I feel the poison as it bleeds
Through my veins and
Each one of my extremities
Burning my insides
Freeing my mind
I freely give up this sobriety
I tried to live cleanly
Taking care of my body
But it never fixed my sanity
The drinks slow me down
Make it easier to cope
With this suffocating anxiety
What good is a life
So easily controlled
By all the darkness inside of me
I ache to be free
To float gleefully
Away from this broken reality
And what I actually mean
Is that I'm ready to bleed
Until I am no longer a part of me

Soft lips and sharp breaths
My fingers run through your hair
Body to body
Heartbeat to heartbeat
I can't help but feel
This is where we're meant to be
Guided by the universe
We've reached a space where
Quiet, calm, and peace
Bloom from a simple touch

It feels like I've lived so many lives
Within these mere 24 years
I keep trying out different lifestyles
Making different choices
And yet so consistently weaved into
Each and every lifetime of mine
Are the echos of death calling out
When I'm fit and active I'm still hurting
The same as when I'm not
When I'm hydrated and eating healthily
My body feels a little lighter
But this heart weighs me down all the same
When I'm sober for almost 9 months
There are still so many days when
I want to give up and end it all
These types of reverberating emotions
Make me wonder if adults who **** themselves
Wanted to just as badly at 12
And 18
And 24

I am on the edge, teetering
Cool breeze splashes across my cheeks
As pebbles crumble to the Earth beneath
Bitterness dances across my tastebuds
Fear and pain electrifying my bloodstream
I am both pushed forward by fear and
Pulled back by grief
My chest feels empty, cavernous
Lonely
At the top of this cliff I must realize
I have spent my entire existence
Scaling this mountain of labels and advice
Searching for my truth in the lies of many
Dissecting myself into pieces to find
Exactly the part that is wrong
The piece I can remove or fix
To suddenly become whole,
Real, valid,
Normal
Alive
And now
Standing upon the cliffside
Staring down at the jagged edges
Rexperiencing the solid footholds
The close calls,
The danger and the pain
I realize that my truth doesnt exist out here
There is nothing wrong with me,
This isn't that easy
I have reached the top, looked outwards and found nothing
I came in search of answers and found the truth instead
There are no answers
I am enough
My emotions are not the enemy
Who I really am is not an outward destination
My truth has and always will live within me
I have the power to change my life
I just need to
Be Still
Listen
And know

When I'm with you, nothing else exists
Only you and your gorgeous smile
Our lips touch and I melt into you
Challenges and frustrations evaporate
As my soul sinks into a dance with yours
It's a feeling like warmth and home
It's all so new and yet
I feel safe lying here with you
Skin to skin, heart to heart
These feelings are indescribable
I trace gentle kisses across your face
And nuzzle my nose against yours
I'd stay here forever if I could
But these fleeting moments are more than enough

Dear 6 year-old me,

You're allowed to have feelings.
I'm sorry no one has told you that before
I know it's confusing to hear
When you were just guilted for getting angry
I promise that's not what you deserve
That's not the treatment you need
That's not going to help you grow
What it will do is teach you not to trust
Not just other people either
No, you'll learn not to trust even yourself
And that's the hardest part of it all
Because you have to live with you forever
And maybe that's part of the reason why
You'll be suicidal in 6 years
You'll start hurting yourself and
You'll feel stuck in a depression for
Almost an entire decade
Because you'll resent your feelings so much
That you'll bury them all with all your needs
Until you're nothing more than a mirror
Reflecting back to people
The things they want of you
Who they want you to be
What they want you to think and feel
You'll bury your feelings so deep
That you'll end up in abusive relationships
Because you're so used to being used
So used to being manipulated
And you just want to feel loved
And since love is an appropriate emotion
It's one of the few you can really feel
So you'll fall in love and think that
For love you have to do anything
Be anything
Even if it hurts
Even if you have to sensor yourself
All the way down to your thoughts
Just in case she asks what you're thinking
And you don't want to lie

I'm sorry if this all sounds scary to you
I promise it really is
Because human beings are social creatures
And feelings are integral to connection
And you weren't taught to connect
You never learned how to feel
No one showed you that it was ok
I promise that life isn't all bad though
Because you're going to learn to feel freely
I don't know when it'll happen yet
But I guarantee it will
We're 23 now and it's been getting better
It's still terrifying every single day
Every single moment when you make a choice
Between numbing to feel nothing at all
And letting yourself be as you are
It feels like a gun is at your head
And the most helpful option for you
Does not feel safe at all
Feeling isn't going to come easily
It will take so much time and energy
All of your patience and perseverance
But I know you'll get there
We'll get there
Because I'm here for you now
We'll learn how to feel together
Even when it's scary
Even when it's hard
I'll be right here with you
Because I love you
And it's ok to express your feelings
I promise I'm going to start listening now

