
reflections will always be reflections
but reality is never a constant
it will be hard to prevent yourself from rebuilding the walls
but take a deep breath
revel in the lightness you feel
and do not forget to remind yourself of the burden of its opposite
it will be even harder to grasp this new feeling
this new reality
but it whispers to you
endless
moonlight running through your veins
illuminating your beautifully constructed being
there is no reason to mourn the loss of so much dead weight
the heavy shadows that have finally drifted away
and soon,
once you awake
you will realize it wasn’t just a dream
the reflection will disappear
only to become a reality
and i promise
i promise
you deserve this beaming experience
that is burning with comfort
and entities pulling love into your fingertips
the intense knowledge that you awake with
the truth floating all around you
will embrace you in its arms
and there won’t be any more questions
but an early thirst to continue to chase after this luster
with a surrounding magnitude
that grows stronger off your heartbeat
and in the morning
when the flowers are still there
the anxiety will not be
and you will gracefully arise
an unknown entity
with a force so powerful
no words will be uttered
but spoken unknown
embracing continuously
what it feels like
to be so
free.

our love is,
dreary morning eyes
& the sun peeking through
mouths that still reek of dreams,
& smiles that soothe

our love is foggy windows
& sweaty bodies
the scent of your skin
& the scent of mine
nights that slip away
& the star above that shines

our love is smooth words
& voices still tainted by sleep
faces painted with smiles
& kisses that make you weak

our love is the position only
our bodies know
the entire continent of us
a map connecting fate
pure feeling
& a vulnerability that feels safe

our love is watching 80s music videos in bed
entangled & innate
laughing just because
it is something to appreciate

our love is adventure-filled days
& treasured memories to keep
a feeling deep within
as our hearts take a leap

our love is a method of praise
your presence like heaven
lost in a blissful daze
i wonder, all of my life, where have you been?

I like this day.
The 17th day, of the 4th month of the year.
I am thinking of you still.
I have been drunk the majority of today,
And that is more or so the truth.

But more the less, I am perfectly okay.
The flight attendant, she noticed my youth,
But she paid for my drink anyway…
I am the only “young one” in this booth.
The middle, it strays emptily.
But I am coming home today…
And I can only hope that I see you soon.
For it is you, who makes me swoon.
If only I could see you…tonight, or any day as soon.

You do not respond, to my dismay.
Here I am, upon the plane.
It is you who makes me sane.
For I’d rather write of you,
Than wait for you to…
Respond to my text of so excitement.
For it is only you who creates incitement.

I stole the crackers and the peanuts from him beside me
He hasn’t awoken, however, I wonder if he would blame me.
Asleep, asleep, sweet dreams does he keep.
And then there’s me, who won’t dare fall asleep.
For I will,
Keep writing poems…
Until I desperately reek of raw &
True emotions.
Until I know that you are mine to keep,
However, until then, your love will continue to move oceans.

From me to yours,
What more could I ask?
This is far more than a love fueled by mere task
Of me and yours and our love combined too…bliss is bliss
And I love you,
I do.

By: Evynne Doue

I could tell you what I think
But most don't care to listen
I try not to waste my time on people like that
Because why would I?
There are people who will literally **** all of the energy out of you
Treating you like a sponge when you are really a sun
There's no remedy for people like this
And they're everywhere
Hidden predators in a pasture full of succulent prey
Which way did they come from?
We may never know.

I am a bright and burning sun and I radiate positive energy from my core
It extends millions of miles outside of me
I am desirable in that aspect
Fueling the thirst of treacherous thieves who can't survive without me
I am precious in that aspect
And you'd think they'd treat me as so
But greed is greed, a viscious and disgusting monster which only continuously grows stronger
And I cannot save them.

I know what it's like to be brave enough to offer your whole self to the world
Glistening energy and all
Only to have it tarnished and chased after by those whose only desire is to take and to take

I am too much in the same way that I am never enough.

I am always getting taken from.
But I do not cry because I am like this
I am whole and perfect and special no matter how much they try to take from me
For I am constantly filling back up
And burning ever brighter.  

I cry for those who aren't a sun,
But a thunderous black hole.
How they must suffer.
I cry for them because that is the only thing left to do
And at least they won't try to consume these tears of mine too
But yet, I hope to water them as so...
Thinking that maybe, someday, they might bloom into a flower, which eventually transforms into a sun.

But I am a dreamer.
And what's done is done.

By: Evynne Doue

Imagine an idea
That is screaming and golden
Growing special
Each day

The weight of my existence was harder to handle
A clean grace that remained
Through the night
I started to run for some reason
And the sensation was strange
But no one noticed
I closed my eyes
And painted the canvas that sits
On the backs of my eyelids
With bright hues
Of all of my favorite colors
Swirls of red, blue, pink, yellow, purple and green
The colors are calming and only
Propel me forward
Now the streets are changing colors
And my breath is getting heavier

In the middle,
The streets become wider
Turning in circles
And I want to blame
Someone
Or something
But I am done being bitter
And beating myself up all the time
I am smiling now
At all of the beautiful and colorful things
Manifesting right in front of my eyes

There is a ***** bliss
And my mind is more attentive
I do not feel as though I need to continue searching,
Letting all of the aching wondering swirl up and around me
Invading my pure and unconscious thoughts
Making me feel like an evil little mess
And then I remind myself that I am my own worst critic

There are frequent,
But completely unknown,
Voices that exist inside of my thoughts
They're not always nice to each other either
They all talk at the same time
And it gets really confusing
They're rarely quiet
But when they are,
The hollowness is not comfortable

As I run,
The voices seem to be talking faster and louder
And I want it all to stop

It feels like my loneliness is spurting out of me in colorful hues like warm gurgling blood  
And I belong to a precious experience
Possessing a knowledge and a passion that was released into my innocence as a youth
Now that my innocence has diminished,
The passion and the knowledge have changed shape
But they are more prominent
Stronger and more powerful than ever before

There are flames on the mountaintops as I stand below them
A stranger laughs and the sunshine glints perfectly atop my twisted and stained fingertips
My wounds have been shed
The rage that was once poison has transformed
Despite the depths of the secret monster that lives inside of me
Hanging despair up by clothespins
I know that the void is fading

Tender wisdom as the greatest killing machine and strings like puppets with no imagination
Respect as a season
That is stuck and stained
Higher
Reaching the horizon
Understanding the changing stream of colors and voices alike

Courage as thunder
Rough weather,
But a beautiful outcome
Kissing the smoothing madness
That swims inside of me daily
Travelling strangers repeating humanity
The mystery is painful
The company is invisible
She'll perfectly fade and disappear and though you will be sad,
You must not forget that it will all be beautiful
And perfect

The ****** ancient curse
And the hidden nasty beast
Have conversations that rhyme
But the gods shine down speaking infinitely
Begging for me to destroy the shell
And fill the holes
Brush off the dirt
And swallow the moonlight

Delicate fields of flying pink petals surround me
The chaos is twice as intense
But never forget that one must
Have chaos burning within them
To give birth to a shining star

By: Evynne Doue