Your arms are the most beautiful of homecomings.

She offered me her heart with trembling hands, I took it and held it tightly
With a steady grasp and the most honest of intentions
I sewed it carefully
Into the depths of my chest cavity
In the hole that was empty
Where I'd offered my heart anxiously
To the same woman
That had presented me
With hers, just moments before.

I love you
For everything that you are
For everything that you have been
And everything that you will ever be
I love you
For
The woman
You make out of me.

Me?
I eat embers of sunshine for breakfast
and wash them down with rain clouds.

I miss the way my name slipped through your lips the way water slips through finger tips
and i miss the way our finger tips were laced better than any shoe
i miss the way we'd lay with one another as though we could get lost in each other but i could never be more lost than when i looked into your eyes
i miss the way you calmed the storms in my heart,
the way your loving hands formed works of art, constructed the safest of landings right from the start.
and i miss the way you used to run your fingers through my hair, as you'd sit and stare with whispers in your breath and a tenderness in your movement saying "i care"
I miss the way you didn't look through me like most, you looked deep inside, picked up every flaw and regret and made a toast to the wonders that made me me.
i miss the way i knew in one swift glance, from the look of your stance, what the chance of forever was, and it was almost as promised hitlers suicide, and how you carefully entered the dark valleys of my heart, where others had shyed.
and i miss the way we slotted together better than the little counters in the game of connect four
and i miss the way you'd hold open the door to your soul
i miss the way we reminisced and promised to grow old
i miss the way i felt when you hung a sign on your heart saying sold
and i was elated because though it was belated i knew i was the lucky one to have such an important piece of you
and i miss the way we'd do all those things we did between the sheets, the way our eyes would meet, before we closed them together and embarked further into our romance,
As we'd partake in a dance, that only we knew.
i miss the way you planted butterflies in my stomach and fireflies in my eyes, the element of suprise when you came home with flowers
i miss the hours we spent just laying content
i miss reading and rereading those messages you sent, the beauty of your intent
i miss the taste of your lips
the way my hands felt around your hips
i miss the way those glasses framed the most beautiful masterpieces I've ever seen, the way you'd take something i had no understanding of, and show me what it means
i miss the way you filled the cavities of my heart, with hugs and i love yous which warmed me better than any cup of coffee ever could
The way you made me feel, so, so good
I miss the way you etched my initials into your the insides of your eyelids and i did the same with yours
I miss the way you calmed the shores
And i miss the way you'd sparkle and shine as you'd sit and remind me that its okay not to be okay and its okay that we're gay because we didn't have to fit into social formality, i miss the clarity, the calming of the raging wars in my mind, the directions when i had no idea where to start to find myself
i miss the way you couldn't have cared less about wealth because you said as long as we had happiness and health we were already millionaires.
I miss the way you took the fires in me that could have burnt down entire cities, and slowly but surely extinguished them,
I miss the way we tied ourselves to one another with double knots until we forgot to tell each other just how lucky we were, and until we started to stop showing each other how much we cared but instead the bruises we bared from the only person that had ever cared so much it hurt
until we lost touch, both physically and mentally until the insides of you and me began to unravel from each other internally
until happiness could only be found in setting free the one thing I've never wanted to hold onto most,
until the host that had kept my heart beating and my hopes alive buried them in the tears that fell from your eyes. And i despise the way
the only place id ever felt like i was home was now the only place id ever felt so alone.

Sometimes when I'm lost in this abyss
I wonder if you miss me
As much as I do you.

Sometimes when the clouds start to thunder
A dark and lonely storm
I wonder if you miss me
Holding you to keep you warm.
As much as I miss holding you
When the curtains they drew in the dawn
And each time we were reborn in each others arms,
Together.

And I wonder when these storms will start to clear
Because its already been a year and three days
And in so many ways
I still haven't let you go.

When she touches me,
It is not just my skin she scathes,
It is my soul.

There'd be no need to bleed
a pen of its ink
if only I had the ability 
to decipher what I think.

