Ahh, there it is.
That old but bold,
Rolled and hold-up
Haven of mold and decay.
Like I never left it,
Festered and prolific
The round hole for my square peg of happiness.

I’ve spent my whole life alone,
Trying to atone for whatever flaws shown
Knowing it’s for nothing.
I had a sniff once, the barest taste of other.
And now it haunts like a Dancer flaunts
Exquisite and impossible to ignore.

I am the embers after the conflagration
Smoldering silently after a pyric youth.
Coals flaring in the winds of change
Smoke like phantom of a bright past.

But the heat is still there, resilient
Eager to leap to new fuel.
Bring me your unspent passion
And let us burn brightly together.

Neon outlined clouds in the night sky
Lit from behind by the hidden moon.

Surreal sight seeing such during dark’s reign
As in all things, contrast reveals beauty.

Reflection reveals the symbol as connected
To the viewer’s depth of reality.

But have you really put yourself out there?

You should just try harder.

You'll find someone eventually.

The sky cracks stack until
There’s a legitimate Blindspot
Silver lined with that eye spot
Censor I can place just on
Your stupid ******* face.

Blinking at my screen
Not so fast as it.
Thought arrived, of explosions
Not so fast as it.
And life’s lived therein
Not so fast as it.
This unfolding infinity
Not so fast as it.
Expanding explosion of everything.
Not so fast as it
Could be the beat of a heart,
Not so fast as it.
But that big bang is,
Not so fast as it,
Slowed by our interior perspective.
Not so fast as it.
The shock to chaos for reorder
Not so fast as it.
Like moving or supernovae
Not so fast as it.
But thoughts flee,
Not so fast as it
Changes perspective.

I remember so little now,
In my advanced age of 35,
And all my life I’ve lived like
It was going to last forever.
But memories fade, and lacking
Evidence, photographic kind, of me
Being alive, what’s to say any of it
Ever happened?

"You should live in the moment"
And you can’t take material things
When you die.
But nothing survives death anyway,
That’s the point.
An end to make all the forgotten moments
Meaningful.

I’ve got it in my head,
that haunted word shed.

To eat that strength
And grow social buffer length.

But instead I medicate,
Hide amongst what I create.

But what’s the point of camouflage
When trauma’s lacking triage.

I’m probably just being dramatic
And should keep these thoughts in my ego attic.

“Be happy!” They zealously scream
From spittle flecked mouths
Like it’s so bad to be unhappy.
Happiness, contentedness
Stagnation.

Tell me why I should seek what’s above happiness
Transcend comfort or reject contentment’s gravity
Resign to your fate of obscure averageness?

I miss the woman I lost
I regret the opportunities missed
I lament my poor decisions
So I won’t do it again.

Like the sun’s drop into the reflected
Ocean horizon
I submerge into the filth
Of corporate greed
I maintain separation, but from your beach
Appearances can be decieving.

From height, the bottom is abyss
But I have seen into it
And I have become it
And my hands no longer appear before me.

As if there was ever any purpose, anyway.

There’s a word stuck in my hand
Like a song in the brain
Or bathing suit sand.

So I write out all I can think
All that feel close anyway
But every attempt just makes it sink.

So don’t mind me if I sound craz-ee
Because I’m not okay, and that’s normal
Or at least it seems to be for me.

It’s hilarious how profound
We think we are, astounding
The masses with our slick
Rhyme and meter shtick.

The small space
People place

Like little things
Easy understanding

But you are more.

I did not conquer you,
If that’s even possible,
I just moved through
Your defense with nibbles
And whispered words like morning dew.

You took me seriously
But laughed at the right times
And I fell from winter easily
To your summer of sweet wine
And love’s epiphany.

Your scent drew me in
Forgive me this clichè
Which I could not keep within
For I am still waiting for the day
We meet and commit sin.

Should your heart be sliced
And veins fill with ice.
Fall not before the myth of vice
Lest your hopes be destroyed twice.

For drugs, lust, and sloth
Merely leave you empty.
It is only like the froth
Atop the waves of emotion let free.

Lightning and ants
In limbs and in mind.
Like fire up the spine
Or aforementioned bugs in pants.
I’ve got no chill
No glass left fill.
It’s like this need to dance
Electric shock
A tick with no tock.
But reality won’t grant
The end to need
Or greed
The root to plant.

If I could somehow say
What I’ve been made
I’d force the day
That taught my brain
To fear the gray.

