She whispers my name
but I can hear her
clear as day
I turn
and she's there
she smiles and laughs
and tilts her head
just so
And together we close the distance between us
and my mind sighs
and she sighs
as I run my fingers through her hair
just so
and the moment is perfection
and it is just as I dream
as I dream
I dream
and my eyes drift open
and I sleep

heat overwhelms me
i say i know not what i do
and in part i speak truth

when for a short time
i see angels
before my own star collapses

i rise
as i alone guide my hand
catching my own breath

then winter comes
and a tide of reality crashes back down around me

i am still and yet shaken
whole and yet somehow unsatisfied

the coals inside me die down
extinguished temporarily
and i sleep

I want to light a fire inside you
To stoke your flames
And make your body melt
I want to see your eyes ablaze
To feel the smoke
Rise off your body
I want you to beg me to
Satisfy this unbearable heat
I want to bring you to a boil
And breathe in the steam that you gasp out
I want to burn my fingers when I touch you
As I make your temperature soar higher
I want to scald my tongue when I taste you
And when you burn out beautifully
I want to cradle your glowing embers
And keep you warm
For next time

We pose for a photo
Your hand
On the small of my back
Smile, click, flash,
And you forge a path down and away
And I am wide wide awake
We pose for a photo
Your hand
On my arm
Smile, click, flash,
And you trace your fingers down and away
And I am wide wide awake
These shocks you give me
Could power Tokyo
But they're all mine
And I can only stand and be electrocuted by your little touches
While you find energy elsewhere
I need you like an artificial heart needs a charge
You need me like a light switch in a thunderstorm

Wars and weapons
Dreams destroyed
Lives cut short
A-bombs, H-bombs, F-bombs dropped
And all around you bodies lie
Defeat is inevitable
Just depends what you're fighting for
You can't wage war to keep peace
You can't stand by and watch your home burn to the ground
Verbal assault runs rampant
And the dove with the olive branch
Was just brought down
By the weapons of mass destruction
We keep on our tongues
And in our hearts

I never knew how hard it was to die
It's tougher than I thought it was
The end so close
and yet so far
and the more I want it the farther it gets
How much blood must I shed to reach that shore
the end of a sea of pain?
How far must I go to find the grave
and be happy?
How hard can it be
to achieve the last great indulgence?

my eyes, too blind from the light of hell to see
pray for you to choke the blasphemy out of me

ave maria, gratia plena, dominus tecum. benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, iesus. sancta maria, mater dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae

you misread my plea and loosen your holy grip
and more sins spill from my ****** lips

ave maria, gratia plena, dominus tecum. benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, iesus. sancta maria, mater dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae

my tongue is heavy with heresy
but still i babble hypocrisy

ave maria, gratia plena, dominus tecum. benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, iesus. sancta maria, mater dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae

amen

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written slid from the page to coat my skin like oil
my face flushed

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written stared at my mouth, waiting for me to speak
i could not answer

no one had ever written a poem about me before
the words you'd written smoldered, blistering my hands
i could not hold you

no one had ever written a poem about me before
we were younger then, and
you've since written about many others
but

no one had ever written a poem about me before

Everything stops when I see the            blur
hear the low, vibrating                                 buzz
                                                       RIGHT IN MY EAR
Flinch
spasm
FREEZE

My muscles
every last one
tense and rigid

                                         Don't
                                          Move
        ­                                    An
                        ­                         Inch
My head snaps to my shoulder
My hands fly to my neck
                                   my signature tic
protect my ears protect my head
or the monster
the horror
                               the bee
will fly into my skull and-


I feel its legs                covered in short fibrous tendrils oh god no

scuttling inside my head an itch I can't scratch

a whimper lodges in my throat
                               threatens to turn into a

SCREAM

-into my brain

the blur flashes by
as sweat     r
                      o
                          l
           ­                 l
                              s
down my back
MY SKIN IS BURNING EVERYTHING IS BURNING
the wasp in my head is
STINGING ME EVERYWHERE AT ONCE
Tears sting
Arms sting
everything stings

