Re-entry was not kind to me.
After falling’s friction fried my shell
The crater.

Steep walls rim the impact depression,
The rain slowly fills it.
One day I’ll drown, I think.

Such is the price of holding the moon
Of reaching….so far above yourself.
At least I can still see it,
And relive the ascent in memory.

Finding confidence
Or rather
Finding apathy
What happens when nihilism
Overwhelms pessimism
Overwhelms doubt.

We're just dust organized interestingly
So smile
At me or her or him
And ignore failure’s omnipresence
Enjoy your freedom.

Of expectation
Of not meeting expectations
And I see my peers
Competing for money
For fame
For history
At the peak of this field.

While I write depressing *******
About my ******* depression
As if it matters
As if I matter
Using clichè as a form of self-destruction
Roses kiss the moon and blood
Hah, I forgot the rain.

But have you really put yourself out there?

You should just try harder.

You'll find someone eventually.

I remember so little now,
In my advanced age of 35,
And all my life I’ve lived like
It was going to last forever.
But memories fade, and lacking
Evidence, photographic kind, of me
Being alive, what’s to say any of it
Ever happened?

"You should live in the moment"
And you can’t take material things
When you die.
But nothing survives death anyway,
That’s the point.
An end to make all the forgotten moments
Meaningful.

Don’t look away
When the man weeps
When the woman dies
When the child wails
When the dog whines

Cruelty is the universe moving
Suffering is the feeling of life

Don’t look away
Into the happy times
Into the fearful memory
Into the conceited depression
Into the fake gods

You can’t escape your fate
You won’t evade death.

one becomes One when it's

all added together.

Each piece’s war contributes to

the peace of the whole.

Molecular flow powering

massive structures of little structures.

Structures build structures and fractals

continue as we zoom out

or in.



Can the cell consider the liver?

Can you consider humanity?

Can humanity consider the end of time?



Each decision adds to past.

Causality the molecular flow

of the grand structure of presence.

As inevitable as osmosis driven by

Salt concentration.

Everyone looks forward to being able
To take vacation and travel again, and
I do too, until I remember what it’s
Like to travel alone, and the hope recedes.

You need to give it up
Pretending you love her
Because of **** words
Spoken through clenched toothed smiles
So what, she touched your ****
Not like she was the only one
And of course there will be others
With beautiful eyes and
Fascinating mind
You’re better than the painful memory
Certainly there are more chances
For happiness.

We always equate success
With mountain tops
As if ascending the rocky spires
Is where you want to go.

It’s probably a bible thing
Moses and commandments
Seems silly, saying **** like that
Like God is on a ******* mountain.

And what do you get from success?
Money, comfort, happiness, love?
No, you get what you’ve always had
As any mountaineer can tell you

Nothing but views and cold at the top.

When the day is done
Truth wrung from every effort
Every retort replayed and analyzed
Quiet materialized by soft breathing and dim lights
All the little spites and manipulations suffuse my thoughts
From thirsty thots to insulting, smug *******
Viewed like disaster through rosy retrospect
Memories reflected by perfect hindsight
Petty it might be, but
I still glut on the shame.

Should your heart be sliced
And veins fill with ice.
Fall not before the myth of vice
Lest your hopes be destroyed twice.

For drugs, lust, and sloth
Merely leave you empty.
It is only like the froth
Atop the waves of emotion let free.

The peak trough life
***** the small one
I know that's not the phrase
But I’ve never seen anyone brag about
******* a small ****
So it must be worse
But I digress
I just want to repress that downward egress
And I don't want pills
I don't know what I want
A woman, mostly.

Muted colors and sounds
Senses acutely aware of their lacking
It’s that ringing shock of an explosion in your midst.

She burst into my sight
Tinkling laughter and warm smile

Stuck my tongue to the roof of my mouth
Lost control of vocal folds
Pitching wildly
Like a small boat in stormy seas.

Because…aren’t we?

Like droplets of blood
Slowly suffusing pools of tears
Darkness stains my ephemeral future
Swirling in inescapable fractal mazes
Until all paths point to pain

Flowery words cannot obscure
A history of failure
And futile struggling
Against constricting chains
Only further tears fragile flesh

We act strong because we are weak
Bold for fear of being meek
And when we finally sleep
Our legacy is earth’s rotten reek.

Close the book and let float the boat.
The sea awaits and its monsters
Well, they won't defeat themselves.

Reach inside, unsheathed that sword
Intellect or heart, creativity and art
Use what you grew for why you grew it.

Gray, but not depressed,
just homogeneous.
Life running together like the
confluence of yin and yang.
Stark and exactly the same.

The desire for contrast
Manifests as restlessness.
Waiting for something
To happen.
Waiting for thoughts... words
that will never come.

Because I am gray
Because she is vibrant
Whoever she is.

I did not conquer you,
If that’s even possible,
I just moved through
Your defense with nibbles
And whispered words like morning dew.

