I want to lay my head on your chest,
I want to count your heartbeats,
I want to be by your side,
From now until forever.

But out of fear,
And learning from past mistakes,
I can't just drop what I have here
(Which is next to nothing)
To run away.

I can't keep running away,
It's not proper,
It's not lady-like.

I hope you understand--
I know running away was my idea.

But without a ring on my finger,
What am I really running to?

I can't make that mistake again.
I can't risk that much of myself again.

Please understand.
Please don't be mad.
I need some kind of back up,
Something to back up the decision,
Some type of proof I'm not going to be
Abandoned again.

I'm scared and I'm sorry.

Almost but never quite there.
Love lasts but rarely long enough to hold a stare.
Over and over the wheels turn over.
Never ever quite getting it.
Even though you tried, it just wasn't good enough.

It would be raining,
And I would have my head low,
And I really probably should,
But I can't.

And I feel the fever
Boiling my blood,
And maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic,
But I want to hear kind words off your lips,
And I want to hear how well you know me,
And I want you to love me
How I love
You so.

And due to my own
Logic and equations,
Numbers look the same,
But I know the outcome will be different.

I have to breathe
And tell myself
The outcome will be different.

I see patterns,
And maybe I'm wrong to be seeing what I see
But it scares
The ******* out of me.

(And trust me, I know hell is ******)

Tears sting at my eyes,
But I bite them back,
Because I can really feel
The cold of the distance between us,
And maybe it's just fear,
But I am cold and
Craving to be held.

But with each response
You send to me,
And each time I read the kindness
Behind your words,
My heart gets a little lighter,
And the night gets a little brighter,
And my wings slowly
Unfurl.

Today has been a hard day,
And a bad day,
But I hope desperately
That you could help this night be
A little better.

I want to unfurl my wings
And take off,
Fly away,
Fast and swiftly
With you at my side.

This fever is making
My thoughts and words
A little broken,
A little disjointed.

Who cares?

Maybe I don't.

I just miss you,
I guess.

A month,
A year,
I can wait.

It doesn't take a toll,
It can't,
In comparison.

I've waited so long,
To be held in your arms.
I've waited for so long
To be yours,
Keeping your memory
A burning secret,
Imprinted in the flesh of the back of my brain.

Like ink scarred into skin,
You lasted longer
Than anything else would.

And I tried to get over it,
Move on from a crush unrequited,
But who am I kidding?

I was never the type of person
To crush on anyone at all.

I loved you
From day one.

So I waited for you,
Three years,
And then seven.

And finally,
After eleven years,
I can whisper
"I love you,"
And the sweetness in your voice
Will say it back,
And you are honeysuckle in the summer,
And crunching leaves in the fall,
And apple cider in winter,
And the promise of renewal in spring.

You are all things,
Waiting on the promise
Of the season to change,
And the change in me.

I've waited so long,
Knowing that you're mine,
I can now wait
As long as necessary
To hold you in my arms,
Each and every night.

As long as you
Are
Mine.

You told me I'm a lion,
That concerns itself much too often
With the opinions of sheep.

I worry too much,
Let's be honest.
I apologize too much,
And it hurts not to say sorry for that.

I am afraid
Almost constantly,
But overcoming my fear
Drives me
To be
Who I am.

If I am a lioness,
I am a queen,
And then I ask of you,
With a crack in the demand of my voice,
Be my king?

You claim I could not hurt a fly,
I could not hurt a soul,
But it is a choice,
Can't you tell?
To sheathe my claws
And not bare my teeth.

I could choose to be vicious,
I could choose to be cruel,
But vapid venom has no interest to me.

I choose to show weakness,
I choose to be vulnerable,
I choose to be
The me I accept.

Maybe I shouldn't concern myself
With the opinions of sheep,
But some sheep are wolves.

Though,
I suppose,
With the king of the jungle
At my side,
There's no need to fear
A pup that's too big for his britches.

Dismember the parts of my heart
And lobes of my brain
I am different
Yet I am the same.

I am the drip drip drop
I am the same sky
There's fire in my blood,
What am I?

I am the same scarf
Torn apart and into shreds
How many times?
I am a place to sleep, not a bed.

I am one thousand years
Of watching the world stop spinning,
I am the retrograde of memories,
I am the pain in your face from continuous grinning.

I am the falter in your heartbeat,
Due to love and all it implies,
I am found between Praecipua and Spica,
What am I?

You loved others before me.
I tried so hard to love others after you,
When this crush was so unrequited.

Such are crushes.

But I loved you from day one.
Stubborn will,
Determined everything,
Lazy intelligence,
And ability to make me laugh.

And then after years of not seeing each other,
I saw you again,
And the feelings were the same.

And then after seven years,
They burst around me,
These feelings are flames and I am simply dry kindling.

