The only part of my day
That I look forward to
Is when I go to bed
And lay there making up scenarios
In my head.

I think of comebacks
To 8th grade bullies.
I think of witty retorts
To my mother's snide comments.
I think of intelligent things to add
To conversations I had months ago.

I think of all the things
I was too scared to say.

And in my mind
I say them.
And pretend how things would be different
If only I had the courage to speak.

I don't want you
But I want you to want me
To be stuck in a grey limbo
Pineing for me for all eternity.

I don't want you
But I want to haunt you
Like a wraith
Constantly reminding you of every last touch.

I don't want you
But I want to be the voice in your head
Whispering reminisions
Of everything you will never have again.

I don't want you
But I sure as hell don't want
Anyone else to have you.

You are like shards
Of broken glass
That I am still picking out of my skin.

Everytime I think you're gone,
I shift a little
And feel more pieces of you
Working their way in.

I still think
About the time
That you called me fat.
And the time you said
You preferred girls
With smaller ****.

And sometimes,
It still hurts
That you implied
I was a *****
And the times you actally said it.

I don't know why I still think
About every awful thing
You've ever said to me.

You forget the poisoned lashes
Right after you spew them.

But unfortunately for me,
I still care.

With each sip,
Your bitter lies
Become more evident.

But I'll bite my tounge
And as rust and whiskey mix
I'll take another sip.

The truth burns
On the way down
As I constantly swallow it.

This empty bottle is full
Of things I'll never say to you.

And one day,
Things didnt seem
So bad anymore.

Nothing really changed,
But there was a sparkle of light
Peaking through the perpetual gray clouds.

The silver linings
Were surrounding the darkness.

My whole world,
A little less dark
A little less gloomy.

But if nothing really changed,
How could anything get better?

Maybe I just got used to it.

I'm either clinging to you
Like velcro
Or farther away sitting next to you
Than if I were on the other side of the planet.

I'm either rambling on
About nothing but also everything
Or I don't utter a single word
Sitting in the background chewing my fingers.

I either want you to know me,
My every thought and whim
Or to know absolutely nothing of me
Like I nevee even existed.

I'm all in
Or you never really had me.

You are either god
Or you are the devil.

There is nothing in between.

I never really grasped what grey meant.

I will always regret
Not knowing better
When I was young.

I should have spent
More time
Creating myself.

Instead, I learned
To define myself
Through other people.

Now, in my old age
I have finally gained the wisdom
To know I wasted my life.

I wasted my life not creating a life
And I'll never be a real person.

Sometimes, it is just too late.

I knew it
Before you uttered
A single word.

And I knew it
Before the words
Even formulated
in your head.

And sometimes
Its even worse
Because I knew it
Before you did.

But I ******* knew it.

No matter what
You have been led to believe
There is no happy ending
To this story.

There is only
The crushing, suffocating reality
That you are not
Were never
Will never
Be even close to good enough.

The. End.

My stars have all been crossed
Faded and wrong
It wasn't supposed to be this way
I am not supposed to be her.

I took the wrong fork
At the crossroads.

Talking about things
Makes them real
And that's why
I just don't.

Speaking of my inner horrors
Brings them to life
With gnashing claws
And rotted teeth.

Pushing them back
Bottling it all up.

No one else deserves my suffering.

We carved our initials
Over each other's hearts
****** and raw
I thought we'd last forever.

But your's faded
Over my heart
And you in my mind.

From time to time
When I really try
I can still see ghosts of white lines
In certain slants of light.

I wonder if mine have faded
Over your heart
Or if I am still on your mind.

The first time I saw you
It was through a ***** window.
You were leaning against a wall
Smoking a cigarette.

A tall, cool strager totally unaware.

I couldn't help but wonder
If your lips tasted like nicotine
Or if those slight curls
Were as soft as they looked.

And I knew then I wanted you.

I wanted to scream,
"Can I be your new addiction?"
But then you put out the spark
And retreated into that green door.

You left me wanting to see so much more.

I wore my hate for you
Like a badge of honor
Engraved right in to my skin
For the world to see.

I fixated on it
Seething and writhing
Not letting go.
Letting it take over my whole being.

Over time, I've grown up
And the hatred eroded away.
All I wanted was
To forget everything about you.

I'll never forgive you
But you aren't worth my hate.

When I was little
I would hide for hours
Anxiously awaiting
Someone to come find me.

Excitement built as I waited
And wondered what people would feel
When they discovered me gone
Sadness?
Terror?
Desperation to find me?
Would I be showered in affection
When found unharmed?

But no one ever came
And I tried of my game
Much sooner
Than anyone missed me.

Sometimes, I still hide.

Instead of mere hours,
Days and weeks will go by...

As my resolve to wait
For someone to miss me strengthens,
The world notices I am gone
Much, much less.

I no longer want to give up
And reveal myself.

I want someone to find me.

When it's over
And you have
All but moved on
You change my plans.

Recanting every word
And every bruise.

Your tune changes
Faster than the song ends
And I am caught
Like a fly in your web.

Here's to our familiar suffering.
Let it begin again.

It smells like magic
To blow out a candle
Memories float from the wick
And noatalgia mixes in the air.

Dreams of a different time
Flood back as the vapors
Enter my nostrils.

I used to believe in things,
An enchanted world.

It reminds me of late nights
Alone in my childhood wasteland,
Dreaming and waiting...

The smoke dances
And I swear I can see
A future,
One that was supposed to be.

I can taste it in my mouth,
Ash is all that is left.

The first day of Kindergarten,
I was overwhelmed
By every face in the crowd
Swirling in, blurring together

And under my breath, I chanted
"I want to go home."
Like a prayer.

The day after, they found me
Blood soaking the bathroom floor
I was locked away
In the sterile white of it all.

And under my breath, I chanted
"I want to go home."
Like a prayer.

Years later, I woke up
With blackened eyes and a bruised ego
Next to him
Pretending it was all my fault.

And under my breath, I chanted
"I want to go home."
Like a prayer.

Now, after all this time
And growing up
I still lay in bed some nights
And plead
"I want to go home."

I am perfect for you.
You are perfect for me.
We could not be a more perfect match.

But matches ignite
And we will burn.

Sometimes being with you
Felt like the universe was fighting
For us to be together.

Sometimes it was too strong
And the way we were pulled in
Was too strange to be coincidence. 

But at every turn
We slapped it in the face.

Even now, I still feel that pull towards you.
And I'm not sure
I ever want it to stop.

You always ask
Why I do this to myself
Like you care.

And I make up excuse
After excuse.
But you would hate
To know the real reason.

I destroy myself so you can't.

Am I a bad person
For the time I swallowed
All of the pills
You spent your rent money on?

Or that time
That I slit my wrists
And bled all over your rug
To get your attention?

How about for that time
I screamed all night long
Until I woke up the neighbors
And thought my lungs would burst?

Am I a bad person
For all the ways I have tried
Over the years
To fight off my sadness?

You always ask
Why I do this to myself
Like you care.

And I make up excuse
After excuse.
But you would hate
To know the real reason.

I destroy myself so you can't.

When we met,
I was shattered
Into a thousand jagged pieces.

The first time
Your honeyed eyes
Met mine,
I knew you were broken too.

But as time went on,
I began to realize
All of my fragmented parts
Fit perfectly in to yours.

Late at night
We used to sit outside
Smoking cigarettes
Talking about our lives.

I fell in love with you
All over again
Listening to the same story ten times.

And clouds roll would across the sky
Like smoke rolled over your lips.

The stars seemed to shine brighter for you.