You took me seriously
But laughed at the right times
And I fell from winter easily
To your summer of sweet wine
And love’s epiphany.

Your scent drew me in
Forgive me this clichè
Which I could not keep within
For I am still waiting for the day
We meet and commit sin.

The throat choked by quotes from old poets
Grows dry and hoarse
Old words do that
Dusty and crusty
Musty and rusty

Soothe your throat with that
New style rap
And let your mind
Flap free from the
Constraints of tradition.

And in the mind/desire mire I set fire
To love's buyer and hide in melancholy’s pyre.
Because the flames consume
Love
Lack
Listing in seas with deep depth black
Soul and song sings some sorrow laden lyric
Because when all is gone there's just
me
Echoing from the deep
Unable to beckon eversleep
Unable to summon the courage to face
What waits when warm embraces erase
The space I’ve put between me and the world.

Mine is the life of a chew toy in a kennel.
Rubber skin covered in
Spit
From the ravenous dogs trying to
Rip me apart.

But I’m made for the abuse
And the ******* biting will be long
Dead
Before my skin cracks and colors fade

My first love was the sky….
All my eyes could scry were blue on high.
I couldn't stay in the air long enough to feel the sky's love

My second love was the moon…
lunatic heart harpooned by simple smile's boon.
She was surrounded by stars and I don't shine bright enough.

I tried to love the sun….
platitudes shunned and truth shot from love's gun.
Her light shined on tall trees before me so I took my leave.

Full to the ******* brim
With wearying wretchedness
Lips sneer.

Empty and entropic
Missing mutual memories
Lump throat.

Lost in this listless state
Pretending perfecting purpose
Eyes down.

Lightning and ants
In limbs and in mind.
Like fire up the spine
Or aforementioned bugs in pants.
I’ve got no chill
No glass left fill.
It’s like this need to dance
Electric shock
A tick with no tock.
But reality won’t grant
The end to need
Or greed
The root to plant.

The grizzled veteran looks out over no-mans land,
scars visible on every part of exposed skin.
Eyes search the horizon
knowing the next assault will come.
…you're ugly…
…you're alone because you're flawed…
…no one wants you…
Each shell lands
near enough to true
cratering my field of resolve

I just want safe hands to hold me.
To give me the peace of mind
of knowing that I won't sleep alone.
That I won't wake to this hellish battlefield.
Someone to shield me from the artillery.
Someone to fill in the craters
and soothe the scars.

They seem happy enough
Though I can’t understand them.
The things they enjoy and value
So Alien.

I like to pretend that I’m
A stranger in a strange place.
It makes rationalizing easier.

An easy excuse
To be alone and
Disconnected.

It’s like this hole
Inside
Nothing physical
No wound or injury
Just this emptiness
Absence
It hurts worse than anything
And I’ve been injured
Broken bones and joints
Cuts, stabs, burns, shocks and all the like
But that wasn’t true pain
Just my brain relating events
Real pain is knowing a truth
Shown by countless smiles
Whispers and glances
You are alone.
You have been rejected
Not just once
But every single time.
That part of you meant to connect
Absent a connection.

Fire brain throat teeth
Frustration felt in my entirety.
Sell me something
Beat me at something
Tell me I’m wrong
Dismiss me

**** I’m tired of being the optimism of your life
While you wallow in the filth of your depression
Anxiety pills, relaxing scents, and dreaming peasants

Creativity contrasting corrosion
Of will
Or motivation
Add another apathetic
Night to
The blur.

Inspiration insufficient inside
That well
Or pit,
Staying stagnant, sniping
At flaws
And weaknesses.

“Be happy!” They zealously scream
From spittle flecked mouths
Like it’s so bad to be unhappy.
Happiness, contentedness
Stagnation.

Tell me why I should seek what’s above happiness
Transcend comfort or reject contentment’s gravity
Resign to your fate of obscure averageness?

I miss the woman I lost
I regret the opportunities missed
I lament my poor decisions
So I won’t do it again.

At this point I hope for world’s end,
Given up on mending will’s bend,
Taking solace in thoughts of souls' rent.

I have little left, looking forward.
And much less looking backward.
Resilience stretches thin, inward.

Time for it to all burn.
It’s this world’s turn,
To submit to life’s wheel's churn.

And from the sky came rain
Not voices
No angels or demons
No face in the clouds
Just rain
Dampening sound from scream let free
Frustration given the reigns
But he's still alone
And the sky doesn't give a ****.

It’s hilarious how profound
We think we are, astounding
The masses with our slick
Rhyme and meter shtick.

That pinprick of light
Must reside somewhere
Shining dimly through me
But I am necessary
For that miniscule hope to exist
And all the hands holding hard
To its goodness
Beset on all sides by my omnipresence
But the contrast is needed
And which is better, the good?
Or the reason the good exists?