And you saw me,
I think,
For the first time,
In a new light.

In the light
We were always meant to be seen in.

The light I've always seen you in.

And being in your arms,
However shy I am,
However skittish,
Scared,
Or nervous I am,
It melts off of me
And I am strong and I am kind and I am yours,
And those are the only three qualities I need to have.

I will follow you,
Wherever you need to go.

I will walk side by side with you
Forever,
Because that's all I want.

You say it's a vision of the past
That I keep seeing
I say it's my biggest character flaw.

I trust in patterns and statistics
More than I trust in people.

I am emotional
But logical
And it makes sense
To watch me fail
But failure is not the option
I'm choosing.

You are the light
I've found
Within my darkness
That I trudge through.

You are the sunshine
That I chase,
The rainbow
I trace
On my window.

I've run after you,
Waited for you,
Subconsciously
Sometimes consciously
My entire life.

You are the person,
The being
The thing
I have yearned and longed for.

All my life
I have been let down
Put down
And finally
You are who I've been searching for.

I always thought it was some type
Of fantasy
Child's dream,
Ending up with the boy
I loved for the very first time,
And now finally,
Finally I realize

You do not follow your dreams.
No, dreams are meant to be chased down and ran after.

And now
Instead of chasing you down,
I can walk side by side with you
For the rest of time.

I can't
Breathe
I can't
Feel
The pain in my wrists
Makes my guts twist
And I cannot breathe
I cannot feel
Anything but
This anxiety
That eats me up.

Because I can't help it,
I feel sick,
I can barely lift my fingers to type,
I'm drenched in fever sweat
And cold chills
But I feel so guilty
I feel so bad

What can I say
What can I do?

I can't calm down.
I need to breathe,
But I cannot.

Why breathe
Why need
There's no purpose
No reason
I can't change
it
I can't fix
It
And I was wrong
And I am right
But what do I do
Nothing makes sense

Help.

If i could change
things
I would.

if I could
fix
the past
I would.

maybe I would be more whole.
maybe I would be more me.
but instead i cannot.
instead i am here.

i want to be more
i want to be better.
i want to be
worth all the effort
you put into us.

and there will be fleeting
moments of our meetings
where I'll believe
i am.

if only you knew
the hell I've seen
the monster I've been.

if i could show
you every part of me
all the guilt and all the shame
and the insane parts
i try so hard to mask
i would.

but i am afraid
you will not love
the being beneath the shell
I've constructed.

you'll be gone soon
and there will be a hole in my heart
until you return.

i am sorry for my paranoia
and i am sorry for being so scared.

i remember
when i first told my mom that i love you
i cried out of fear.

but none of that matters.
for you, i will be brave.
and for you,
i will be patient.

I have been left
in the rain
in the midsts
of my own storms

I have been diminished
demeaned
and berated.

but none of that matters
now that you are so finally mine.

we have both changed
and beyond the pain
of change
and the hurt
of growth

but beyond that

I have felt the pain
of loss
and grown used
to being left
and yet I still fear
a more permanent farewell
between you and I.

but I do not doubt
your efforts
or you.
I do doubt
my sanity
and however long
it will last
and how long
you will stick it
out.

but for now I will appreciate
the warmth
and the dry
that is here.

I am not one for goodbyes.

goodbye means going away.

and going away means forgetting.

I do not care to forget you.

that's from Peter Pan I think.

but you are no lost boy
I trust that
flying away to Wendy
or Neverland
are not options
you are looking at.

I love you
so
and I know
that we were brought together
to last.

I hate to see you go,
so far away.

tonight's our last night
for a month
and my heart has been dreading
the fact that I know
I won't sleep.

wait,
please,
in this
moment
please.

just wait,
let me breathe you in
let me hold you
let me bask in the light
of your smile
your laugh.

the closer I get
to your heart
the more it hurts
the farther you are.

but no distance
can successfully demolish
what I hold in my heart for you
and no distance
can touch how much
I care for you.

I will yearn for you
until we meet again
but you must vow
to be safe
and come home.

please come home to me.

I am odd
off the wall
I am not unstable,
but I am not well.

maybe paralyzing
anxiety
and fear
get the better of me.

I have a constant need for permission
for approval
and it's wrong

but I want to be your
vision in white,
but with a name like mine
I'll probably be a vision in red.

I'd rather be
the one you come home to
the one that holds your hand
through the fire and the flame.

I want to be the one that has your children
the one that is irrevocably and eternally yours
to hold
to be with
to laugh with.

I just want to be yours,
and I cannot even fathom
being anything else.

Why am i so far
away
constantly?

I cannot
always breathe
or always think
or always feel

and I am not
one to disassociate
when there's still something worth
associating with.

but I ask why,
why am I like this?
why do I hide
curl into a ball
sob incoherently.

when I know perfectly well
why.

you curl into a ball to protect your face
to hide your vulnerable parts
loud noises make me flinch
loud voices make it worse.

conflict sends me spiraling
I can see my carefully
constructed
sanity
slipping away.

