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Sep 2019 · 495
Longing
adorating Sep 2019
I still question and
constantly doubt
myself
I seemed to have been
forced to leave
and stop
Like a gill that is forced
to function
as a nose
I gasped and suffocated,
I pawed the air
Just like expecting
for death but beg for
mercy a second
after tasting misery
It feels like a
writer who has lost his
ability to write or
a painter who is
unable to paint ink
on a blank canvas
standing in front
of him
Yearning,
longing,
suffering
Never expecting
and never ready
Just how I am
still trying
to let you go
Jun 2019 · 1.3k
Teman.
adorating Jun 2019
Yogyakarta, 16 Juni 2019.


Temanku tersayang,

Mudahnya begini, aku tidak akan pernah berhenti mengucap syukur atas hadirnya kamu di hidupku. Dari perhatian kecil yang kamu berikan hingga tetes air matamu yang jatuh ketika aku terpuruk, ikut merasa sedih atas apa yang aku rasakan. Mungkin aku dan kamu tidak selalu menghabiskan waktu bersama, kemudian merasa tertinggal setelahnya ketika salah satu tengah sibuk dengan hal lain. Aku percaya kamu peduli denganku tanpa dibuat-buat juga tanpa paksaan. Ada banyak yang ingin aku sampaikan, namun guratan hitam di atas putih ini bukan tentang aku. Ini untuk kamu.

Kita memang tidak baru bertemu dan kenal kemarin sore, tetapi fakta tersebut juga tidak dapat memungkiri bahwa aku masih merasa belum mengenal kamu dengan baik. Entah aku yang selalu merasa kurang atau memang kamu kurang pandai dalam berbagi sedih. Aku paham sebaik-baiknya kamu sebagai seorang teman, sahabat, anak, kekasih, atau manusia secara umum. Ada banyak khawatir yang kamu pikirkan, sebab kamu tidak ingin orang lain menjadi khawatir akan kamu, maka disimpanlah semua sedih yang kamu rasa. Bukan menjadi masalah besar, sebab aku juga paham bahwa kamu berhak untuk menyimpan apa yang ingin kamu simpan dan membagi apa yang ingin kamu bagi. Aku juga tahu bahwa mungkin aku tidak akan selalu menjadi pilihan pertama kamu dalam berkeluh kesah. Juga tidak menjadikan ini masalah besar untukku, sebab seperti yang aku katakan, aku mengerti. Ingin aku tekankan pada bagian ini bahwa aku ingin kamu baik-baik saja.

Sepanjang kamu hidup ini, temanku, akan ada banyak asam dan garam yang harus kamu cicipi. Semoga kegemaran kamu dalam menyantap mie instan jadikan kamu tahan dalam hal ini, ya. Sejujurnya, yang barusan tidak lucu, tapi tetap aku tulis. Juga, yang barusan dirasa tidak penting, namun aku terlalu malas memperbaiki. Nantinya mungkin akan ada banyak lelah yang harus kamu rasakan, termasuk menitikkan air mata sebab tidak ada kalimat yang mampu menjelaskan semua. Tidak apa-apa, ya? Aku percaya, kamu lebih dari kuat dan mampu menjalani hidup kamu. Semakin kamu bertambah usia, semakin kamu dewasa, semakin kamu akan paham bahwa memang ada saatnya hidup menyuguhkan banyak pertanyaan. Tidak semuanya punya jawaban dan tidak semua jawaban dapat diterima oleh akal. Sebab hidup adalah berproses dan kamu akan terus tumbuh.

Terkadang kamu sudah melakukan semua yang kamu bisa, mengusahakan semua yang kamu mampu, atau memberi semua yang kamu punya, tetapi itu juga belum cukup. Bukan berarti kamu tidak cukup, kamu selalu cukup, kamu selalu lebih dari cukup. Sebagian tidak akan pernah merasa cukup meskipun ketika mereka memiliki segalanya. Hidup bisa jadi lucu seperti itu. Semoga dengan begitu, kamu akan tetap bisa tertawa meski sedang ada sulit yang harus kamu lalui. Terlepas dari sulit tersebut, aku harap kamu akan selalu diiringi dengan bahagia, kemanapun kamu pergi.