We fight daily wars
And it changes us
The fight to survive and pretend to thrive
Buy and buy
How much for your time?
Your day or year
At least they buy yours
At least you get to pick your cage.

The house and the fence
Porches and pets
Maybe love.

And that should be enough
You must not be greedy
See how they give to needy
See how the pleading stirs their soul
And aren’t you thankful
For all that you have.

They always seem so…
shattered
In the movies
When they are betrayed
And it highlights my
Deficiency
With connection
I know I should  feel
Something
But I don’t
I’m clearly just so…
Broken
Or wholely incomplete.

There must be something wrong with my soul.
I’m willing to be who they want
Just so I can be who they want.

But I’m still just one
In a world of zeroes and twos
And Three Dog Night sang right about
One.

But I smile to people and hide how
….Feeble….
I feel.

Inside I am chaos and wreckage
Jealous of how happy she is
Outside I’m fat and ugly
Dying slowly with every laugh.

There's something missing here.

You see me now
An obelisk
Rising over the barren battlefield of old
A relic of wars past
Or was it that other thing
In which all thing's fair?

Welcome is the breaking branch,
fallen from hopes and pleasant futures.
May it land safely on the
neck of despair.

Buds of love, lust, and luck
sprout from now withered twigs,
never blossoming on trampled
underbrush.

There's this box we're given as children.
And inside it are all the tools
and materials
and instructions that
They
want you to use when you make yourself.
None of it is bad,
in fact, most of it is
Probably
pretty positive for your life.
But doesn't it
Burn
your insides up to know
that you're built from a ******* template?
That all you could hope for
is minor alterations to a
Stale
overused and boring design.
Take that box and dump it into the river.

I’ve got it in my head,
that haunted word shed.

To eat that strength
And grow social buffer length.

But instead I medicate,
Hide amongst what I create.

But what’s the point of camouflage
When trauma’s lacking triage.

I’m probably just being dramatic
And should keep these thoughts in my ego attic.

The scientist turns its head away
Horrified by what it saw.
“they eat everything!”
It exclaims, attention shifted to the other experimenter.
Imperious and dispassionate “yes" is replied
“they reproduce voraciously as well.”
The smell of *****
“apparently” it continues “consent is not considered”
A whirring sounds as the observation window closes.
drowning out the weeping from the habitat.
“what should we do?” shudder “the suffering….”
teeth glint
“yes, life is suffering for them.”
Dismissively “send them to that 3rd planet in the backwater system"
Sudden purpose “should we give them the test?”
A chuckle rasps “yes, give them 3 gods and see if they figure it out"
Fear flashes “I hope they don't.”

And then I was alone
With all my things
Accumulated like a bird’s feathers
They allow flight and
Attempt to attract mates.

But it never works
Flightless
Mateless
And obscured by these feather-like
Possessions.

Lately I’ve been feeling better
About life and future weather

I don't know when I started feeling bad
Probably when I ripped the scab
That covered the sore
Of love’s lacking lore

But blood's seeping finally stopped
Bleeding.
That hollow is truly empty now.

That avalanche of *******
You call living day to day
With empty eyes and arms sliced
Blades
Blood
Bury your ******* dreams
In the back yard of that corporation
That office full of death and undeath
Those wise words wishing well
On your descent up the ladder.
Life lived like loss and happiness offset.

To all those who scoff at Valentine’s Day
For being overly materialistic
I would like to say go **** yourself.
I’d love to have a companion to spend money on
To shower with materials and love.
I don’t need to hear you flex your
Romantic privilege.

A million suns surround
And encase.
Impossibly bright and
Such pressure…
It forces me inward.
To that core.
To that part of myself
That won’t break.
But bends and compresses.
Like rubber,
Or the bottom of a
Shoe that treads
Across broken glass and trash.
The wreckage
Of a life lived careless.

And then I found myself atop the mountain
Overlooking the vastness of reality before me

The lung hale
The eye saw
The nose scent

But that cliff dropped away when my balance did sway
And the gall of gravity’s fall made small the world’s pall.
And the spit hit my bit lip and tongue ground grit.

And…
I don’t know how the future be
Or holds
But I’m eager to get over it
And see.

At the fountain's edge I see you
Resplendent in your cloak of acceptance
Smiling down warmly to the ghouls
Swimming in the pool of fate's fountain.
How I wish to join that naïve bliss
And feel the love the world can offer.

Blood, hearts, and mud mired mythology
all fail to describe that desire for pale skin and lust's fire.


But I still can't see past the crush,
mind blanks and stomach stabbed by nausea shanks
what the ****.


I feel half my age and not in the good way often espoused by the saged
But in the small way that makes you remember how powerless you were.
How powerless you are.


When the fever breaks you're not getting better.
When the sickness passes you're not getting better.
Scars mar hope's north star.
Until you can't find your way forward.
Until just going anywhere gets you more and more lost.