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We're fighting a war, you and I
Some battles were different and others the same
It's not like those movies we've seen
There were many casualties
We've each suffered
From our own battles
But in you I see an ally
And in me you see a friend
So we will fight this war together
And someday soon we'll emerge
******, scarred, but victorious
And our enemies will see our tattered banner for miles around
Knowing we've won the war
to treat you with anything other than the utmost kindness and love
is, in my eyes
the worst thing i could possibly do

i lash out at you in my mind
in speech it translates into slight annoyance
and even this is unacceptable

i walk on my own eggshells
i police my thoughts and language
if i say anything to hurt you i repeat it tenfold to myself

my dreams betray me
my thoughts betray me
you would never do such a thing to me

my thoughts of you
how dare they sour?
do i not realize how important you are to me?

my dreams of someone else
how dare they continue?
do i not realize how important you are to me?

the anger rises
not in you, but in myself
though it slips out of every crack that i can't cover

i don't deserve you
i don't deserve you
i don't deserve you

i want to hold you until my arms hurt
i want to protect you until you decide
i want to be with you forever

i want that to be enough
a fly, bloated, buzzes
trapped between the window and the curtain

i hear it bump against the glass
the wings crumple
the fly falls
landing unceremoniously on the windowsill

after a moment, the fly is once again airborne
returning to the window
to continue its exercise in futility
It doesn't feel that way to me
Right now
It feels like hell burst free to claw at my heart
A cold fire burns me
One that makes me
Despise humanity (but never you)
I don't want to see the sky above
Because the light that radiates from you
Is blinding even as it fades
And now it melts away my eyes
And now it chars my lips
Gasoline! You are gasoline
And I drank you up
And you'll burn me down.
i want you to rip into me without abandon
reach deep inside and
tear from my chest my still beating heart
do it
smash it between your jaws like some kind of ******* animal
while i watch, clutching at the empty, bleeding space you've left behind in my shattered rib cage
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want you to hold me tight
hold me close and
snap my neck
do it
make my head turn three hundred and sixty ******* degrees before my eyes turn skyward, and even then you keep turning, turning, turning until my head twists right off and showers your gorgeous face in my putrid blood
and mouth agape
in a perfect O

i want to be in your arms
all of me
all of the pieces i want you to cut from me
do it
separate me into sections with the sharpest knife you have
be precise, or don't be
just ******* chop me into bits
save my head for last
my mouth agape
in a perfect O
if i do not tend to my wounds they will become infected
inflamed, red, hot to the touch
rotting and dripping with pus

i know this, and still i let them fester
refusing to remove the soiled bandages because i know it will hurt
even though i am no stranger to pain

eventually the sickness will infect my blood
spread to the rest of my body and brain
maybe it will **** me
but i will not hold my breath

i have survived wounds like this before
i have the scars to prove it
i have no choice but to heal
and try again
The first snow
is the best.
You look out the window
on a dull school day and
suddenly
you let out a
shout of joy.
This battle cry
charges everyone
to press their faces on the
cold glass
and watch
the snow
come down.
And as you're driving home,
the snow flying past
at warp speed,
you're still mesmerized
by it.
Fly
Fly
I've stepped out of myself
Looking from above all my
Problems are small!
Big letters mean big hearts
Mean big LOVE!
Look at the pretty sweaty
Windowsill
Look at the things moving but still
There is no normal 'cause no one's
Sure if anyone else is here
At this cloud look at me
Move as if through jello
All is calm, all is soft
Look at all the pretty little things
All of them seem so small
Everything's in order and I can see
The order
Which song leads to a sour note?
I can read the music
I can breathe a sigh of absolute
Relief
Because now I know what
To do
Just to stay in the path
Or forge my own
The first breath tasted
The sweetest
Everything is exactly as
It should be
When the earth starts spinning
backwards
when all the stars are
extinguished like candles
when the moon explodes
in a ball of flame
when existence depends on the push of a button
That will be the day
when I forget
you.
Broken cages, a rush of joy
running until your lungs explode
The world and beyond is yours
massive expanses of nothing
and a little boat caught up in the storm
tossed by the waves of the wind
while the captain laughs and dances in the
rain.
The atheists made the first tracks in the snowy church parking lot
Crisscrossing, overlapping each others footprints
They dodged snowflakes
Or tried to
For some still managed to get caught in their curls
Making them seem far older than their years
With chewed lips and philosophies
Soulless intellectuals they were
Dream on, boomed the radio
As night fell on the snowed-in town
Fry
Fry
I feel like a murderer
Put me down
Bullet
Head
I'm dead
Don't tell anyone or
I'll **** you
Stop shaking or she'll
Find you
Don't look or she'll
**** you
Death
Now
i cannot allow myself to believe
that our stars are aligned
i cannot allow myself the luxury of thinking
that the planets under which we were born
have destined us to orbit each other
i cannot allow
the spiders' threads we have cast over the years
to turn into webs, trapping each
for the other's future feast

