I remember the snide comment,
I went home and googled the term,
It made sense from where I had heard it from
Previously.

But I'd do anything,
To find you.

So why be a wallflower,
If only for nostalgia's sake.

And it's funny,
The shy part of me sat back,
And watched the wallflower wilt,
And the wildflower bloom.

All for the sake
Of nostalgia.

And it's funny,
How easy it was
To catch feelings for you again,
As though they had ever stopped.

I don't believe they really did,
Because meant to be is meant to be,
And I know I'm meant to be yours,
Whether I'm a wallflower
Or not.

Trouble's the name,
Makin' up mischief is the game.

I wasn't the type of little girl
In perfect dresses
With big fancy print hand writing,
That was completely legible.

I wasn't the one
That boys had first crushes on.

No, I was the girl
Dreaming of fantasies,
Hoping for a someday,
Resisting the temptation
To run away.

I am the blood that pools in your mouth,
When you try not to gag from pain.
I've been there,
Done that.
Not again.

I'm the chalky taste of medication,
When you dry swallow it
And it gets stuck in your esphagus.
I'm the head ache after you try not to cry
After an hour long therapy session.

I'm the piece of gum
You chew to keep from having an anxiety attack,
But it's lost all flavor,
But you can't spit it out or you won't be able to breathe.

I'm an imagination
That goes a little too far,
I'm the not plausible,
The impossible,
The "I-want-to-save-the-world" complex.

But I'm also
The I-Will-Love-You-Unconditionally feeling,
And the smell of snow
Right before a blizzard,
And the feeling of knowing
Your fire place will burn and you have books to read
While the snow comes down.

I the burning of your hands
When you come in from the cold.

But you are
The relief when the headache from crying finally passes.
You are
The sweet taste of air
When the anxiety attack passes.

You are water
When dehydration gets the best of me.

You are the safety of a warm blanket,
When it feels like my world is caving in.

You are the familiar pulling sensation
On my heart
When I crave holding your hand.

You are the familiarity
Of autumn and laughter.

I may be the intensity of fire,
And the audacity of ice,
You are the temptation
Of watching the sky become a whole color
When the sun sets and fades into night.

You are the perfect balance
To my lack of a center of gravity.

I apologize
for many things.
but I will never apologize
for how I feel
how I felt
and my attempts to be
better.

I will never
apologize
for doing what it
takes
to be
a better
me.

So much love
In my heart
It over flows
And hurts.

I want so bad
To hold you close,
Alas,
I must wait,
But if I must wait,
I will cherish every second
I hear your voice,
And anticipate
Holding your hand
In mine.

Silently
Tears
Tend to fall.

Usually
I sob
In that ugly way.

But who cares
Who even reads
Into my words
Into my motives
Into what I'm trying
To say.

Who even cares.

Who's to say
Anyone cares,
No one says anything.

I don't mean likes,
I don't mean comments,
I mean from the people I want to
Hear speak.

It doesn't ******* matter,
Because in the end
These words are ******* worthless.

You'll never get it,
And my care will never
Be good enough
For anyone,
So who the ****
Even wants it?

Why do I even
Try?

Because I'm hoping
That one day
I'll stop feeling so rejected
When you just don't know what to say.

Close my eyes.
Try to breathe.
Squeeze them shut harder,
But there's not a color
Darker than black.

Therefore night is as
Dark as
I'm allowed to get.

Leave me breathless,
Or bleeding out,
Either way,
I took the risk,
And here we are.

And I feel like
This could be really good,
If I can just forget everything else.

I feel like
You're all I want.
This love feels like
I could survive
Off a diet
Of crisp fall air,
your love,
And the rush of sunlight.

And jealousy
Can eat away at me,
From time to time.
My sins are greed (for your time) and envy,
I'm so over wrath.

But love me please,
If you'll see it the way I'm seeing it.

I can breathe easy,
Knowing you're mine,
But this love isn't all
Sunshine and roses
(Good thing I hate roses)

It's the weight of my heart
When we're apart.
It's knowing I can bring out the best
In you,
It's knowing who I can be
And exactly who you are,
And seeing the light in your eyes,
And knowing for a fact
That the fire that lays there,
Can burn,
But trusting it enough
To know it won't dare
Lick away at my flesh
Until all that's left is dry bone.

I know that fire that burns in your eyes,
Is the source of the sunlight,
And that it's your kiss
That creates a mock-autumn breeze,
So I can breathe easily.
I know your love
Will carry me into
The only home
I've ever wanted to know.

"I know we're miles apart,
But I'm looking your way."

Watch me defy the world
To make you smile,
If it means
You'll stay awhile.

I will defy
All odds
To let myself
Fly
With you.

Keep the crazy at bay,
There's not much to keep thinking highly of,
But keep your insanity
Contained
To the best of your
Ability.

I want so badly to be
As honest as I can be,
But I can't be
Because then you'll see
The real me.

I trust you entirely,
So I trust you not to run
Like the rest of them,
But I can't do that to you.

Because everyone runs.
And I can't lose you in the same way,
I can't stand the thought of losing you,
But everyone runs,
Everyone runs
Away.

Everyone goes away,
Everyone leaves
And this lump in my throat,
Won't help me plead
For you to stay,
But what's it worth?

But you say you're not going anywhere,
And I have to accept that you mean it.
But will you mean it,
Will this time be different,
If I let you see all of me?

I hate being vulnerable,
Because

Everyone runs in the end
From monsters like me,
And it hurts my heart
But who in hell cares,
Because monsters sure don't,
Because I sure don't.

(Let me tell you,
I care more than you think.)

My heart has been frozen through,
And now that you're letting it thaw,
I'm not sure how it will look like raw.