***** this phobia!

it's the split second before your ears register the sound of the smoke alarm
the splash in your heart when a car passes too close to you
the bracing in your body
the preparation for punishment
the silence before the scream
the tensing of everything inside you for however long it takes
hours
days
weeks
waiting, dreading, the unknown
the Bad Thing

i walk into a room
where you wait
and turn my gaze to you
your gentle heart shudders loudly enough for me to feel it in my own chest
then falls to your knees before my mouth even opens

i look into you
unwavering
unrepentant
a tigress locked onto her prey

your eyes drop to my lips as i smile
and you mimic the movement
you show me your teeth
you open to me

i pick up your pulse
racing in your tilted neck
i'm doing this to you, my mind reminds me coolly, and my grin widens cruelly

my hand hovers above you
your body blushes where i pass
words wander from your throat to your mouth
dripping
dammed

when i touch you the barrier breaks and rivers rush forth from your lips
and the sound is my music
i dance to its frantic rhythm

only when words lose their meaning
and your eyes turn toward the heaven from which they were created
and blasphemous prayers pour from your tongue
will i let you be still

my head groans and i am awake again
it takes an hour to open my eyes
just sitting up is way too ******* hard
the butterfly inside me crashes, dies
my mangled heart beats dully from its cage
more slowly than it ever has before
i think about the *** on the top shelf
but i'd have to unlock my bedroom door
i wouldn't trust myself to stand alone
or shuffle to the kitchen miles away
i hate myself for opening my mouth
i even hate myself for being gay

i thought i'd get used to a broken heart
but now it seems that i will fall apart

Writing about you is harder than i thought
Because i'm so conflicted about you still

i wish i could leave it at that but
then you wouldn't understand
you would think you did
but- and i say this as gently as i can-
you would be wrong

i'm not even sure i understand

there are times
where
the thought of you is
unbearable

and there are times
where
the thought of you is
unbearable


it fluctuates
sometimes collides

it's very unpredictable
and requires further study

you hold me under the water
until my lungs scream out for air
you know i cannot hold my breath forever,
don't you?

you hold me under the water
in a perverse baptism
the one i worship delivers me to death

you hold me under the water
one hand buried in my hair
the other firmly on my neck
i have no choice but to choke

you hold me under the water
and i do not struggle to break from your grip
you were always stronger than me
and a part of me has always wanted this

you hold me under the water
and fill my mouth with the sea
i swallow, even as i know
to drink is to die

you hold me under the water
gently, as a lover would
it won't be long now
before i become one with the ocean

i am aware that you are speaking to me
but i cannot hear you over the crashing of the waves
when your work is finished and you wade away
there will be no blood on your hands

i open my mouth
and You pour onto my tongue
rushing down my throat
spilling down my chin and chest

i lick my lips, swallowing quickly
drinking You down
as if i had been dying of thirst
gulping greedily
not wanting to waste a drop
draining You dry of what You
can no longer contain

my vessel
my chalice
You runneth over
and still i want more
and still i drink
and still You drip

i will never have my fill
i will never have enough
i am insatiable

i hold a shaky palmful of death
noting that it is surprisingly light

i swallow reflexively
feeling shocks through my hand

i could just do it
i could just do it right now and it would all be over

why don't i do it

my body, fighting to survive
my brain, begging to die
and i am no man's land

Icy pitch
No warmth in her tone
all is cold
she frosts glass with her breath
her nose almost touching the mirror
glaring coldly into her own eyes
tears freeze
in the middle of their
descent
down her stony face
but the blue blood that drips down
into the sink
makes her arms feel warm
and fills her with
fire

i freeze over
when i attempt to visualize giving myself
even an ounce of compassion

i would have to consider myself worthy
worthy of kindness
worthy of love
worthy of a home
worthy of life

i do not remember when i last felt i deserved compassion

it may have been when i was young
my foolish heart believed in the body for which it beat
until it broke
and broke
and broke

i am told i wear wisdom well
as if wisdom is a new coat that i tried on
instead of ancient scars under the fresh fabric

i did not choose
this

i plead with my reflection
even though we are both holding a knife
please
let me live
let me rest

but the villain lunges, slashing wildly, drawing blood
a hit
a palpable hit

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and pulls on the ends of my hair with unfeeling fingers
follows me just out of my line of sight but close enough for me to feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and raises its hackles like i'm someone it doesn't know
follows me far enough away that i sometimes forget it's there
but close enough for me to remember where it was
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

anxiety reaches around the corners of my heart with spiderlike hands and pats my arm a little too hard like a drunk stranger
follows me like i'm its only way home and if it loses me it will be lost in an unfamiliar city at night
i turn but there's no one there
or is there?