Aku tidak tahu kapan kamu akan membaca kata merangkai kalimat yang aku tulis ini. Aku bahkan tidak dapat memastikan apakah aku akan mengirimkannya pada kamu secara langsung. Tapi tepat saat aku memulai paragraf ini, waktu sudah menunjukan tepat pukul dua belas malam. Hari sudah berganti. Bersamaannya dengan ini, bertambah juga satu tahun usia kamu sekarang. Mungkin kamu sedang tertidur, atau tengah dalam panggilan dibanjiri dengan banyak ucapan selamat ulang tahun. Bertambahnya satu angka pada usiamu juga diharapkan kamu menjadi lebih kuat, sebab akan ada lebih banyak tanggung jawab yang harus kamu bawa. Ini tidak melulu soal bertambah tua, melainkan bertambah dewasanya kamu dalam hidup.

Selalu, temanku, doa terbaik aku panjatkan untuk kamu. Sekecil apapun hal yang kamu lakukan di dalam hidupku ini, kamu berarti besar. Selalu, aku ingin bahagia berada di pihakmu. Terima kasih sudah bertahan dan ada. Terima kasih untuk tahun-tahun kita berteman. Terima kasih untuk waktu dan kesediaanmu dalam mendengarkan. Terima kasih untuk kamu.

Selamat ulang tahun.


Salam sayang,
temanmu.
Mar 2019 · 494
Living
adorating Mar 2019
Are you happy?
With the life that
you have right now,
with the companion,
the bearing, and
the dilemma?

Have you ever think
about living as
another person
for you've been
questioning how does
it feel to live and walk
in a different shoes?

Does it feel so hard
to be grateful for
the good things?

Is it to you,
or is it
for you?

Are you happy?
Jan 2019 · 1.3k
Sunflower
adorating Jan 2019
I remember you
the smile, the laughter,
the tears, the sadness,
the thoughts, the stories,
I remember you

I remember us
skin drenched in sweats,
the white sheets of
my bed or yours,
us,
groaning, moaning,
longing, yearning,
darling,
I remember

I remember me
who once was just
someone with a
monotonous, dreary,
humdrum life
before you
happened,
love,
I remember

I remember everything
the sunflower that you gave me,
unlike any other man,
with their roses
or glorious necklace
a sunflower, it was,
darling,
as if you were
giving me sign,
I remember

I remember everything,
the door, it was made of wood
the ****, the classic
and old silver ****
the sound of how
it was being pulled
by your hand
Saturday night, it was, darling
you left me
you left me there
you left me there
alone
Nov 2018 · 595
Lonely
adorating Nov 2018
i thought i know myself
well enough
i thought i know what
i want,
and what i need
i thought i can make
myself choose
between those two
until being alone
does not bring me
any peace
and lonely it is
what i feel
Sep 2018 · 1.3k
Enthralling
adorating Sep 2018
There will never be
enough time
for me to ask the world
about how you make me
so much in love.
There will never be
enough answers
to satisfy the universe
about how great it is
my desire of you.
I would give up
anything and everything
just to be able to see
both of the corners of
your lips
curled up upwards,
forming an enthralling
smile
on your beautiful visage.
Jul 2018 · 1.3k
Home
adorating Jul 2018
For every second
turns minute
twenty four hours
through days
in a week
the world has been
so exhausting
there is no time
for me
to breathe
through weeks
in a month,
next year, darling
I will be
seeing you soon
soon
I will be
coming home
to you
Jun 2018 · 507
Words
adorating Jun 2018
I've always been
in love with words
never did I find the
what, when, or how
but I know that I do
And loving you is
always like that
the feelings are
pervading through
my veins
loving you is always
like falling for words
without any
what, when, or how
I just do.
Jun 2018 · 3.0k
Hiraeth
adorating Jun 2018
Hiraeth calls me
it is painful
and sometimes ineffable
I could not word it
longing, longing, longing
your name,
you know
is mellifluous

