sometimes
my eyes wander to people
and i think
does anybody really know

who do you think you are
walking this fragile earth
and preaching the lies of centuries
telling the people of a treachery

you rely the world on this feeling
when it is nothing but fleeting in a world of change
you think that this is salvation
when it will abandon you

because this is far too human
too sweet in the mornings
all coffee and sunlight and soft music
and too bitter in the moonlight
all scratches on skin and empty screams and tears

all too human
that in every day it morphs into something unfamiliar
this feeling we hold so high
this feeling we crave to drown in

and the centuries that we have wasted in search of such
we were blind to the real force that pushes us over the edge
we have denied ourselves the truth for the longest time
it is now that we need to see

that this world does not allow for the existence of love
the very thing that wars were fought over and bonds were created
and it is only a passion that drives us
to our beginnings or to our ends

the thing about us is
we're on the verge of something
something beautiful? maybe
something disastrous? maybe

the thing about us is
it wasn't always like this
how could i have known
the day you told me your name
that someday i would always remember it?

and you were there
you were there when i cried
you were there when i laughed
you were there when i had all the stories
so i am not used to you being absent

and i was there
when everything was unfair
when the world seemed to hate you
when there was nowhere left to run

and in the way that things are
it all got messed up
the very day i stared at my ceiling
and i knew that it was you

and the thing is
it rarely ever works out the way we want it to
it rarely ever gives us the chance

but if i was allowed
if circumstances were different
i would have found you again
and i would have told you every word
and i would have drawn every line for you

but the thing is
i will stay where i am right now
i know where i stand
and it is not by your side
holding your hand

if there is anything in this world that I know
it is that sadness doesn’t just leave
it prefers to hang itself on my almost-sure shoulders
it prefers to kiss my knuckles when I am at peace

if there is anything in this world that I know
it is that darkness doesn’t disappear during the day
it loves sneaking into the cracks in my troubled thoughts
it loves the solace of my empty bones

if there is anything in this world that I know
it is that nothing will ever be quiet for me
there are the words I shove back down my windpipe
there are the blue symphonies crying for me

but then again
there are early-morning greetings
and the promise of a cup of coffee that I won’t touch
the chill of the morning seeping into my pajamas with the stars

then again
there are tangles of phrases between my fingers
and the music of leaves dancing
the sun turning my eyes into different worlds

then again
there’s your shadow on the vandalized walls of this city
and the tilt of your smile that I’ve tattooed somewhere in my mind
the tug of your hands on my wrists


so for days that I stopped counting
all that I was sure of was the way I belonged in the crook of your neck
I felt the uncertainty unclasp itself from my spine
the choke of my tears faded into a memory

the dusk paints masterpieces on your serene features
you weave another story of your day
I hold onto your words like they are the only magic I know
I hold onto the bumping of our shoulders in the dying light

the dawn illuminates your drowsy stumbling through the streets
I hold you as we walk through abandonment
you laugh at the sound of your name
and I laugh at the thought of what we could be

for a time that I all but forgot
the sunshine somewhere in me ceased the rain
all the songs sang of you that I found
it was I who kissed your shaky hands

and still time finds a way through the ties around our wrists
maybe it was a lost cause from the beginning
how we fall into each other to fill in the gaps the universe has left
and how once again all of who I am is too much

the promises we made during midday hazes
the dreams that we recited with every flower we picked
the hope we had instilled in each other
the goodbyes that I knew would never be the end

and now all I know
is that the unquiet will never leave me
even when you do.

I didn’t know you’d be here
dressed in jeans and a jacket unlike what you used to wear
I know those glasses perched on your nose
used to bump my nose ridge against them
as I pecked you on the cheek

unconsciously I straighten up
leaning against a granite bar
sipping champagne I’ve never liked
smiling my brightest smile even as it falters at the edges

I used to down 3 coffees
at 3am in the airport waiting for you
always the first one to greet your jetlagged laugh
airline food packets crinkling as we hug

this time you’re here without warning
possibly still drowsy from your flight
talking with the people we have left before
swirling the dark wine in your glass
the tiredness in your bones anything but evident

almost on habit my mind races
a thousand conversation starters I may never use
my nails clinking against glass
a free hand fidgeting with the rings on my finger

it has been a while
that much I can admit
and I barely remember what it was like
to stroke your hair in the taxi as you slept
or how you would scarf down a plate of pancakes within moments
or the way your hands would wave around as you talked

and ultimately I can say it’s been too long
as I pass my thumb over the silver of a wedding band
thinking of the promise engraved into its inside
and how the vows I made before having this
were too much like what I promised you

your voice loud and clear in my mind
timezones away and yet still so ecstatic as I told you the news
you swore to come back for the big day
hours into the night spent talking about how that was everything
about the blue flowers I wanted
and the cake I’ve always looked at from afar

then only a few weeks before
you tell me about how you couldn’t come
work was hectic and you couldn’t afford to lose a week
and I understood
yet I couldn’t help the stab I felt
so I pushed that down and smiled even if you couldn’t see it

on the day
I still looked for you
and your gentle urge for me to come forward with the swell of the music
I knew you wouldn’t be there
and yet a part of me hoped

when they played a video message from you
I couldn’t stop the tears
and I was streaking my face and my clothes
but it didn’t matter
you were almost a world away
but it felt like you were right there
snow falling all around you but your smile unfaltering in its warmth

and there you are
right across from me in this cramped room
and yes I’ve told you about nearly everything
from my kid to a new job to a reunion concert you should’ve gone to with me
yet I still hesitate to start anything
with you almost within arm’s reach