My heart was frozen through,
But that's coming all undone,
All because of you.

I've always held
A fiery spirit,
I've always been able to be
Ignited
Too easily.

Whether it be my temper,
My excitement,
Or my passion.

It's hard to reel in flames
When flames were never meant to be controlled
By mortal hands.

But I had thought
That no flames could touch
The ice within my heart,
Until I had taken note
Of the fire that burns in your eyes.

And finally,
I shiver as water pools in my rib cage,
And slivers and pours out from between my ribs.

My heart will thaw,
Fully and completely,
As your love and kindness
Has love me in awe.

As the ice drains though my bones,
Allow me to fill you with gentle warmth,
As I try to maintain
The flames I possess.

Fill me up
And make me whole
With the fire in your eyes.

I'm afraid I cannot speak to you.

See, I have this
Strict rule,
About not speaking
To zombies.

And you're dead to me.

I haven't thought of you in months.
I haven't said your name in years.

I hold no ire for you,
or the apologies I sent to you desperately
that you'd never accept.

and I'll always ******* care,
but I can't bring myself to care about anyone
that's walked out of my life
and slammed the door
anymore.

I'd love to rehash a friendship,
I'd love to apologize till my mouth bleeds,
I'd love to figure out
the sins I've committed
and all that went wrong.

but that's not my life
anymore.

I'm in love
with someone I cared for,
before I ever loved you.

I'd love to make amends
but there's no way
I can fix what I did
anymore.

so thanks for the memories,
and thanks for being who you are,
who you were,
and who you will be.

I will always care.
I just can't care as much as I'd like to
anymore.

Don't worry about it,
It doesn't matter.

How do I fit?
Where I go from here?

I struggle with this
Belonging
In the same way
I struggle with feeling
Wanted,
And if I'm not even a person,
Then I'm guess I'm just a problem.

And problems require solutions
Or to be eradicated from the equation
Upon not finding a solution.

And after years,
Up until May 18th, 2016
When I figured out that I'm not that bad,
I had been contemplating
Eradication.

But on May 18th,
I realized it wasn't quite
Eradication that I needed,
Rather a solution.

And in your arms,
On July 4th,
I realized that neither
Eradication
Nor a solution would help me,
For I am a solution,
Not a problem.

I am not used to walking
On steady ground,
But I could get used
To walking beside
You.

Forgive me
For my slip ups,
For my faltering,
I am painfully aware
That being mentally ill is a struggle,
But I will persevere,
If not for myself,
Then for you and here and now.

Some days I fight the fight
For myself,
And others I can only bring myself to get out of bed
For you and what pride you could fathom having in me.

Other days I cannot wait
To leap from the blankets
And start my day.

But each and every day,
I get up.

Whether it be out of excitement,
Or a desire to be better.

Forget it.
I have a lot to say,
But not a lot of it can be said
For sure.

I am not loud
Nor am I a demanding presence,
So why do you remember?

Why do those years matter?
Why is it so important to me?

Why does it all matter?

Let me tell you,
It matters because you were the first.
The very first
I had ever felt anything for.

And now I want you to know,
I want you to be the last,
The last person I have felt these things for.

I am not bold,
I am not fast,
I am not the best
And I am never the last.

But I will give
All that I have
To be yours,
To be your last.

I don't see in me,
What you see in me.
I see a world of mistakes,
And a life built of scars.
I see myself,
Thirteen and running through tall grass,
To escape things I wish I had never seen.
I see blood and loss,
I see missing out,
I see a guttural growl
And lashing out.

But for there are softer sides of me,
And I don't want to paint a picture
And replace what you think you know.
I hope you keep seeing whatever it is
You see of me.
I hope you keep seeing
Whatever picture you have of me.

I want to be seen as gentle,
And kind.
A ginger touch,
Filled with warmth,
And some type of love.

And it matters to me,
Because about eleven years ago,
You were the closest thing to someone that knew anything about me.

And seven years ago,
I saw you again,
And when we finally saw each other
More than a month ago
This time around,
I fell hard,
Just like then.

It might not matter,
All that time,
All that loss in between,
But it means so much to me,
That you're here
Now.

That you're mine
Now.

And now there were times
You wish you were there for,
But it's okay.

I am who I am
By doing all of that,
By handling all of that
On my own.

But I am here,
And you are here,
And finally,
I can see why it matters.

And just like always
There is no equal ground,
And I'm attached
And invested
And my heart hurts
My heart yearns
And I'm curious
And bouncy
Until I learn,
There's always new flesh to be burned.

The lump in my throat
Keeps me from screaming,
And time and time again,
History will repeat itself.

Cross my heart
And I hope to live,
Because I've given
All I ever had to give.

I'm rubbing scar tissue,
Remembering days
I could have bled out.

The dizzy sensation
Of coming to,
And cursing myself
For ever thinking
I was cured.

That a promise
Could change a thing.
Well that promise
Developed into further cause.

And I hope to God,
You won't find me so odd
That you'll give up too.
I hope to God,
That you don't find this odd,
But dear lord, I miss you.

And sunshine graces the grass and pavement,
Just like when your smile graces  your features,
And I'd like to think it's me that it's meant
For.

But my glance hits the floor,
The same way I can't stand rain anymore.

I know I am far from perfect, and I know I can be a little over zealous at times.

I also know you have most likely yet to decide that these are problems.

I know I have damage and I know I have scars.

I know you don't see it as damage, and I know you don't mind the scars.

I wish I could describe how much I love you rightly. I wish I could describe it with words and colors and sounds you'll understand.