The clocks came to a halt
As our conversation cracked and fizzled out,
And there was no longer a need
To scream and shout
Because with our arms wrapped the enemy
Of our lover, one another,
We were once again complete.
But you were never willing to accept defeat.
The silence became intoxicating
As it seeped through, caressing the entire room
And fed up with the waiting,
Done with all the slating,
You got up and left
All too soon.
And our only goodbye was the mixture
Of our scents,
Your whiskey breath and my stale cigerettes.
That danced in the air.
The fire inside of me began to smoulder
And the devil on my shoulder
Lay down at rest.
The night grew colder
As day drew through the blinds
And reality burst through, in dark colours, amongst the leaves
And the gentle breeze from the window
Awoke me to its short sharp scratch.
As I came to realise
You were never hear
And really it's been three years
And  I'd spent the night showering myself in my tears
And grieving a loss that
Had been and gone
Many years ago.
The clocks started ticking again
As I accepted the reality
And the formality it came with.
As I dressed for work,
I buried all of the confusion
Anguish, pain and hurt
Under bright red lipstick.
Your favourite colour.
And though I knew what I knew
Before I left
I still turned and waved goodbye to you.
Our memories crammed inbetween frames
On the Mantel piece,
They say coping gets easier
Of those deceased
Tho I have my reasons to question
Such ideation.
It's been three years,
And the house is still the same
Everything is similar
Except now I'm classed as clinically insane.
I guess you could say,
Your death, tore open and apart
My cell membranes,
Leaving room only,
For damaging remains.


And the job I'd got up and dressed for
And the night id stayed up and present in
Wishing, to see you once more
Were both fantasies,
Dreams I'd formed
Tho I wasn't dreaming
And my my mind is screaming
For you to not be gone
And it will never stop
Until we are at peace as one.
So the sun may shine
And the clouds may break
But me, I will spend the day,
Laying under our duvet
Wrapped in yesterday's memories
Of you and I
And I will sit and cry and wait
For fantasy to overtake reality
Because its hard to understand
When the two are so blurred
That I have no clue
If I can do or undo something that's happened
When there's no pattern
Just confusion.
Evolution of a broken mind.
And if I dig deep enough
Consolidation in you I find.
Despite the constant reminders
That you're gone,
Baby I'm still holding on.

And people wonder why I struggle to sleep
My answer
I forgot how to count sheep
After the night you sliced up my dreams and threw me into relentless nightmares.

They say life's a dream, call this insomnia.

In the summer,
Embers of sunshine,
dance in the pupils of your eyes
As you wave your goodbyes,
To those cries,
Those April showers,
That have held you in their powers
For so long.

In the summer,
You open our arms to each day,
As you watch the old decay,
and lay
In the creases of your past,
Grounded on soft grass.

In the summer,
You shimmer and fly high,
With each laugh
that tumbles across you lips,
Each movement of your hips.

In the summer,
Flickers of hope,
elope,
at the curves of your smile,
Like ice cold, lemon juice,
You are glowing, glittering,
Reveling in your youth.

In the summer,
You are shards of blooming flowers,
Peacefully scattered between hours,
spent, laying content,
In your skin.

In the summer,
You are a work of art,
Handed down through the
passages of time
You sparkle and shine,
and the moon does not confine,
Such beauty.

In the summer,
Stars fizzle on your tongue,
as you sing a song,
that reminds you of long ago,
And in the summer
You plant cherry trees,
Serenity.

In the summer,
You lay contently for hours,
and the present it sours,
As grey skies,
Blanketed with reality,
Set upon you and me.
Whilst in the summer you are free,
Every victory,
has its losses,
And every summer
must become history.

So the sun may set
In the pupils of your eyes,
And those goodbyes you waved to your cries,
May resurface,
but the furnace inside of you,
Blazes so bright,
You don't need the sunlight,
To ignite the fight,
That lays dormant in your veins,
so as you lay in the remains and
Seeds of doubt become rife,
As you battle with lifes strife,
Never forget
That there'll always be tomorrow,
So don't you dare,
sit in sorrow, or shed a tear,
face your days with dear,
Because as soon as one summer is gone,
Another is near.