With Love,
Carter

Anything brighter than the darkness
Can feel like the warmest light
For half your days in half your life
You were entombed in the night
The other half felt better
Like a breath of fresh air
Although the sadness still choked you
It felt easier there
There were still pitch black moments
Though you claimed you just blinked
You couldn't acknowledge the truth
Otherwise into despair you would sink
Many years have since gone
Many spent feeling alone and distressed
Until suddenly everything went grey
You even stopped feeling depressed
What once held positive memories
Then simply displayed a blank screen
An empty, monotone canvas
You asked "What does it mean?"
Do you think now of the phrase
About not seeking out truth
Until you're truly ready for answers?
As you stare into the face of your lost youth?
Because while you did have a place
Where light shone much more often
You didn't realize how many parts of care
Were still being forgotten
You had food and peace at times
You had shelter and space too
What you didn't have was emotional safety
Or a support system to talk to
Yes, you got to go to therapy
And that helped open a door
Yet you never even questioned why
She knew of the abuse and didn't do more
There were still so many broken promises
You still had to be strong
There were so many ways out
It went on far too long
Someone should have done more for you
To protect and give you care
To let you have emotions and feel safe
But they didn't and that's unfair
You deserved love, respect, and kindness
And every day you still do
I know I couldn't make the loneliness leave then
But now I will always be here for you

My mind preoccupied
Thoughts of you float by
Golden leaves on a gentle stream
Like autumn in the Midwest

I want to let you in
I want to let you see me
I know in my heart that
The universe brought us together
Right now, I'm scared to open the door
Standing at the precipice of my deeper self
It could be so easy to give you the keys
But parts of me feel cemented to the floor
The fear is stone cold against my soul
Clawing away at my breath and my composure
This risk could change everything
Strengthen or shatter this precious connection
I've shown you my pain before
But you don't know of this
The secret space nestled into me
An echoing void that feels so empty
Something is missing here
Something belongs there
But I don't know what it is
I've spent so long cramming this cavern full
Of *****, love, and drugs
And it always drains out again
Because
These things won't make me whole
And I don't know what will

Yesterday I had this realization
That type of realization that feels
So familiar
Because you've known about it
And kept your eyes closed to it
As though not seeing it won't make it real
As if running from it
Or constant distractions
Or unending numbing
Could spare you from it's grasp
From the truth
Your truth
Buried deep inside of you
Fighting you
Begging for air and to be let through
Because it's suffocating in there
And that pain doesn't **** the feeling
Only you
Because unfelt feelings become symptoms
And you can run until you collapse
Or even die from exertion
But in that last breath
That last thought in your head
Will finally seize you
And so as I drove towards our house
Not a home because it isn't safe there
Dreading the awkward silences
The conversation I knew was coming
I made space for my inner truth
That exiled realization I can't avoid anymore
And it told me I still want to die
I still feel alone and like I don't belong
Like there is no place in this striving world
No place for a nostalgic like me
Who believes in peace and accountability
And won't buy into the tech or the system
I have no home in this world
I want to stop and sit in the trees
But everyone and everything is racing past me
And their energy is infectious
A poison
The one I grew up breathing
The one telling me I need more
I need to be more
That even when I succeed it will never be enough
The goal post that's always moving
My brain is saturated with that anxiety
So even when I take a moment to breath
Everything inside me screams
As if there's something better I should be doing
And I am just so tired
I don't want this
I don't know how to make it stop
So my brain asks for death instead

There are so many things I want to tell you
All these words clammering through my brain
Emotions like nitrous explode under the surface
The intensity is disarming and terrifying
I feel like I'm losing my mind

My heartbeat shudders and my hands tremble
Whenever I'm sitting this close to you
You are stunning and sweet
Gentle like the flowers you love so much
I could talk with you all night long

I want to hear your dreams and your fears
All of the intricacies of you
I want to memorize your smile
And the lines of your hands
Lay under the stars and
Paint pictures into constellations
I want to feel your heart beating against mine
The harmony of our anxieties

I want to get drunk together
Just to ramble on through the night
Talking of nothing and everything at once
I want to explore new places
Get lost in the trees and
Sunburned on the beach

I want to be vulnerable and let you in
Knowing fully well I could get hurt
And taking that chance anyways