I'm a fraud.
I construct fallacies.
falsehoods about being sane
and good
and kind.

about having a moral compass
that always points north of wrong.

I am cruel within my judgments
I am jealous and snarky.

I am quick to jump
to conclusions
and assumptions.

I cry too easy,
I anger too quickly.

I am an unstable inferno,
either constantly burning at a calm lull
or blazing and consuming
all in my path.

I am a storm siren,
and within the rain and winds
that bring the fall of man,
watch the chaos
descend.

and if only/
if only/
the woodpecker sang
the bark on this tree
was just a little bit softer

if only/ if only
sang the wolf from below.

I would like
the rain
to stop.

There is a distance
within my heart
there is a distance--
I keep you at arms length.

when all I desire
is to be within
your arms.

I'll show you the dark
twisted parts of me
the patterns I recognize.
but I can't show you the good parts.
I don't believe they'll last.

but you say
you want
to stay.

and right now
I believe that
you mean it.

and right now
I believe
that you will.

How dare you
insinuate
imply
that I look to hurt
I look to harm.

how dare you
infer
that I would ever
use ones weakness against them.

I am a monster in my own right,
over wrought with self destructive tendencies,
but do not confuse me
for something I will never be.

I would never hurt the one I love,
whether it be physically or mentally
or to emasculate.

my intent
is never malicious
and you dare to question
my motives.

a cry from a fool,
and yet I have allowed it to sliver
under my skin,
like the insect
it is.

know fully well
that my intent is kind
and my actions and words
are sincere.

leave be your wedges,
or be met with a ferocity like no other.

It's sunrise.
you're leaning on my shoulder.

my eyes hurt from crying,
and so do other parts of me.

I woke up sore,
from nightmares and reality.
I don't understand
all that possesses me.

you twitch,
and you're asleep so you don't know,
but for the first time I flinched
with you.

I'm shaken up from dreams
of things you'll know nothing about.

I want to wake you
so to see if you'll hold me,
but after a night of
being beaten and screamed at
within my dreams
I don't even know
if I care so much to breathe.

it's not a death thing,
it's a "I'm hurting and don't know how to tell you how fragile I really am" thing.

you don't want me to hide from you anymore
but it's not that I don't trust you,
it's that I have to be careful.
I have to be safe.

if I let you see too much
hear too much
know too much
you might leave
or worse.

you might grow to hate this
weakling crybaby that I am.

my heart is tender
and I am fragile.

I do not thing
that is enough.

Love is listening to the same story
because they forgot they already told it to you
but you don't care
because you love the way their eyes shine
when telling it.

love is bonding with their sibling
over anything you can manage
because family is important
and so are they.

love is watching them play the same games
and listening to the same explanations
about the game
because you love how excited and focused they get.

love is sitting with nothing to do
while they play
because cuddling and cracking a horrible joke
is more than enough.

love isn't not eating what they don't like.
love is getting them food they love
even if you hate the food itself.

love is making a pouty face
if only to make them smile.

love is witty banter
met with an understanding heart.

love is awkward explanations
that are met with sympathy and/or laughter.

love is picking up right where you left off.

love is taking the dive
off the cliff
only to find that you're flying.

love is trusting the other person,
no matter what situation or circumstance.

love is waiting patiently
and only rushing if necessary or if it plays into a joke.

love is laughter
love is resolving any problem through teamwork and a lack of doubt.

love is a learning experience
that lasts a lifetime.

love is
or it isn't.

and finally
love is.

And i am distant enough
from those memories
that I cannot
feel a thing.

I want to protect
you
but I can barely
save myself.

my greatest fear
is that one day you'll see
that the enemy
is me.

I am different from who i was
this time last year.
and I am different
from who I was
this time two years ago.

but there was a point in time
where I was this peaceful
this strong
this willing
to endure

and it was when I was a child,
no older than ten.
when we were children,
and I was one of your best friends.

you have this stubborn will
about you
and this determined air
that leaves me wanting desperately
to be something
for you to be
stubborn about.

I am not who I used to be
and yet I am the same
because I am still
shy and strong willed

but I will not be so weak
and I will not give in
and I will not allow
words of those with no meaning
to sliver and crawl under my skin.

I am yours,
finally.
as you are mine,
finally.

I have tried and failed
at loving others.
I will not give up when it comes to you,
so I desperately hope
to succeed.

Sprawl it all out on blue paper
build something new
out of these old parts of me.

I am the cold of the breeze,
the brisk of the wind.
I am the whispers at night,
where the end begins.

but find me wrapped in your blanket,
I am vulnerable and I am delicate
I am no flower
but I come pretty
****
close.