So the flower beds we laid upon
May become rotten,
And that laugh of yours may be forgotten,
But for what its worth, my love,
The memories we lovingly crafted,
like sand castles by the sea,
Will forever spend their days,
Washing upon the shore,
That is me.

Those lies you spun like a spiders web
Took place, built homes,
Inside my head.
And I didn't try to relocate
Because all I could do was appreciate
That someone finally cared.

And yes I was scared,
Of the danger, of living with a stranger
The inconsistencies, the mysteries
The roller coaster that was you and me.
But I stood my ground,
Too thankful,
To finally have someone around.

Those lies they weaved,
There way into the darkest corners of my mind
And in desperation I gave up trying to find myself.
Still I remained a squatter
In the squalor, the mess

New levels of doubt and distress arrived
But I pushed them aside
I waited for them to subside
As I sat, in tears, screamed and cried
And I confided in you, trusted in you
A sea of unfamiliarity,
Swimming in a river,
That was murky,
Searching for clarity
In a place
Where nothing was sign posted,
No sense of direction
Desperate for any form of connection.
Feet rooted,
I made no attempt to escape
As your cape began to drown me.

You chipped away
Day by day
My foundations
And I so badly wanted it to be okay
Because I could finally say
I had someone.
Someone that said they cared
Despite the bruises I bared.

When I say I want you
I don't just mean right here, right now,
I mean
I want all of you, from now until we're nearing the end of our lifeline, so we can replay and rewind the hands of time and get lost and reminisce, seal our memories with a kiss and smile in bliss.

I want you when you're smiling
And laughter is tumbling down your chin, when you bear your heart on your sleeve and cautiously invite me in. So I can carefully clasp it in my palms and disable the ringing of alarms, your concerns and qualms.
I want you when you're crying
Head in hands, fed up with the demands of day to day life, when struggles are rife. So I can get down on my knees, answer your pleas, anxieties cease, and place your hands in mine, as we unravel and unwind, the confusions in your mind.
I want you when you're insecure, when your wondering should I want more, when your unsure as to why it is that I adore, you. So I can carefully reassure that you are everything I've ever wanted and more and tell you one by one everything about you that I am grateful for.
I want you through the frustrations and accusations because we live in a nation that can be too small to accept, the love shared between our chests, because we both have *******.
I want you when you're wide awake at three in the morning, life's stresses and messes portrayed in the concern masking your smile. So I can walk each and every mile needed to reconcile your inner peace.
I want you when your fast asleep, where our bodies meet and greet each other in the most beautiful of embraces. So I can capture and appreciate the wonder of fate  and the miracles it makes as the ground shakes and my heart forsakes everything it was and everything it could be, because you now own it in its entirety.

I want you in a million and one spaces, places, pauses, causes.

I want you through and through, I want you, everything you think, feel, do,
I want you irrevocably, inexorably, infinitely.
For as long as you shall have me.

It must be hard
If you're not depressed
To understand the difficulty
Of just getting dressed
It must be hard
If you don't starve
To imagine winter woollens
Hats, gloves and scarves
In the summer.
It must be hard
If you don't ***** your food
To understand the waste
Once it's been swallowed and chewed
It must be heard
If you don't hear voices
To imagine
Someone else
Dictating your choices
It must be hard
If you don't have compulsions
To understand the urge
The panic and convulsions
Of just saying no.
It must be hard
If you don't have an attachment
To a narcotic or a bottle
To understand how it can
Throttle you, to just one more hit.
It must be hard,
If you don't cut at your wrists
To understand
How someone could do this.
It must be hard
If you don't suffer highs and lows
To understand how quickly
Such a feeling, comes and goes
As it pleases.
It must be hard
If you've never had a chemical imbalance
In your brain
Or a contributing factor, a stressful event
To understand the insane.

It's not like a broken leg,
A sprained wrist, the flu
Where someone can easily
Treat and diagnose you.
It's not something that just goes away
And I'm not trying to say
That everyone doesn't understand
I'm just lending a hand,
To those who struggle
To make sense
Of the dents in our thinking
The depths that we're sinking
The vacant eyes that are blinking
As we're thrown around inside
Our own minds.

