I find myself in pieces
Scattered across
Beautiful landscapes
Cities,
Countries embedded in her skin
Entire
Continents pooling in her pores

Kisses splashed across
Red raw lips
Starved of affection

Her name hammering against my chest
My heart wandering lost
Clasped firmly
In the soft touch of her fingertips at 3 in the morning
The bitter sound of her goodbye
Shattering my rib cage

What a lesson it is
To learn that love does not simply end
It is us that grow tired and weary

What an honour it had been
To leave a fragment of myself in her smile. **To leave a small fire burning in the darkest corner of her soul.

We live in a nation where
People prefer to fall asleep
Holding their phones
Instead of their partners
And we wonder why
Romance is dying.

you will always be my favourite piece of poetry.

Please do not think I will run from your anxieties.
In fact I will do entirely the opposite.
I will open the door,
I will invite them in,
And I will stand there, strong, steadfast, stouthearted
And I will stare them in the face.
Not for you, but with you, hand in hand.
I will be there at the end of the day to tell you you're amazing.
And that all those things you think make you weak, prove just how strong you are.
I'm not saying we'll move mountains together, I am telling you that despite the rain, the sunshine, the rocky terrain, the laughter, the tears, the heartache, the pain, I will be here, time and time again.
To remind you
That every time you walk into a room, you don't just light it up,
You set it on fire.

I won't ever stop trying to build bridges over the canyons in your soul.

If love is a war
Than I shall live and die
Inside of you

We're dying to live and yet we're living to die.

All we've ever wanted is to love and be loved.

All these people talking, but i can't hear a thing.

If you want something to make sense
then allow so.

I bit open a lie and it tasted like you.

Withhold my weighty heart, anchored in the depths of hell.

Today is the yesterday that you'll regret throwing away tomorrow.

Nobody takes a photo
Of something they want to forget.

He places the blame
On a plaque with my name.

The ink sinks through
as our sanitys brink, burrows
Deeper, deeper.
Into a world where blood red pain
shatters the moments
we tried our best to hold onto.
Scatters, across the reminders.
Lest they forget
to come forth and find us.

Let's say black because they say white
Let's stay awake because we should sleep at night
Let's smile because we should cry
Let's never forget to question why.
Let's walk because they said run,
Let's not talk because silence cannot be undone.
Let's go left because they said right
Let's stay awake because we should sleep at night.

And though the sands of time sift between us,
your grasp it tightens,
There's no need to be frightened.

i.
You are the only person to show me oceans where the desert lays

ii.
Some people walk into a room and light it up, you walk into a room and set it on fire

iii.
I swear glitter must run through your veins because every inch of you sparkles

iv.
I've never seen stars shine so bright as they do in the pupils of your eyes

v.
I love how as we lock hands the promise of forever finds a home in our fingertips

vi.
Tell me how you manage to turn a tsunami like me into tranquil waters?

vii.
There's not a doubt in my mind that you have my heart, I see it every time I look into your eyes.

Actions speak louder than words
So let me show you i love you
instead of tell you.

Let me kiss those perfect pastel pink lips
Let me slide my hands down over those beautiful hips
And pull you in closer.

Let me softly trace the back of your spine
Let me show you just how badly
I want you to be mine.

Let me take you out of your comfort zone
And colour you in shades you never even new existed
Let me bring you alive
Show you the life, you never new you could have.

Let me caress those gorgeously proportioned thighs
wipe away tears from those enticing vortexes, you call eyes
That lure me in,
Like a bird of prey,
You can have your way with me.

Let me hush away your fears
into a little black box
to which only i have the key
and i promise to keep it locked.

Let me take you to the mirror,
and give you my eyes
so you could appreciate and realise just how beautiful you really are

Let me undress those scars with tender loving hands
Let me fulfil all your wants and demands.
Let me be your ear, whenever you need someone to listen
Don't be ashamed of those battle wounds, I will never be ashamed of you or the marks you bear.
We'll take them out into the moonlight
And watch as they glisten there.
Ill take you to the horizon and you can stand on the beach
Anything you want, let me show you is within your reach.
With your feet just touching shore
You let me know
If you ever want more.
Let us wash away your insecurities in  me, in a sea of love, laughter and late night phone calls.
Let me show you, that you deserve it all
And more.

