This is how I die
blinded by the light
that reflects off the rain
in puddles
in front of the car

I found a dead ladybug in the sink
after washing a head of lettuce
the red had faded to peach
and the legs no longer reached for life

~

Standing in the school playground
during a warm fall afternoon
a bright red bug with black spots
lands on my arm

I can feel its little legs trembling
as it shimmies along my forearm
slowly turning my hand over
when it reaches the wrist

~

I hope that ladybug landed
on as many hands as possible
as a harbinger of joy
simply with its presence

Exchanging or replacing an old automobile
can be an intensely emotional experience for anyone
I still have the license plate screws from the first car my mom sold
although I didn’t care at all when my dad sold his car first
I remember crying at the dealership when they took my mom’s Toyota
I don’t even remember my dad telling us he got a new Ford
backseat on the left, behind the driver, was my designated spot, still is

I kept them in an empty Hubba Bubba OUCH! Gum tin, the screws
sometimes I’d open it up just to hold them
and wonder why I’d cared so much about that car

A voice of the sun
Eyes that shine in the moonlight
Oh crap they saw me

They’re surprisingly hard to talk about
The Rob Lowe Memes
they were a moment of wholeness
thrown out by deceit

Sent and received
so many message receipts
about Parks and Recreation
and the West Wing

Do you just want someone to talk to?
Because I do
I like you
and The Rob Lowe Memes

But were they a means to an end?
Pretend friendship for what?
Spendthrift with interest
without a mention of a finish

yet you left and I let you
doing nothing to stop it
I didn’t think you really knew me
trying to speak through
The Rob Lowe Memes.

On some mornings
mom would ask
if Kyle and I wanted waffles
these were no ordinary syrup catchers
marbled by deep purple
stuffed with blueberries

When I was born
I was born a blueberry
due to the blue pigmentation
resulting from lack of oxygen
because of my mother’s smaller stature
that day a screaming smurf was brought into the world
and I’ve been getting redder ever since

Above the sink in my dad’s home
is a small purple bowl
handmade with a ceramic stem that broke off years ago
on the inside bottom is an engraving
that simply reads
‘Blue Berries’
but no longer carries fruit

Have I lost my way
been tossed astray
depraved and often caught in shame

I am Phi Kenzie
suspend all your envy
I’m plenty unfriendly and tense up when sensing

The touch of another
to shutters and covers
and run for the river, ride rough with the rudder

Flown under the radar
I hoped it would stay dark
but no, it’s the day and it breaks the equator

I could go on about my fears
they won’t disappear
peerless endearment from people jeering for years

Eerie queries in tears
near and dear to mine own ears
rearing iridescent essence empirically in spirit

Hear it speared into the ether
reverberating meter
ceaselessly tinker on the readers need to reach eureka neater

I told you I care about you
I meant it
but you don't need another fee
tacked on as tax

It's all tactic gymnastics
attraction and accents
fantastic for habits
hazardous for fact checks

I'm just an actress in all honesty
fond of the backless
blacklist autonomy
as ****** unhappiness

You didn't care that I cared
I'm prepared to rescind it

Since erring on caution
options have flared
out

I’ve been rolling like a stone
down the road we go
roaming the unknown
with no hope to slow

Over and over
sky to sand
sober and slower
a tired plan

The middle is intermittent
simply not in your wishes
timid to be intrinsic
invisibly in your limits

Top to bottom
orbit to ocean
flopping and flotsam
rotating motion

I’m afraid to sleep on earth
for the fear of having to fight again
battling for rest
only against myself

Past the stratosphere
no one can hear you dream
like they were trying all along

And I can’t either
which is what made it so appealing
but you can only wrestle with nothing up there
for so long
until the sky comes down again

They start as a single
before moving to unity
a chorus of chortles
to those who listen for that

It’s hard not to
when they rehearse in your right ear
and perform in the left

You said that they could
lent them the key
thought about drowning out
with a little symphony

What a ******* mistake that was

I sit silent
quiet but awake
saving energy

Prepared for interaction
scared of wasting power
I wait

Slowly cyclical

Hours. Days. Weeks.

I can’t get the time back
spent on a nintendo DS
talking to no one
lost to myself

Don’t even like playing
but being in another world
where I could control my life
kept me there for months

When cereal is being made
and someone fumbles a batch
but doesn’t dispose of it
it can end up in your bowl

Not something to panic over
though you will
as it can turn the face red upon consumption

Not like leaving the gym
more of a tomato with a fever

Vegetation subsiding over time
left paralyzed in confusion
but still with a stomach quite full

I hid my old bed in the basement
of the last place I lived
sitting with the box spring and frame

It’s a great, full set
I had to let it go
roaming back home
which is nowhere near close

Rachel Ray was amazing
to the tot that watched
while grandparents talked
to the parent that brought me along

Sat hands in lap
on the living room floor
slowly arching back as each meal passed

We never made any recipe
though I'd thought a lot about it
and often wanted to

Sniffle on the train
a sneeze among the trees
bless you at your desk
sleeve wipe when out of sight

So sticky an issue
your own mother wouldn’t kiss you

Should’ve brought tissues

Spending it to make it?
Now that’s money

Consumable and hoardable
folly’s quest yet necessary evil

How much is enough?
Too little?
Too great?

Does anyone deserve it
can you earn it and be happy
or is it all together absurd?

