The past is not what defines us
To be heard takes courage
Using out voice takes guts
Placing effort into a project
Developing a photo we took
Placing our heart out there
If we do have a heart
All of that takes more
Than what we bargained for
When we were born into this world
We don't know what to expect from life
So life itself mustn't suspect what comes out of our mouths

Sleepless nights because of magical awakenings
I like the stars and watching them
Why can't we sleep with them inside our eyes?
If we couldn't dream,  give me more stars in exchange

I know we aren't on good terms since we aren't speaking anymore, and the last time we encountered each other you barely acknowledged me. There was a time when I was really angry at you. I suspect we aren't friends anymore because you don't think I value the friendship we had as much as you did. I know why you would think that. After all, you are the more considerate one. You were the one who always made sure I puke in the toilet instead of on myself or on the lobby floor of the high-rise condominium you used to live in. You were the one who would listen to my ranting like an all-night sanitary napkin. You were my best friend, and I know I was more of a problem than a friend. But I hope you know that I know I didn't measure up. You were the best friend a girl with issues could ever have. Even with your own, you would make me feel like mine was the issue that mattered more. Since I have to live with not having you anymore I want to pose a retort to the problem you were once faced with. You once said to me "I don't know how to help you anymore." Well, I'm glad to report that--- although my problems may not puzzle you any longer---it is no longer necessary to . If I can't fix my past, I'll have to make sure I prepare for the future, that is the rest of my life. I refuse to live in death. I insist that you forget the unsolvable problems that come in your life. Allow me to fix myself. Allow me to say thank you for being in my life at a time that I needed you. Thank you for leaving me to my own devices. I thought I would die without friends. My life today is mine. It was no small feat being a friend to me. I hope you belong in your life and belong in life. See you on the other side.

I think Death cut off your life where it did
Because adulthood, pain, sin
Would have ruined you
And who would be our reference
Since nobody has faith in Jesus anymore
You were pure when you left us
And that will keep me happy
For the rest of my days
I just hope there's still hope for me
To go back to being the girl you once knew
Or somebody better

I can't believe all those times I let myself love
Open heart
Deserted parts
Broken pieces
Left to dry out
Like roses
For novelty?
For beauty?
For suchs stupid reasons
I can't begin to express how utterly egotistical it all is
Just because you're gone
Does not mean you are dead to me
You are alive and well
You are in my caged heart
You are the matter in my skull
You are the dirt under my nails
As I imagine
The world to be your grave

Used to be a study in contrast
Wept a little
Laughed a lot
Sundays we go to Church
Back when I was young
I loved so much
Money meant dirt to me
And dirt meant the World
In my grasp
It felt so simple
My eyes could see
Without prejudice

Now I am older
Much has passed
Pain and life
Go hand in hand patiently
I went away
My body remained
Mind astray
Is there a way to win?
Is there a way to make it?
We're all stuck to this ground
That we end up in
I urge you
Not to let your kite fly too high
Or God with cut you down
I urge you
Not to dream too big
Lest you persevere through the chisel of painful perfecting
It's all I've learned
It's hardship
I take these steps
Inside this safe room
Four walls
Made of doors
This is my life
I lie much
Or the truth becomes inflated
It floats higher and higher
Until nothing is left
Everything given to a life of imagination

My family is peaceful
But we have bodies in our bags
They keep us intimidating
They keep us informed
The frayed edges of my denim jacket
Have been touching my hip
It keeps beckoning me to ignore it
I can't
So I look away
While it touches me
I pray for patience
One day this denim jacket
Will go to my daughter

I am my own
I am my own person
My own book
I am my own
Judge
Jury
Prosecutor
Litigator
Defendant
I am my own
I am my own task force
Totally unabashed love of the arts
I am my own critic
My own worst nightmare
I am my own dream
And all the things I feel for you are my own
Not from you
I create
You are merely a spectator to this feat.
You are not worthy of this love you receive
And it may make you the luckiest person
And myself the proudest
There is nothing you give me
That I cannot provide myself
I am mine alone
And now you must wonder
What are you alive for?
You are alive
For the mere fact
That I would be without purpose
Without meaning
Without ambition
Do you understand now?
My self-respect
Is because I love
And who is there to love
Without you.