2013 ©

The next time someone asks you if you're okay
And you routinely go to say
I'm fine,
Hold your tongue,
You're doing no wrong,
By simply being human.

Your unwell she says
With a look of dismay
I'm fine I insist
Tho the slits on my wrist
Suggest otherwise

Your weight is dangerously low
She tells me
I tell her, my weight is fine
As i disagree
And so commonly as we do
We agree to disagree
But to what degree was
I willing to sink
Before I reached the brink
The breaking point
You need to be here she reminds me
I reply quietly
That this place is for the sick
And me, I am fit.
I am the picture of health
I speak
Tho the weakness in my voice
Suggests quite the opposite
So in silence we sit
And wait
And the clock it ticks
As the minutes pass by
It's okay to cry
She reassuringly speaks
And slowly but surely
Those minutes pass into hours, days and weeks.
And I start to open up my eyes a little
Perhaps even start to realise
That maybe she was right and I was wrong
That maybe that self defeating song
I'd played over in my mind
Had started to unwind me from
The real me, from reality.
That maybe I wasn't quite the person I thought I had been
And that maybe those seems I'd sown
To protect myself
Had actually served in destroying my
Physical and emotional health

There are a million and one,
rainstorms, tucked neatly into those tearducts
enveloped in those beautiful eyes of yours,
didn't anyone ever tell you, love,
its okay to cry.
So let those rainstorms fall,
lace your cheeks and tumble gently over your pursed lips.
There's beauty in the break down,
There's beauty in this,
Moment of vulnerability,
Unfamiliarity,
And there will be clarity,
Once your storms have been exhausted,
And the sun will rise again,
In those eyes.
So darling sit and pull yourself close,
Let those liquid droplets,
Drown you in your clothes,
For i promise you will float.
Pull your knees in tight,
Cuddle up in your own embrace,
And allow those weighty storms,
To trickle down your face.
Feel free to whimper and maybe ask why,
Sweetheart, its perfectly okay to be hurt, be vulnerable, to cry.

There's not a doubt in my mind that she has my heart
I see it
Every time I look into her eyes.

I want to feel
your soft lips pressed tightly
against my kiss
making their way across my cheek,
i want to feel,
you whisper in my ears
i want you
as our desires
admit defeat.

I want to feel
your fingers slowly make their way
down my neck,
and slide up my vest
i want to feel
your hot breath
dancing its way
across every inch
of my chest.

i want to feel
our bodies collide
as you make soft music
out of mine.
i want to feel you
draw pictures
out of the claw marks
along my spine.

I want to feel
your tongue
make its down my stomach
and between my thighs
i want to feel
your fingers slip
gently
inside.

I want to feel
you slowly
take your tongue and
those hungry red lips
cradling, caressing,
tasting, savouring
between my
pleading hips,

I want to feel
my palms smashing
into our
headboard
as I beg you,
again and again
please baby,
just once
more.

I want to feel
my legs shake,
as you create an
earth quake inside
of me
that'll leave me quivering
for days.

I want our pillows
embedded and engrained
scents, tastes
memories
that put our wildest
fantasies and dreams
to shame.

I want to feel your fingers slip up my vest, feel your hot breath dancing down my chest.

I want my pillow embedded with memories of you that put fantasies and dreams to shame. I want scents, moans, tastes engrained.

I want my naked skin weaved around yours, I want to leave claw marks along your spine as you beg for more, smash your palms into our headboard.

I want to feel your legs shake, as I start an earth quake inside of you, that'll leave you quivering for days.

Losing you proved harder than
I'd ever imagined.
So I took the memory
And pretended it never happened.

I buried you,
In the corners of my smile,
And hid you in the gaps between my teeth,
And every once in awhile,
I shone you,
In an attempt to conceal my grief.

I bottled your scent,
And put it in my pocket,
I captured those enchanting eyes
And placed them in my sockets.
I tuned your name into the beats
Of my heart,
I sewed you perfectly, into me,
So as not to tear myself apart.