I gulp down more of the pale fizz
steeling my nerves as I decide
I of all people should talk with you
no matter what the years or the miles have done to us
for I may not have a chance like this soon

my steps are unsure but too quick to rethink
you don’t see me approach and that gives me a moment to breathe
before I tap your shoulder and you turn around
your face lit up more than the Christmas tree in the corner

your arms wide open before I know it
and my body leaning forward because it knows where it belongs
it’s a marvel how we still fit into each other’s spaces
almost our own universe away from everyone else
silent despite the thunder of our hearts

we pull away and still it feels like I’m home
with the laughter bubbling in our chests
and how could I forget
those eyes that are almost exactly like mine
ones I see every day in my reflection
a comfort I didn’t know I missed

after a while of more chit chat
we break away from the hustle of the people we barely know now
our glasses empty and on a table somewhere
there is enough in our systems to warm the chill of the night
and enough to make us stumble and giggle as we step away
leaving the music and the low lights
in favor of the moon and the calm

we lean against the railings of a terrace
talking about everything and nothing
with you first asking about the child you haven’t seen apart from the pictures
and me injecting questions about the place you’ve just moved in
I keep looking at the dark blanket of sky above us
and even as I nearly catch your gaze on me several times I don’t let you know
and my heart is as calm as ever
but for some reason I feel flowers bloom in the forgotten spaces between my ribs

somewhere between the last notes of a song thumping through the floor
and a light rain kissing our skin
your hand almost wanders into mine
as if it remembers too
how everything fits when it comes to us
but I see you pull back
snapping out of your thoughts and back into the reality
of who we are now and what we have
and what we lost

you ask me if it’s time for me to go
and it is but I don’t admit that out loud
so I say that I can stay for a while longer
and I am reminded of how beautiful you are under soft light
as your face breaks into an almost-smile

so there we stay
nothing more to say
as we understand each other beyond what any words can do
I keep thinking of how you will have to leave soon
and I know that this time
I will miss you even more

not sure if I will still be able to meet your sleepy eyes when you come home
not sure if I will still talk to you as often as I have since our timezones permitted it before but not now
not sure if any of our smiles will remain as the years take its toll on us
not sure if anyone will ever truly know me the way you did

I cave and say that maybe I should really go
you respond with a nod and an automatic stretching of arms
I settle into them one last time
steal a peck on your cheek and bump my nose ridge against your glasses
and I slip away knowing that we will find our way again
because that is what we have always done.

there are clock ticks somewhere in the back of my mind
moonlight is catching in your shoulders and knuckles
we both have no idea of the time
and we both don’t mind

I hum a melody I thought I’ve long forgotten
as you tap out a rhythm I know too well
it feels like an eternity since our gazes met
a lifetime since we said any words

you ask me what we are doing
and all I can think is tormenting ourselves
pulling away from touch
depriving ourselves of the sweetness of dreams

a hundred delirious thoughts run through my mind
would your mouth taste of sunsets and cotton candy skies?
will your fingers feel electric against my spine?
would your heart beat with mine?

your tapping is calmer now
pressing little points into my skin
I tell you to meet my gaze
and when you look up
I can see the same questions in your eyes

because I know that you’re afraid of such ideas
I edge a bit closer to your cross-legged form
and without the hesitation that plagued me for years
I kiss you with all the moonlight and shadows

you don’t pull away the way I expected you to
but I don’t pull you into me more
because I am afraid that I will ruin the petal-like softness of your mouth
I am afraid that you will break under me
and spill all of your wonder onto my sky-blue sheets

I keep my hands clenched in my lap
but you like adventures all too much
and yours are tracing roadmaps across my skin
sending pinpoints of life across every portion that you touch

you break the melding of our mouths
and you hum a dark tune against my collarbone
my hands find a way inside the softness of your shirt
you’re alive in all of the places I explore

shaky fingers find where my pulse is strongest
I feel like a gunshot has gone off somewhere and the bullet is through me
too close, i think, all too close
and it's the hardest thing to keep breathing

my shirt is now entangled with the sheets
and my back goes rigid at the thought
of your touch going over the scars i had hidden for more than a decade
of the secrets i don't talk about with anyone

so i slip your shirt over your head to take my thoughts away
I run my hands over every inch of space as if i am writing our history
but yours are holding onto my waistband
and I feel like crying out of fear of your judgment

but you don't judge a thing
you only trace the lines on the inside of my thighs and the backs of my knees
you tell me that someday you will paint every single line
for i will remember you in my words and you will remember me in those

and i laugh, on the verge of tears
because here you are
someone with the sun in his smile and decades of mysteries in his words
and you make me feel like i am the world
all of its light and its lost beauty and its shadows
I am porcelain in the silvery light
and you hold me so I wouldn't shatter
my eyes wander over the planes of your features
and yet again I wonder

if anyone will see you the way that i do
lost in the winding path of his own making
a delicate soul who refuses to sleep because of curiosity about the universe
an enigma who cannot be unraveled

will they know what it takes for the corners of your mouth to tip into a smile
will they know of the ideas that plague your mind
will they know you beyond what everyone else saw

our mouths meet again amidst how tangled we are with each other
and I think I might believe in magic
as I etch the curves of your name into the back of my mind
we sing the darkness of our dreams

I may be unsure of thousands of thoughts every single day
but I will now wake up knowing
that I can be sure of you.