Let me hold your hand whenever you feel as though your falling
Let me be the voice that guides you home, when you're calling.

Let me show you that i love you
that no pair were made as exclusively for each other
As me and you.

I tasted the lies
On the corners of your lips,
I saw them tumble across
the curves of your hips.
I felt them come alive
in the gaps between your fingers,
a word of advice darling,
her scent, it lingers.

It's okay to make mistakes.

You are more than those drunken words
That fall out of your mouth
Every time you stumble through the door
And promise this is the last time

As the minutes drift into hours
I stare at the flowers
That died the day you left.

And they say keepers win in the war of finders,
But I'm not so sure.
Cos, the reminders
Of what used to be.
Have soured.
And I try and devour
Memories,
Spaces, faces, places
That we shared.
And I choke on some, and others slide down.
--

And I wander if I even cross your mind, my love
And do you remember the time
You said that you'd always be mine
And that forever was too short a time
For you and I.

Those lies you spun, like a spiders web,
Took place, built homes
Inside my head
And I didn't try to relocate
Because all I could do was appreciate
That someone finally cared.

And those memories that we shared,
Those faces, spaces and places
They're all so vivid.
I can smell the scent of your sweet perfume, and feel the water
Splash
When we went down that log floom
And we both held on so tight,
We were determined not to let eachother go. With all our might.
So what happened, my love?

What changed inside that beautiful frame of yours
What's the reason you began to close  all of those doors
And lock me out.
Cos it's strange to be a stranger
And I don't like the danger
That comes with
Not knowing who I am, or you were.
And the uncertainty of who we were together.
Cos the forever we promised
Has been and gone, and call me crazy
But I expected to hold on to it
A little longer.
I thought we were stronger.

Your honey gold hair hung
Down over your face
As you told me about these places and spaces that we shared
Could be no more

My world crashed and burned
And fizzled out
And I found new ammunition
To tear myself apart
To pull to pieces
My damaged heart.
And once I was done
I hung the picture frame
You threw onto the floor
On a sign on the doors,
Saying keep out.

And my barriers went up
But my walls crumbled down
Tell me,
Are you around, my love?

Are you laughing and smiling
And have you moved on...

2013 ©

And you,
you are gold dust,
scattered perfectly,
Between the seams
of my existence,
And you sparkle and shine,
withstand the tests of time,
As you listen and remind me,
Your love is irrevocable,
Unstoppable,
And i,
I am incapable,
to withhold, your insatiable,
burning light,
you put the stars to shame
And the world to rights
As you glitter and i hold you tight,
In fright of you slipping through the cracks,
In my heart,
Where others have took pieces,
Left their mark.
And you, you take these
frayed seams,
These broken dreams and sow
Together something unbelievable,
Inconceivable.
And i hold you in my hands,
sifting the idea,
of no expectations or demands.
You form a safe landing,
With you i am standing,
on the edges of the shore,
Always left wanting more,
and your eyes they soar,
through my veins,
as you demolish the remains
of my past,
And i pray, this isn't too good to be true,
I pray this will last.
And you free me,
Your understanding, your loyalty,
allow me to be, all i can be.

And you,
You tell me Im a beauty,
But all that i am,
Darling,
I owe to thee.

For you,

If you let me,
I shall love you so entirely,
so completely
That you shall never need from me
Nothing that I cannot
Provide
There shall be nothing you cannot tell me
Whisper or confide,
Nothing that you feel,
Shall you ever have to hide
Because if you allow me
I shall kiss away each insecurity
From each chain
I shall break you free
Every darkness you encounter
I'll blaze in flames
So brightly
That there's never
A second, you cannot see
Every hurdle you come across
Across each, I shall willingly
Carry, you.
If you let me,
Everything that I do,
Every moment that I live
Myself, my heart, my soul,
My life,
To you I shall give.

My god I took you for granted.

And there’s only so many times I can stomach the regrets I made before I want to claw them out of my insides. There shouldn’t have been room for regrets. There was not time. Time was ours until I stopped believing it was and then there was never enough.
I’ll never forgive myself for letting go of you, for losing sight of you
For turning around and closing the door
Long before you actually walked out of it

Because
in my whole 24 years of being on this god forsaken earth
Loving you was the only thing I ever did right.