You, the royal you
Of that soft goo,
A small review,
Of will renew
With darkness true.

I see strong signs
Of empty mines
Or growing grime
And forced resign
I’m brined in whine.

The fact that I haven’t up and left
This life with violence
Is a miracle in itself, with
All the loneliness and
Pressure to succeed, that, need to be
Free, but missing connection
And longing for love while feeling
So shunned by society.
I foolishly look back on old flames
As if their game’s not been played
As if my fat, disgusting form would
Be acceptable, much less
Desirable. Even my mother
Doesn’t think I could be loved.

Everyone looks forward to being able
To take vacation and travel again, and
I do too, until I remember what it’s
Like to travel alone, and the hope recedes.

A million suns surround
And encase.
Impossibly bright and
Such pressure…
It forces me inward.
To that core.
To that part of myself
That won’t break.
But bends and compresses.
Like rubber,
Or the bottom of a
Shoe that treads
Across broken glass and trash.
The wreckage
Of a life lived careless.

They seem happy enough
Though I can’t understand them.
The things they enjoy and value
So Alien.

I like to pretend that I’m
A stranger in a strange place.
It makes rationalizing easier.

An easy excuse
To be alone and
Disconnected.

It’s that sunset at sunrise
Brain flickering to life
To live…
To live alone and longing
Longing to share that sunrise
With someone who wants to share it with me.

Because what’s the point of life
Of living…
If the best you can do is cower in
Self-serving hedonism.

When the day is done
Truth wrung from every effort
Every retort replayed and analyzed
Quiet materialized by soft breathing and dim lights
All the little spites and manipulations suffuse my thoughts
From thirsty thots to insulting, smug *******
Viewed like disaster through rosy retrospect
Memories reflected by perfect hindsight
Petty it might be, but
I still glut on the shame.

I don’t know which is worse
Feeling cursed by winter’s cold isolation
Or future’s immolation by past’s failure.
Like some sailor in lonely seas
Knowing that perfect she, just doesn’t exist for me.

We always equate success
With mountain tops
As if ascending the rocky spires
Is where you want to go.

It’s probably a bible thing
Moses and commandments
Seems silly, saying **** like that
Like God is on a ******* mountain.

And what do you get from success?
Money, comfort, happiness, love?
No, you get what you’ve always had
As any mountaineer can tell you

Nothing but views and cold at the top.

Chewed through lip
Copper taste and other shoe’s drop waits
Nervous habits of caffeine neuroticism.

Seems to me
People fail see
What’s important,
Really,
Until what they truly
Want is out of reach.

Depicted perfectly
By this lonely
Soul, failing
Ultimately,
At finding intimacy.

Creativity contrasting corrosion
Of will
Or motivation
Add another apathetic
Night to
The blur.

Inspiration insufficient inside
That well
Or pit,
Staying stagnant, sniping
At flaws
And weaknesses.

As I slowly slide down steep sided peak
The idea occurs
“Is purpose portrayed in progress?”
The mutable perspective of time’s fickle trickle
What experiences we lounge in
Slow boredom
Slippery distraction
That glacial crawl past pain
The ever fleeting ******
Senses suppose suffering’s supreme,
It seems.

Sour mouth truth teller
Spits on the graves of
Vanquished foes
Vanquished friends
Stares daggers at
Jealous lovers
Anguished loveless.

The taste of words and grapes.

That pinprick of light
Must reside somewhere
Shining dimly through me
But I am necessary
For that miniscule hope to exist
And all the hands holding hard
To its goodness
Beset on all sides by my omnipresence
But the contrast is needed
And which is better, the good?
Or the reason the good exists?

Like droplets of blood
Slowly suffusing pools of tears
Darkness stains my ephemeral future
Swirling in inescapable fractal mazes
Until all paths point to pain

Flowery words cannot obscure
A history of failure
And futile struggling
Against constricting chains
Only further tears fragile flesh

We act strong because we are weak
Bold for fear of being meek
And when we finally sleep
Our legacy is earth’s rotten reek.

You need to give it up
Pretending you love her
Because of **** words
Spoken through clenched toothed smiles
So what, she touched your ****
Not like she was the only one
And of course there will be others
With beautiful eyes and
Fascinating mind
You’re better than the painful memory
Certainly there are more chances
For happiness.

