If I could somehow say
What I’ve been made
I’d force the day
That taught my brain
To fear the gray.

You, the royal you
Of that soft goo,
A small review,
Of will renew
With darkness true.

I see strong signs
Of empty mines
Or growing grime
And forced resign
I’m brined in whine.

They always seem so…
shattered
In the movies
When they are betrayed
And it highlights my
Deficiency
With connection
I know I should  feel
Something
But I don’t
I’m clearly just so…
Broken
Or wholely incomplete.

Warmth accompanies sunlight
No longer
Sunlight reveals the truth
Of isolation

The alien looks out from dune's peak
Ever shifting
Ever onward reaching

Faces both smiling and snarling
Haunt the edge of perspective
But there's no connection
No link
Not a single shred of song shared

Hardened heart’s crust cracks
Exposing the dried ichor
Of love's rampaging past.

There's something missing here.

You see me now
An obelisk
Rising over the barren battlefield of old
A relic of wars past
Or was it that other thing
In which all thing's fair?

That power pole is leaning hard
It’s like the tilt of a dog’s head as it considers something.
Or the way she leans against my car
Or the way I bunch forward to lament her lean.

I can’t unsee that obtuse incline
I can’t internalize it less.
I hope that ******* pole falls.

Ahh, there it is.
That old but bold,
Rolled and hold-up
Haven of mold and decay.
Like I never left it,
Festered and prolific
The round hole for my square peg of happiness.

I’ve spent my whole life alone,
Trying to atone for whatever flaws shown
Knowing it’s for nothing.
I had a sniff once, the barest taste of other.
And now it haunts like a Dancer flaunts
Exquisite and impossible to ignore.

Something's sharp in my sock
Painfully poking me with every step
I thought it was a forward progress thing
But when I took a step back
It was still there.

So I stripped off my sole
Peaked inside that cloth membrane
And pulled out that **** nail

The way her jaw curves to that chin that borders those wide lips smiling mischievously in my memory…
Stabs me right in the movement
So I carefully put my shoe back on
Stamped down hard
Relished in the pain of her memory
And continued with my day

And then I was alone
With all my things
Accumulated like a bird’s feathers
They allow flight and
Attempt to attract mates.

But it never works
Flightless
Mateless
And obscured by these feather-like
Possessions.

In the end
It's all the same
Differences drive me away
And all the guile smiles thrown in my face
Don't erase space between.

Like sunlight filtered through
The small holes for the support
Strings of those metal blinds
The memory of us together
always hits me right in the third eye.

It's uncomfortable and distracting
And I’m constantly moving my focus to get away
But all I really want is to be able to say
That I'm glad you came back.

There's this box we're given as children.
And inside it are all the tools
and materials
and instructions that
They
want you to use when you make yourself.
None of it is bad,
in fact, most of it is
Probably
pretty positive for your life.
But doesn't it
Burn
your insides up to know
that you're built from a ******* template?
That all you could hope for
is minor alterations to a
Stale
overused and boring design.
Take that box and dump it into the river.

Heart's quiescence defies hope's recreance.
Resigned to singular endeavor,
Connection's Desert Delver
decries society's conformity salve.
Bearing burns by breaking-

Ashes pile on the ground.

The pressure builds....

Being near her is like summer.
Warmth expressed and mind of thoughts divests.
Beauty is defined by her, not because she wants
but because she is.

The weight grows...

When Tennyson said “it is better to have loved and lost…” he hadn't felt the weight of her loss.
And I did it!
It was me who struck the final nail in future's coffin.
Such responsibility is enough to **** a man...

Darkness downward flows...

“But I felt neglected!” he shouts at the void.
As if the hole could be filled with excuse.
Flailing without aim he drank himself to shame and burnt his soul with end’s flame.

The silence of despair crows...

I don’t think psychopaths
Can appreciate riding a motorcycle.
Not really, anyway.
There’s too much emotion
In the grinding of metal
On the pavement.
Too much disappointment
In the missed apex
Too much joy
In the pull from a stop.

Love your two wheeled brethren
And rest assured in the knowledge
That they can and do, love you.

Cigarettes and bleach
Scents both clashing and fitting.

When life's continuance
Is the cleaning of
Public spaces

When wages wilt
The satisfaction
Of a job well done

Why wouldn't you
Ruin your lungs
A slow death made faster
A tortured life made shorter.

A million suns surround
And encase.
Impossibly bright and
Such pressure…
It forces me inward.
To that core.
To that part of myself
That won’t break.
But bends and compresses.
Like rubber,
Or the bottom of a
Shoe that treads
Across broken glass and trash.
The wreckage
Of a life lived careless.