I know I will fail, but that does not mean I should not try:


I love you with all my heart can contain.
I love you more than I have lived.
I love you more than there are flowers that bloom
I love you more than people pray for rain to come soon

If anyone were to say
That I love you less,
They do not know all I wish to confess.

I love you more than
The burdens I bear
Weigh down on my shoulders.

I love you more than I love the smell of fall
I love you more than the familiarity
That is the smell before it snows.
I love you more than all that I know.

I love you so very much,
That my love for you is more
Than any loss I've felt.

And if I were
To lose it all,
I would be fine
As long as it is you
That makes me fall.

I love in extremes,
And I love you too much.

There is all of me,
And then there is all of me.

I love you with all that I am,
And with all that I have,
And I love you too much,
But I'd rather love you too much,
Than not at all.

Because I either love and care
With every part of me,
Or I don't seem to care for caring
At all.

I love you too much,
But I love you so much,
That too much is okay.

And you're the light
That makes my heart so bright,
And maybe I love you too much,
But if I give you all of me,
Will you gladly accept?

It's a risk
I am more
Than willing
To take.

Settle roots
Inside my heart,
And call it home.
I love you too much,
Can we watch our roots grow?

Your smile and care
Planted a seed within me,
And now I sit among the branches
Of the tree it has become,
Swinging my legs,
Smiling at you from afar.
And we've come so far,
And I love you too much.

Destructive,
But beautiful.

The outcome is annoying,
Irritating,
Frustrating,
Tear-provoking,
But ethereal,
At times.

I am a Storm Siren,
I call upon the chaotic ways of nature
To bring forth necessary damage and carnage
In order to inspire growth
And new life,
New perspectives.

I do so subconsciously,
I draw in winds
And thunder and lightning,
The destructive nature
Of rain and floods.

My lightning,
However frightening
Causes fire,
And my thunder,
Will pierce your eardrums.

My rain will drown your sins
With flood waters,
And my winds will
Tear the memory
From your skin.

And I despise my storms,
Because they personify myself,
But I'd rather be a storm,
Than a drizzle.

And I know one day
You'll find me in this storm
I call home,
And put roots in
So together we may grow,
Despite flood waters
And lightning.

And one day
You'll hold me,
And I swear your arms and colors
Are the key to halting
The winds and the thunder,
Because within your arms,
There's only a faint
Whisper
Of the pitter-patter
Of rain.

And when I hear your voice,
I am cleansed of the burning feeling
The fire gives.
Relief is sweeter
Than any pain.

And my heart aches
For your hand
To hold.

Do not give up on people,
They're all we've got.

Nothing more,
Nothing less.

And I am bent
And I am broken,
But I have been mended
Into a shape
Much better than before.

And I like to close my eyes,
And drift away
To a memory
Of your eyes
Grazing my features,
And that smile
I love so much
Playing on your lips.

I want to remember
Forever
Everything about you.
And I'm so at peace
Over the fact that this could really be forever,
I want so bad for this
To be forever.

But I'm so astonished
That we fit so well,
And that we click so well--
Isn't that what we called it?
"Clicking"?

And I can't wait
To show you
Just how much
You mean to me.

Thank you for letting me fly with you,
But let me help you too,
Let me love you too.

I miss your smile,
I miss your laugh,
I miss the warmth of you holding me,
And I love the way you smile
And the way you laugh
And the way you make funny faces at me
To cheer me up.

I love the face you make when you're focused,
And I love catching you off guard enough
To make you laugh.

But I hate the part of me that desires comfort,
And I hate the part of me that can't stand to watch
Anyone hurting,
And watching videos about children under the age of five
Makes me choke up
And the feeling of loss suffocates me.

But you bring me hope and comfort,
And a sense of peace I've never had.

I can't wait
For you to come home,
And I can't wait to plague you with kisses
And hugs
And all the cuddling
You can stand.

Lace pastel pink dress
With a high collar.
It buttons in the back,
So there's a keyhole cut out.

Little brown
Wicker heeled
Sandals.

Silver chain,
Butterfly locket,
With a movie ticket inside.

My toe nails
And finger nails
Are painted black
As night.

The top of the dress
Conforms to my hourglass
Figure,
And the bottom of the dress
Flows out.

A golden ring given to me
By my mother
On my finger,
Studded with diamonds
Or some stone that is similar.

I am feminine,
I am soft.

Sometimes I am fragile,
But do not ever mistake
My being feminine
For my being weak.

Weak is not a world
You could accurately use
To describe me.

Today,
For about an hour,
I'll be going back to a town
That strikes fear into my core.

Over top my lace dress,
I will wear my Bluebird's sweatshirt,
The one with his last name on the back,
So that all will know the scowl on my face,
Is not marked by any circumstances
Other than those unfortunate souls who reside in the town.

I will be elegant,
Ethereal,
And stronger
Than steel.

Less is not more
When it comes to history,
When it comes to meant to be
And my darling dear,
I sincerely believe
We are meant to be.

Less is more
When it comes to
Needs and wants,
It doesn't need to be complicated,
It just needs to be real.

A flower,
A letter,
It doesn't need to be
Extravagant
You just have to
Try.

But less is not more
When it comes
To the years
We've had,
And the years I've spent
Vying to be
Right by your side.

And I may hide it,
But there's a part of me
That is ever so bold
In my affections for you.

If less is more,
Then just let me hold you,
And hear you speak.
I want to touch your skin,
And feel your heartbeat,
Because with every pulse
I know the world is a little brighter,
And the weight on my shoulders
Is a little lighter.

I fear getting attached
But it's way too late for that.
So remember my fingers laced between yours,
And remember my voice
And the sweet nothings
That mean everything,
Oh so brash.
And if loving you
Is sinful,
I will gladly take
Any and every lash.