Am I a winding road?
Trying to avert pain
Trying to avert fear
Lunging my mind headlong
In order to get through undetected
I am not something unseen
I am here in between you and what is beyond
You see me as a sphinx or maybe I am a gate
I am temporary to you
I am not what you hope for
You get past me
I get past you
It's even footing
I want to be a destination
There you are
I am here

There is a line where I am most proud of
Crossing it beyond where there is no other left for me but a bridge
I built that for you
There is no other way to get to me
Look over the cities I have erected
Look over the mountains that I have shaved
Look over the forests I've cut down
All I have destroyed
For our eyes to meet in the space not occupied by us

Did you know anything about love?
I took a pill and made it mine
It made sense in the beginning
Then less at the end
I made a big mistake
Took 3 and slept

She asked how much stones I had in my stomach
I thought she said stories
I think I’m so special
For the average 25 year old
I had a lot of stories

And the stones have rubbed each other
To create a fire in my gut
Its spark is extinguished
Day by day
By watery thoughts

I could be engulfed by fire
I've made my choice
To create a river
To **** the burn

She asked how much stories I had in my stomach
I said "I had enough for me to learn"

You have the quivering lip of being irresistible
You make me feel down
Make me feel like I have every reason to be sad
And I keep looking for you
Even when everyone says you're bad for me
You are a sad song which feels nice to listen to
Over and over
Until my emotions give in

There are dustbunnies that speak to you when you are alone
Just remember the dust is not a noticeable thing
It's a memory

I have a fondness for memory
You have a fondness for comics
There is new things in the world too
Like lightbulbs being made everyday

Looking at my shoes and the pavement as I make my way around the school
I play with centipedes, mud, trees, clouds, cats
I make friends with the security guard
I **** honey from the santana flowers
I dance while I mop the house
I have a sharp eye for fallen beads
I lick cookie dough from wooden spoons
I genuflect at the blessed sacrament
Pillowforts transform this holy place into a playground
I like to draw on post-its
I say ****

I have found that when it comes to feeling romance
I am not very good at it at all
I haven't got the talent
I don't like reading what is in his mind
I don't like the strength of his stoicism

To take a moment to fantasize
To know that he would tell me how he felt
If it's nothing or if it's a momentary feeling that is actually nothing
I would tear down the walls and finally be free
To know the true bliss of unrequited love
To be free from knowing anything of me
To keep the sense in my mind
To create a world without him by my side
To hold steadfast to my own life
That is the meaning I am looking for.

See, the point is to share
Music
Looks
Beauty
Art
Even if everyone is doing it
The goal is not to be unique
The goal is to be free

There is no tiresome poem
Where your eyes rest on something
And the mind finds it appealing to its health
The heart however yearns for more
And discipline must make a play for you
Stopping your slow descent
As you digest the skeleton in your rib cage
I have met and desired many
Although little have reciprocated
I am a study in reaction
This makes me wonder
If it angers me
Or challenges my expression
Be I truthful?
Be I a mask?
Be I strong-willed?
Or be myself?
I am made to measure in the gradually sized spoons of domestication
And however much I dream about a sliding door instead of a shower curtain
There are days where I find that not being affordable is a ruse unto my dreams
My desires are not of the world
The journey this child seeks is not a price of a plane ticket
But a long life that seeks to be with life
A tray of warm things
A table of flowers
To wilt and change
A dishcloth
Waiting out in the sun
A rolled up garden hose
A comfortable dream
That aches when it ends

Yesterday my dad said I could stop taking the medication. He would conspire with me, not tell the doctor. I thought that that was really cool. He said he would just remember everything that is the reason I am taking the medication. The reason seems pretty vague though.

