Inches below the surface, I can feel the sun just ahead, threating my lost consciousness and tearing my body apart.

The incandescent light pierces the ground, the mountains scream fire upon the sky, crackles in the ground appear beneath my feet. What a pitiful anxiety made of sand!

My body stretches, incoming dehydration, thirst and isolation; motherly desert, fatherly wastelands...

Let me burn down to ashes and ******* to the wind.
Make me feel uncomfortable and let me disappear in peace.

I can feel the drought claiming my pain, gathering the dust that used to be my skin and remain in solitude, just like a snail then I find myself stuck in the nonchalant rage of the day.

There is nothing alive, there is just an infinite ruin of land, dead soil and dying lives turn into stone by act of time.

As I came through the door
Taps the cat  meowed at me
As she crisscrossed the floor space
Staying a foot ahead of me
Glancing into the big closet or tiny room
Whichever ... Dad called it his study
"Hey dad " I yelled at the back of his head
" His quick glance meant "hey buddy"
I noticed moms face on the computer screen
'Oh!"I snapped " mom ... Hey we miss you "
"I'm not talking to your crotch "she laughingly barked
"Sit down ... Move the camera or move your *** Trent"
I compromised by doing all three as dad took a break
The face of someone I truly loved sat there
Looking at me
From over  three thousand miles away.
Three thousand miles away!
"Hey baby " she said in her cooing voice " How are you?"
"Got a job at Dannerlans ... Part time" I proudly engaged
"Don't let it interfere with" ...she couldn't stop and she knew...
I guess my stupid grin finally clued her in as she trailed off
"Half a world away and I'm still mom I guess. Dad musta.."
"He did ... Same thing.. And I won't. But what are you...."
"Don't you dare Trent " mock rage crossed her  face
As a few octaves fell out of her voice and I already knew
Here it comes.....a tsunami all the way from Japan
Putting my nose right to the camera and pushing on
I repeated "tsunami mommy  tsunami mommy  san
What can you do about it . you're way over there and I'm..."
" Gonna get it so bad .. When I get home mister "
:You're gonna look end up looking just like your sister"
"Oh ....Kay...  "I haltingly bounced her words round my mind
"I DONT HAVE A SISTER."
"Exactly"
Then I saw it... Set up and now....
Confusion and pride had my ammunition... just the facts
Dad arrived at that second with a coke for me and his beer
"Did you hear her ?" I asked him
" threating to make me a girl"
As I gave up the chair I heard that cooing soft voice sorta ....
..........GR OO ooowl ?!? While still softly cooing  "oh no no no...
Too good for you Bud...Buuud...Buddy?   You'll just disa..pear!"
Dad laughed first - drawing me in as I reluctantly let go.
"Nice try dear.... but you lost it coming round the outside corner"
What do you mean outside corner ..it was right over but too low
"Bye mom"  I said "got some homework to do " they were merged
Gone now for three month and three more to go .poor dad
His staunch had wilted within forty eight hours of her departure
But let's all pretend that you
never noticed the droop -a bit sad
Poor poor  dad ... Poor poor dad  I chimed as I climbed the stairs
He won't make it another three months . .. Very easy
I  haltingly caught my words as the downer that they were
As I scooped the elegant Taps  from the floor " but they'll make it "
I whispered into her ear. "Won't they girl? "Her answer was a purr

I'm thinking of joining the red cross
That's good...gets you out and about....
In the ...nei..bor....
"Okay .. Whats yet to be told ...spill
"They asked me to run the admin office" She
So you'll have to travel for a while  that's ok" (He)
"The whole admin office for foreign.... "  She let it trail......
Allright so you come back weekends
Ain't that far....to... (He)
      .......... ...Japan ....(She)
Dad........didn't  have any words to say
And the staunch started peeling away...right then and there
The love they shared
Might be compared
To historic qualities
Romeo and Juliet  sans tragedy
Bogie and Bacall  for longevity
Tracy and Hepburn for loyalty
Burns and Allen for ..for the comedy
So I knew.. as..  anyone else who  
Saw him day to day decline
That she was on her way home
By seeing the force of nature
He suddenly became
A human dynamo in preparation
For the reunification.