If less is more,
Then fill my heart with love
Through one kiss
That will lead to
Millions more.

Manic pixie dream girl,
I was some type of cliche
To most.

A starter pack to teach about
How to and how to not
Love,
I was used
As a lesson.

This is right,
This is wrong,
And this is the way
You drive her away.

I was a first,
Never the last.

I never want to
Come in first again.

And it's too much
Too much
This memory,
Who are you to say
What I can and cannot feel,
Who are you to judge my decision
Of getting better?

Get out of my head
Get out of my head
Get out of my head,
I don't want to remember
Anything before or after
December.

And it was my fault
My fault
My fault
The demons in my head eat away at me,
You used his death as a reason to live,
And it didn't destroy you that you couldn't help him,
The way it still eats me up inside.

My birthday isn't mine anymore,
But I didn't want it anyway.
I don't want it anyway
I don't want it anyway.

I was just some type of
"Unattainable"
Pixie dust spilling
Freak of nature
Girl.

And it kills me
That I wasn't human,
Rather some type of hispter writer's
First work,
On a girl he never got to be with,
And I was sadly
Attached and intoxicated
By the toxins that were you two.

I'd rather cut open my flesh,
And bleed the venom out,
Than remember you anymore.

You can't control me
Anymore,
I'm just the bird whose wings you tried to break,
And I'm flying away
I'm flying away
I'm flying away.

It's too much,
Too much
Too much
Too much
The mistakes I made.

I hate remembering
Being reminded
Constantly
That the mistake I made
Was you.

Loving you was a mistake,
Falling into pressure
Was a mistake.

And how do I live
With these sins I've committed
Against my own self?

(It's too much, I can't breathe here now/What can breathing do to change the past?)

Regret rips me apart,
And I'm glad I've found him now,
But I hate who I was and decisions I made.

I forfeited
the right to my heart
the moment
I went in for a hug.

I forfeited
the right
to my heart
the moment
I decided
this was it.

mistake or otherwise,
everything I do is the same.
grand and full of intention.

I am a firm believer
That those who are meant to be in your life
Always have a tendency
Of coming back.

And I am lucky
To have found
Someone like you,
Who wants to stick around.

I miss you,
And I'm up in arms
Over something my brother said.

See I've have things I
Struggle with
Almost constantly,
Like because I have a handful of mental illnesses,
Does that make me bad?

Or do my illnesses
Make me insane?
Or does my illness
Mean I'm held
More or less accountable
For things I can't control?

Having been abused,
Does that mean I'll repeat the cycle?
Or does it my mental illness
Make me so?

I'm up in arms
For having been accused
Once or twice
Of using someone as a punching bag,
But she fails to remember
The majority of our Junior and Senior
Years,
When she would gladly rip into me
All because she felt it was right,
During her time of month.

Not to say it was right,
It wasn't right,
For me to treat her poorly
As I tried to survive,
But either way,
There were ways to end a friendship
Better than her falsehoods.

And I'm up in arms,
Because I'm on the defensive,
And I'm scared I'm not my best,
And I know in real, grown up love,
So they say,
You're supposed to stick by someone
Even at their worst.

And I'll stick by you,
Easily.
It won't be difficult for me.
I've seen some things.

But I don't want you
To ever see me
At my worst,
So I'm up in arms,
And I'm scared,
And I'm considering
Getting the deep insides
Of my medial temporal lobe
Removed.

Just remove
The limbic system.

I don't know.
Nightmares and memories
At every turn.

I have to go back
To that hell hole
For half an hour tomorrow.

I'm honestly terrified.

Paper is light,
But man,
Is ink heavy.

And words
Pooled in ink
Weigh me down,
All one hundred and twenty five
Pounds.

And the paper is light enough
To pull me up,
All the way
To five feet
And one inches.

I am an outline,
Not even the rough draft,
Becoming something greater,
But not quite far enough
To be anything quite worth saving.

My book of life
Has been opened by a few,
And left out in the rain by many.
Pick and choose
Pick and choose
The chapters and quotes and snippets
You want to keep
And leave my pages out
To have the ink bleed out.

But you come along,
And you've come along before,
Helping with a few chapters of this book,
And but suddenly you're here,
And you've come along with smiles
And light
And hope
And I don't doubt any part of you,
And I know your intentions
Are to stay.

I might only be some outlines,
But this ink is heavy on this paper,
And I hope you appreciate
My binding.

Within a dream
Last night
I felt the terror
Of the bitter sting
Of jealousy.

I don't normally feel
Things like jealousy
Any longer,
But the pang of envious
Resentment was there and true.

I don't remember
The majority
Of the dream,
But the horrible negative emotion
That stirred inside me
Seems to have stayed
And is eating away at my insides.

If I were any
Of the seven deadly sins
Personified,
I would be Wrath,
Simply put.

Envy's vices
Have nothing on the rage
That builds within my veins
Based upon a
Green eyed monster.

And if I were the beast
My ire makes me feel like,
There would be no kind, lovable parts of me
Left but instead
Sharp needles and claws,
Guttural growls and sharp,
Locking teeth.

I do not want to be
The person this feeling
Makes me become.
Spitting poisonous insults
Like how some snakes spit venom.

A large vocabulary
Simmering down into
"expendable, vapid strumpet!"
And
"horrid glutton!"

No, I cannot allow myself
To fall down the path of
Pointless rage and begrudging resentment.

For it was just a dream,
Nothing more
And nothing real.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm not perfect.

And if it's a sin to judge you,
Well you know my name,
Send me to a priest,
It won't do any good.