Purge your unclean self
Your existence does not depend
On the judgement of others
You are the beauty created
For something long before you were born
Life depends on you
You are what you aspire to look like
Appearances fail when you forget
That time is an illusion
Seasons are fleeting
But you will reign red-blooded
The eyes follow every angle
Seriously believe in your immortality
The skinny boy on the runway
Believes
Invincibility
Inevitably forever
This is heaven
This is hell
Death is forever
Life lasts beyond eons
Your beauty is worn on your soul
Be it an old familiar jacket
That has toured the world
Be it a minimalistic shift
Worn moments before you were deflowered
Photographs will create the verdict
You will be weighed
You will be measured
Perfection is possible

I like to do things with care a precision
Like thinking about the last text I sent
While studying the back of my hand
Hold on, why did I say that
As I pensively look at the wrinkles on the hinge of my thumb
I slow my thinking down
Letting my mind stroll the garden of blooming plans
One by one they bloom
As though tended and watered to by the showers of my solitude

In a place I know
They know me too
But they don't know you
It's easy if you're a stranger
But then who said that things with wings were supposed to stay on the ground
If you had flown down to me then it would be the way you look at me that would make me stay
It's easier
Then again
Who said it's supposed to be
There is a time when you haven't really seen me
Outside where the stars are barely seen
There, you start to know that maybe you haven't really done anything to get to know me
You're mostly full of spices
And I'm mostly full of vices
In the end the mixture makes for something that's acquired
The tongue can't get used to eating something so desired
It's the way you look at me that's makes me stay
It's the way you look tonight that makes me stare
Then in the end
We don't know the notes that linger
It maybe because this kind of feeling
Doesn't lift a finger

Much depends
On this life
Misspent
By paper doll artists

Sometimes
I talk like an unattractive woman
I flower my words
Make them pretty
And forget
That a man made me feel beautiful

As I eat every morsel off my plate
There is a funny feeling I cannot forget
It's about the little meanings behind every grain
I chew and the feeling doesn't disappear
It's about time I unlocked the meaning behind each bite
Where satisfaction is not the only goal in sight
I have to make sure that you understand this
That one must not eat alone any longer
Because these meals are lessons about people
How every bite tells us about the needs of each other
Every act of the tongue touches the spoon to the food to the entrance of my mouth
Then there is many I cannot say who assume
That this is the best pleasure of life
This bite into heaven
Paradise on earth

He wants to stop us
By punishing us
We toil for our bread
And look how we've survived
We won't be stopped

I want a house
Protected by the rain
Away in a forest
But easy to access
I want a house
With light and air
Leaves that are leaving
And ghosts that are going
I want a house filled with life
Things that are alive
Because they are touched
I want a house
Filled with precious things
Picked up and put down
With care and tenderness
I want this home
With cooking and praying
With animals and plants
With science and action
With books and writers
I want it all

There is a heaving sigh of relief
When all is lost and nothing is found
When the will is set free and nothing awaits
When I am told and I do not do
There is a space and there is claustrophobia
When you are whispering that thought in my ear
While you say it with shouting
Frustration is what I am most fond of
Why so?
Because when we are down
We stay down
And that is the only time I can say
I lived through the shots
The bullets were avoided
It bruised my ego
But I was not hiding
More like, surviving.
We are mostly Anthrophomorphic
We are mostly Hedonistic
We want what feels proud
What feels right
But that is comfort
Nobody grows from comfort
I lecture myself
It is painful
It is the worst
And I know
I am going no where
It is the worst
But we live in these times and times are hard
There is only strength
To grit our teeth
And stay alive

Cory Aquino died on August 1, 2009
I wrote her an essay since she is a shining example of a female leader
St Francis died on October 3, 1226
His movie brother son and sister moon grossed $1,200,000
He could speak to animals which makes him the best Saint and my personal assistant
Zinadine Zidane is a footballer who last played his game of World Cup 2006 by head butting another player causing to be disqualified even if his mother was insulted
Everyone should get car insurance because when your car lacks car insurance you end up losing your car or maybe get an even better one
Altar Boys were invented by Altar Men who needed to alter the course of the mass and human history
Altar Boys are the heroes of the human race, really