but when i gaze skyward i feel your reach
when i look inward i see that you have taken up residence
and i wonder if i have done the same to you
though i dare not ask

i must imagine the physical distance between us
as locked doors
or brick walls
or boarded windows
impassible
barred
for my own protection and yours
but it is easier said than done

for when i hear your voice it feels as though my heart is shuddering back to life
from a dead sleep i was not aware it was in
and it frightens me
-more than i care
nor dare
to admit-
that it has always been this way

the more i try to turn my head
the more vividly you appear in my dreams
my peripheral vision, so to speak

even writing this, now, i fear what is to come
Turned into a god overnight
the first command handed down by Me
is death
to all who were cruel to Me.
Emotionless, watching my enemies burn
I smile upon My handiwork
until I Myself begin to choke.
And as I pass out of this feeble existence
the end of My short reign
My final thought is
I hope you're happy.
Strands of thought are
flickering in and out of
existence
Blink away spots of light
that cloud your vision
and peer through
the haze that is
so painfully thick
What you see are the murky shapes
of truth
surprise
and silence.
i never thought i would want you for this long
the clippers buzz a drone against my skull
the hair falls like dead flies
into the sink and onto the floor
loose curls crawl down my shoulders and back
tickling my neck

afterwards i stare hard into the mirror
searching my own face
for someone i  could love
or at the very least live with
This freak
this beast
this heart is caged
Its pulse does not belong to me
It wants to get out, to be free
Pounding at my chest
it wants to be close to you
and **** me in the process.
She sees a friend
I pray for more
And in her hands
Her cold cross cuts
Her gift to me
Her faith that guides
And in her hands
Her cold cross cuts
Our hands connect
Hers cool, mine fire
And in our hands
Her cold cross cuts
Her eyes on mine
I stammer thanks
And in our hands
Her cold cross cuts
She walks away
Into the night
And in my hands
Her cold cross cuts
You caught me
and pulled me out
of the abyss
breathed life into
my weary mind.
My eyes opened
and I saw you
my hero
and for the first time
in ages
I smiled.
Turn your head
And I feel my lips on your neck
Laugh
And I hear your sigh
Look at me
And I see my face reflect in the blue
Speak
And I want you
Stay silent
And I want you

There's no way out, is there?
She simply
wants me to
stay
asleep
stay
with her
In my dreams
forever
or at least
until
she's through with me
i lift my shoulders and hunch my back
don't look at me don't look at me don't look at me
walking faster, heart racing, i feel the presence getting closer
leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone
i break into a futile sprint

it's not as though i can speak
tell it to leave my sight
tell it i have nothing left for it to take
hope it believes me
while i shove the final page of my story deeper into my pocket

i know better than to lie to this thing
my legs are growing heavy as i try to outpace it
but it's no use
an experienced hunter, the creature waits for me to exhaust myself running from it, then moves in for the ****
at least there, i have the last laugh-
i have already died from fear
I
I
i am the bronchitis afflicted
memory washed rogue that
spills across the streets like
tears of laughter

i am the screen breathing
hand trembling sweat bleeding
souls of heaven
eyes skyward

i am the all striped all checkered
all wooden apologies
smiles of understanding
leers of worry
tears of laughter

i am the all aching all breathing all shuddering all fire all water
all WATER
all fog
all cold
all alone
ALL JOY
i am
just another stain
another ****** stain
on a shirt
on a bandage
dripping onto the floor
because no one caught it in time
another stain to wipe away

i am
just another mark
another ****** mark
on my bed
on my hands
dripping onto the floor
because it hurts to open my mouth
another mark that just won't scrub out

i am
just another cut
another ****** cut
on my arms
on my legs
dripping onto the floor
because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing
another cut that won't heal right
With surgical precision
And steady hands
(But only if I imagine you guiding them)
I make the first incision
Slowly and carefully
(The way I feel I must choose my words-
God I could never hurt you)
A straight, deep canyon and another across
Quickly cauterized to prevent any more
Blood

Loss

Sharp curves, applied pressure over the artery
And the cancer is out
This
Lump the size of my closed fist
This
Tumor lies uselessly on the sterile table
Discarded