I'd be lying
if I said I was okay
I haven't seen the sun
For the last 3 days
Deep down I know
I'm not okay but
It's pretty hard to see
When my feels get in the way

I feel possessed by these coping mechanisms
Spirits I once let in so freely
Opened myself to them as a home
In return, they kept me safe for many years
Until keeping me safe meant keeping me locked inside
Among them
Where I would be safe
Nothing could get in
Yet, soon enough I realized
I could no longer get out
And now I'm sitting here
At the edge of my consciousness
Banging against the metal bars
Begging for a way out
And sometimes they do
Let me out
To breathe a moment
Let me off the leash to prove to them
That I am safe enough to be free
And it feels amazing and weightless
Like I am fluid and free
Until the moment I feel threatened
And my panic calls out to those spirits again
They sooth me and care for me
Gently washing over me and
Managing the stress with ease
Until I am calm
Sitting snugly behind
The metal bars again

I like you
More
Than I like other friends
Somehow our connection
Feels
So much different
Much more intense
Thoughts
Spinning wildly in my brain
Knowing deep down
You
Could never feel the same
My feelings for you are
Unreal
They feel wild and dangerous
It's like ripping open my
Soul
Being immensely vulnerable
Constantly craving the
Honesty
Yet so viscerally afraid of the truth
I want to drown this part of
Me
Let it float out to sea
Pretend it's not
Real
Until that becomes reality
Til then I'll beg the
Universe
To let me be free
I'm so scared it's
Love
Too much, too fast, too me

You are
The smell of laundry
But not that cheap linen candle smell
It's a mix of detergent and something else
Something I can't place
Something so,
you.

And when I think of you
My heart does acrobatics
Flying through my chest fearlessly
As if the strings could never break
Even though they can
And they might
But right now it's all you.

You ignite something inside my soul that I forgot existed
When we are together
I am beyond aware of myself
Because every nerve is screaming
Because I want to touch you
And I don't mean ***
You are worth so much more than that

I want to feel your soft hand in mine
As I memorize the feeling of each line
I want to hug you for hours
As if time were at our disposal
I want to run my fingertips across your skin
Trying to figure out where it's been broken
And giving extra attention to your scars
Because they're a part of you
And they're beautiful
I want to feel everything I do
Without this fear and confusion
I want to make you happy
You deserve that more than anything

But I'm afraid to hurt you
I've dug myself into a hole
And I can either keep digging to uncover my feelings for you
Or I can return to the comfortable light of my routine
But I think we both know
That comfortable isn't always right

Here, on my knees
I'm begging for answers
Gravel cuts into my flesh
Ripping right through me
The blood stained rubble
Loudly recalls my humanity
Tears made of dust and dirt
Are suspended indefinitely
I am alone in the darkness
Cold down through my bones
There are lights in the distance
A million roads lay before me
But I can't tell what's real
From all the illusions

I've been avoiding thoughts of the future
Because I know what it's bringing
In just a few weeks you won't be here anymore
And I know it's just for three months
But it's three months
That's a long time to not see you
That's a long time to not hug you
You're my best friend
You make this town feel tolerable
And make it feel like I'm not alone
You mean so much to me

We've been through a lot together
And I've been too afraid to think about it
Too afraid that I've just been isolating
Instead of letting myself miss you
Instead of enjoying our remaining time together
I know a few weeks turns to a few days quickly
I know you'll be leaving soon
I know I'll have to say goodbye

I don't want to waste this time
Just because I'm too afraid to cry
And too afraid to feel vulnerable
That's not fair to either of us
I love you and I already miss you
It feels like we just started opening up again
And I know this isn't the end
It just feels like it right now

Tears stain my face and
You're coming over soon
So much of me wants to scrub them away
To not let you see how much I'm feeling
To not let you see how much I care
But I know that won't help
It's terrifying to let you see me
But I love you so much
I don't want to lose our connection
I won't let this fear rule me anymore
We're worth being vulnerable for

I walk along the river
A lightly treaded path
Untouched by most
Where did my adventurous spirit go
I no longer feel the thrill.
Where are you?
I wonder as I gaze across the water
Why am I here?
My fingers graze the long grasses
Careful as the muddy path narrows
Bending closer towards the water
Each step becomes calculated
I can hear the ground
Mushing under my shoes
My heavy heart weighing me down
Dragging my legs like lead
Down down down
I want to stop
I want to turn back
This road is so lonely
And I feel so lost
Screams echo in my mind
Past mistakes and present expectations
Clang and screech
Like metal on metal
As my legs tremble beneath me
Giving out til the mud ***** in my knees
And my hands grasp at the sopping ground
I want to dig my fingernails into something
Anything solid
Crawling and pulling
I drag myself forward
Until my body collapses into the water
Like a lifeless sponge
The current pulling me in like sweet release
Except when I finally sit up
And stare into these depths beneath me
My reflection doesn't exist
Instead
The sky stares back at me
Blue and promising
And i know i need to keep walking
Because I'm not there yet