There is a small gap between you and me
Some may call it a cavity
It aches
It's fixed with filling
They pile it high
It has a tendency to rot away
And then there is no bridge that connects us
A gap that divides us
You cannot build something over that
Through the crack I see your joy
And everyday I seem to cause some pain
To my refrigerated heart
By looking at the crevice
That divides us

Gender roles
Peaches
Poles
Backgammon played by the Camp Counselor
Whatever your gender is
It matters not
Because love will always cause pain
Before any pleasure
Whatever way you spell ***
However you grab or pound
It's crazy how a crush can lead to a pen

My heart got entangled
In memories of you
She returns to you always
You are her home

I'm not sure what ghosts do
He visits me sometimes and I can't help but answer his questions

Secretiveness is part of the fascination for another person
I told you I had an open mouth
But I did not divulge my soul of mysteries
It is a beautiful pool in the summertime
A mirage of children trying to get into security of holidays
I am secured in my mind
Thoughts dare to pierce the target
But I miss on purpose
To keep you from seeing my ideas
They are missable, mundane to the society that hears only of hype
Sensationalization make my head turn to the side
It's easy to see that when you love someone you crack the coconut open for him to drink the juices of your refreshment
It's something unknowable to another
It's something quenching the routine that's gone sour
Silence spices meditation
My mind is mine
Until I give it to you

I'd like to write about myself
It's strange that when I am attracted to someone
I make myself repellant
I'd like to talk about how I feel unattractive
I'm self-conscious
So I just hope nobody likes me
Because they'll see
They'll know everything
It's not good
It's worse than I thought
I'm hoping for the best
But I know I should stop hoping
Yet still I don't want to stop
I need that median
Where I feel comfortable with praise
And I''m not so ungracious
I'm worried about nothing
And nothing is what I feel
I had my first pap smear today
It felt empty in there
I can't believe myself
How much I self-sabotage
How I come on too strong
And yet I can't reign in my confidence
Being a woman is tough
I have so much sympathy for us
Or maybe I'm the only woman who has it tough
Some of them seem effortless and graceful
I'm just easy
Don't seek sympathy
Be sympathetic
Don't seek kindness
Because when you feel like crying
You need to smile so others can go on
Everyone knows
Life is tough
Just a little bit more
Stay true.

I'm loney, tired, I have no friends
I'm content, fullfilled, I hate everyone
My eyes bulge out of my head
Refuse to unsee
The molestation outside

I'd rather be wiser than nicer
I'd rather you hated me
Love wrenched is the most painful thing
I have ever felt
I won't do it again

Do I bore you?
Fight me
I'm atlas on this playground
Nobody sees me
I'm only a gamer
On the giving end

The cartoon is a rerun
And I got nothing to laugh at
It's not funny
Not Funny
Funny
No one could make love
To my mind like you

I'm loney, tired, I have no friends
I'm content, fullfilled, I hate everyone
My eyes bulge out of my head
Refuse to unsee
The molestation outside

I'd rather be wiser than nicer
I'd rather you disowned me
Love wrenched is the most painful thing
I have ever felt
I won't do it again

The water in the glass is clear as a pool
It cools my throat in relief
I have been dying of thirst
Without even knowing
What it is like to drink water
Playing in puddles of mud and moss
I never thought to search for higher ground
Keeping like a child
Stuck on the earth's surface
Feet planted on the sticky stuck
When the discovery of the body of water
Led me to clean out my bucket of shells
In this cave from which water is falling from Wilderness'
Fresh water springs from his mouth
Nothing tastes cleaner than that

What it's like
To be romantic
Is to feel
Like myself
Although
You are out there
And I am
In here
I see the moon
You created
For us
Or maybe that cloud
floated past me
as you blew a kiss
of an eyelash wish
into the direction
of the air
I breath