I am the sun
soaking into your skin
I am the warmth
of blue skies and sin.

I am the call
of a blue jay
at sundown
I am a sparrow
going down
going down

I am the cool touch
of dusk.
for I am the light
as it slips away.

I am the shadow
you know
all
too
well

that remains
I always remain.

you are the sunrise
in various shades of unusual purples and pinks.
you are the sunset
all the orange and red I could fathom.

you are the night sky
a never ending
royal violet
with twinkling hope
dappled careless across.

you are the song
of victory
at the end of a long fight.

you are the drum beat
that prepares me for the wars I fight daily,
and you are the reason
I win every single one.

and if I could tell you
"thank you"
for all that you've done,
and all that you are
I would need a better word
for gratitude,
and even then
I'd need a better word
than that.

You saved me,
time and time again.

with every kiss
you breathe new life into me
and my heart,
you add kindling
to the fire.

I burn and I burn
but I do not go out,
and whether I destroy
or create
is up to you
and your decision
to stay.

I hate showing you
the visions of my past
but with every kiss,
my past gets a little darker,
and our future gets
a little brighter.

I am
uninteresting
I am
a lost cause.

what do you
see in me?

I'm just
a lost soul.

but darling dear,
fire burns within this
lost
soul

like the fire that burns
within
your eyes.

I am a
lost
soul
but I am found
within your gaze.

give me the chance
to be interesting
give me the chance
to be more than I am
than I was.

I fell in love with you
and the way you speak.

I am in love with you
and how you sleep.

you fell asleep beside me,
with your hand upon my ribs.
and in that hand grasps
the pink lace of my dress.

and the serenity upon
your closed eye lids
makes me
believe this is true
serendipity.

I love the way you sleep
speak
and breathe.

the rise and fall
of your chest against me.

the slight smile on your lips,
and the slight twitch
of whichever muscle.

the way your eyelashes
cast shadows across your cheeks.

and to believe
that if I were to be hurt
and you were to wake
from your moment so sweet,

all would know of the fire in your eyes.


but oh, how I love that flame.

I think of myself as generally understanding, but:

why do anything that does not make you happy
if it does not better you
or others?

why allow yourself to be cruel
when it us much easier to be kind?

why disregard someone
who puts so much effort into caring?

I will never understand
the lack of what I have learned.

I was built
on equivalent exchange
and loyalty to loved ones
and never giving up.

I do not understand values
that do not include such.

What do you call this feeling?
being not so entertained by the game,
but your presence
to the point of loving to spend time
with you as you play.

feeding you little candies
(caramel, sour patch kids, mango hi-chews)
while you play

discussing silly things
like which parts of each other
we love
and kissing
and "fight me" fights.

talking and laughing and the usual
"what am I gonna do with you?"
from you to me
and my usual
"marry me? Have kids with me?"

and your new "well, that's a given."

it's all I could want
and more than I've ever asked for.

your eyes are art,
the light in them fills me up,
the warmth in them breathes life into me.

and finally,
I am me
and I am free,
because my freedom was within you
all along.

I love every part of you,
from the messing with your hair,
to the light of your eyes
to my legs with yours,
intertwined.

We sit in your kitchen.
you're playing on your phone,
and you don't know, do you?

my nightmares
as of late,
are mostly about losing you.

I can handle pain.
I've been beaten and bloodied.
I cannot handle
the feeling of complete desolation
of my heart
that is losing you.

but I do not fear it,
for sins do not hold to fear
with great power.

no, rather than focusing on the fear,
I will allow you further
within the walls you have not seen closed,
yet.

I do not wish to shut you out,
but my survival instinct
screams that I'm letting you in
too far
that you know
too much.

that I should not
trust.
slow to trust
quick to love,
I have always been this way.

but trusting you is too easy,
it just happens.
it's natural,
child's play.

you don't even know,
do you, Bluebird?

the way I look at you
the way I've torn open my ribcage
to show you every dark, vulnerable part?
everything scarred and broken.

it's yours
and no one elses.

but I can't help but to think
I've shown you too much.

too many shadows.
too many scars.

I have too much baggage
and too much fear
I do not
carry it well.

At night i am
essentially blind.
and at night
I long to be held by you.

last night I was
and tonight
I will be.

and I want so badly
to be brave enough
strong enough
to do all that you can do.

they call that burning fluid
"liquid confidence"
it only made me tired
and warm.

I want to tell you that
I want you
need you
but I am not brave
enough to make those claims
when you're looking me
in the eye.

but it wouldn't
be a lie
if I said
you are all
I desire
and all I need
and want.

I was so scared
to jump that cliff
but look at how well
I fly
beside you.

I'm so sick
Of rhyming
And timing
And each time I would flinch,
As you got closer
Inch
By
Inch.