I took that warm touch of yours,
And carried it in my hands,
I took that soothing voice,
And placed it into bands,
That I laced through my hair,
So when my levels of despair
Reached boiling point,
I'd never forget, that you were there,
That you had always cared.

I took your reassuring grasp,
So I'd never walk alone,
I kept your number,
Tucked neatly in my phone.
I took your kind and gentle ways,
And reinforced them to myself
As the days,
Passed by.

People told me I should start to let go
And I simply replied
With the answer of no.
Because letting go,
Means losing all of you,
And call me crazy,
But that I could never do.

Losing you proved harder than
I'd ever imagined.
So I took the memory
And pretended it never happened.

I buried you,
In the corners of my smile,
And hid you in the gaps between my teeth,
And every once in awhile,
I shone you,
In an attempt to conceal my grief.

I bottled your scent,
And put it in my pocket,
I captured those enchanting eyes
And placed them in my sockets.
I tuned your name into the beats
Of my heart,
I sewed you perfectly, into me,
So as not to tear myself apart.

I took that warm touch of yours,
And carried it in my hands,
I took that soothing voice,
And placed it into bands,
That I laced through my hair,
So when my levels of despair
Reached boiling point,
I'd never forget, that you were there,
That you had always cared.

I took your reassuring grasp,
So I'd never walk alone,
I kept your number,
Tucked neatly in my phone.
I took your kind and gentle ways,
And reinforced them to myself
As the days,
Passed by.

People told me I should start to let go
And I simply replied
With the answer of no.
Because letting go,
Means losing all of you,
And call me crazy,
But that I could never do.

I write the kind of poetry
That gets stuck to the roof of your mouth
That you'll choke on as you swallow down.

I write the kind of poetry
that once you recite,
Sets your oesophagus ablaze,
leaves you burning around the edges
but still staring in amaze.
engulfed in flames for
years not days.

I write the kind of poetry
That you'll spend centuries
Trying to extract from the
Ringing in your ears
As the dangerous impacts
Only grow
And in you, bellow.

I write the kind of poetry
that gets embedded deep within your fingertips
and buries itself securely under your skin
The kind of poetry you'd rip yourself to shreds
In an attempt to
Tear apart, dislodge
Each stanza circling
within.

I write the kind of poetry
You could try to wash
off a thousand times
But that remains engraved
Deep within the wrinkles and lines
The creases of your mind.

The night you kissed me
the sun fizzled on my tongue
as i drank from the stars.

Just once,
let me look in the mirror
and see
with someone else's eyes
to unravel the lies
held within my mind
just once
let me look in the mirror
and find
self acceptance and love,
just once
let me look in the mirror
and believe
I am enough.

When you crash into the depths of hell
It's only natural that
You scream, you cry, you hurt,
You burn.

And it's only natural
That it takes you awhile
To get used to the flames licking
Around your feet,
As you finally admit defeat.
It's only natural
That it take you a while,
To learn how to smile,
As you burn around the edges
And sometimes your very core.
It's only natural
That you cannot walk before you crawl
And that you cannot fly
Unless you risk the fall
Risk it all.

It's only natural that
As much as it scolds, eventually
You'll learn how to handle the heat
That you'll adjust and trust
Eventually you'll get used to the pain
And learn how to sustain and attain
Normality again,
As you take one step and then another
As you learn to
Place one foot in front of the other
Walking with the scars
You thought would never heal.
It's only natural, to hurt, to feel,
That's what makes us human,
What makes us real.

In the heartbeat she gave me,
would i give all to thee
once more.