Gray, but not depressed,
just homogeneous.
Life running together like the
confluence of yin and yang.
Stark and exactly the same.

The desire for contrast
Manifests as restlessness.
Waiting for something
To happen.
Waiting for thoughts... words
that will never come.

Because I am gray
Because she is vibrant
Whoever she is.

The fact that I haven’t up and left
This life with violence
Is a miracle in itself, with
All the loneliness and
Pressure to succeed, that, need to be
Free, but missing connection
And longing for love while feeling
So shunned by society.
I foolishly look back on old flames
As if their game’s not been played
As if my fat, disgusting form would
Be acceptable, much less
Desirable. Even my mother
Doesn’t think I could be loved.

Like the sun’s drop into the reflected
Ocean horizon
I submerge into the filth
Of corporate greed
I maintain separation, but from your beach
Appearances can be decieving.

From height, the bottom is abyss
But I have seen into it
And I have become it
And my hands no longer appear before me.

As if there was ever any purpose, anyway.

The peak trough life
***** the small one
I know that's not the phrase
But I’ve never seen anyone brag about
******* a small ****
So it must be worse
But I digress
I just want to repress that downward egress
And I don't want pills
I don't know what I want
A woman, mostly.

Like aged cheddar
Or hoppy ales
There’s a bitter bite
To the taste.

But so smooth
Like rich cream
Or thick yogurt
It just slides on in

It festers and grows
Like **** kombucha
Or dry aged steak
It just gets stronger…

And if I knew about
This three course meal
I’d have done so much more
To make you want to stay.

Of expectation
Of not meeting expectations
And I see my peers
Competing for money
For fame
For history
At the peak of this field.

While I write depressing *******
About my ******* depression
As if it matters
As if I matter
Using clichè as a form of self-destruction
Roses kiss the moon and blood
Hah, I forgot the rain.

It’s like this hole
Inside
Nothing physical
No wound or injury
Just this emptiness
Absence
It hurts worse than anything
And I’ve been injured
Broken bones and joints
Cuts, stabs, burns, shocks and all the like
But that wasn’t true pain
Just my brain relating events
Real pain is knowing a truth
Shown by countless smiles
Whispers and glances
You are alone.
You have been rejected
Not just once
But every single time.
That part of you meant to connect
Absent a connection.

I like the dark
And its ness
There's a primal desire
Inside my heart-mind mire
For pale skin and black hair
Piercing decorations
Evil.

Because good pretends it isn't self-interested.
Because light is harsh.
Because at least the women in white faced makeup with
dark eye liner
and dyed black hair
wear their masks openly.

To all those who scoff at Valentine’s Day
For being overly materialistic
I would like to say go **** yourself.
I’d love to have a companion to spend money on
To shower with materials and love.
I don’t need to hear you flex your
Romantic privilege.

Breaking glass and crushing stone
Anger’s mask with irritation’s bone
I'll be crass and make insult moan
And bask in that defiant groan.

Curse the world and let it burn
With offense hurled and faces stern
Lips down curled from opined slur
Let flags furl and fill future's urn.

I don’t care for your stupid glare
Or superior air, go back to your lair
And never share that seed with a pair
My mind's a solar flare to your bargain bin brain fair.

Materialism mind schism
Religious based holiday chased
Thought of peace bought
Through this nihilistic idealist

I don't need your greed shaming fake god
To know there's more than this
To know.

Take your useless prayer and save some air
For people who need it
Because if your god is real, then you don’t.

Mine is the life of a chew toy in a kennel.
Rubber skin covered in
Spit
From the ravenous dogs trying to
Rip me apart.

But I’m made for the abuse
And the ******* biting will be long
Dead
Before my skin cracks and colors fade

I don't remember when the mask became my face
Or when sight stopped, despite my seeing eyes

And though I dwell in darkness
I do not fear the light.

And though the darkness dwells in me
I do not hate the light.

Take comfort in the sightless
Aimless
Blissful wandering

******* and *****
Triple slammed lips
Love and violence

Passion
But in my case
The desire
Is what matters.

Desire for blood
The need for moans under moonlight.

Give me a face to punch that isn’t my own
Give me a mind to **** that isn’t my own

Love
Violence
The things we men are bred for
Values and society and ****

“Be happy!” They zealously scream
From spittle flecked mouths
Like it’s so bad to be unhappy.
Happiness, contentedness
Stagnation.

Tell me why I should seek what’s above happiness
Transcend comfort or reject contentment’s gravity
Resign to your fate of obscure averageness?

I miss the woman I lost
I regret the opportunities missed
I lament my poor decisions
So I won’t do it again.

Fickle time.
Causality is superficial
In the face of perception.