Spread dark wings,
Fly down to the depths,
Don't seek me out.

Don't send your lackeys,
I don't care anymore.

Though part of me is glad
You're happy,
Another part
Desires burning your smile,
Like the heretic you are.

But alas,
Life moves on,
And times goes on,
And we all have days we fail,
And we all have days we fly.

I hope you are happy,
Far, far, far away from me.

Because sinner or otherwise,
I am still flying smoothly.

In fact,
I'd call it soaring,
Along with someone
Who I love dearly,
And treats me better
Than you or your lackeys could fathom.

Love with all your certainties,
Love with all your absolutes.
Love with the entirety of your being.

Love without questioning it,
Love without fear,
Without further contemplation on
Whether or not
It is right,
Despite all fear.

Do not love
In percentages,
Less than one hundred.

Because I love you
With 100% of my being,
And 100% of my heart,
And 100% of everything I can fathom
And muster up.

I do not love
In percentages less than
One hundred.

I will love you
For all of my life,
If you intend
On staying.

I will give you
100% of myself.

Some days,
I can only put in
43% of my best,
Because I don't even have
5% for myself.

But on those days,
I will still love you
100%,
And know I will never
Love you less
Than one hundred percent.

My voice is silent,
My words are whispers in the blowing wind.
I am not loud,
I am not intrusive.

To most people,
An unheard
"I miss you."
Would be replaced
With
"Nevermind, it wasn't that important."

Because no one listens,
And it's gotten to the point
That you don't really care
If anyone hears you.

And all of a sudden
An unheard "I love you,"
Is replaced by a louder and more aggressive
"I love you!!!"

People don't hear
People like me.

I have a lot to say,
But few will ever listen.

Most listen
With the intent to respond,
Not the intent to hear.

I appreciate
And rather enjoy
Your intent to hear
Me.

I hope you know,
I have full intentions
Of hearing you too.

"Stay away,"
She throws up her hands,
Puts them in your face.
"Keep your distance."
She chokes out.

She uses one hand,
To cover the black of her eyes.
The piercing rage that turns her iris's
To smoldering soot.

Her ferocity
Is not with anyone
But herself.
The isolation
Takes a toll
As it burns like bridges
Within her.

She puts up walls,
Almost as rapidly
As the tears fall.

She closes herself in,
With winds going hundreds of miles per hour,
And rain the can pierce through flesh.
Lightning that makes her shudder,
And thunder that shakes her to her core,

But there it is.
A smell,
A noise above the storm.
A sudden, overwhelming warmth.
Soothing and sound.

She stands, and while thunder cracks open the sky,
And rain cuts open her skin,
She halts when lightning flashes,
And strikes the ground in front of her.

But this is her storm,
And she's taking it back,
Reeling it in,
It can halt before her.

Clenching her fists,
She explains that through a high morale,
A powerful moral compass,
And a little too much empathy,
That this is her storm,
She will not bend to the whims
Or fancies
Of any man nor God.

And when reeling in the winds
And rains,
Like pulling on the reigns
Of the shadows that haunt her dreams,
She sees a light in the distance.
Faint and ever glimmering
A beacon of hope,
She journeys towards it.

He reaches for her,
And despite the storm raging on inside her,
She drops her hands,
Drops her walls,
And laces her fingers with his,
And leans against his chest.

Hearing the soft song of Bluebirds overhead,
It's the first time she's seen
A sky without clouds.

When their happiness
Brings you happiness.

And you know it's love
When their smile
Lights up your darkest days,
And you know it's love
When that usual fear you have of everything
Is either gone
Or replaced with a determination to make them visibly happy.

Because as someone who
Has seen a thing or two
Not being visibly pleased,
Means being visibly displeased,
Not to say that you should change,
But this is the mind of someone
Who has been altered
In terrible ways
And this is how
I've learned to survive.

But I know it's love,
Because I don't have the same type of fear.
There is the inherent fear I always have,
But besides that,
I feel so safe
With you.

So safe,
In fact,
That I could go anywhere in the world,
And it would feel like home,
As long as I was by your side.

I never had an urge to dance
Before.

I took ballet classes
As a child,
And after that
I never found myself
Fond of dancing.

And even later on,
There were more reasons as to why it scared me.

But for you,
I will offer you a dance
Under the stars
As often
As you would agree
To one.

Stay up here,
Right next to me.

We don't need to be
Down to Earth,
I'd rather have my head in the clouds,
Fly through the stars with me.

We can visit Orion,
And I'll tell the story wrong
About him and Artemis,
In hopes that you'll correct me enough,
That you just end up telling it,
Because I love hearing you speak.

And the gravity of situations
And circumstances
Will try to send us plummeting
Back to Earth,
But don't fret, my Bluebird.
Don't fret,
It can't get us, yet.

It won't get us yet.

Situational circumstances
And all their gravity
Will not and cannot
Bring us down,
And if we can't fall,
The only option is
Flying,
With you,
With me.
Fly with me.

"Please,"
I'll slur to you sleepily,
"Stay right up here with me,"
Just stay right up here with me,
Fly with me,

And we'll be immune,
Here and now,
To gravity.

I have had a glass of water
For every hour I have been home.
And for the hour I was not
I had two.

But my head still feels
Like it's being cracked open
With an ice pick,
And I haven't had a headache this bad,
Since I was scared he was going to hurt me
In the way others have before.

I remember flinching and sobbing
With "I'm sorry's"
And being curled over and hyperventilating
And begging and begging
For him not to hurt me,
Explaining how horribly sorry
I was,
And as I remember the pain,
The piercing
Grey and white pain,
I remember the fear in my heart
The fear in my being,
And that's what held me on so tight,
I was afraid of him too.