Hashtag!
Maybe he didn't hit you,
But he didn't care that someone else did.

Hashtag!
Maybe he didn't hit you
But he left you in the street,
With nothing but the clothes on your back,
And the shoes on your feet!

And I have
Nothing to say to you,
Except that I hope divine intervention
Comes through.

You are the monster
You were always scared to be,
Because while you were off falling for other girls,
You were damaging me.

But I am whole,
Gladly without you.
Cut off the infection,
Let myself grow new.

Hashtag!
He didn't hit me,
But his words and stance
Could have destroyed me.

I'm so sick,
Of rhyming
And timing,
And each time I would flinch,
The closer you got,
Inch by inch.

You're a monster,
But I don't believe in you,
You're a disease,
But darling, I'm immune.

Why sleep?

Why is sleep what you agree on.

Why not something easy,
Something helpful.

Like genders,
Or names,
Or actions,
Or intentions?

Or how events actually occurred?

Or who we have sympathy for?

Or who we empathize with?

Or whether or not we empathize with anyone at all!?

But no.

We're going to agree on the fact
That I'm not going to sleep tonight.

Why?

Because I've had enough stress for the day/week/month/year,
Let's save me from some nightmares
And just not sleep.

But it's a little lonely,
And a little scary,
Being awake with just my thoughts.
At least sleep ends,
And I wake up,
And the world is awake.

Everything is silent
Besides my fingers on the keyboard.

But I am okay.

I am okay.

Bite back down
On the anxiety,
Bite back
Fight back
The fear
The nausea.

Just a little
Sick is all.

Fight back
Bite back,
I'll be fine.

Just the return
Of some insomnia.

I leave myself vulnerable
Because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Anyone could come along
And hurt it somehow.

I leave myself vulnerable
Because I try so hard
And it hurts so bad to fail.

I leave myself vulnerable
Because I always get back up.

If you posted a cry for help,
A "I'm awake and hurting, who is up? I could really use a pick me up."
People would answer.

But would you appreciate them?
No, you wouldn't.
You've never been
That type of person.

You'd talk some sort of ****
About how they don't know
What they're doing.

You did this with friends,
With family,
With me.

And you'll continue the cycle
Until you're dying and alone.

If I did that,
People would answer,
Probably a little late,
But I'd appreciate the love and support
Nonetheless.

Because when I have an issue with someone,
I tell them.
And when someone tries to help me,
With good intentions,
I appreciate them.

I'm not saying I'm better than you,
But let's face it,
I'm a little bitter because of your lies,
And I'm still better than you.

I am not beautiful.
no, I am not exquisite
or delicate
or dainty.

I am a china rabbit
I am a glittering snow globe
with a castle beneath
thing glass.

I am not
a flower.
I am not
beloved by anyone
anything
and I don't want to be.

I am the rising sun,
I am the pull of the moon on your mind.

I am silence
when you despise sound.

there are soft curves
to my slim being,
and breakable parts
beneath pink when blushing but mostly olive
flesh.

my wrists
can be circled
and held tightly
between your finger
and your thumb.

and my eyes are brown
and only glitter gold
when elated.

they pierce the air
with hollowed features
when felt by fury.

I have purple bags
under my eyes
24/7.

until I met you,
that is.

once upon
a time
I was not a fair damsel
in need of protection,
instead I was a maiden
with knowledge of swords and fighting and
I was to be feared
by the dragons.

but upon breaking,
and upon loving you,
my pride is not worth
as much
as I once thought.

I trust you when you fall asleep early,
That you're not just ignoring me,
That you're literally just sleeping.

I trust you when you go out without me,
Because I trust in who you are
And what we have.

I trust you when you tell me
That I've done nothing wrong.
And I trust you when you tell me
Not to apologize.

I believe you
When you tell me that you love me,
And that you love talking to me.

I believe you
When you say
I'm the love of your life
Or that you want to marry me.

I know this is real
Because the trust is real.

And I am ashamed of myself,
Because for everyone else
The trust was simply
A fallacy developed,
Because aren't you supposed to trust them?

I don't believe
I ever truly trusted any soul
The way I trust you.

The betrayal hurt,
Yes.
But my trust for them had not been broken,
For it was never there.

And I hate to compare
Apples and oranges,
As the cliche goes,
But I am so glad,
That you are mine,
And I am yours.

I am glad
That we fly together,
And I am glad
That even on sleepless nights
The thought of you
Makes me smile.

Hush little angel,
Don't say a word.
Master's going to get you
A raven bird.
And if that raven bird
Doesn't crow,
Master's going to get you
A ring with a red stone.

And if that red ****** ring doesn't shine,
Master will get you silk however fine,
And if that silk isn't softer than soft,
Master will make someone's head come off.

Hush little angel,
Don't say a word.

