My Office

Veneer and gear cogs orbit my sky eyed bored writ
Face, fuzzy bottom trace rings masculine tell bells ‘cuz
I’m lazy, not hazy on congeniality or veneer reality.

This cube main lines fake hued bane mines and vain finds
Purchase on surface of brown turf dust or brick fur guts.

All I see is ***
Endless parades of
wet openings and bouncing
*******....

All I hear is ***
She says she's going to
do it…
…eat that
smell this…

All I want is ***
Memories of
tight...
tunnels and warm mouths.

ERUPT…Release…

The universe baby birds knowledge
*** to mouth
and you wonder why the lives of the wise are always so
******.
You think you’re woke but just repeat tropes created by
people selling a lifestyle that puts on trial the idea that being
standard is wild.
Kaleidoscope fractal of reality’s gaping ****** *******
wraps the goal of happiness in a cloak of human nastiness.
This crawl through life is so full of strife
that we spend the majority of it looking for someone
to moan and groan with as the bone is exposed
from the scrapes and cuts we earn when we're alone.

And I am alone.

I realized today that
I’m better at being me
Than I am at being a part of them.
Or us.
It's too easy to be the crutch
To get stuck while helping us out of the ruts.
But when I’m the stress pressed mess...
Step around.

Ever the alien
Ever the desert
Ever the tree standing tall in the field
Watching the forest retreat.

Don’t look at me with his **** in your throat
I don’t have the heart to see the joy in your eyes
While you guzzle down greed's breed seed.

Don’t moan at me with his **** in your ***
I don’t have the heart to see the pain in your eyes
While coal miners ******* into submission.

Don't cry to me when you inevitably ****** him
I don't have the heart to see you regret your life
While you beat, burn, bury, and drown mankind.

It’s that sunset at sunrise
Brain flickering to life
To live…
To live alone and longing
Longing to share that sunrise
With someone who wants to share it with me.

Because what’s the point of life
Of living…
If the best you can do is cower in
Self-serving hedonism.

To close eyes
And let dreams reign
Fall into the future
Makes the next day
The next disappointment
The next pile of stress
Arrive.

The worst part is the lack
Of color
Vibrance…
And no amount of Giant Steps
Could avoid the emptiness.

I heard about a torture technique
Where the prisoner is placed in an
Empty white room
With only white light to see
And white rice to eat.
I think the alienation I feel
Is like a form of that.
Lifelike solitary confinement.

Sour mouth truth teller
Spits on the graves of
Vanquished foes
Vanquished friends
Stares daggers at
Jealous lovers
Anguished loveless.

The taste of words and grapes.

The you and I
In my future bides time
For my dreams to combine
And put you before my gray eyes.

Beautiful light clashes with my ugly darkness
Eradicating the masticating thoughts of rejection

Smile at me please
Maybe my frozen stone heart will unfreeze

There’s a word stuck in my hand
Like a song in the brain
Or bathing suit sand.

So I write out all I can think
All that feel close anyway
But every attempt just makes it sink.

So don’t mind me if I sound craz-ee
Because I’m not okay, and that’s normal
Or at least it seems to be for me.

You're beautiful
But you don't see it
Makes me wish I couldn't either
Because you'll never be mine
No matter how many times
I listen to your struggles
And offer bad advice
You already found your love
And I’m just a nice guy
You know from there.

Ignore the signs of mental state decline
I’m fine is the typical reply

Depression is used so often that the word
Loses meaning as quickly as the life its leaning.

And isn't that exactly right?
You get one word to describe your problem
Your feeling overlooked, alien, lonely, and sad.
And society makes that word as useless
As all the others you scream at no one.

Makes me want to burn the world down.

The wisdom of age is caged
By rage
By pages staged in cultural serfdom.

The youthful burnt by truth's
Supernova
Of time and its rotten fruit,
wisdom, hah

So you find me between
The rage and the explosion.
Gritting teeth beneath pain's expressed grief.

I feel the weight of expectation.
The pressure of responsibility
bares down
like it can feel I’m straining.
Every moment I get closer to
collapse.
Every second, strength surges in some endless
final push of effort.
A lifetime of uphill climbs in the time it takes
to shamefully look away.

The earth shook
The sky became firm
The waters rebelled

Because we live such
Brief lives
We fail to see the
Impact our heavy
Footfalls leave

And so the arrow
Strikes low
The future flows for feeble
Wisdom

Rorschach sounds test door lock found
watching ninetofivers run the hamster wheel.
I could complain
that would be sane, right?