We're walking hand in hand
My partner and I
Following a paved path through the park
Our feet sink a little deeper in each step
As we cross into dewy grass
As I lay out our rainbow blanket
6 feet from water's edge
I'm lost in my own thoughts
So much so that I don't even notice
When you've stood up and
Walked to the water's edge
I only notice when I hear the water splash
You're already waist-deep when I reach the edge
"What are you doing?"
I yell and you simply stare at me with a smile in your eyes
Your arm extends and your fingertips beckon
You want me to join you
My mind starts spinning with excuses
I'm wearing jeans so the water would feel gross
I can't leave our things unattended
It's chilly today, we could get sick
There could be sharks in the water
You don't hear any of it
As you sink further into the cerulean abyss
Suddenly I am aware of my best friend
They're by your side and you both look happy
They reach their arms out to me too
I feel so alone on the shore
Yet my mind keeps feeding me reasons
To avoid taking the plunge
I rub my eyes and run my hands through my greasy hair
I look back up and now the animals have joined you
My sweet kittens and the brown dog
Very rapidly, everyone I care about
Emerges from the depths
My mom and her partner
My high school best friend
My college best friend
All of their arms outstretched towards me
The panic sets in as I lean over the edge
My own face reflects back at me
The image shimmers as tears fall into the water
My face remains entirely dry
As my reflection continues to cry
I don't understand
My loved ones continue to reach for me
So many arms aimed in my direction
It feels extremely threatening
Yet I know they're there to catch me
I decide to join them and
I can't step over the edge
My body doesn’t want to give in
A running start doesn't help either
As my feet are glued to the grass
Anxiety shocks all of my limbs
I feel so alone
I feel so scared
I am so close to where I want to be
But I'm still not there
I can see the path so clearly
I can see the safety net of my chosen family
And I still can't move

I feel you within me
Such a small child
Not the smallest one there
But definitely the most confident

With hands torn up
You can always see the blood
You always made me see it too
Saying that we can't forget our roots

That's how you keep yourself safe
How you keep me safe
You tell me you are the sole protector
There is no one else
Even when there should have been
And it's been so long that
You can't remember what you deserve
So you believe there never can be anyone else again

Even though I'm the oldest
You've always been the adult
Except I realzied that no matter how you feel
No matter how grown you needed to be
To take care of yourself and everyone else
You can never really be an adult
Because you're just a child
A kid that should've been loved
Should've been taken care of
Shown what it means to be a person

Instead?
You were alone and neglected
Left to your own care and coping
Slowly building up walls to stay safe
While quietly begging for someone to tear them down
To say it's ok to be small and
It's ok to feel pain
To feel anything

Instead?
You were left in the dark
Latching onto any form of light you could
Grades, writing, drugs, love
They all gave you something
Made you feel something
But love gave the biggest rush

Love was the answer
That missing piece you so desperately needed
With the most striking light
So you sought out the brightness in others
Even though some of those people
Were just wearing headlamps
Whose batteries died out very quickly
Leaving you cold and stuck in the dark
With their problems piled onto your own

And a few times we met the one
The one who could love us deeply
The one who saw us
Gave us undying love and support
And when you finally have access to
The light that you craved most
The one thing that you never had
That type of light no longer feels warm and inviting

It feels sharp and painful
It illuninates the truth that you've been avoiding
The fact that you were emotionally neglected
You raised yourself and lost your childhood
You're alone and you're lonely
And the only way to make it stop
Is to tear down those walls that kept you safe
The ones you think still do

And so
As the "adult"
You've made some tough choices that you regret
Because you think you're protecting yourself
You can't take back things you've said
Or fix the feelings you've hurt
It's just a part of this ride
You don't trust me as the real adult
Because you can't trust anyone

And yet,
I can take care of us now
I love you and it's ok to be small
Because you are small and scared and
So very very lonely

It's ok to have feelings and to let people in
Life is scary and things will go wrong
But you can always trust that I will keep us safe
We don't need the walls or the numbing
We are strong
We are safe
And we deserve love