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Iz Dec 2019
I remember the supervised showers
The crushed ice
The cries at night
The feeling of losing control
The idea that earbuds with the right twist and ties could make me die
The sewn on pillowcases
The weapon in scissors, mirrors, handles, sheets, bedposts, bags, shampoo, straps, glass, pens
The misdemeanor
The boy who’s anorexia was his slow suicide
The girl with two siblings that killed themselves
How everyone wanted to **** themself
The 7-year-old that only cried
The lime green hallways that haunt my mind
Found this poem from a year ago
Iz Dec 2019
I’m 15
I lie more then periodically
I hate my family
I don’t care
if your great grandma is also Swedish
I like attention
Every time I swim I scream
underwater til my throat gets raw
I wanted to die before
I learned what *** was
It’s easier to starve myself than love myself
I think I could be pretty
I wonder what it’s like to trust someone enough to let them hold you
I want to let someone hold me
I’m afraid of my mind most nights
I want to go to college but
I am scared
of leaving high school
My parents expectations are the only thing preventing me from dying
I’ve been to a psych ward
and mistook it for  home
I miss when my family used to have harmony
I think I’m underwater
Since it feels like no one can hear me
I miss when lies were only about sneaking an extra mint
I want to live but anxiety fogs my future
I don’t want to be 15
I’m sorry for saying what I mean
I’m tired of hiding my truth
Iz Dec 2019
Pain is the only healer I can befriend
Her unconventionality is my only sin
The bait and bleed
Then relief
She helped me when you only knew how to hurt
Iz Dec 2019
I reincarnate my past every time I meet someone new
I feel the need to bleed out my imperfections as a preface of what I might do, could do, want to
Is it a lie to push down the thing that once made us whole?
Even if that thing doesn’t live in us anymore?
Iz Oct 2019
Is it really survivors guilt if
I haven’t survived yet
Iz Sep 2019
I saw her today
I mean I never saw her face
But having spent a trimester
Memorizing every centimeter
I could see of her
I knew it was her

I’d called her my first
Girlfriend, Crush, Truth, Almost-Love, Shame, End, Pretend, Lie, Over the night
We never went on a date
I skipped held hands
We went straight to being ashamed
The way my pupils would inflate
I remember how I just couldn’t be
close enough to her
Even if our bodies were pressed together
Honestly I miss her
We were like
Best Friends Forever
Iz Jul 2019
It is 10 pm and I’m crying again
Tears a stream that is so familiar to me
But I’m not crying because I want to die
I am crying because I wanted to
I am crying for that 12-year-old girl
Who twirled
with suicide every night
I am crying because if the pills would have worked
the way I wished they would
I wouldn’t be here
No
I just wouldn't feel this way
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