Efficacy of coffee in drawing truth from words
belies belief belittling lies obvious strength.
Who are you to say “light"?
Just another dark eyed zombie echoing societal platitudes.

The days ways say stay to
the ***** of the broke brained overweight.
Hunger in the eyes sunder intelligent minds
beneath the crushing hand of expectation.

Buy me a sliver of happiness
Or was it
Cry me a river of helplessness
Memory fails snails snotting up rails
that funny ******* find with palm’s hand.

Pacifists feign high minded morality.
It's just easier to disavow violence,
than to justify the cause you fight for.
But no more worthwhile.
Homogeny and peace
Over
Progress and conflict.

Tell the dead they're right
For not having fought back.
Let Gandhi tell you that the world
mirrors the nature of the man.
See if his wives agree.

Let Martin Luther King Jr. tell you about
the merits of nonviolence
from his martyred eversleep.
Ask Genghis Khan if his legacy is great.
Ask Alexander The Great.
Ask George Washington.

The few successful pacifists
Are remarkable.
Because they were successful.

Heart's quiescence defies hope's recreance.
Resigned to singular endeavor,
Connection's Desert Delver
decries society's conformity salve.
Bearing burns by breaking-

Ashes pile on the ground.

Heart burnt charcoal dark
By overheated passion.
It crumbles in
Your well intentioned fingers.

Rotations and revolutions
Counting convolutions
Of causality and expression.

Time

As I slowly slide down steep sided peak
The idea occurs
“Is purpose portrayed in progress?”
The mutable perspective of time’s fickle trickle
What experiences we lounge in
Slow boredom
Slippery distraction
That glacial crawl past pain
The ever fleeting ******
Senses suppose suffering’s supreme,
It seems.

The small space
People place

Like little things
Easy understanding

But you are more.

Inky darkness envelops
Soul, fake as it is.
And like the great
Dying of winter’s will
I freeze within that
Omnipotent abyss

I seek destruction
For humanity’s farcical suffering
Let the end flow from
These fingertips dipped in pain.
Like leaves falling from branches.

and I know who I am.
Like the clack of horns clashing,
Knows the ram.
Or like the torrent of rushing water,
Knows the dam.
Their intent expresses their character,
and their words expressed their intent.
Although they try,
the point remains
as elusive as line one.

Torrential downpours of raw
Irritation.
Regret swirls with loss into
Whirlpools of rage, desire, and hopelessness.

Smiles guile miles between isles
of disconnected people.
Eyes see ******* butts ***** and big *****….
Missing hearts….
Missing the empty arms of long alone longing.
Reasons and reasons, seasons and seasons.
The flow continues and we cannot stop for what's missed.

I don’t know which is worse
Feeling cursed by winter’s cold isolation
Or future’s immolation by past’s failure.
Like some sailor in lonely seas
Knowing that perfect she, just doesn’t exist for me.

They say I over-think things
That I read too much into things
Or overcomplicate things
The simple, shallow, impulsive
****-ups
Should lament their inability to keep up.

I like the dark
And its ness
There's a primal desire
Inside my heart-mind mire
For pale skin and black hair
Piercing decorations
Evil.

Because good pretends it isn't self-interested.
Because light is harsh.
Because at least the women in white faced makeup with
dark eye liner
and dyed black hair
wear their masks openly.

The fact that I haven’t up and left
This life with violence
Is a miracle in itself, with
All the loneliness and
Pressure to succeed, that, need to be
Free, but missing connection
And longing for love while feeling
So shunned by society.
I foolishly look back on old flames
As if their game’s not been played
As if my fat, disgusting form would
Be acceptable, much less
Desirable. Even my mother
Doesn’t think I could be loved.

Seems to me
People fail see
What’s important,
Really,
Until what they truly
Want is out of reach.

Depicted perfectly
By this lonely
Soul, failing
Ultimately,
At finding intimacy.

If I could somehow say
What I’ve been made
I’d force the day
That taught my brain
To fear the gray.

You, the royal you
Of that soft goo,
A small review,
Of will renew
With darkness true.

I see strong signs
Of empty mines
Or growing grime
And forced resign
I’m brined in whine.