Because you were the best poem I ever ******* wrote
And even after all these years
Of scraping back the words and trying to mesh them together
I still can’t make sense of these letters wrapped in metaphors.

I still can’t put my pen to paper
And draw out anything other than your name
And ‘I’m sorry’.

I still look for you, you know
In countries we never crossed
And continents we never kissed
And sometimes I still find you
Burning, softly, slowly,
In the lonely shadows of my heart
You always knew how to ignite a fire in me even when I was so sure I’d ran out of fuel.

I know we’ve both moved on
But there are still nights where I swear I feel you
In the creases of our sheets
In the curves of her skin.

If love is a war then I lived and died inside of you
And I’ve spent the last two years swallowing prescription pills
Throwing trust out of windowsills and
Skipping smoke out of my lungs
Desperately searching for some kind of resurrection.

I know that it’s over
But ****
I’d do anything to prop my lips
On the curves of your smile once more
To hang my heart
In the warm corridors of yours.

I’d give up an eternity of sunshine to feel my skin hot and burning against yours one last time.

I’m telling you, my love,
My lips are lost on loveless skin,
So tell me something
Are you still finding the pieces of my broken heart
Scattered across our bedroom floor?

In another life we’d have a second chance
What do you say?
Darling?
Just one more dance
I know how you love to dance.
My arms around your waist, your eyes holding mine, let’s rip down the clocks
And go back in time.

Of all the journeys I’ve ever made, coming home to you will always be my favourite, You know, I’ll never be able to teach myself to forget the feeling of your hands around my heart.

it’s been almost three years since we said goodbye
And I don’t think I’m any closer to letting you go.

It’s 3am and my thoughts are on fire
With the idea of you.

I’m still trying to figure out why it is
Every other woman I kiss
Leaves your taste on my lips.

Everything is temporary. Except you. You were always intended to be eternal.

In another life time
In every other life time
I am yours
And you are mine.

And me i wait down the weight,
of the past
by leaving my plate,
Untouched.
Instead i devour the self hate,
And compensate
for the thoughts in my head.
By pacing along a path,
that'll only lead to my death bed.

But me,
I already died inside,
Many years ago.
And my heart it may slow,
But it does not show my ability to swallow
Mouthfuls of regret at time.

And me,
I combine,
Thought and feelings,
With actions,
I have no sense of attraction,
When i stare at my reflection
That screams rejection,
And i pull out a fraction
of the person i used to be.

Because me
I am 100 pounds too heavy,
80 pounds to heavy,
Every single pound too heavy.
And this weight loss is steady,
And these burdens i carry,
With this thinking that refracts me
Prevents me the ability,
To see any positive trait, or quality,
I drown in a sea,
Of unforgivable mistakes,
I break, crack, smash
Into a thousand pieces.

And you,
You try to iron out the creases,
With therapy and weight gain,
And to you,
I am a piece of paper with a name,
And my tiny frame encompasses
Years of self blame,
Disdain.

And me,
I slip through the cracks in the earth,
As i claw and clasp for an inch of
Self worth.
I try to ride and surf
This tide,
But the feelings inside,
The thoughts in my mind,
Do not allow me to find
Acceptance anywhere.

And me i exhale rotten air,
As i stare at my past,
And i try not to feel,
But this pain is so real,
So me, i skip a meal
And refuse the next,
I filter through the net,
Stomach regret,
And maybe one day yet,
Ill be ready for freedom,
Excited and apprehensive about the person,
I have the potential to become.
But for now,
My meal is undone.

And me,
I run
in fear,
There is no life here,
No beauty near.
And the sheer idea,
That maybe,
Just maybe
A number shouldn't dictate my self worth.
Shouldn't cause me to hurt, myself
That i am worth more,
The idea of closing the door,
Too much to bare.
So in silence I'll stare,
I'll restrict and starve,
And lose my hair,
And don't tell me I don't care,
Because it'd be impossible
For me to care any more,
But can't you see
There's a fire inside of me
And Im burning at the core.

And i guess that makes me a coward, a quitter,
But i can't see anyway fitter,
And it tastes so bitter
Chewing on the past,
And the taste it lingers
And fills up my glass.