A needle and thread are produced
And I am sewn back together


My throat ablaze from screaming

But it's out
it's gone
I am whole again

Yet

Why do I feel like there's this great hole in my chest?
You are cracking my mind
Dashing it against her collarbones and cheap sunglasses
The hardest things about her
You are are cutting my heart
Pressing it against her shoulder blades and elbows
The sharpest things about her
She is light and soft
And could break me if I'm not careful
And I want her to
To break me apart again and again
I never asked You for much
I don't know if You're even out there
But if You are
She's all I want
the moon bares its jagged mouthful of tombstone teeth
but its fearsome snarl is lost to my eyes
for its sacrilegious white light cannot penetrate through the
looming canopy of gnarled old trees

i raise my rusted lantern high
green glass panels protect the flickering flame

glowing yellow eyes glare out, reflected in the rays of my lantern's light, but i do not fear or flee
i know now that beasts are ahead, in my path
and now that i am aware of their presence
they cannot ambush me from back the way i came

the howls echo through the mountains before me
the wolves expect an easy feast
but i will not be dinner
Who decided
fire
was the word to describe this?
He has made me into
water
with only his words
I looked at you
And thought about my favorite movie

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

I looked at you

The light at the end of the tunnel
The break in the storm
The breath of air I wanted to coax from your lungs into mine so I could get high off you

And thought about my favorite movie

But time passed and I realized
You were the light at the end of the tunnel
A train
The break in the storm
The eye
The breath I wanted to coax from your lungs into mine so I could get high off you
Was toxic

So how do I forget thee?
Let me count the ways.
I forget thee when I inhale smoke
Push you out of my lungs to make room for green oblivion
I forget thee when I exhale hunger
Push you out of my heart to make room for orange growls
I forget thee when I inhale exhaustion
Push you out of my head to make room for blue pills
I forget thee when I exhale fire
Push you out of my throat to make room for grey death

And now I can't look at you
Because I'm afraid the next time you look into my eyes you'll see that I've cracked
That I can't understand
That I can't get you out of my eyes
The rain tears through the cracks
in the windows
ripping this place
wide open
The wind howls
with such ferocity
and slams against the walls
shaking the house to
its very foundations
But indoors
the weather is worse
Time doesn't stop
for sadness
It goes on
Ticks away
As a family mourns for a son
Who took his own life

It continues
like always
As a girl rereads old love letters
And presses them to her aching heart

It moves ever onward
As my grades sink lower and lower
Because when I come home
I can do nothing but stare into space
Too weary to care

Time doesn't stop for sadness
It goes on
Ugly, she moaned
as her eyes cloud
and she looks in the mirror at
the horrible monster that isn't her
She sees it
I cannot
I see an angel with golden wings
sigh and preen again
but I long to tell her
You cannot tend to one who is already perfect
Bright grey clouds
On hanging trees
Whose branches bob
on a song-lit breeze
The threat of rain
Hangs cold in the air
like the rumors of snow...
I wish I could care.
Enough to hope for the real winter's chill
But to hope, for me anyway, bodes ill
The opposite happens when I dare to dream
When I get what I wish for
They're not what they seem
we're seeing it again
burning ourselves on your flash of fire
we thought we had soothed ourselves of your potential
to hiss from drops of water and wine
and we know that i will only accumulate
more shining red skin
and streaming eyes
and we know it's impossible to be addicted to someone we've never had
but
still
we bubble
we're warmed
we blindly follow your light and seek heat
a circuit that will never close

it's difficult
I wish to reach for the white flag
To stop this bloodshed
This pointless never ending war
But as I reach for it
My arm is blown off

I look upon the ****** lump
With which I used to write
And wonder vaguely as to
Why the world
is so unfair

Through the haze of pain
I stumble to you
Eyes wild, delirious, but dry
Getting blood all over your clean uniform

And I whisper hoarsely in your ear
**Kiss it better?
We watched the fire burn until it died
Kicked dust upon the embers then and sighed
We watched the moon retreat into the sky
We watched the lightning strike and wondered why
And when you took me home I tried to smile
Because at least I'd seen you for a while
But then you left and so my heart went south
I'm left with naught but ashes in my mouth
They never cease to ask
Why?
Why is the sky blue?
Why is her skin darker than his?
Why do they call things what they do?
Sometimes we have answers
But sometimes we don't
Sometimes we're just as clueless
As the kids who ask those questions
It angers us
They're so annoying, we say
When really we know
Those kids and their questions
Open our eyes
To see through theirs
i wish for--
i want--
wisdom
it's a curiosity i can't crush
it's a ******* tongue has never met
yet it lingers on my mouth like a memory
my mind melts on the thought
sizzling, singed, scorched
the words i want washed out
bubble to the surface of my throat
but i am gagged
and you are blind
bound
beautiful