Fast when comfort reigns
Slow when suffering remains

But there’s no cause
For the emotion
No result
No result

And when loneliness suffuses
The perception of time
With no cause or result
Its superficial nature
Is revealed.

Like a memory of the present
A voice speaks
“I am coming"
Ambiguous meaning
Purpose
Vivid as scratching an itch.
The impression of vast emptiness
Overflowing

I want to consume
Food, flesh
The toxic fumes of burnt plants
I’m like a vortex
Swirling and roiling with such fury
The only path
Is inward

Fall ******* life from the world
Entropy become personified
Gaping maw of
Desire

How many times have I drowned?
My nature is to be empty
Forming the gradient of emotion flow
That frog is my will to resist
Endlessly stung by the scorpion
My weakness.

I’ve got it in my head,
that haunted word shed.

To eat that strength
And grow social buffer length.

But instead I medicate,
Hide amongst what I create.

But what’s the point of camouflage
When trauma’s lacking triage.

I’m probably just being dramatic
And should keep these thoughts in my ego attic.

one becomes One when it's

all added together.

Each piece’s war contributes to

the peace of the whole.

Molecular flow powering

massive structures of little structures.

Structures build structures and fractals

continue as we zoom out

or in.



Can the cell consider the liver?

Can you consider humanity?

Can humanity consider the end of time?



Each decision adds to past.

Causality the molecular flow

of the grand structure of presence.

As inevitable as osmosis driven by

Salt concentration.

Don’t look at me with his **** in your throat
I don’t have the heart to see the joy in your eyes
While you guzzle down greed's breed seed.

Don’t moan at me with his **** in your ***
I don’t have the heart to see the pain in your eyes
While coal miners ******* into submission.

Don't cry to me when you inevitably ****** him
I don't have the heart to see you regret your life
While you beat, burn, bury, and drown mankind.

I spend a lot of time alone
Lonely
Stoney
Home
Drone
Tangents and vowels
Bowels
Scowls
How's
Thou
Crown
**** I’m losing it
****
Gnaw my self off to escape this trap

The blood Stark red against the snow
Tells a story of battle
Or slaughter.
No bodies or limbs
No gore or anything
Just blood and disturbed snow.
Blue cold clashing with warm sunset.

It’s that sunset at sunrise
Brain flickering to life
To live…
To live alone and longing
Longing to share that sunrise
With someone who wants to share it with me.

Because what’s the point of life
Of living…
If the best you can do is cower in
Self-serving hedonism.

Inky darkness envelops
Soul, fake as it is.
And like the great
Dying of winter’s will
I freeze within that
Omnipotent abyss

I seek destruction
For humanity’s farcical suffering
Let the end flow from
These fingertips dipped in pain.
Like leaves falling from branches.

You need to give it up
Pretending you love her
Because of **** words
Spoken through clenched toothed smiles
So what, she touched your ****
Not like she was the only one
And of course there will be others
With beautiful eyes and
Fascinating mind
You’re better than the painful memory
Certainly there are more chances
For happiness.

Skin torn away and muscle fibers frayed
Bones dry rotted and tendons snapped
Relentless digging delivered disaster
But at least I know now
There's nothing special to me
There's nothing special.

So now that I’m broken and alone
Nothing but edge to hone
All that's left is to be the scythe
Unsheathed and bare before barren fields
And I’ll reap what's sown.

I am the embers after the conflagration
Smoldering silently after a pyric youth.
Coals flaring in the winds of change
Smoke like phantom of a bright past.

But the heat is still there, resilient
Eager to leap to new fuel.
Bring me your unspent passion
And let us burn brightly together.

Dark eyes compel me to act
Rash without fact and tact.

Pulse and life quicken within
That memory of sin and gin

And then death
Because end
Is absolute.

My heart is the still full box
Of cookies left on the counter
In the office kitchen with the
Sticky note on it that says
"Please help yourself"

But no one does and they
Grow stale.
People turn their noses up
At the idea of taking a cookie
Thinking to themselves
"There's a reason no one is eating those"

We change and grow.
Strange is the flow
And range of our glow

Dim to bright to dim
Grin to fright to grin

And why must fear be so powerful
In my life
I’m afraid of the strife
Brought by progress in time
Brought by foot steps through grime.

So I search for that other
Looking for what will smother
That deepest darkness

As if that would work.

Mind your tongue in the presence of
Blind fools in the throws of love

Fit your feet in shoes to walk through
**** that's deep in wake of the blue

Leave behind the woes and failures
Greave the loss of partner sailors

Bend the stem to feel the sun
Rend the fat from vic'tries won

Fear the broken, maniac, and numb
Clear detritus from teeth and gum

Dream of times when truth trumps lies
Scream your pain till the world abides

Never forget that you are real
Clever men don’t break love’s seal.