And it saddens me to say,
At that point in time
I would have done whatever
He wanted
Because fear is strong.

But now I'm giddy to tell you,
I'd love to break my fist on his face,
And I'm even happier to tell you,
Her future will not be my fate.

So today left me dehydrated,
And it didn't start off too great.

But I have wonderful news to tell my Bluebird,
If only this headache would go away.

I'd rather be dehydrated but working on it,
And deeply, madly, beautifully in love with
my Bluebird who has taught me to soar,

Than be getting screamed at
By some loser
Who doesn't care about anyone anymore.

I cannot wait
To weather storms with you,
And I cannot wait
To see all the miracles of life with you.

And I used to think
I was the Eponine
To your Marius,
But I am the Hinata
To your Naruto.

My head hurts with
Pain I faced alone,
But I can't wait for the day
We face the world hand-in-hand,
Because you are all that I've ever wanted
Out of life and more.

It's taken awhile,
But I'm finally where I'm meant to be,
I'm finally within your heart.

I could not
Stop crying this morning.

I hate when people claim their listening,
And just fire back with hostility,
And when I jump to my own defense
(Because let's face it, who else will?)
I'm rude and awful and "went too far",

When claiming you're making this into
"Pain Olympics."
That's what you're doing, though.
My pain is no greater than yours,
As your pain is no greater than mine.

You have not experienced my life,
If we're going to talk about hardship,
I'll match you step for step.
Recalling painful memories
Is something I'm much too good at.

Do not nudge me and **** me
To play this game with you,
I win every time,
I have a trump card
That unsettles you
And makes you nauseous.

I know because
It sends me into hyperventilation
And vomiting
When I recall too many details.

And my head
Hurts so bad from all the tears I spilled
Today,
Trying to prevent myself from
Using my trump card just to get you to shut the hell up,
Because I'm better than this,
Better than that,
Sadly,
Better than you.

And then she goes after me,
As though his berating of my mental health
Wasn't enough.

She degrades me,
My turn-of-phrase's,
My work ethic,
Me.

I point out that she didn't have to get involved,
But that if she is going to she might as well be objective,
And look at both sides.

But what do I know?

There's nothing to know.

I forgot how controlling you are,
How necessary you find my shutting my mouth,
Being a lady,
Listening to everyone else,
No thoughts of my own.

I mean, ****,
You were the reason I dyed my hair blonde
(Like every other bile spewing brat on the play ground)
When I was a kid.

I was so relieved
When you let me dye it red,
And then black.

Right now this isn't about you
"Letting" me.
I'm an adult.
Stop forgetting that.

I am an adult,
But this being the bigger person
Thing
Is just a headache.

I cannot identify stars
Or constellations,
But I can make a shape
Make a something
Out of anything
You put in front of me.

But as for the constellation Virgo,
There is a star known as a Spica,
Sixteenth brightest star in the sky,
Brightest in its' constellation.
And despite all that I've read,
And despite all my hopes and dreams,
This is a star,
I thought I would never get to see.

Because stars are not meant to be seen
And kept.
Rather held in our hearts
Like secret memories
To remind us of homes
We've never had.

And trust me,
I can tell you all about homes
I've never had.

But I don't want to,
Not today.

I want to tell you about a Virgo,
Born under Spica,
In the ruling house of Mercury,
And all the love I carry in my heart for him,
And how my whole body aches to be held by him,
And my skin shivers in wait of his touch,
And how much my heart shudders and aches
For his presence and being
To be close to mine.

Just get by,
Just keep going.
Just get somewhere
Where the pain is a little less.

But I have a new dream,
New hopes,
New ambitions.

You are my new dream.

I dream of waking up in your arms,
And giving a flurry of kisses to wake you up.
I dream of foggy "G'morning..."'s,
And warm and fuzzy
Giggling and kissing
And my fingers
Laced between yours,
As we wake up fully.

I dream of making you breakfast,
Because I'm actually awake enough.
And I dream of packing a lunch for you,
With leftovers from the night before.
And I dream of making you dinner,
And splitting the duties of clean up.

I dream of nights falling asleep on the couch,
Because we binge watched some anime or superhero show
On Netflix
A little too long.

I dream of water pistol fights
In the kitchen.
And nerf gun wars
Through out the house.

I dream of our first child,
And I dream of waking up at 1 am,
And figuring out whose turn it is
To soothe the baby's cries.

And I dream of long nights
And rain storms,
And dealing with toil and tribulations,
And fights that are sure to come,
That end in heavy sighs
And my resting my head on  your shoulder,
Shouldering off tears,
That you wipe away,
And dual apologies
That are sure to bring some kind of
Stupid joke,
That will catch us off guard
And make the both of us
Laugh.

I dream of a life.
Happy and full,
Something to be proud of,
However simple,
However honest.

You are my dream.

I am here crying
Because it was you this whole
Time, and I bet part of

The both of us knew
that this whole while and I could
Not be happier.

Rather than built on pillars of sand,
We were built on stone and asphalt,
Metal bars children swing from,
Their laughter fading into the night
As they face the pains of growing up.

Stitched from the bark of a Black Locust tree,
Using vines made from platinum and steel
As the thread.
And thorns grown from
Diamond
And pure carbon,
Lace up the side of a castle,
And around that castle
A moat filled with black water,
With a PH balance of nine.

And in that black water,
Small water dragons swim,
And in the forest lurks,
The largest (and most friendly)
Lynx's you'd ever meet.

And inside that castle
Of blue
You'll find
Halls decked with red and orange to the East and South wings,
And to the West and North,
Seafoam greens and blues,
And the walls are built from glass,
As to watch the animals from within the moat that like to defy physics,
Swim about and find prey to sustain themselves.

