Hope
i see him sit across from me
with trouble in his eyes.
he questions why he did it.
wonders why he lives in lies.

a world of uncertainy is flooded to his mind.
his eyes reflect his troubled thoughts
and words of love unsaid.

memories flow to the front of my mind
tears are brought to my eyes.
so long its been, that you've been gone
but i keep feeling it over and over again.

I know inside i love you.
always have and always will.
a part of me hopes that someday soon
you'll come up to me and tell me, all the things i hope for.

but for now i wait, in this chair across from you.
catching you staring at me, feeling your eyes study my face.
your looking for an answer
a thought you can embrace.

but nothing can replace this
this feeling called love
i will live forever in your mind
you won't ever forget me
i'll be in your memory
for all eternity

and i sit across from you
hoping that you'll give
give into what i know you feel
tough feelings that you cope
i'd give anything to have you back with me
but for now, all i can do
is hope.

All this waiting and uncertainy is giving me painic attacks making it hard to breathe
I feel my heart racing shortness of breath
My thoughts racing trying to control my pulse
Nerves enraged making it hard for me to engage
Focused on writing room spinning around
Keep my emotions from goin astray
Sooner or later things will go my way
I've learned the era of my ways and the mistakes
Behaving and hoping this will get back on track
On the right path find my way back.

Your laugh.
The big one.
The loud one.
The "I'm at home laugh."

Not the quiet, public laugh;
the polite titter for
dinner with aquantances.

I want the big throated, down deep laugh.

I want your breathless whispers against my neck.

I want one of those hugs you give me when you mean it. The desperate embrace.

I want minutes. All of them... to soak up the seconds as the thirsty are nourished by dewdrops.

I will love all of the sadness and uncertainy  and anxiety.
These are minutes too.
I wish I'd been better, sooner.

I've loved you so much for so long it feels like all of the love that ever was
Over the course
Of forever.

I love you so much that I wish I had a unique word.
A language singularity
that was only for you.
A word that I didn't have to share with shampoo commercials and free lunches and other people.

I (_) you with all my heart. Know that. On this, the fakest of all holidays,
Tha one that you hate the most,
Please know that I ( ) you.

One step closer, to the edge of insanity, towards the uncertainy, I am walking away from the mediocrity and towards who I want to be.
I am taking each breath, in and out slowly, this air is full of people's dreams that never made it, full of passion that has been sedated and the hopes that have become outdated.
See the children who dreamt of the wildest things ended up growing up and with responsibility on one shoulder and pressure on the other and so the life they discover, is not full of the magical dreams they had once yearned for, their younger escapades now unravel and they forget the life that they had once dreamed of, their hopes now expired and cast away.
And so I seek to escape this mundane maze, this game that life seems to have created, I want to crawl through the loophole.

At least nowadays my lungs are filled with viscid tar,
rather than the lingering scent of her ******* perfume that lingered around me on the night I realized I was in love with her.

At least my brain can focus on the filter in my mouth
instead of her rose color lipstick than ran along my lips, on the night she revealed she loved me too.

I craved her.
Every inch, every flaw.
Everything that created her sent me in a haze, Intoxicated me.

Though that's past tense..
and the mind has quite a problem craving.
Craving, Lusting... at things that shall never be reclaimed

Present tense?
Cravings..
Cravings consume me.

They run throughout my veins as if blood,
Hot with passion, burning with lust.
leaving my heart singed.

As hot as the coals on my cigarette,
as I flick them into the wind,
her words echoing throughout my skull "I don't know.."

"I don't know. if..."
that was my last message from her until last week.
uncertainy was gone.. Though I was greeted with "I know"

"I know..."
It's amazing how a phrase can instantly shatter all joy.
"I know, I've never loved you."

I've smoked three packs since the beginning of this week.
At least my brain is craving nicotine,
rather than her.

People love in different ways..
Love is to the vast languages.
And mine was foreign to you.