*** tha **** outta’ hea

There’s no set way to elate
it’s all relative
we know that

(Thanks Einstein)

What makes you happy
now
make it a noun
persons places things

‘Being happy makes me happy’
is an acceptably weak answer
what makes my face glow?
have a reason
hold onto it’s grip

No sleep 'til I'm dreaming
let exhaustion try and take my consciousness

I don't want to be awake anymore
but shutting my eyes is a waste of time

My bed is a wasteland of waking nightmares
and the air is hot in October

I thought tears could take me
but the last try I cried myself to activity

Melatonin is a hoax I hold no hope for
and **** is a drug that gets me ****** up

Even this isn't helping
maybe it can help you

Do not eat
two full dill pickles
soaked in Franks Red Hot Sauce
with an eight and a half ounce bag
of Flaming Hot Cheetos
also dipped in hot sauce
without expecting repercussions

Grainy and clear blue
always loud but with moments of silence
rhythmically chaotic
a paradox of logic

And the people there
those people
are the same

Oof

Ow

You got me.

What now

Tss

Ah

What a
crushing
blow.

Mm

Yah

You showed me

Beneath a wave
as it rolls overhead
there's a moment of fright
in missing the crest

but it comes again
and goes off
no end

Though crashing now
in the tumult of water
eventually resurfacing
beginning to grow
and rolling over
the peaks
of once before

I’m here

Which feels like the best I can do

It’s undoubtedly a contribution
I’ll be the contrast
everyone can talk
while I’m not

Makes me wonder

I don’t always like being naked
even in my own home
but in this heat
it’s either strip or die

There are those with A/C
acting so civilized
as they turn back temperatures
concerned for their sweat

I’m wet with jealousy
but the humility grew on me
moss in a steamy environment
condensation in the same

Now the only difference
is switching two letters

I'm not close enough
to you

This distance
is ******

We've been apart
two long
free to four or thrive

I wither with no connection
hating to hide in tense

and you keep guesses in repression

don't delve
into this lifetime
alone

That brand
spanking
new
refrigerator,
didn’t matter at all

The home it was housed in however
was a palace to bask in

Stand it upright
hop from the bed

Crawl in aloft
put a soft blue blanket on top
sit back, watch as it captures all your thoughts

Observable words
turning in circles
perfectly working
affirmed in impermanence

Serpents within swirls
swerve in the verve
curvature burned irksome
turbidity skinned earnest

Journal pearls quirked
turpentine turbulence
since worries serve nervousness
the cure in spurts of churlishness

I’ve run out for a few days
no place to leave things
watching my pile
waiting for dispersion

This in there
that in here
warmth in drawers and closets

When a professor asked me
to imagine I was in love with someone
‘what is it about them?’

I thought of sitting up
in bed or on a couch
talking all night
running fingers through hair

What I said was,
‘their hair’
and was told that that was superficial

Tip of the top to ya’!
Good
good
g o o d
mornin’!

A fine one
ain’t it

Quite the day!
To say the least

Wake
to the arising
of the first glimpse
breaking the skyline

A peak at first
streaks and slivers
as it’s begun

A road
big and strong
thousands of miles in the distance

Twenty one years
the road’s flattened
from thousands of cars every day

…
not yet
…

Wait until you’re called!

…
why are you fidgeting?!
…

Be patient!

…
almost
…

What kind of non-human:
makes a bowl of oatmeal
adds chia and flax seeds
with a little bit of
light brown sugar
and eats it for breakfast?

What sort of creature:
packs a snack lunch
and eats it on a bench
before going to work?

You're not in my class
neither are you
it's the right time
but something's off

Wrong room
wrong room

We swapped

I forgot
just roll with it
act like you belong
no one will notice

Everyone's noticed
leave before it's too late

Where am I supposed to be

I knew confidence was key as a kid
whenever I'd find myself in a singles bathroom
I'd bring my shirt over my head
and wear it like a backpack strapped across my shoulders

For confidence, of course

Body parts rolling and folding
steamy between the sheets
heat under the covers
seems so hard to breathe
keeping me up ‘til one
with slick skin
and a drenched bed

No it’s not about hot ***
sometimes I get night sweats

Blue skies in Arizona
a ruthless sight to behold
akin to cool tides on an icy cold beach

Days of gray were my rays of sunshine
a heat box detox I dreamed of at one time

Now they seem transient
pallid, sad, and haphazard
since they’re a habit in Boston
no longer a reward to wait for

I hope somewhere it’s clear with clouds every now and again

I mean I started it
and the end is in sight
it just seems like such waste of time
all for a period
to start anew

When leaves are left on the sidewalk
the sun cooks their image into the concrete
so when the foliage is kicked up
their baked imprint remains

In reality it’s the pavement that’s changing
while the leaf shape is safe from the heat
creating a brief haven for feet

Crying so hard you gum up the works
flem and spit that's gotta go down
nowhere else but the throat

Saying the wrong thing
being met with immediate silence
as you sweat and shuffle in your shoes

Hearing the wrong thing
and not knowing if you should speak
so you swallow followed by
'uuu-'ntil someone stops you

I know you can’t hear me
but this has been easier for so many years
I’ve been shut up and down
so it’s kept locked now
not proud to say
I’m afraid of the outside

I keep the key pressed
inside of my breast
left the best empty
in case of a rest

You guessed it
the exit is next on my list
address with precision
set permission limits

slowly reopen to show you the door

I’ve been playing this game
for **** near twenty one years
and long ago lost track
of my wins and losses

I simply got caught up
in the winsomeness
of all that is

Why keep a tally
that’s callous and rigid
with the infiniteness of living at your fingertips

Beep

I’m going to go out there

Beep

I mean this is just

Beep

ridiculous

BEEP

I’m not even mad at-

BEEP

whoever broke in, I-

BEEP

just want to sleep

beep beep

My shoulder blades are on fire
but I can’t focus on that right now

The food will be overdone
guests tired of waiting
nothing is ready yet

But I can’t focus
right now

Shove it down
push it back
remember to forget

A spastic in a cavern
reverberating passions
compacts patterned actions

Insanity dampened

A daft wit half lifted
listens with intention
past trending effervescence