And in the reds and oranges you'll find
Cats and dogs of all kinds,
All creatures of Canis and Felidae and Panthera roaming the halls,
Bounding after vermin,
Or pouncing onto poultry.

And the silk drapes,
Cascading through the halls,
In colors reflecting the sights we've seen.

And on days our halls
Have black blood running through the
Pipes,
Allow for me
To find you some light.

I may have trouble,
Discovering the sun
On my own
For me,
But if I can find
That I do it for you,
Then finding light
Will never have been
So simple.

And the main foyer will change
With the feelings
That are being felt
Most prominently.

And no storm
Of my making
Will shatter the glass
Keeping dragons within their homes.

And no storm,
Whether it be of my making
Or another's
Could tear down our Castle's walls,
No matter how much wind or lightening.
No hurricanes nor tornadoes,
Nor flooding
Could destroy us,
Because we'll be just as strong,
If not stronger,
Than the storm.

And with all that courses through my veins,
I will fight for the passing of each storm,
And watch as the rain fizzles out,
And the storm forfeits this particular fight,
And in the distance buzzing of animals in the trees,
I will know our fight was worth it,
As we watch a hummingbird hover and buzz circles around a floating bluebird,
As they come home from their migratory patterns,
and nestle into a tree,
With a sodden nest,
But warmth is found
Within fluffed up feathers
And a storm rolling out.

However unstable my heart,
Our castle was built on stable ground,
On which I've found,
A reason to keep continuing my purpose,
Instead of living a life without one,
A life with none.

My goal is holding your hand,
Sixty years from now,
And our castle being just as bright
And filled with overwhelmingly loving light,
As the day we established it as
Ours,
And ours alone.

****, it's been a long time since I've remembered that name.

A green eyed protector within a dream,
That I let a monster revoke
From my dreams.
If I dare mention,
The witch fire
Angry mob would start.

I haven't dreamnt of him
In just over six months.

He never liked anyone I hung around,
Claiming they would hurt me.
Claiming they'd be dangerous for me,
Telling me I needed to be more careful.

Before medication
His whispers poured into my ears,
Reminding me to eat,
To breathe,
To stand back up.

That I was needed,
Necessary,
Worth fighting for.

And when I swallowed a handful of pills,
He had been begging me not to.
And I heard the crying of someone he hated,
And the voice of someone
He said he would never ever trust,
That we made a bargain,
That he'd protect as long as I kept up my end of the deal,
And he kept up his.

And then because of a brother,
Because of a man who is many,
I lost the Electric Green Eyes
That used to guide me through the darkest dreams.

The closest thing
I had to a protector.
The closest thing
I had to a friend
For the longest time.

But you think he's trapped in a crystal,
And I laugh at you,
Foolish little man,
The Man of Dreams
Lives within dreams
And he only serves
Those who deserve
Divine protection,
Or whatever he calls it.

But I'm at a place,
Where I do not need
My Icarus Eades,
Because he has given me the strength
Since I was small,
To keep going
And being strong.

And I stood up on my own,
I learned to breathe, alone.

And now I fly,
Beside my Bluebird.

But I'll forever be grateful
To a man that flew too close to the sun,
And fell to the Earth,
Or ever farther.

So I shouldn't be angry,
Yet here I am.
And I shouldn't feel hurt,
Yet there goes a tear.

It's just nothing,
It's not important.
Just my insanity,
Nothing really valid.

But my chest feels heavy,
And there's a lump in my throat,
And I'm irritated and a little hurt,
But it's not like it matters
Because it honestly doesn't in the long run.

And I could say all these things,
And trust me, I will.
But I need to calm down,
And you need to sleep.

I'd rather hash this out now,
I'd rather tell you I'm a little irate,
A little *******,
And that a whole lot of me is hurting.

I'm trying to rationalize it,
I'm just clingy.
I'm asking too much.
This has been bothering me,
But it's not really that big of an issue.

It's just my low self esteem.
It's just my being blinded by those before you.
It's nothing it's nothing it's nothing it's nothing,
But I'm crying and I'm angry
And it sure does feel like something.

If I breathe I'll start sobbing,
And the tears will come faster.

Control.
This is the control I have now.

If I don't breathe,
I won't cry,
I won't move,
Besides my fingers on the keyboard.
If I don't breathe,
I won't cry.
But my head will hurt,
And I might get dizzy.

Control it.
Ignore it.
Shove it back down into the inky black mason jar
Where everything else bad about me lives.

I can't let it fester,
It's like an infection,
It will only get worse.
But I don't need to handle it right now.
I'll let you sleep,
And deal with it later,
When you're awake.

I know I should breathe,
But for now I will not.
This is my issue,
My problem.
If I ignore it,
The monsters can get to me and me alone
Later.

I want to be a mom.
A homemaker.
I want to be happy.
I want to make others happy.

I want to see you smile
At me, while I wear an off-white dress,
And I want to see you smile
At children I want to give you.

And I want to be the woman
That makes your dark days a little bit brighter,
And I want to be the woman
That will sit with you in the rain.

I want to be the person
That will stand beside you every step of the way.
I want to be the one
That will do my best to lift you up.

I want to be the girl
You remember
And even better.

I want to be the person
That helps you grow and helps you be
Who you want to be.

And I am going to love you
Until the end of days,
And even then some.

I woke up at 8:47 this morning,
With my dog whimpering beside me.
My own scream woke me up,
And my mom stood in the door way of the room,
Staring at me concerned,
Informing me that I had a rough night.

I stumbled out of bed, folding my blanket and throwing it behind the arm chair.