I walked through the front door
Sharon at my side and lacey in tow
"Go tell your brother to get in here "
So she yelled out the front door
"Trenton Dean Robertson get in here!"
Sharon and I met eye to eye
Bossiest little Seven year old....
"TRENTON now!"  I  yelled  out
"You better do what sis said"
He was now ten and tended to wander about
"I'm here "he said as he appeared
"Come on sis I'll beat you in...."
The last bit muffled
As they closed the basement door
And descending down the stairs

We both glanced into the closet
For that's what it really was
Dad sitting at the computer
And mom was on the screen
So I toted my load of groceries
As Sharon leaned in to say" hi "
And once we had supper going
I went to mix a drink and as I passed by
Dad said "son come here
Your mom wants to talk to you "
Besides we've been chatting  forever!
Then he whispered "I gotta go to the loo"
"Hi mom "I said as he departed
Leaving me to warm the seat
I'm not talking to your crotch
She said for at least the millionth time
There on the screen was the face
Of someone that I loved
Who never made it home that year
The flight was destined for history
Crashing into the Himalayas
Taking everyone on board
And the staunch became so rigid
And reality was simply ignored
He handed me a coke and opened his beer
Before resuming his vigil at the computer screen
That was his reality....his fantasy... and his hex
Some might say an old adage to sum it up
"IS IT LIVE.....OR IS IT MEMOREX?"

AS I drifted from the room they were merged.







..

Eye
only see the Dark side
As a threating force....

The view revels an ocean,
Dancing below
Sparkling water turns into towering waves
The sight is breathtaking
The cool waters welcome you in

But once you go under,
Become relaxed
Waves get bigger
Threating to pull you under
Tide becomes stronger
Dragging you where you don't want to go
The fight begins,
Ending only when you leave...

I view a handsome boy
Laughing below
His eyes meet mine creating butterflies
He so looks lovely
His arms welcome me

But once you get in
Fall in love

Along winding paths of thorns riddled with blood, a tulip grows
Vibrant petals yurning for water to sustain life
The thorns scorned, engulf in waves of powerful ties, threating growth
Battles of power subdue the brains function
Paralized is fear of movement for survival, plans complicated route
Confusion constricts with each breathe
Consciousness is fading onto another world
Final thought is eternal reality

Once upon a time there was baby trees
and one came to me
and said hes pleased
he shook my hand
and i took his leaf
I hid it and told him i gave it to Kieth
Kieth said "i have not such"
now the tree didn't believe me too much
so i told him "man you need to lighten up,
and take a drink right out of this cup."
he did just that then asked the pup
"have you seen my hand?"
dog said "thats not all you lost man."
so the tree thought "why do i give a ****?
I'm going back to Amsterdam"
so i went with the tree and we went back
sat on his porch and smoked a fat sack
then we went down to a local crab shack
but as i was eating one tried to attack
so we left and wondered on down
the block where we were and i couldn't frown
because that tree right now is one hell of a clown
because he brought up the fact thats hes a talking baby tree
and as i began to see
it became funny to me
so funny i laughed until i needed to ***
i stopped and asked someone where the facilities were
they said "don't ask me, ask the tree sir"
so i busted up for a second time
then thought if hes real then to laugh wouldn't be kind
but three just stood there not seeming to mind
so i thought "maybe i should start on home"
i told the tree i was leaving tonight on a plane alone
he said "wait! no don't leave me be!
i mean look at me i'm a talking baby tree!"
so i thought not to hard and not too long
and then said "sure whats the worst that could go wrong?"
little did i know that he was strapped with a bomb
i told him not to use it and he said real calm,
"I'll do what i want you're not my mom."
i thought oh man its that kind of kid
who doesn't give a **** about what he does or did
and if hes that kind of child
his parents probably let him run rampid and wild
then i snapped out of it and said "what am i doing?
its a ******* talking baby tree!"
and since it doesn't have hands it only has leaves
i took it away the bomb that thing
but then i was accused of all the threating
so when i got home i thought **** it,
that ******* baby tree was raised in a bucket
so i found a place where i could then chuck it
it hit the water and made a big splash
i threw it in the lake where people skatter ash
then i went back to Amsterdam to steal that tree's stash
i smoked it all and then took all his cash
so happily ever after i live in peace
without that baby tree since now its deceased
unless it could swim then that would be beast.