Master's going to get you
A raven bird.
And if that raven bird doesn't crow,
Master will find you rings with red stones.

And if you aren't appeased by the red stone's shine,
You'll still be the only angel of mine.

And if my angel
Flies away,
I'll know that my angel
Will come back one day.

And if my angel
Comes back one day,
I surely hope
That it's to stay.

We don't talk anymore,
'Cause I guess you ended up
Choosing sides.

We don't talk anymore
'Cause I guess
You believed his lies.

We don't talk anymore,
But I miss you,
Day in,
Day out.

We don't talk anymore,
But I still check in,
However I can.

We don't talk anymore,
And I accept
That you expected
Me to know something was wrong
When no one made me aware.

Imagine being
Blind by fear
And blind by doubt
And blind by all the things
You thought you couldn't live without.

But I can see now,
But I've been cut off now.
It's like my nerve endings are numb,
Which wouldn't surprise me,
By now.

I'm up late due to
Fevers and fever dreams,
Vomiting and low self esteem.
I know the nightmares can only get me
In my sleep,
And my secrets and now yours
Are now mine and only mine to keep.

I miss you dearly,
And maybe that's okay.
Letting go is never easy,
But you never intended to stay.

I thought about you a lot,
Those years apart.

What if I had
Opened up this blackened rib cage
And revealed a heart,
A little scarred,
A little beaten,
Would you treat it the same
As the whole, healed heart
You see on my sleeve now?

I think of sitting in the rain,
Alone on the curb of the street.
Rain was soaking through my sweatshirt,
Soaking through to chill my bones.
I think of getting home and being too tired to change out
Of my soaked through clothing, but doing it anyway.
Of ratty t-shirts and jean shorts,
Because the only warmth I wanted didn't exist.

I think of wrapping myself tightly in my blanket,
And softly sniffling until I sleep,
Fear of the nightmares
Of the blood
Of the fire
Of the guilt.

I think of when the house smelled faintly of the wood stove,
And dog fur.
And I could hear the laughter and quarrels of siblings, foster and genetic alike, below my room.

I think of screaming in the car
After some bad news,
Poorly singing (and sobbing) along to a song
I'll sing over and over and over until my voice goes out.

Think of rain
Think of snow
Think of winter and the ache in my bones
Think of how loss was all I knew
Before I knew you.

I think of the smell of burning newspaper
And I think of friends I don't talk to,
And I think of what I thought I knew
Before you.

So hell isn't all
It's cracked up to be.
I've seen the damage,
The torture
The pain.

And I react physically
To every single memory,
My stomach twists and I convulse,
And I gag and double over in pain.

Tears stream,
Y'know
The works.

But then there's the high waters,
And with each and every rain drop,
I believe I'll see it soon.

And I don't know which is worse,
My personal hell,
Or knowing that the end days
Could come
And I couldn't
Ever stop them.

Come hell,
Or high water.

I may not be strong,
I may not be powerful,
Or skilled
Or threatening
Or coordinated.

But I will do
Anything and everything
Within my power
To protect those I love
From the greatest harm I know:
Myself.

I am getting better,
Slowly
But surely.

I will no longer be harmful,
Come hell or high water.

Soft yellow light,
Pink lower case,
Soft blue arches,
Green curves,
Red snakes.

Orange like a sunset,
Grey wolves howling,
Warm orange yellow like honey,
Green curves,
Orange like a sunset,
Brown like sand.

Red snakes,
Purple curve,
Orange like a sunset,
Warm orange yellow like honey,
Green curves,
Blue corners,
Blue corners,
Pink lower case.

Yellow
Yellow
Yellow

In short, the love of my life.

Red,
Like a rose,
And
Bloodied
Like thorns.

I am thistle,
I am bramble,
I am natural
And will slice you open
If you get too close.

I am no princess,
I am no fragile dainty flower.

I am indestructible,
And I am softened
Only by the light
That follows my Bluebird.

I will not be walked upon,
As those who have left
Are vividly aware of.

But I will fly,
Like the Hummingbird he has called me.

Fluttering, buzzing,
Nurturing life,

Just as the love of my life
Has nurtured my soul,
And taught it to heal,
Taught it to love and laugh.

My blush is red like a rose,
But my tongue is sharp,
Like thorns,
Thistles,
And brambles.

She came to me crying,
And all I wanted was to wrap my arms around her
And utterly destroy whoever it was who hurt her.

Such is the life of an empath.

She came to me crying,
And the first words off my lips were
"How can I help?"

And she told the story,
Of how she watched him no longer care
And watched him fade away,
All the love they shared.

How he went from loving her smile
To not even wanting her around,
And she tried to explain
How bad it hurt.

But darling, don't you know?
I've been there before.
I've seen the change.
The brutal dishonesty
Of meaning less than nothing,
But darling don't you know?