But until you've walked in my ever shrinking shoes,
Do not judge me,
Or the choices i chose,
Do not question the freedom i lose,
This body i abuse.

Do not remind me
Of the sanity i could find
For you have no clue
Of the hurricanes
That run wild within my mind.

In the depths of darkness
Her love shines through.

And when I am cold, my hopes and dreams frozen
She builds small fires in my soul.

I know if I was falling,
From unthinkable heights
That she would be there
With rope and open arms
Building a safety net
Below.
I know because
She does
Every single time.

There are days that
I feel certain that there is no one
In the world who gets me
And then she captures me
And everything I am
In the tone of her voice,
The strands of her hair,
The pupils of her eyes,
Her soft touch,
Her warm embrace.

She is right there
Cheering me on.

The world is unaware that the
Definition of compassion, loyalty,
Patience, understanding
Unconditional love, eternal beauty
Is her.

I love her more than
A tangled mesh of nouns, adverbs,
Letters crammed in spaces could ever articulate.

I owe her
So when she sees darkness
I shall show her light
When she feels cold and her
Hopes and dreams become a little frosty
I will be there with my matches
Ready to thaw them
I will be there with rope and nets
And my arms as wide as they could ever open.

I shall endeavour to never let her fall
But if ever she slips between my fingers
I shall catch her
Softly, safely, securely.

She is everything
And I will never let her
Doubt or forget
It
Anything she needs
I shall strive to provide
It is entrenched deep within my heart
To ensure
She never wants for more.

You slipped off my wings and made me human again.

She was beautiful in the destroying an entire city but illuminating the entire sky kind of way.

Behind closed doors
and out of sight
It is a razor blade
That kisses her wrist goodnight.

You're reaching the brink, the breaking point. But you quite like the sound, of broken plates and you greet with haste, the familiar taste of self destruction.

When you are greeted,
With a shell of an
Old wrinkly man,
Do not forget the person i am,
Please try to understand,
That i am not the deep curves within my skin,
Please try to look within.
Do not forget though my speech may be
Inconsistent and slow,
And i may have difficulty with
The ability to chew and swallow.
Do not forget, that these complications,
Do not show,
The things i have achieved,
The family i conceived,
The fresh air that I've breathed,
In many different destinations,
And when you get cross with my hesitations,
Because my actions due to my complications,
May be a little all over the place,
Do not forget,
That embedded within my face,
Lies a whirlwind of memories and dreams,
And though at sometimes it seems,
That i am frail and bitter,
Please understand i am trying to come to terms
With the fact that Im no longer as fitter,
As i used to be.

And when you see me cry,
Do not try to deny me
Of my dignity,
Be calm, be patient,
And look after me gracefully,
Sympathise for the person,
I used to be.
And when you take my body,
Dress it with care,
There is still life there.

And if i stand and stare quietly,
Please wait, for me.
And when you brush my hair,
Please do not rush,
And if i speak in riddles,
Please do not hush,
What may not appear to make sense,
This change Im going through is
So very intense.

And if i soil myself
And your left to clean up the pieces,
Please try to do so,
In a way that irons out the creases,
Of shame and self blame,
And if i forget my name,
Please understand the pain,
That i will never be again,
The same,
Its just my body and my brain,
Don't quite work the way they used to,
And if it appears that Im asking you,
The same question repeatedly,
Please be patient,
I am doing the best for me.

When you look at my pictures,
My photos, my life,
You will see a successful man,
With three kids and a wife.
Young girl, I've battled inner strife,
For almost 90 years,
But nothing warrants tears more,
Than becoming a widow,
Not recognising your own shadow,
Realising your body is no longer your own,
Being moved into a care home,
Where the phone doesn't ring,
Where the birds no longer sing,
And you feel like giving in,
Every single day.
And people constantly say,
How you're turning old and frail,
That your body is aging and turning pale,
And every task you do,
You feel like you fail.

And if in time you begin to find,
A snippet of the old me,
Hold it carefully,
In the palms of your hands,
For the sands of time,
Are slipping too quickly,
Through mine.

So when you are greeted with a face,
With wrinkles so deep,
You could bury your own fears is them,
That sometimes weeps,
Remember, i was once
Like you,
And one day, you will be like me too.
Handle me with patience,
Tenderness, love and empathy,
Handle me gently.