looking down deep into the floor
i feel the stinging bite of my shame and guilt
her threating words
play over
...and over in my head
my eyes searching for some good reason for this...
there is none
you brought up my past,
to use as your own filthy defense...
you point out me weaknesses and empower me with the things i do not know
so YOU can be lifted up by others, and feel the joy of watching me suffer..
ZAM!!
another stinging shock goes through my body,
slowly killing me with every ******* word you say
can you say, you really dont realize the pain thats shooting through my veins,
pounding at my chest, bringing me to the floor....
i see my pain,
i see yours...
****...why you?

“Not yet,” I whisper to the heavens. “I love it here.” — Clare Cory

<>

when desperate thoughts come seeking me
in the dark dear moments of near insanity,
when the hounding is bounding and baying,
nipping at my heels but aiming for my throat,
and the litany of next time, we’ll meet again,
is a whispery threating thread in my head that no scrubbing,
can unravel, erase, debase, or erase that awful distaste of
my embittered saliva, and a peace of mind finale
comes with a disgustingly disguising crook finger,
offering a taste of relief,
I will remember this story and  clap my hands
and reach for the quill,
put down the temptation of the knife
and let it pour on to the paper
thus,
expiating and excavating and expectorating
sugary salty bile of
mine own self~hate
by whispering the magic of
Not Yet,  Not Yet.*”

Number and letters fly about in front of her.

They say something in English,
She knows that much.
But they fly too fast,
Whispering to each other some
Inside joke she'll never be let in on.
They mock her, taunt her
Just like the voices in her head.

Maybe she is crazy,
More likely than not she is.
Voices, voices, voices!

Repeating to her her flaws,
External and in.
And the last remaining strip of sanity inside tells her the voices
Are exaggerating.

That she's good enough, she gets it,
She smart amazing beautiful.
Everything she tells others she knows she is.

But that's a lie too.

The gossiping numbers switch and alternate. Adjust and churn and burn her eyes. Burn her mind.

Or maybe those are just the tears threating to spill.
And if the teacher not two feet away notices she's crying,
He says nothing.
Idle, useless batter all used up.

Her fingers twitch,
Both the ones around the plastic pencil she has jabbed into the numbers.
And the ones on her bag.

She yearns to feel the cool weight of her special pen, to drown in words.
Her earphones, to drown in melodies.
Her blades, to just drown.

But she's in public, so she must be strong.
Be the fierce, happy, intelligent young "lady"
She was taught she must be.
Indecency is a sin.

And somewhere along the way she loses herself.
Manages to hold out until she's in the car, hot summer sun buring her skin.
Sweat forms on her upper lip, mixing with salty tears.
She can't tell which is which.

She lets go in front of her mother, spills as much of her strength as she has left.
But what else should she expect.

"You have a problem. You're going to fail and flunk school," comes the rickety voice.

'You're a failure. A problem. Fail. Fail. Fail. That's all you're good for. Say your final goodbyes and leave. Forever.

We won't miss you,' the voices say.

She thinks she should do just that. Just bleed and leave while tears stain the floor.
But the voices, contradictory, say,

'Attention *****. That's all. That's all,'

So she'll do what she has always done best. The only thing she's good at: act.

Not on a stage; not in front of an audience.

Just a little one woman show ran by her heart and her voices. Alone, she will say  the final line.
Take her final bow.

And there is no curtain call.

When darkness falls somber thoughts take residence in your mind holding your attention hostage
Threating your emotions to do their bidding for countless hours as they point and stare while you die a little each time
Tears glide down your cheeks feeding the pleasure darkness harbors upon you each and every night, hour after hour of antagonizing debriefing
Begging and pleading to one's prideful misery is no match to be won
The vines that bind you grip tightly retaining your hearts contents
Gutting your insides so that your smiles can't be seen, your laughter can't be heard
Outward appearance is a blank page with no color
Constant battles faught between good and evil with no victory to celebrate
Standing is a forced action to carry out the bare minimum of daily function

*Darkness contains you once again in a mid-somber nights dream derailing your hopes of peacefulness