That isn't love.
That's selfish desires
Causing lies
That cause fires.

But it gets so much better,
Beautiful darling,
It gets so much better,
Darling girl.

For the sun will set,
But the moon also rises,
And stars shine on your skin,
As though freckled with grace.

You will be so happy,
So someday,
So really,
You will be happy
Someday,
Really.

He'll come to his senses,
And it will be too late,
Darling girl,
You did the right thing.

And I wish I could tell you,
And that you would believe me
That it will be okay
And that your smile will grow
One day
And never fade.

I know for a fact
That it gets so much better,
But you cannot hear that now.

Instead I will tell you
Drink some tea,
Take a shower,
Wash your face,
Watch a movie.

You'll feel better
After a good night's
Rest.

Never try for perfect.
Perfect will never come to you.

Besides,
Perfect is no fun.

Perfect is no passion,
Perfect is sane,
Perfect is nothing compared to

Laughter over taking risks,
The hot rush of tears when you're afraid,
But the warmth of light and relief
When you realize there's nothing
To be afraid of.

Perfect is nothing compared to

Your face hurting from smiling too much,
And your sides hurting from laughing too hard,
And drowsily dozing off
To the sound and heart beat
Of the person you love,
Mid-conversation.

Perfect does not compare,
To conversations so deep and filled with
Hope and lighting up
The darkest parts of our pasts,
That when you fall asleep,
I cannot help but to think back to them,
And kiss your cheek.

Perfect will not ever compare,
To waking up from a bad dream,
Alone and scared,
Only to realize you should not be scared,
Because you are not alone.

And your cries wake him up,
And he holds you and soothes you
And suddenly everything is okay.

Perfect cannot compare
To having the weight lifted off your shoulders
Just by seeing his smile.

You might think what you have is perfect,
But what we're doing
Is filled with trying
And striving
And going for our goals,
But perfect is nothing compared,
To the you that makes me whole.

I am shivering and cold
Not like that's new,
But I'd do anything
To be next to you.

And it's crazy and strange
And what do I say,
There's a Bluebird in my heart,
And I want him to stay.

I want so badly
To tell you the truth,
That my love for you
Has been growing since youth.

And I know it sounds crazy and strange,
But this is all I've ever known to be true,
That my heart is yours,
And my place is with you.

Fragile and frozen
Like a sculpture
Made out of
Thin ice.

The depths beneath,
Are dark and cold,
And will lull you
Into a trickster's sleep.

One after the other,
They dare to break the ice
Of her skin,
And she looks at them
With pitch black eyes.

And they cannot tell
If it is fiery destruction,
Or the cold embrace of the unknown
That sits behind her iris's,
But either way,
Knees start to shake,
And teeth start to clatter.

Grasping at their throats,
Hands grabbing at flesh,
She stares at the foolish nature of them,
And blinks.

There is no action,
No voice.

Turning from the airy
Ice cold presence,
They take a stab at the statuesque
Figure of stone
And she screams.

It's shrill
And suddenly she turns,
And claws are tearing at their eyes.

Dark eyes bleeding black.

She bites into
Their throats,
Ripping part A
From part B.

Scarred knuckles crack
Onto jaws
And she
Loses it.

Upon the thought of loss,
She is neither fragile or frozen.

"I am ethereal,
"I am strong,
"I am dazzling
"Like the bursting and dying stars
"Within a galaxy," I whisper to myself,
With a blanket over my head,
Wiping the onslaught of tears
From my eyes.

They cascade like rushing water,
And my lips tremble,
Trying to stop
The choking sob
Within my throat.

The nightmare's panic
Washes over me,
Like the tide of the ocean being pulled by
A full moon,
And the sickening scent
Of icy salt water.

I pull the blanket
Tighter around my shoulders,
And I say a silent prayer
To an Entity
I only speak to as a friend.

"Let me be ethereal,
"Let me be strong,
"Let me be dazzling,
"Like the bursting and dying stars
"Within a galaxy."

And I continue,
"But do not let me be so,
"For myself.
"Rather, allow me to be ethereal,
"Strong,
"Dazzling like bursting and dying stars,
"In the eyes of those I love."

And it may be wrong to seek approval,
And I'm not doing so, because
I know I am ethereal.
I know I am strong,
and Dazzling like bursting and dying stars
Within galaxies.

Those that cannot handle it
Do not deserve it.

But I wish to be
A spiraling, airy, colorful light
That you see in the deepest depths
Of another world,
Within the realms
Of heavenly bodies,
Simply for the fact
That I wish to be better than the good I am,
So I may be good enough,
To match your light
That has become so bright
As to cast out all my dark.

Tear me apart
Rip me to shreds
What does it matter?
Break me
To shape me
Into what you want me
To be.

You aren't the first
To try
And I doubt
You will be
The last.