And young lady,
I ask you,
Please be kind,
And remember all i have said,
As i unravel and unwind,
These cognitions within my head.

When you are greeted,
With a shell of an
Old wrinkly man,
Do not forget the person i am,
Please try to understand,
That i am not the deep curves within my skin,
The fullness in my laughter
That has started to wear thin
Please try to look within.

Handle me with patience,
Tenderness, love and empathy,
Handle me gently.

When you brush my hair,
Please do not rush,
And if i speak in riddles,
Please do not hush,
What may not appear to make sense,
This change I'm going through is
So very intense.
When you take my body,
Dress it with care,
There is still life
Resonating there.
If I soil myself
And your left to clean up the pieces,
Please try to do so,
In a way that irons out the creases,
Of shame and self blame.
And if i forget my name,
Please understand the pain,
Of the knowledge
That i will never be again,
The same.
The knowledge that my body and my brain,
Don't quite work the way they used to.

When you see me cry,
Do not try to deny me
Of my dignity,
Be calm, be patient,
Have empathy,
Grieve with me, at the loss of each memory, the person,
I used to be.

Do not forget though my speech may be
Inconsistent and slow,
And i may have difficulty with
The ability to chew and swallow.
That these difficulties,
Do not show,
The things i have achieved,
The family i conceived,
The fresh air that I've breathed,
In many different destinations,
And when you get cross with my hesitations,
Because my actions due to my complications,
May be a little all over the place,
Do not forget,
That embedded within the space
The walls of my mind,
Lies a whirlwind of memories and dreams, left behind.

When you look at my pictures,
My photos, my life,
You will see a successful man,
With three kids and a wife.
Young girl, I've battled inner strife,
For almost 90 years,
But nothing warrants tears more,
Than becoming a widow,
Not recognising your own shadow and reflection
Living in a mind
That screams rejection,
Realising your body is no longer your own,
Being moved into a care home,
Where the phone doesn't ring,
Where the birds no longer sing,
And you feel like giving in,
Every single day.
And people constantly say,
How you're turning old and frail,
That your body is aging and turning pale,
And every task you do,
You feel like you fail.
And young lady,
I ask you,
Please be kind,
And remember all i have said,
As i unravel and unwind,
These cognitions within my head.

And if in time you begin to find,
A snippet of the old me,
Hold it carefully,
In the palms of your hands,
For the sands of time,
Are slipping too quickly,
Through mine.

So when you are greeted with a face,
With wrinkles so deep,
You could bury your own fears in them,
Please treasure me for all that I was
And all that I am
I am human, I am a man.

After the first
Never again
The second
The same,
Regret, pain
The third
Disappointment, shame
The fourth
A piece of paper with a name
The fifth and I’m officially insane
Confusing clouds, constant rain
Begin to drain
Me

Thoughts, a fact
A pact
To myself
My rapidly deteriorating
Physical, mental, emotional health

31 tablets, 52
What difference does
A few
More make
Another mistake
I break,
Crack, smash
Like China
A million pieces
Despair fills the air
I lay, unconscious
Without a care
In the world

Sleeping tablets
And anti depressants
Desperately searching
For the essence
Of a hopeful soul

Hospitalisation
Anticipation, frustration,
Sedation
A safe place
With locks on the inside
Reflecting on the times
I’ve tried
Cried, lied
To break free

After the first
Never again
The second
The same
Regret, pain
The third
Disappointment, shame
The fourth
A piece of paper with a name
The fifth
And I’m officially insane

It stops here
Succumbed with fear
As I walk, tread, carefully
Undress the mess,
That is me.

2010 ©

Dancing with death,
The mamba, the salsa,
Precise precision,
Two moves left.
No room for mistakes.
He places the blame
On a plaque with my name
As he hangs the frame
On my trembling body.

He reminds me,
Seconds are slipping into minutes,
Informs me our dance is unfinished.
Minutes sift into hours,
And they turn into showers,
Cold, bitter showers
And I'm naked and alone.

My hips follow his lead,
As I cry and plead,
Just one more song he says.
As he pulls me closer,
I replay the roller coaster of my life
As it flashes before my eyes.

2011 ©