It was 2 am and we were exhausted,
Our bodies pressed together.
But neither of us wanted to close our eyes
For fear of the distance that would come with the rising sun

rough ribbons chafing already irritated skin,
sleeves made just long enough to hide what i don't want you to see

weight
          breathless
      lungs
  air
gasp
     suffering
                 tears
    thirty one
scars
       cuts
             wounds
         dad
yelling
          fights
    cries
          survival
                      apocalypse
           suicide
      cuts
           blades
scissors
           knives
                     dying
                             sleeping
                      tired
              quiet
        ­      s
             i
            l
           e
          n
         c
        e

i beat the **** out of my leg and try not to limp
i run a pen along my skin until it hurts
i dig my fingernails into my neck in the middle of class
i go into the bathroom and hope no one hears as i make myself bleed

I fall more in love with you every day
          You can trust me when I say
                    I wouldn't have it any other way

Can we forget
Last night ever
Happened?

I don't want to
Feel it anymore.

I don't want to
Feel anything
Anymore

I got blood on your flannel,
It's seeping through my pants
And it's on my phone screen
I hope I stop bleeding soon
Before people can see it.
I don't want them to know
What I've been doing in the bathroom stall here at school.
I don't want you to know either.
I'm sorry

I want to cut myself
Away from everything.
Out of people's lives.
They won't notice;
They never do.

I like the feeling of control I get
When I cut in a straight line down my arm.
Never deep enough to ****,
Only seep enough to bleed

I ran out of tears to cry
So I cried my blood

I'm in an abusive relationship
With myself

It's a whimper
It's a pain
    In my stomach
     In my brain
It's a lung full of air
I don't want to breathe.
Watch, Watch. See what it does to me
It's a drumbeat (not my heart)
Tap-tap-tapped out on my thigh
Eyes glazed and staring
Fixed, unblinking, into space
Hands shaking unable to
Stay still
Teeth digging into chapped lips
Hoping to peel the skin
Nails leaving crescent marks on
Palms on
Arms on
Face on
Neck
Teeth grinding to
Cover the noise
The yelling
The crying cover your ears and it doesn't help
Brain overloaded woth
Facts and thoughts and
Memories: themoonshiningbrightasthesunhandsbleachedwhiteundertheglareasyous­truggletospeaktoformwordsorcoherentthoughtsuntilyoucan finally breathe again
Deep breaths calm down
Bucket-fulls of air burning your lungs
Eyes rolling in their sockets
Blinking away tears
The mind goes blank
Wake up wake up wakeupwakeupwakeup
Wake up to
Patterns decorating
Your naked body
Marked with old scars and
Fresh blood
And you are finally calm

I'm sorry.
I just can't right now.
I can't sit back and pretend any more.
I'm not going to pretend to be happy for you.
And I'm sorry.
Because this means I can't talk to you,
At least for right now.
You're being too cheery
And I can't take it.
So I'll have to go for now,
But maybe I'll come crawling back to you at midnight,
Dried salty tears and blood staining my skin
As I beg for you to forgive me.
I'm sorry,
I just can't right now.

"I'm okay"
I'm gritting my teeth to keep myself from crying.
I'm curled up on the floor with a blade in my hand.
I'm numb and sick of it.
I'm too tired because I didn't get enough sleep last night.
I'm thinking about isolating myself from everyone.
I've been avoiding my friends at school.
I fell like I'm going to *****.
I'm so hungry because I skipped 5 meals.
I'm not okay.

"I'm bored"
Please tell me what to do so I won't hurt myslef
Please keep me happy because my demons are coming
Please distract me from myself
Please help hide me from my thoughts
Please just help me

will you hold me in your arms forever?
will you keep me safe through the darkest of my nights?
will you catch me when i fall?
will you help me stay alive?
will you stay with me when i need you the most?
will you kiss my wounds in hopes to make them better?
will you let me cry on your shoulder if i need to?
will you put up with my insanity?
will you be the light guiding me to safety?
will you be strong with me?

you don't have to,

but even if you don't do this for me,
i'll do it for you.

You* are the *air I breathe,
You are the earth upon which I walk,
You are the light pushing back the darkness.

*You are the one I love,
The one I need,
The one I live for

"my thoughts have aligned themselves as poetry"

*doesn't that make them even more beautiful?