Warmth accompanies sunlight
No longer
Sunlight reveals the truth
Of isolation

The alien looks out from dune's peak
Ever shifting
Ever onward reaching

Faces both smiling and snarling
Haunt the edge of perspective
But there's no connection
No link
Not a single shred of song shared

Hardened heart’s crust cracks
Exposing the dried ichor
Of love's rampaging past.

Chewed through lip
Copper taste and other shoe’s drop waits
Nervous habits of caffeine neuroticism.

In the end
It's all the same
Differences drive me away
And all the guile smiles thrown in my face
Don't erase space between.

Feelings left reeling by simple words peeling
Back the cracked and dried scab of love's lack.

Yes I’m doing well.
But I miss you like a cave misses the sun.
I wish I had the courage to tell you.

That smile bounced off the hull.
I can still feel the vibrations in the metal shell,
all this time later.
I saw it coming, took evasive action
you know, like they do in the movies,
and slammed right into it anyway.
Knocked me off course,
broke some sensors,
sent spinning off into the void for months.
Sensors eventually came back online,
course corrected but forever altered.

Skeletal fingers grip an oblong stone
Cords of tendon thin muscles stiffen
A jaw set with determination
Eyes glassy and feverish

Another chuckles, circling like a carrion crow
It grips their lover's hand warmly
And sighs down at the starving man
“you'll never squeeze any blood from that dry stone”

The words uttered, shatter his resolve
He curls into that common dying pose
And waits for mercy's final blessing.

Blinking at my screen
Not so fast as it.
Thought arrived, of explosions
Not so fast as it.
And life’s lived therein
Not so fast as it.
This unfolding infinity
Not so fast as it.
Expanding explosion of everything.
Not so fast as it
Could be the beat of a heart,
Not so fast as it.
But that big bang is,
Not so fast as it,
Slowed by our interior perspective.
Not so fast as it.
The shock to chaos for reorder
Not so fast as it.
Like moving or supernovae
Not so fast as it.
But thoughts flee,
Not so fast as it
Changes perspective.

Like the sun’s drop into the reflected
Ocean horizon
I submerge into the filth
Of corporate greed
I maintain separation, but from your beach
Appearances can be decieving.

From height, the bottom is abyss
But I have seen into it
And I have become it
And my hands no longer appear before me.

As if there was ever any purpose, anyway.

Even if eyes fall
On warm and soft
Smiles

Even if fingers grip
The warm and soft
Skin

Even if words heard
Are warm and soft
Spoken

I’ll still slight the stone
For seeing only you
For feeling nothing after you
For hearing the end.
That cold and hard
Lump.
I’ll still slight that stone.

Ahh, there it is.
That old but bold,
Rolled and hold-up
Haven of mold and decay.
Like I never left it,
Festered and prolific
The round hole for my square peg of happiness.

I’ve spent my whole life alone,
Trying to atone for whatever flaws shown
Knowing it’s for nothing.
I had a sniff once, the barest taste of other.
And now it haunts like a Dancer flaunts
Exquisite and impossible to ignore.

Like a memory of the present
A voice speaks
“I am coming"
Ambiguous meaning
Purpose
Vivid as scratching an itch.
The impression of vast emptiness
Overflowing

The puddles pretend depth
With muddy murkiness
Which quickly dries to dirt
When passion's fire gives birth
To love's burning star
Of hearts merged from far.

I need a loving heart to win
And a sea in which to swim
Which boils but stands firm
Strong enough for our sojourn
To home in hope's future
Where together our hearts suture.

I am the embers after the conflagration
Smoldering silently after a pyric youth.
Coals flaring in the winds of change
Smoke like phantom of a bright past.

But the heat is still there, resilient
Eager to leap to new fuel.
Bring me your unspent passion
And let us burn brightly together.

Materialism mind schism
Religious based holiday chased
Thought of peace bought
Through this nihilistic idealist

I don't need your greed shaming fake god
To know there's more than this
To know.

Take your useless prayer and save some air
For people who need it
Because if your god is real, then you don’t.

Finding confidence
Or rather
Finding apathy
What happens when nihilism
Overwhelms pessimism
Overwhelms doubt.

We're just dust organized interestingly
So smile
At me or her or him
And ignore failure’s omnipresence
Enjoy your freedom.

The sky cracks stack until
There’s a legitimate Blindspot
Silver lined with that eye spot
Censor I can place just on
Your stupid ******* face.