If morning had never graced its presence that day,
Would you still have upped and gone away?
And if the sun had never shone that dawn,
Would I still be alone, this early morn?
If the stars had never ceased,
And the darkness had kept its presence,
If the night had never drew in
And the moon stayed ever crescent
Would you still be laying by my side
Would there still have been that change in tide?
Because since the seas direction changed
I've been left in the remains, off shore
Fighting for something,
Though for what I'm unsure.
I've been treading water at a steady pace,
But there's only so long, can race
Before time comes and takes our place.
And the seaweeds are starting to pull me under
And the clouds in my mind are starting to thunder,
I search desperately for shelter, solid ground,
I long to be found,
But the shift in tide has bound
Me
A daughter of the sea,
Alone, trapped in we.
And my heart lays heavy,
In a bottle of sherry
Too heavy to keep afloat
So send out your rescue mission
Your men and boats
But they will not find me,
I am entangled in chains,
And the remnants and remains
You cannot see.
So as I drown, in this bottle of whiskey
Consumed by the taste
From the last time you kissed me,
Fuelled by the solace at our loss of history
Do not try to save me,
You are the one who deserves to be free.

If morning had never graced its presence that day,
Would you still have upped and gone away?
And if the sun had never shone that dawn,
Would I still be alone, this early morn?
If the stars had never ceased,
And the darkness had kept its presence,
If the night had never drew in
And the moon stayed ever crescent
Would you still be laying by my side
Would there still have been that change in tide?
Because since the seas direction changed
I've been left in the remains, off shore
Fighting for something,
Though for what I'm unsure.
I've been treading water at a steady pace,
But there's only so long, can race
Before time comes and takes our place.
And the seaweeds are starting to pull me under
And the clouds in my mind are starting to thunder,
I search desperately for shelter, solid ground,
I long to be found,
But the shift in tide has bound
Me
A daughter of the sea,
Alone, trapped in we.
And my heart lays heavy,
In a bottle of sherry
Too heavy to keep afloat
So send out your rescue mission
Your men and boats
But they will not find me,
I am entangled in chains,
And the remnants and remains
You cannot see.
So as I drown, in this bottle of whiskey
Consumed by the taste
From the last time you kissed me,
Fuelled by the solace at our loss of history
Do not try to save me,
You are the one who deserves to be free.

If morning had never graced its presence that day,
Would you still have upped and gone away?
Or would we have stayed, forever embraced, fingers interlaced,
In a morsel of romance.
And if the sun had never shone that dawn,
Would I still be alone, this early morn?
And would we still have had to mourn over our loss?
If the stars had never ceased,
And the darkness had kept its presence,
If the night had never drew in
And the moon stayed ever crescent
Would the tides of change still have to flow,
And form a drift between us two,
Would we have to mourn our history,
Would we still be through?

Though maybe if the morning had never come,
and if the sun had never shone,
and the stars had never ceased,
Your chance of happiness would be gone,
And I treasure that of yours,
More than I do of mine,
So let the sands of time sift between us two
Let the stars shine and the moon not confine, you.
Let dawn break, as we awake to a new day
Let the tide change
And let the remains
Embrace you in all the joy you deserve.

I bit open a lie and it tasted like you.

Body vs mind
we are trapped in time
between us
entwined and confined
because we are dreamers.

You don't always have to be alone to be lonely.

Every time she leaves
My heart grieves
A little more

The night you kissed me,
i drank from the stars,
as forest fires erupted,
in my cold and futile veins.
And the moon,
it fizzled on my tongue,
Because finally in life,
id found where i belong.

And if love could talk,
express its thoughts,
it would tell you
it doesn't care about gender,
it would advise you to remember,
that it cannot be planned,
despite your demands,
and that the holding of hands
between two women from Venus
or two men with a *****,
is exactly the same,
as that shared between
a girl and boys frame.

Love is giving someone your heart, in all its fractured pieces, and trusting them not to shatter it further.

The greatest of magic lies in our naivete and innocence.

If it has the potential to break you
It has the potential to make you.

When we make love,
her tongue recites
and brings to life
the sweetest of poetry
between my thighs,
just below my hips,
stumbling beautifully
from her cherry red lips.

There was something about you
That tore open my chest, pulled out my heart
And stamped it onto my sleeve
An experience I was uncomfortable, unfamiliar with
But that allowed us to conceive
The beginning
Of something I knew I would never encounter again
You took your name
And without any pain
Etched it into the cavities of my beating heart
And with one glance into your eyes
I knew it was the most spectacular piece of art
That I would ever possess,
You created the most beautiful of masterpieces
Right beneath my chest.