But hiraeth calls me
I'm in limerence
with the thought of you
Maybe that is why
I can not stand it
everytime you look at me
and speak
this feeling is illicit
I want you

And hiraeth calls me
I'm feeling homesick
home, home, home
to you,
you know
I can not return
you were never mine.
Jun 2018 · 525
Name
adorating Jun 2018
Have you ever
for one second
think about
all of the pleasures
that this world has?
Have you ever
for one second
think about
all of the happiness
this world could give?
That one second
of mine,
is never about
anything
but him
calling my name
For one second,
"Lia",
and that's all
I ever ask.
Jun 2018 · 767
Temporary
adorating Jun 2018
“Stay.”

She wasn’t able to give any response. She remained silent and he started to move his hand to hold hers while the other one was holding the steering wheel.

“Stay, will you?”

She smiled widely as she let out a soft giggle. All he did was asking her to stay but it was pain that she felt. That was the only thing he asked and she did not think he’d understand a thing.

                                                       I can’t.

“Don’t go anywhere, stay.”

He did not understand anything. His hand stayed there, holding hers tight. She looked away as she slowly took a deep breath. That night, she knew exactly the meaning of ‘temporary’.

                 I can’t. With your hand on mine, like this, I can’t.

“Please stay. Because with you, it is enough. This is enough.”

This is enough. You are enough. She could’ve said yes to that but she hated the idea of hurting someone else, and no matter how much she wanted to stay, no matter how much she cared for him, she knew it wasn’t right.
                                                 But I have to go.

                                         Because I am temporary,

                                       and she is your permanent.
May 2018 · 642
Hate
adorating May 2018
I hate trying
for I've been spending
the time
thinking about
the unanswered questions
The end of the road is here
it is infront of my eyes
I see no light
and no way out
It is suffocating,
in dire need of air
I keep on swimming
even when I know
that I am drowning
I hate trying
for the fact that
I can never stop
And I have always
been trying
to let you go.
May 2018 · 525
Forbidden
adorating May 2018
Are we stopping
because we can't
or are we stopping
because we are afraid?
I'd cross the line
and break the wall
For all the things
I'd do to have you,
all of the 'only ifs'
inside my head,
and all the hopes,
my desires
of you
I'd walk through
every forbidden thing,
for all that I know,
at the end of me,
and you,
there will never be
us.
May 2018 · 812
Memory
adorating May 2018
I was not able to
write again,
for you were the muse
and leaving me was the
decision you decided
to take
I thought it was about
the presence
of yours
I did not take picture
of you,
of us
I have no evidence
I am hurting
and I am fine with
the sorrow
because I am healing
for now I realised
it was all about
your existence
and I write again
for there is
the memory
of you
of us,
you exist,
we exist
because the memory
lives.
May 2018 · 1.7k
Uncertainty
adorating May 2018
Tell me how to answer the question
of how the moon kissed
you goodnight
of how the stars hugged
you to sleep
of how the sky touched
you for a sweet dream
And I am still jealous
with the thought
of it
Show me the way out,
of the closed door
that you built,
of the crossed line
in all of the impossibilities,
of the unexpectancy
that I’ve been expecting
Is there any possible way,
for me
to undo
all of these feelings
I have for you?
Apr 2018 · 788
Grateful
adorating Apr 2018
When it comes to you,
it is not about
the word 'happy'
I am talking about
It is about how the
world turns,
or the night changes,
and the sun rises
It is about your hand
that keeps me sane,
or your smile,
and how it teaches me
about missing someone
It is not just happiness
you give
It is about how
grateful I am
to have the privilege
of loving you.
Apr 2018 · 792
Desire
adorating Apr 2018
If I may talk
about wishes,
hopes,
and desires
Wanting comfort,
the feeling of
being loved
How one's arms
and their embrace
speak to you
about everything
you've been wanting
to hear
Dreaming of happiness,
mirth,
and pleasures
How one's existence
matters
and their presence
breathes life
to you
If I may talk
about wishes,
hopes,
and desires
I'd talk about you.

— The End —