Inky darkness envelops
Soul, fake as it is.
And like the great
Dying of winter’s will
I freeze within that
Omnipotent abyss

I seek destruction
For humanity’s farcical suffering
Let the end flow from
These fingertips dipped in pain.
Like leaves falling from branches.

They always seem so…
shattered
In the movies
When they are betrayed
And it highlights my
Deficiency
With connection
I know I should  feel
Something
But I don’t
I’m clearly just so…
Broken
Or wholely incomplete.

Full to the ******* brim
With wearying wretchedness
Lips sneer.

Empty and entropic
Missing mutual memories
Lump throat.

Lost in this listless state
Pretending perfecting purpose
Eyes down.

The throat choked by quotes from old poets
Grows dry and hoarse
Old words do that
Dusty and crusty
Musty and rusty

Soothe your throat with that
New style rap
And let your mind
Flap free from the
Constraints of tradition.

To close eyes
And let dreams reign
Fall into the future
Makes the next day
The next disappointment
The next pile of stress
Arrive.

It’s like this hole
Inside
Nothing physical
No wound or injury
Just this emptiness
Absence
It hurts worse than anything
And I’ve been injured
Broken bones and joints
Cuts, stabs, burns, shocks and all the like
But that wasn’t true pain
Just my brain relating events
Real pain is knowing a truth
Shown by countless smiles
Whispers and glances
You are alone.
You have been rejected
Not just once
But every single time.
That part of you meant to connect
Absent a connection.

At this point I hope for world’s end,
Given up on mending will’s bend,
Taking solace in thoughts of souls' rent.

I have little left, looking forward.
And much less looking backward.
Resilience stretches thin, inward.

Time for it to all burn.
It’s this world’s turn,
To submit to life’s wheel's churn.

Rotations and revolutions
Counting convolutions
Of causality and expression.

Time

When had it all gone wrong?
That young man full of song
So innocent
Full of bliss
Now broken
Alone, unmissed.

Such growth while away
Hardened in the fray
Searching for truth
Lost in fog
Groping at cliffs
Fingers failing
Losing grip.

“Push through the pain!”
They say, seeing his strain
He welcomes the sound
Full of ignorance
Now remade
All scars and endurance.

******* and *****
Triple slammed lips
Love and violence

Passion
But in my case
The desire
Is what matters.

Desire for blood
The need for moans under moonlight.

Give me a face to punch that isn’t my own
Give me a mind to **** that isn’t my own

Love
Violence
The things we men are bred for
Values and society and ****

Muted colors and sounds
Senses acutely aware of their lacking
It’s that ringing shock of an explosion in your midst.

She burst into my sight
Tinkling laughter and warm smile

Stuck my tongue to the roof of my mouth
Lost control of vocal folds
Pitching wildly
Like a small boat in stormy seas.

Because…aren’t we?

Mind your tongue in the presence of
Blind fools in the throws of love

Fit your feet in shoes to walk through
**** that's deep in wake of the blue

Leave behind the woes and failures
Greave the loss of partner sailors

Bend the stem to feel the sun
Rend the fat from vic'tries won

Fear the broken, maniac, and numb
Clear detritus from teeth and gum

Dream of times when truth trumps lies
Scream your pain till the world abides

Never forget that you are real
Clever men don’t break love’s seal.

I believe people
Too easily.
If I have no reason
To distrust them
I do not.
And how can I have
A reason to distrust
Someone who
I do not know.
I have not spoken with.
I have not understood.

Fickle time.
Causality is superficial
In the face of perception.

Fast when comfort reigns
Slow when suffering remains

But there’s no cause
For the emotion
No result
No result

And when loneliness suffuses
The perception of time
With no cause or result
Its superficial nature
Is revealed.

Higher dimensional inertia
Pulls
Until the universe shatters.
Spitting our matter as so much
Dust
In the beams of light
Shining through windows of
Consciousness.

Shards pass through other spaces
Surprising apes with strange
Lights
And images of little green men
With big heads and no
*****.

The truth is
That gold and memories
Are just what you have.

And they both can bring
Joy
In their having
Gold in the trading
And memory in the making.

But they’re both just things
To possess
And both are very valuable.

I prefer that which
Consumes them both
Alcohol.

Talk and talk
But that walk…
All hips and glide
Snide grin flips

Is there a season or
Warm hearts treason
Such a ****** cliché
As if your smile was for me.

I wish I could catch your eye
Or fly that moan and sigh
To the moon that I lost
…For that soul in frost…