My hand fumbles on the windowsill
And I grab my phone, pulling it from the charger.

I open up my messages, eyes bleary with sleep.
A good morning message from you.
Reminding me that I'm your Hummingbird,
That you love me,
And hoping that I slept well.

I hate to disappoint you,
But apparently I did not.

But as the fear subsides,
A warmth resonates underneath my skin,
And a giddy feeling bubbles up and around me,
Because conversation with you,
Any type of contact with you,
I just can't get enough of it.

Maybe this is part of loving you,
It's somewhat selfish
But spending time with you
Fills my heart in a way it's never been filled before.

And despite the fear I have,
I will gladly ignore it
To fly by your side,
Because you fill my heart with a type of warmth.
I will gladly accept all the time and conversation
You're willing to spend with me.

I remember a time far away, where I held the hand of someone long gone.

I remember laughter and jeering words at light-hearted expense.

I remember the warmth of a summer breeze doing nothing to cool me off.

I remember braiding her hair, and braiding his.

And I can't help but to think: would it be any different now, would I be any different, if any of you stuck around?

I don't blame you.

I'll never blame you.

But I'm fearful of losing one more,
The same way I lost the five of you.

Listening to Hawthorne Heights leaves me all choked up.

There's a story here somewhere,
And sooner or later the man I want to marry
Will need to hear it.

Today isn't that day,
But August has always been tough for me,
About nine years ago we said goodbye without words,
Because you never liked goodbyes.
You felt they meant forgetting,
But you ******* idiot,
I'd never forget you, any of you.

Two years ago,
Two weeks from now,
I tried to disappear
Into nothing.
Claiming being burdensome
Wasn't the life for me.

I'm so glad I'm still around. I'm so glad I love who I love and that he loves me.

But I'd be lying to myself if I said there wasn't a part of me that's scared of losing what I have.

How do you compare hell to hell?

when the wind is too cold,
I break down sobbing when
it slices my skin.

there are certain tones that are too loud,
too aggressive,
too sharp,
that spark fear in my heart,
make me flinch.

don't raise your hand too close to my face,
too quickly.
it's muscle memory
to duck and hide.

you'll find me asking "are you sure are you sure are you sure are you sure"
more often than I will accept
"It's okay,"
as a response.

you'll see me picking at my cuticles,
twisting my hair,
touching my ears,
adjusting my necklace,
because I have to be perfect,
at least in appearance.
I won't let there be something
to be easily preyed upon.

I am fiercely protective,
you'll see.
of you
and of effort I put into things.

I know I only have two talents-
writing and cooking of any kind.

I do not cook for just anyone.
food is love,
I will tell you constantly,
though I barely allow myself to eat.

I am getting better,
slowly but surely.
my flight pattern is lopsided,
but at least I'm in the air
with you.

it's not much,
but it's a start.

Charles Dickens once said
"I have been bent and broken, but I hope, into a better shape."

I hope he's right.

And even if he wasn't,
Maybe I can be.

I feel like running until my calves burn,
And my chest is tight because
Asthma doesn't like letting me breathe.

I feel like closing out the world,
Collapsing in a field of long grass,
Watching rain clouds roll in,
Until the storm envelops me into the night time.

I feel like screaming as loud as I can,
And punching trees until the bark falls off,
And my knuckles are stained red,
And ache when I try to move my fingers.

Because I'm scared
That I've messed up royally,
And I thought I was so much better,
But faltering in progress
Makes me feel so awful,
And I want to be better,
But I can't be, I can't do this by myself.

I desperately would rather
Waking up sore because of you than because of running away,
And I'd rather lay out watching your colors spiral around me.
I would rather scream because I love you,
And I'd rather your fingers be interlaced with mine,
Than my knuckles be scarred over again.

****, I'm scared.

I have broken parts of me
That I never want you to see.

But if I'm going to make a change,
I might as well let out the raw vulnerable parts of me,
And let you take your pick,
You can stay or you can walk.

And it's a ****** mess,
Quite literally,
The stories of these scars.
But smear away some blood,
And you can see something different.

And I'm scared of what you'll find,
If I tell you all my secrets and fears.
Because what if you leave,
And take those parts with you?

But the only way to trust someone
Is to trust them.
So here it is, here I am,
Here is all that I am.

Every broken vulnerable bit.
I don't have much
Skin left unmarked,
But if you'll take me as I am,
I can see myself
Half as well as you see me.

And I'm terrified
That you'll shine lights
On the darkest corners of my mind,
And run for the hills,
But the Bluebird I know
Is one of the bravest people
I've ever met.

Maybe I'm something atrocious,
Or maybe I'm just downtrodden,
But either way,
I'm scared but I'm as ready as I'll ever be,
Because I don't think anyone is ever really ready for anything.

I'll dig my fingers into my ribcage,
And split myself
To show you my heart and all it's scars,
And my soul and all the stains my sins have left upon it.

Close your eyes,
And don't open them until I tell you to.

"Nobody the dead man,
"Nobody the living.
"Nobody is giving in,
"But just nobody is giving."

I want to be
in your arms
and I'm in the mood
to hide from the world.
people think they're friendly,
they just end up scaring me.

I want to hear your voice,
I want to laugh and talk about everything,
missing you is difficult,
but if this is the worst trial or tribulation,
I've got this in the bag.

loving someone should be easy,
you make it as necessary as breathing.

these tears in my eyes,
are no match for the smile
your laugh puts on my face.

I'm holding on through frustration,
and blinking back tears.

i am a nobody,
and i was told nobodies don't have homes.
but i am a nobody
with a heart and home
all my own.

(if home is where your heart is,
then my heart isn't quite home.)