i hunger for something i cannot ingest
not because i will choke on it
or because i am allergic to it
not because of its rarity
or because it is unethical to produce

but because
without having tasted it
i began to want it and crave it
without knowing its name
i began to dream about making and consuming it
without even knowing its ingredients
the longing for it began to consume me

i began to starve for its softness between my lips
its give between my bared teeth
its flavor on the tip of my tongue
the aftertaste of its broth in the hollow of my throat

i began to daydream about its weight in my stomach
making me feel comfortable full and yet unbloated
i would eat it for every meal and be satisfied
if i could just find it

at night i lay awake
close my eyes and lick my lips
trying to recall that heavenly taste
i cannot gain access to sleep until i remember it just right
and when i do i dream of devouring it

the thoughts devour me
my stomach caves in
and my ribs and hipbones poke through my
translucent skin
but i will not eat again
not until i found this food
that floods my starving brain

I can see into the 5 minute future
It's not even six o'clock
Music defines time
I'm furious for not knowing this before
Your name sobers
Me in a different
Way than getting
Sober
Does
Different from this control freak
I am compelled to write this for you
I love you I LOVE YOU
more than Germany
Loves you more than anyone
Loves you falling
Razor sides moves to the
Rings there's still liquid
In it I don't know
All I know is
I shouldn't be this sorry

Recycled noise
eyes litter the floor
Consciousness murmurs day by day
We don't know where home is and
we're okay with that
It'll be okay
Our feet are cold
Our body awake
Our mind rested and ready to lapse into memory waves
Signs of anchored wisdom and prophecy
A black screen of mindfulness on my hands
blue shells clatter to the floor
The heat of the weapon warms my feet
We aren't tired, are we?
Our heads are too heavy
We risk stretching our legs
And the blood rushes back in
We're tempted to bathe
We're tempted to relay our dreams
It is hard to deny these
Yet it isn't
Our writing becomes large when we have this joy
we have no struggle
no shortage of peace

i can't stop thinking about the feel of your fingers on my ribs tonight
i wonder if you felt my heart beat faster
i wonder if you know what you do to me
what once swirled around in simple thought became complicated reality
unclear dreams made for foggy awakening
your warm body under my arm blurs all vision of the past and present
does this make me sick?

you are an open book to me
your eyes reveal pages of wisdom, pages of tenderness, pages of pure passion
i could read you cover to cover
over and over
i don’t dare dog ear your pages
crack your spine
highlight my favorite passages
for i do not own you
i want to memorize
every line that my fingers trace
every word that my tongue tastes
all of you
i could read you
cover to cover
over and over
every chapter leaves me wanting
more and more
and when i finally finish you
i will want nothing more
than to reread you
cover to cover
over and over
finding parts that i passed
delighting in every
printed
word
you are a marvel in literature
from your prologue
to your epilogue
and back again
even when i’m not reading all i can think about is
the next time i can
open you up
breathe you in
and consume your sweet story
cover to cover
over and over

dread reaches both hands into my throat
to take the air from my very lungs
my breath comes shorter and shorter and i fear for my life
i lay awake, wondering when my death will arrive
how soon
how soon
how soon

Dream knelt beside Reality
And
Brought her back to life
and Reality opened her eyes
and looked into Dream's
And suddenly
Dream came true
and Reality loved Dream
and Dream loved Reality
and they became heaven.

The wind is getting in but not out. we know this because we see the curtain rise
we love our mismatched furniture
we love our scraggly hair
we love our couch with the cigarette burn in the second cushion from the right
and our ever constant stream of dishes that we wash ourselves to make our room mate smile
we love our valentine's day door hanger
we love our nonfunctional bicycle
we love our half eaten box of cookies
and our overfull incense burner
and making puns about our incense burner
we love our phonebook that we found by the door today
we love our friends
we are joyful his day

there is no color for regret
this fist of hindsight clenched in my stomach
sitting heavy, firm and uneasy

i can't paint over this lingering, wholesome sorrow
splashed in my lamentable eyes

the agony is blind and cannot feel its way out of this dark corridor
the uneasiness is more real than the feeler

repentance is stuck in my teeth and gnaws at my tongue
discomfort catches its fingernails on the chalkboard recesses of the past

regret

regret

the neon open sign flickers and its fumes are toxic

With cries of
he is risen
and the broken necks bent skyward
and the chorus of the spring
and the empty gaze of millions
Friends lost to the flood
of a following

the well is dry
i cannot collect water
i cannot sustain life

the river is swollen with toxic mud
i cannot cross to the other side
i cannot escape this

the grasslands have not seen rain in many years
the smallest spark could destroy this place
and i am awash in static

i sit under a long dead tree
and try to rest
and try to remain still

for to move is to cause a cataclysm
yet to remain stagnant is to cause my own demise

the wildlife that did not flee the drought have perished
the scavengers that came to pick apart the carcasses are gone as well

only i remain
the monarch of nothing
but bones and barren earth