I won't pull the trigger back
My finger is on it
Your beauty
Is so intoxicating
I forgot why I had the gun
Loaded dice
Is what I am
Always landing
On the thought of your mouth
Sensually breathing
Your words into my ear
I usually say 'No'
But you're saying the worst things

Say you were in a field filled with bones
Say you were in a graveyard filled with flowers
Would you then be free to pick up any flower if you gave up your life
Or would you be free to pick up the bones if you gave up your death

The rain is suspended
The ease in my bones
Pleases my demon
I drink in his shadow
Warm feeling in my head
The heart doesn’t feel so alone
The light enters through
The time passes like mud
It’s cold and wet
In a bath of comfort and familiarity
A joint feels just right
Today fits into other days like a perfect puzzle piece
My life has an appetite for light moments and heavy sweetness
What happened last night?
I was alone and yet a phantom was watching
Lulling me to rest with his secret language
Caressing my face with certain eyes
So that when I woke all I knew was forgotten
And everything I remembered was eclipsed by newness

The crushed night sky with foliage deep within it seems like a troubled place to sleep underneath
A nomad's roof is bare and unseen with the wasted moon of every earth
Why warily waste away the sweetened caress of each breeze?
Wondering when we will wind up binding our hands around the trees
Freckles on each cheek like stardust upon the brow of Zeus
Sleep is a journey you will reach despite the torrid jungle of your mind
The treasure that you are burying is a breath for each life you have been reincarnated into
Who can say it is a fault to desire less when riches are a foolish goal?
Around you lay a long-haired grass, your feet barely touch the ground
You must think that the woman fears no predator
To sleep so soundly while she roars

Somewhere in the future
You will be more than a strange man

There is a way of saying in my language
"Opinion without evidence"
you are in my opinion
Somebody with attributes
I will be happy, content, and joyous, with.

I also believe you will find your way to happiness
And that happiness' way
Is towards me.
I am unlike others you have met before
I am a grasshopper
I'm bouncy
And I always have an adorable way
Of falling in an awkward position

How I wish I could find you in the sea of people crowding my eyes
I'm a visually hungry
I am of wandering faith

I only yearn
Approval

I live my art
I am covered up
I am a big erasure
I am Chati's art embodied
I am small
Or trying

Flowers growing
In my hair
Your hands
Running through
My mind

Snow falling
Styrofoam
It's like knowing
Going home
Where is home?
Do you have my address?

Hollow laugh
Sleep in ****
It's afternoon
We're at the park

So I said
Where's the next bus
Going back
To the way I came from

Shadow sleep
I'm lost in labyrinths
I can't speak
In tongues

Hope we pass
You are in my way
Hope we pass
Into who we are

I have a hard time
Taking anything seriously
I'm not easily impressed or swayed
And I don't believe in good things
easily
Especially those things that give me hope
And make me have faith

Breaking my heart
Seems to be the first thing
I avoid
And the first thing
On their list

Good morning
It's a brand new day
Everybody is out to play
And all the teachers want to say oK
But not everybody wants a piece of Shakespeare
And all the little children are eating their lunches
Mama packed me an apple
It's a bit like wax but it is real
Sometimes I like to go to the Zoo
And when I visit the monkey
It says hello and waves a long arm at the crew
How about a bit of fruit and pie
How about a little sky
It's nice outside
The wind is cool
And everybody is practicing a brand new tool
So how about you go to school
And I will share my apple strudel.

Nobody will leave unscathed
I am all-consuming fire
You are not safe from harm
You will wish for sleep eternal
Lest you be awoke when you cross me
There is pit of hell-fire that I visit boldly
It makes me brave to face every demon-goblin
When I mine these pits, it’s your caverns I seek
The ****** mess on the operating table makes me yearn you
Your red warm life must become a dry well
Then I am satisfied to make your seams heal

She was my guardian angel who told me to sit in hell
But I told her no
I would like to sit with the folks who eat cookies
I was still preserving my cookies for her, my Guardian Angel