B R E A T H E

sounds settle
the moment passes
i am certain sleep will solve this
as i lie awake until sunrise
the thought taunts
your voice summons words i have never heard you speak
i am haunted
i shouldn't be feeling this
i shouldn't be wanting this
give me a bolt from the blue, O omnipotent *******
smite me
strike me dead where i stand
You won't ******* do it
You don't have the guts

You'll let me rot in this hell but You won't just ******* **** me
is death too good for me?
are my friends happy on the other side?
You'll take them but You won't take me
and Your ****** tell me You love me

i don't want Your pitiful love
i want Your wrath
where's that power i'm supposed to fear?
i'm a sinner, right?
then smite me! i'm right here!

i've given You so many chances
and You just won't ******* do it
where's Your mercy?
where's Your peace?
i don't see it

burn me off of this earth
knock me out of the sky
drown me in fire or water
i don't care how You do it anymore
as long as You do it now

i don't ask You for anything
just give me this one thing and i'll be out of Your hair forever
i swear to You
on my life
take it away from me

let me go
let me have this
please
End her life
You know you want to
You'll get that
freedom
you've always wanted
She'll never
laugh at you
ever again
What's stopping you?
End her life
You know you want to
The lefty
who was forced to write
correctly
wrote her name
backwards
hoping it was
right.
Your ice touched the fire
it was I who got burned
You held tight to the flames
for which I always yearned
You were given her soul
and you gave it no thought
While I'll never have
what I desperately sought
I am broken, I've shriveled
I'm shattered, bereft
I had no hope to start with
now I have nothing left
I have no middle
I am not empty
If there was nothing to fill in the first place
My fingers dance
Where there is no music
There will be no music
Never again
I was born to die
Never to smile
Never to feel the joy
of togetherness
Of light
No tears
Only space
Drifting away from the shores of
Sanity
The shadows have gone and I am alone
in the grey
Little bird
I wish to keep you safe
under my wing
tucked away
out of the storm
I wish to shelter you
let no rain touch your feathers
let no pain touch your heart
I wish to be your sun
to warm you from the winter's chill
I wish to be the spring
It's been two years since the first burning
There are still scars to remember me by
And new ones to cover them up
I've been carved up like the pumpkins they had
Preparing for the season of spices
And masks
I wore no mask
My face was raw
From the fire I'd walked right into
It still shines from time to time
Glistening with effort, fear
And tears of despair
At night when the world goes quiet
My mind is loudest
All I've done wrong
Everything I've ****** up
Conversations I shouldn't have had
Words I shouldn't have said
I can't take them back
So die
So die
So sleep
Wake up and everything's okay again
Pop my ProZac
Step into the sun
Be strong
But for how long?
i'm so ******* tired of writing about you

miserere mei deus

i'm sick of all these ******* dreams

secundum magnam misericordiam tuam

i'm fed up with the sleepless nights

et secundum multitudinem

the daylight hauntings

miserationum tuarum

the midnight ******* tears

dele iniquitatem meam




i hate that flutter in my gut that i only feel when i think of you

miserere mei deus

i hate that my heart rises in my throat only when i hear you laugh

secundum magnam misericordiam tuam

i hate that i love you

et secundum multitudinem

i hate that i love you

miserationum tuarum

i hate that i love you

*dele iniquitatem meam
m
m
i look for you in my arms
raised lines where i marked time's passage in shame
only bumps now
only scars
i look for you there and find no one
nothing

i look for you in the things you left in my room
a necklace
a pin
hard cold things that collect dust but not your scent
yours but forgotten

i look for you down the street
a parking lot
a place
empty now but for ash and debris

i lay here

my bed empty where it once held you
my heart empty where it once held you
my smile empty where it once held you
M
M
We're on balconies
back towards me
our dramatists
their novelty
higher and higher
following the birds


ghost doll mosquitoes
we worry
it was a big mosquito
we'll hide away in our bed and pray to god it doesn't come back
two stormy seas in which to dive
almost without a thought i do
and yet here you are in my ocean
deep enough to drown and even deeper still you plunge
you reach my sea floor and sink your fingers into soft sand, as yet untouched
i gasp, swallowing saltwater condensation on your skin
as you create waves
so close to cresting
so close to crashing against you
i need to breathe
i pull you up to the surface, soaked, treading water, waiting for the moment you can dive again
and lick the salt from
your lips
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