While I will proclaim
"You cannot break me,"
You know fully well
How broken I'm feeling.

I try so hard
To do right
By you
And all
It boils down
To are my flaws.

You are no better
Than those
You judged.

I have spent years
Looking into the mirror
And calling myself broken,
Damaged,
No good.

I have spent my life,
Looking into that ****** mirror,
And fully comprehending
Why people give up on me,
Why people see me as broken
Damaged
No good.

I have spent the last
One hundred and two days,
Seeing myself as
Good,
Whole,
And somewhat decent.

I have spent
The last one hundred and two days
Defending and arguing and
Contesting
Those who dare say otherwise.

I am vividly aware of my flaws,
But I am slowly becoming
Somewhat vaguely aware
Of my virtues.

And finally,
I hope one day
I can see in me
Whatever type of light it is
That you see in me.

Allow me
To find my honest parts
And show you the cracked shards.
Allow me
To dig up my heart,
As shards of broken glass.
Be careful,
The edges are sharp.

Allow me
To show you
That I am whole,
Within my scars and missing parts.

And with all your light,
I hope one day you see
Why you give me so much hope.
I hope one day you can see
The good in you
As I strive
So hard
To show you.

And please,
Allow me to ask of you,
Do not go,

For I am whole
On my own,
But the best version of me
Is with you
At my side.

I've never been
One to allow myself
To get invested
And attached.

But hey, look.
You're something
I'd definitely have trouble
Getting over,
If I got over you
At all.

It was written
In my book of life,
Using my blood as ink,
Not that I mind.

I have scars to bare,
That show my own story,
That I wrote
However poorly.

And I remember vividly,
I believe it was seventh grade,
Other students stirring a panic,
Because I drew a rainstorm
In red ink.

And I remember
Confessing my ailment,
And it being used against me.

I remember
The destruction of my name
Upon things I'd never dare to do.

For mortal men
Will not find pride in your smile,
Rather shame in your scowl.

But such is the nature of cowards,
And I have found
That I am needless
Of cowards,
And cowards are hopeless.

I have found
In search through the mortal kind,
A being of the same like
As myself.

While our differences are
Many,
What makes us the same
Is powerful
And compatible
Enough.

Now, darling dear,
I have made a choice.
If they would halt their attacks,
I will finally
Erase myself
From his narrative,

For you are the
Only choice for me.

It is human nature
To feel torn down
But it is the nature
Of hope
To build you back up.

By the very meaning of my name,
I am strife.
I am war.
I am doom.

By the very definition of my name,
I am violence,
I am hurt,
I am life and all the pain that you must endure
To understand happiness or light.

By the very essence of my being
I do not give up.
I do not give in.
The only thing I give
Is all I've got.

I am surprised
That you have accepted me,
Anger,
Sadness,
Constant needs for attention
And all.

But I am not surprised because of you.

You are beautifully caring,
And strong like no other.
You are the type of person
I have needed
For quite some time.

But I will do all I can
To love you
With all I am.

You are my heart,
My soul,
And above all else,
The most important person
And thing
In my life.

Thank you,
For clearing the fog of anger
And fear
Out of my head.

Your strength
Will be rewarded
With love,
Cuddles,
And probably some type of food.

(And lifelong commitment and loyalty, but y'know.)

I feel sick,
And I'm so sick
Of this.

Of never being
Up to par,
Of always being
The initiating party.

Of working myself
To points of break downs
And insanity,
And being judged
For any and all
Acts of self care.

I'm so sick
Of not being in control
Of my own life.

And I'm so sick,
I'm so sick of this.

I'm sick of waking up every morning,
And feeling like vomiting,
Because I'm filled with anxiety
For the up and coming day.

I'm so sick
Of dreading the start of my day,
And counting down the hours
Until I can come home,
And talk to you.

And I'm so sick
Of not talking to you.

I'm so sick
Of putting in so much effort,
I cannot meet anyone
More than half way.
It is bad
For my progress.

And now I have two minutes
Until I have to go
To that hell hole,
And get judged by people
For things I cannot control.

I am so sick and tired,
Of being sick and tired.

And I am so sick
Of feeling forgotten.
And I am so sick
Of only being valued
For what I'm useful for.

I am not my money,
I am not my chores,
I am not I am not I am not
Always going to be here.
I'm sick of waiting.

I only wait for one person.
And even they
Need to step it up.

In one hundred days
I have come close
to thinking poorly
of myself.

but in one hundred days
I have thought of myself as good
and worthy of love.

it is one hundred days
and counting
of liking myself
and being loved,
if not by me,
then for some portion,
my Bluebird.

I cannot wait
to continue to be loved
by my Bluebird,
and to continue to like
who I am.

the counting will stop.
but I will remember
how far I've come
and I will try
to continue
to go farther.